veggirl Posted December 20, 2013 Posted December 20, 2013 Honestly it's quite obvious from this & your past threads that you are very insecure and therefore perfect for a guy like this. He KNOWS he can get away with things because you allow it over and over. For gods sake you were too scared to call your BOYFRIEND when he went missing for 2 days because you didn't want to rock the boat. He KNOWS he has you right where he wants you. Beyond having to ask him to spend time with you, you are uncomfortable communicating with him because you don't want to upset him, etc. HUGE problem, HUGE sign that this relationship is very lopsided!! He has all the power, he knows it. That's why you get pathetic "oh.....sorry...." as an "apology". He knows he doesn't have to do more. He can apologize (very crappily) and you will accept it and you won't even hold him to his promises! Come on.
Author SER Posted December 20, 2013 Author Posted December 20, 2013 SER, you've posted nothing but threads looking for help during your R with him. He keeps an ex close (secretly) and he logs onto dating sites and he doesn't contact you............. I mean come ON. You sweep RED FLAG, after RED FLAG under the rug!! Over & over! Isn't it exhausting? Hell yea it's exhausting! Which is what I told him, I'm tired of it, and he gets one last chance. Sometimes guys are relationship dumb, sometimes guys are dbags, he could fall into either or both categories. He has one chance to be neither.
veggirl Posted December 20, 2013 Posted December 20, 2013 Hell yea it's exhausting! Which is what I told him, I'm tired of it, and he gets one last chance. Sometimes guys are relationship dumb, sometimes guys are dbags, he could fall into either or both categories. He has one chance to be neither. There is no such thing as "relationship dumb". Treating someone kindly and respectfully has nothing to do with being "relationship smart". You don't have to be "relationship smart" to not lie and to not keep secrets. You're making more excuses for him. 2
Author SER Posted December 20, 2013 Author Posted December 20, 2013 Honestly it's quite obvious from this & your past threads that you are very insecure and therefore perfect for a guy like this. He KNOWS he can get away with things because you allow it over and over. For gods sake you were too scared to call your BOYFRIEND when he went missing for 2 days because you didn't want to rock the boat. He KNOWS he has you right where he wants you. Beyond having to ask him to spend time with you, you are uncomfortable communicating with him because you don't want to upset him, etc. HUGE problem, HUGE sign that this relationship is very lopsided!! He has all the power, he knows it. That's why you get pathetic "oh.....sorry...." as an "apology". He knows he doesn't have to do more. He can apologize (very crappily) and you will accept it and you won't even hold him to his promises! Come on. You're referring to a post from April - at that point, we hadn't really defined the relationship and it was still new for me. Yea, I didn't want to rock the boat then. I didn't want to come off as a crazy b who always has to know where he is. At that point yes, I was uncomfortable communicating with him because I wasn't sure where the relationship was going. All legit. But that mentality was April - June. I have communicated small problems and bigger problems with him without a problem since then because I am comfortable talking to him, thanks to all of the posters on here who help me get my thoughts together. I don't have that problem anymore. Using talking to him yesterday as an example, I didn't care if I upset him at all. Those old communication behaviors are irrelevant.
clia Posted December 20, 2013 Posted December 20, 2013 He really couldn’t be more ambivalent about you. He didn’t even think about inviting you to join in the fun on Friday night. Didn’t even think about it. And you’ve been dating him a year? I asked him why he is having such a hard time with this and he said he's trying to figure that out himself. He said that this is the first time this problem has come up for him in a relationship and he didn't know why. I don’t know why either. It’s a problem because he isn’t making you a part of his life or inviting you along – because it doesn’t even occur to him to do so. He regularly goes to his hometown, an hour away, and doesn't invite you. How does that make you feel? He doesn’t even think about inviting you along. Is this the sign of a guy who loves you? I think not. I think that he simply does not have deep feelings for you and is struggling with how to deal with it. I agree with Janesays that he is being cowardly and is hoping you will dump him so he doesn’t have to do it himself. I think the holidays coming up are going to be the ultimate test for him. He's going to have multiple opportunities to invite me over to his hometown to hang out with his friends and I'll be on watch to see how that plays out. If he fails that, then like I told him, I'm done. Do you have plans with him (and his family) on December 24 or 25? 1
ThatMan Posted December 20, 2013 Posted December 20, 2013 SER, you seem like such a sweet person. I'm sorry things have been rough. I can understand feeling as though he deserves a chance to correct a behavior. But it is not your job to teach him how to become a well-adjusted adult who is ready for relationships, especially at that cost of your own comfort and happiness.
