SER Posted December 19, 2013 Posted December 19, 2013 I talked to my SO of almost year (we are mid 20s) a couple of weeks ago expressing my disappointment with him putting his friends before me when making plans. Additionally, he hadn't contacted me for Thanksgiving break at all. He apologized and said that he'd make a better effort. I am spending Monday with him because that's our 1 year anniversary. We don't live together and see eachother about 3 times a week. This Tuesday he said that he had plans Friday (I assumed guy night) and I was ok with that. Then he said he had plans Saturday night. Ok, no huge deal I thought, I'll see him Monday. Come to find out, one of his friends bailed on Friday leaving his other friend the only one left to make it to hang out. He told me on Wednesday that their plans for Friday was to cook a cool new dinner. Sounds fun and I immediately felt a little slighted when I found out that the the two friends going to his apartment to do this was one guy friend and my boyfriend's ex-girlfriend. I have one issue with the ex only in that she was first described to me as his friend in June and was only told months later by him that she was his ex of about 2 years from highschool. They chat from time to time via text. Since it wasn't a guy's only thing, I felt slighted. Then he tells me the guy friend can't go and asks of it's ok to still have the cooking plans. Meaning it would be him and his ex cooking together alone in his a apt drinking a few beers. I told him that was weird but ok asking him how he'd feel if I did that (having an ex over to my house alone with alcohol involved), he said he'd have the same response. I didn't have long to develop a response as he asked me this before we left for work yesterday morning walking out to the cars. He said he'd see if they could figure out something else that night instead because he loves me and we parted ways to go to work. I didn't get to see him yesterday because of work, so I will be seeing him today after work. Is it unreasonable to want to be included in either of these plans? I'm not saying that I want to go to every event that he has with his friends, but I'd like the option to go to some of them! Guys night, sure don't worry about asking me... but when it's a friend's night including males and females, I felt like an invite would have been nice. He didn't even offer for me to come Friday when his other friend bailed leaving his ex and him alone, just asked if it was ok to be alone with her and keep the plans.... I guess at least he had the decency to ask, but the clear answer is that it's not ok. But I'd kinda like for him to come to that conclusion himself. I'm planning to talk to him and tell him that I'm not sure that this relationship is right for me... I feel like if he really wanted me to be there, I would've been invited. And if he didn't want me to be there, then that's no good. Someone should want to be with me and include me in fun activities, right? Everything else in this relationship is great, but this just doesn't feel good. I'm not sure if I should break up with him and give him another chance if he decides that he really does want me after all or just leave him altogether. He is a great guy otherwise, makes me laugh, is sweet, great job, great work ethic. I just don't know why I'm disregarded and if that's something that can change or not.
mercuryshadow Posted December 19, 2013 Posted December 19, 2013 You are not being unreasonable or demanding at all! In fact, after what you've shared here, I'd venture to say that something is amiss. If after a year of exclusivity, your boyfriend still does not invite you to hang out with his friends and other couples, there is something very, very, very sketchy going on. I may have said that you need to have a discussion with him and ask him why he won't include you... UNTIL you mentioned one-on-one situations between him and his ex girlfriend. Not okay. VERY not okay. Perhaps his asking your permission was some kind of ease to his conscience? You need to investigate this further. It seems he is keeping you separate from the rest of his social circle for a reason. I'm very sorry you're going through this, however, you should no longer be giving your boyfriend the benefit of the doubt. 1
Zahara Posted December 19, 2013 Posted December 19, 2013 I understand guys night but it wasn't guys night when he had the ex over cooking together. He could have invited his girlfriend. Shady. If after a year together, he still keeps you separate from his activities with friends, something isn't right. I understand not having you involved in every single thing that he does, but there is no reason to have you sitting at home alone by yourself while he entertains an ex-girlfriend, alone in his home. 5
ThatMan Posted December 19, 2013 Posted December 19, 2013 Your story reminds me of that one odd number friend everybody seems to have, who also so happens to be the third wheel. But you aren't the odd one out. Your his girlfriend. Planning to spend time with an Ex but not you is very weird. It's inappropriate behavior. You can't make him become more inclusive. The most you may do is take the initiative alone by planning a date and invite him. Hopefully the relationship can be rekindled. I also liked your question below - Is it unreasonable to want to be included in either of these plans? What happens when you ask him that question? I think it's perfectly reasonable to share your concerns with him much the same way as your entire message. 4