Author SER Posted December 20, 2013 Author Posted December 20, 2013 There is no such thing as "relationship dumb". Treating someone kindly and respectfully has nothing to do with being "relationship smart". You don't have to be "relationship smart" to not lie and to not keep secrets. You're making more excuses for him. I mean relationship dumb as in they hadn't experienced a problem behavior and had a chance to correct it, so it keeps happening, and they're oblivious to it and make mistakes because of it. Not a real term I don't think, but that's what I meant by "relationship dumb".
Blade96 Posted December 20, 2013 Posted December 20, 2013 Had a guy like this. Always stood me up, and we were dating like your guy. and seemed apologetic when confronted. But - he'd go and do it again. I finally ended anything with him. Keep him around on fb cause he's ok as a fb friend. But would never make plans to hang out anymore. Ever. And then recently he met another girl. And did everything with her that he didn't do for me. Here's the thing - he was not that into me. He did everything and became responsible with her and not for me because he is into her, and wasn't that into me. If he was into you, SER, he would be doing these things. Sure mistakes can be made - but the thing is if he was really interested he'd work to clean it up once he was made aware of his un - boyfriendly duties. 3
Author SER Posted December 20, 2013 Author Posted December 20, 2013 (edited) Had a guy like this. Always stood me up, and we were dating like your guy. and seemed apologetic when confronted. But - he'd go and do it again. I finally ended anything with him. Keep him around on fb cause he's ok as a fb friend. But would never make plans to hang out anymore. Ever. And then recently he met another girl. And did everything with her that he didn't do for me. Here's the thing - he was not that into me. He did everything and became responsible with her and not for me because he is into her, and wasn't that into me. If he was into you, SER, he would be doing these things. Sure mistakes can be made - but the thing is if he was really interested he'd work to clean it up once he was made aware of his un - boyfriendly duties. See that was my exboyfriend. There were several things toward the end (so we went in reverse, perfect to start, years later stopped effort). He stopped doing a lot for me and I figured if he cared, he would have done them. I talked to him to correct it, and he messed up a month later. I gave him one last chance and he messed that up too. I broke up with him and that was that. I've heard from him and he's made some real changes and from what I hear from his family, it's all in an effort to better himself and also in hopes that I might come back. The last time I saw him, was early last December I think, he said that he should've expressed how much he meant and taken it more seriously and that he didn't realize he was in such danger of losing me. He said that he always saw us growing old together and being the uncle to my nieces and nephews. Too little, too late. I think that's another reason why it's easier for me to give my current SO a chance, I know that crap relationship where the guy doesn't do anything, doesn't put any effort into a lot of things. But this is just one thing that he hasn't fixed completely where every other thing he does, he actually does put a lot of effort into. And I'm making a real effort to communicate with him, as that was a huge factor in the demise of my last relationship. This is a lesson for me too, I mean, relationships are all about learning. With this I'll either learn that he's an empty promise spouting dbag (can't wait for the I told you so's if that's the case) and stop putting so much effort into helping people, or I'll learn that some people can change with more effort than others would usually provide/giving people a chance can still work. Don't worry though, I won't waste too much time if it's the former. Edited December 20, 2013 by SER
Blade96 Posted December 20, 2013 Posted December 20, 2013 See that was my exboyfriend. There were several things toward the end (so we went in reverse, perfect to start, years later stopped effort). He stopped doing a lot for me and I figured if he cared, he would have done them. I talked to him to correct it, and he messed up a month later. I gave him one last chance and he messed that up too. I broke up with him and that was that. I've heard from him and he's made some real changes and from what I hear from his family, it's all in an effort to better himself and also in hopes that I might come back. The last time I saw him, was early last December I think, he said that he should've expressed how much he meant and taken it more seriously. He said that he always saw us growing old together and being the uncle to my nieces and nephews. Too little, too late. I think that's another reason why it's easier for me to give my current SO a chance, I know that crap relationship where the guy doesn't do anything, doesn't put any effort into a lot of things. But this is just one thing that he hasn't fixed completely where every other thing he does, he actually does put a lot of effort into. And I'm making a real effort to communicate with him, as that was a huge factor in the demise of my last relationship. This is a lesson for me too, I mean, relationships are all about learning. With this I'll either learn that he's a empty promise spouting dbag (can't wait for the I told you so's if that's the case) and stop putting so much effort into helping people, or I'll learn that some people can change with more effort than others would usually provide/giving people a chance can still work. Don't worry though, I won't waste too much time if it's the former. well I see no harm in giving him one more chance. I did that with that guy too. And - if he is what I and people suspect he is, I won't give you an i told you so, because I don't think i told you so's really accomplish anything more than rubbing it in their face. Productive. (That last word is sarcasm)
emva07 Posted December 20, 2013 Posted December 20, 2013 how many more get-free tickets are you willing to give him? this is the 3rd time you are bringing this up. Ok so he will fix himself for a few weeks, maybe a few months, but what happens when you notice this again, say in March when all the festive months are gone? Another chance since he went so long "fixed"? or at the 4th it's bust?
emva07 Posted December 20, 2013 Posted December 20, 2013 also....when a guy says "I don't know" to a question like this....he knows.... It's just that the answer will hurt. 2
Janesays Posted December 20, 2013 Posted December 20, 2013 I, for one, am not going to stop you from careening into a brick wall if that is what you want to do. My only request is that when you are finished embarrassing yourself and are willing to admit that we were right, you come here, woman up, and try to help the next girl who asks whether or not she should 'give him one more' chance...only to end up eating more poo in the name of 'love.' See you in a couple of months. 1
emva07 Posted December 20, 2013 Posted December 20, 2013 I, for one, am not going to stop you from careening into a brick wall if that is what you want to do. My only request is that when you are finished embarrassing yourself and are willing to admit that we were right, you come here, woman up, and try to help the next girl who asks whether or not she should 'give him one more' chance...only to end up eating more poo in the name of 'love.' See you in a couple of months. That's me! Towards the end I was so sad/angry/annoyed, I came here, I took everyone's advice because, well, 10 pages of people telling me the same thing can't be wrong. Now I am happy and that is all in my very distant and lame past.... Now I am here, shearing my (and mom's) wealth with other youngin's. Overall I have learned to call a spade a spade and end it because suffering at the expense of others (friends included) is BS. 1
clia Posted December 20, 2013 Posted December 20, 2013 I still want to know what plans the two of you have for December 24 and 25. At a year into the relationship, I would expect that by December 20 you would have discussed this and would be planning on spending those days together (or) with your families together -- especially since his family is only an hour away. If he hasn't brought this up yet with you, I think that is a blazing red flag. Which brings me to another point. Are the two of you spending New Year's Eve together or will he be hanging out with his friends? I would also expect that discussion to have happened by now.
regine_phalange Posted December 20, 2013 Posted December 20, 2013 I would just like to state that the opinions of the people in this topic have helped me also very much, since the ex I mentioned is still trying to get back with me. There are brief moments that I catch my self wanting to reply, but then I think about it again, and feel like "ugh, not again! Please!". SER, the people here are absolutely right. It hurts to admit that someone who is so affectionate towards us, in the end has such superficial feelings. At the same time its not our fault and should not be our problem. They can make a thousand excuses for their behaviour... But We can also make a thousand excuses coming from our childhood, our baggage etc, about us wanting to hang out with their friends. What makes these men more important than us? Spare them, really. Being around them lowers our IQ, no kidding! I know Im smart, you know you re smart, and this kind of situations makes us seem just stupid! Hurts to admit that but its the truth. *hug*
winny Posted December 20, 2013 Posted December 20, 2013 (edited) If I have learnt something from past failed relationships, then it is this.. whenever a guy says... I will do so and so in future... I will change myself in future.... I will make this change that change in future... to make the "relationship" work .. that is all rubbish. A guy who is scared of losing u, will not wait for future or the next day. He will make the changes then and there. He will leave whatever he is doing and just devote all his time to make it up to you. Till you feel happy and secure. He will forget his friends, ex-gf... it will be just you. He will talk to you, ask you from his side how he can make you feel completely secure and do all that. He will go out of his way.... He wouldn't rest. You can see from his behavior, how important you are to him, and how much effort he is putting so that you don't leave him. So that he can earn your complete trust. You don't have to ask us. You will know it yourself. Heck.. I am like that even with my friends when I unintentionally hurt them, I cannot sleep or eat and feel so hurt and ashamed that I did something stupid which hurt them. That feeling of guilt bcoz of hurting someone I really care for.... it won't let me rest till I am completely sure that my friend is okay and not hurting anymore. Is he feeling that pain in his heart coz he has hurt you, caused you pain and anxiety more than once now and hasn't exactly done anything to avoid hurting you in future? Doesn't seem like that to me. If you stick to this guy... this will only escalate and aggravate. That's it. And you know it in your heart. Come on now... Edited December 20, 2013 by winny edit 1