clia Posted December 19, 2013 Posted December 19, 2013 Your boyfriend just doesn't seem that into you. I went back through some of your previous threads to try to figure out what is going on here, and it seems pretty apparent that he is only half in your relationship. I mean, the lack of an invitation to spend Thanksgiving together (when he was only going an hour away), his lack of contact over the Thanksgiving holiday, his regularly going back to his hometown on Saturday nights to hang with his friends rather than spending it with you (or even inviting you), his giving you the crumbs of a Sunday night date on the weekends (blech), and frankly his sporadic contact throughout your relationship do not lead me to believe that you are a priority for him in the least. I cannot fathom being with a guy for almost a year and him not wanting to see me on a normal Friday or Saturday night. It's not logical. Come to find out, one of his friends bailed on Friday leaving his other friend the only one left to make it to hang out. He told me on Wednesday that their plans for Friday was to cook a cool new dinner. Sounds fun and I immediately felt a little slighted when I found out that the the two friends going to his apartment to do this was one guy friend and my boyfriend's ex-girlfriend. I don't blame you for feeling slighted. This is exactly the type of event that I would expect his girlfriend (you) to be invited to participate in. Since it wasn't a guy's only thing, I felt slighted. Then he tells me the guy friend can't go and asks of it's ok to still have the cooking plans. Meaning it would be him and his ex cooking together alone in his a apt drinking a few beers. I told him that was weird but ok asking him how he'd feel if I did that (having an ex over to my house alone with alcohol involved), he said he'd have the same response. It is weird. It's beyond weird -- it's super weird. And the fact that he acknowledges that it's weird, but still didn't invite you is alarming. I am not a jealous person i the least, but his not inviting you to hang out with them is a huge red flag to me. I can't imagine why he wouldn't want to see you on Friday night, considering that he is going out with his friends on Saturday night. Is it unreasonable to want to be included in either of these plans? You are not being unreasonable at all to expect to spend Friday or Saturday night with your boyfriend of nearly a year. Or to expect to be invited along when there is a coed event of hanging out, drinking and cooking dinner. I think it is a huge, massive red flag and a huge indication of where you fall on his priority list. In my opinion, you need to rethink this relationship. Are you happy with crumbs? I'm planning to talk to him and tell him that I'm not sure that this relationship is right for me... I feel like if he really wanted me to be there, I would've been invited. And if he didn't want me to be there, then that's no good. Good. Do this. Let me tell you something -- my boyfriend even invites me along on his guy's nights. I usually decline because I want him to have time with his friends, but he doesn't mind in the least (neither do they, frankly) if I'm there with him when he is out having fun. He wants me there. It's like the exact opposite of your situation, which is why I'm having such a hard time with what you are going through. 1
Poppyolive Posted December 19, 2013 Posted December 19, 2013 Right! Tell him how you feel, what you want and if he can't give it... Then leave. Hugs 1
Author SER Posted December 19, 2013 Author Posted December 19, 2013 mercuryshadow: Investigate further... meaning find out why he's disregarding me in situations involving his social circle or the ex thing? As far as I know, they are just friends and I know that she dumped him because she was just "done" (gave him no real reason). I don't think there is anything going on there, but the fact is that she's an ex, they've done things together in the past, and it's not ok. I don't know her or her agenda, if any. Zahara: It really seems that he's separating me from his friends all the time. He invited me out with him and his WORK friend last weekend, but that's not his usual circle of friends. That's the first time I had been included in plans since our talk after Thanksgiving. ThatMan: You said I can't make him be more inclusive... so how do I remedy this situation? I badly want this to be rekindled since he's great in so many other ways. But I don't know that when he makes plans that the thought "let me call SER to invite her" at all. It's an event with his friends, so his friends are there. I'm not a thought in his mind it seems like when his friends are having events. I've only been invited to 4 in the past year, and two of them were last minute inviting me, where the other friends knew days in advance.
Author SER Posted December 19, 2013 Author Posted December 19, 2013 clia: Thank you so much. I'm definitely not happy with crumbs... I just want him. Reminds me of the song "I want you to want me..." That's kind of where I'm at. I'm just so frustrated and sad, to be honest, that even after the talk a few weeks ago that this is still happening and with an added red flag (ex). I don't want to call it quits because I think this is salvageable, but I do want to call it quits because I think he doesn't understand how wrong this really is. Poppyolive: Thanks for the hugs. =) I guess I can just include that when I talk to him. I gave him a warning and this is his last chance... if you can't meet the standard for keeping me a priority, I'm done. Perhaps when I talked to him last time that didn't get across to him...