emva07 Posted December 20, 2013 Posted December 20, 2013 another wise advice my mom told me once it was over "I always wanted to tell you he wasn't good for you but that is a decision only you had to come to on your own" We all have to fall before we learn how to walk. 1
Untouchable_Fire Posted December 20, 2013 Posted December 20, 2013 I asked him why he is having such a hard time with this and he said he's trying to figure that out himself. He said that this is the first time this problem has come up for him in a relationship and he didn't know why. He said that maybe because all of his past gfs were all friends that hung around in his social circle and when events happened, they were always just there anyway. So he never really had to think about inviting them along, because they were always just there. I see what he means... with my ex, we would both get a text about an event with our mutual long time friends and we would just show up together. There wasn't much of inviting either, we were just always both invited to things. He got even more defeated, lost his posture, and said that he understood and that he was sorry that he keeps making me feel this way. I know a lot of you think he's stringing me a long/not into me, but other actions of his say otherwise, I think. We had had a serious discussion about a month ago I think the holidays coming up are going to be the ultimate test for him. He's going to have multiple opportunities to invite me over to his hometown to hang out with his friends and I'll be on watch to see how that plays out. If he fails that, then like I told him, I'm done. I know you are very emotionally invested here and plan to ride this out, but just know that this is going to end in tears. Your only real choice is cry now or in 10 wasted years. 2
Zahara Posted December 20, 2013 Posted December 20, 2013 A guy "didn't think" about inviting his gf to things because she's not in some circle like his exs? A guy that is into a his gf will want her there, look forward to having her there, thinks about inviting her because he wants her to be there. From all your past threads, nothing is changing. Thanksgiving was a big huge sign for you. On an important holiday like that, he chose to spend it with his friends. That was your get the f out card. You are desperate and clinging for this work.
emva07 Posted December 20, 2013 Posted December 20, 2013 (edited) Reading your old posts I can't help but think that your relationship is more of a FWB situation. In your head it may be a relationship, and for you to be at peace he says that to you. In his head you are just a FWB. Two months into the relationship and he didn't introduce you as his GF?? Now you will wonder, but he's so nice blah blah blah. Trust me, I have had some wonderful friends with benefits that were super nice to me, respectful and all. They were great guys and I deff love them as friends, and we cuddle and spend nights and all, we have great conversations and laughs. I think that a lot of people assume that if a guy isn't your bf he can't be sweet and romantic and give you the key to his apt. That is why a lot of girls end up asking "but if he's not into me then why this why that"? You can be a nice guy and still not love a girl. The ex gets a lot more attention than you, and to be honest, sounds like SHE'S the one that he loves but for some reason or another they just didn't work out. Edited December 20, 2013 by emva07 1
Leigh 87 Posted December 20, 2013 Posted December 20, 2013 My boyfriend, who I only met 3 weeks ago , invited me to his 30th birthday to meet all his friends and family members. After one date and a week of talking online a lot, he determined that he'd be proud to introduce me as his girlfriend. We may not last, but hey. At least I won't stand for guys who don't seem into me at any given point. I know you want a guy who doesn't take months to consider you his girlfriend. I know you want a guy who doesn't ever think to log onto dating sites at ANY POINT in your " relationship" I know you want a guy who invites you to his home town weekend activities with his friends. ..... We don't "think" he's not into you; we KNOW. A guy who is into his girlfriend just cannot POSSIBLY act the way your boyfriend acts...... 2
FitChick Posted December 20, 2013 Posted December 20, 2013 Ask to meet his ex at this dinner and then try to take her aside or call her later to ask why she dumped him. If she had similar experiences to you, you will know this is what he is like so you can dump him without a second thought.
emva07 Posted December 21, 2013 Posted December 21, 2013 Ask to meet his ex at this dinner and then try to take her aside or call her later to ask why she dumped him. If she had similar experiences to you, you will know this is what he is like so you can dump him without a second thought. No, because even then there will be excuses made...."well he will be different with me , she was probably a bad gf anyways" ...."he was younger and immature back then" etc etc. 1
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