mercuryshadow Posted December 19, 2013 Posted December 19, 2013 mercuryshadow: Investigate further... meaning find out why he's disregarding me in situations involving his social circle or the ex thing? As far as I know, they are just friends and I know that she dumped him because she was just "done" (gave him no real reason). I don't think there is anything going on there, but the fact is that she's an ex, they've done things together in the past, and it's not ok. I don't know her or her agenda, if any. Zahara: It really seems that he's separating me from his friends all the time. He invited me out with him and his WORK friend last weekend, but that's not his usual circle of friends. That's the first time I had been included in plans since our talk after Thanksgiving. ThatMan: You said I can't make him be more inclusive... so how do I remedy this situation? I badly want this to be rekindled since he's great in so many other ways. But I don't know that when he makes plans that the thought "let me call SER to invite her" at all. It's an event with his friends, so his friends are there. I'm not a thought in his mind it seems like when his friends are having events. I've only been invited to 4 in the past year, and two of them were last minute inviting me, where the other friends knew days in advance. Well, you should investigate both, SER. Some guys (and yes, I find that guys do this more than girls do) compartmentalize their life. And I often find that it is unhealthy and detrimental to relationships. I had an ex like this for about 5 years. Talking to him until I was blue in the face did no good, when all I would do when he failed to meet my expectations was give him another chance. It became a very unhealthy relationship and I truly wish I'd gotten out sooner. Totally my own fault. No matter what the history, hanging out with an ex one on one is completely inappropriate. If you believe there are no feelings there then fair enough, but you should certainly be asking a lot of questions about this aspect of the situation, as well as the exclusion pattern as a whole. Best of luck. And please, if you tell him it's his last chance, please DO mean it. 1
ThatMan Posted December 19, 2013 Posted December 19, 2013 Perhaps you should consider why this is another slap in the face. Is there more going on? I mean, if you stop to look at the language used, it might tell you something about your feelings. You cannot remedy the situation alone. He needs to reciprocate. The most you may do is offer the opportunities to reconnect and have a good time. You can invite him out to dates. You can sit down and share with him your thoughts. You can tell him how much he means to you and share what would help you feel better about the relationship. You can mix things up and try something new together. There's a lot you can do. He is responsible for his own behavior. The only person who can make him invite you more often is himself. 1
Zahara Posted December 19, 2013 Posted December 19, 2013 As Clia pointed out, I read your other threads. One in particular whereby he was texting a girl while you were there inviting her to a pub crawl with his friends and never invited you. This was back in July and it seems six months later, nothing much has changed. He didn't even spend Thanksgiving with you but rather had all the time in the world to meet friends. I think it's time for you to evaluate this relationship, your expectations and whether he can live up to them.
emva07 Posted December 19, 2013 Posted December 19, 2013 I agree in that he's not in that relationship 100% He's more preoccupied with enjoying his youth, which to be honest, isn't a bad thing, it's just coming at your expense. There are many cases out there in which SOs do this....exclude their partners from get togethers yet the ex always seems to be there....this usually ends up with the SO finding out that this whole time their partner and the ex use these outings to flirt with each other, see each other, rub each other's ego and the friends just stand by watching and not telling. Maybe they liked her better or maybe it's as simple as they don't care. I know I wouldn't, not my business to tell.
truth_seeker Posted December 19, 2013 Posted December 19, 2013 Facts: > he doesn't respect you. > he doesn't value your relationship. > he's mostly likely cheating on you. Now that you know the facts, what do you plan on doing? Being a glutton for punishment or leave him? 2
winny Posted December 19, 2013 Posted December 19, 2013 Read bit of your old posts also. If you really want a good happy stress-free relationship - this is not the guy for you. Clearly you are not his priority. Whatever might be the reason behind it. It's amazing how much a girl can put up with and still continue being in a relationship. I have been there. Completely not worth it. It's also amazing, how can a guy not appreciate a girl who is trying to be at his side in spite of all this. Time for you to take some tough decisions here. 3
emva07 Posted December 19, 2013 Posted December 19, 2013 I can't understand why so many fellow mid-20 females put themselves under this martyr of love predicament. A guy treats me with disrespect like this, I'm out. I don't want to look back in my 40s-50s thinking about how I wasted the best years of my life suffering and stressing over a guy who sure as hell made sure he enjoyed his. 5
regine_phalange Posted December 19, 2013 Posted December 19, 2013 He will never listen to your very valid request, because he simply does not want to do so. Men always say how they want women to be direct. But when we are direct and explain why we are annoyed, some brush us off saying they will not do it again.. Only to keep doing it. When it happened to me, and before calling it quits (I'm a bit stubborn before giving up hope), I tried the following; 1) Told him I would love to be included in this part of his life as well 2) Inviting him to hang out with my own friends 3) Discussing the fact that I really mean I want to hang out with his friends 4) Stopping inviting him to hang out with my friends 5) Getting mad at him because he still continued doing it 6) Left him! Nothing else left to do. 2
truth_seeker Posted December 19, 2013 Posted December 19, 2013 This is a case of girl not wanting the good guy but loves the bad guy. I'm nice to women, I get "Aww, you're so sweet!!!" and maybe a hug. I'm an a-hole, I get cursed at and an hour later she's riding me like a bull in a rodeo. Women. Go figure.
winny Posted December 19, 2013 Posted December 19, 2013 I can't understand why so many fellow mid-20 females put themselves under this martyr of love predicament. A guy treats me with disrespect like this, I'm out. I don't want to look back in my 40s-50s thinking about how I wasted the best years of my life suffering and stressing over a guy who sure as hell made sure he enjoyed his. I so agree to this. I look at past 3 years of my life and I feel what a waste it was when I was stressing over guys who didn't care about my feelings. OP - Please don't do it. It will hurt to leave this person. It will be hard. But maybe for a few months. However if you continue with him... it will be years n years of stress and hurt. And he might dump you some time when your priority becomes zero some time in near future. 1
Author SER Posted December 19, 2013 Author Posted December 19, 2013 So it seems like there's a camp of give him a chance and a camp of dump him. truthseeker - But he is the good guy! He's the nerdy, goofy, sweet guy... except for this. The other 2 guys I dated were clearly different and were the "bad boys" in the sense that you make it seem. That's another reason why I think I'm having a hard time with this. Of course, with y'all having only heard the bad, he seems like a d***. But he is very sweet otherwise, which is why this is all so weird and perhaps even more upsetting. I know there are more fish in the sea, etc., I found this guy that way too. I think I'll talk to him after I get to his place after work today,tell him how I feel, and then find my way home. =/ 1
winny Posted December 19, 2013 Posted December 19, 2013 So it seems like there's a camp of give him a chance and a camp of dump him. truthseeker - But he is the good guy! He's the nerdy, goofy, sweet guy... except for this. The other 2 guys I dated were clearly different and were the "bad boys" in the sense that you make it seem. That's another reason why I think I'm having a hard time with this. Of course, with y'all having only heard the bad, he seems like a d***. But he is very sweet otherwise, which is why this is all so weird and perhaps even more upsetting. I know there are more fish in the sea, etc., I found this guy that way too. I think I'll talk to him after I get to his place after work today,tell him how I feel, and then find my way home. =/ I think he is the bad guy in disguise of good guy. Last year I was involved with such a guy - nerdy, goofy, sweet..... His friends of years had no idea how he really is, until they saw him treating me so bad. If he was so sweet and good you wouldn't be worrying at all....... It's all right to have one more talk. But question is doesn't he have enough brains to know how to treat you right on his own? Or why is there so much distance between you two that you have to ask us here instead of asking him directly? What I see is, it's not some one off incident and that you have had talks with him on this earlier also when he forgot to tell you about some camping trip. One more try wouldn't hurt, but why doesn't he realize anything, why doesn't he put more effort... doesn't he care if this works out or not? Like you are caring and worrying now?? For this thing to actually work, the guy has to put as much effort as you, without you pushing him for it. 3
Untouchable_Fire Posted December 19, 2013 Posted December 19, 2013 I just don't know why I'm disregarded and if that's something that can change or not. He isn't into you. I don't even know why he bothers to date you. I treat my dog better than he treats you. Find someone worthy and fall in love... Broom this guy. 1
Author SER Posted December 19, 2013 Author Posted December 19, 2013 winny: I would think he has the brains to do it on his own. I don't know if he's just inexperienced or what. He's relationship dumb. Very smart otherwise, he's an electrical engineer, so you'd think he'd be able to do this right! He seemed so sincere when he wanted to do better after I talked to him and he did make an effort to include me last weekend, but that wasn't his group of friends and the same thing happened this weekend: plans Friday, plans Saturday. No me. Untouchable_Fire: I might ask him just that - why he bothers to date me. Ugh.
ExpatInItaly Posted December 19, 2013 Posted December 19, 2013 I must agree with several other posters and say that he's just not that into the relationship. You shouldn't have to push to be included once in a while; you shouldn't be made to feel left out while he cozies up to his ex alone. (Seriously?) It's quite clear he isn't as invested as you are. You have already voiced your concerns and he hasn't been motivated to change. You've really done all you can do, in my opinion. Your needs and desires (which aren't unreasonable) aren't being met. Take a good step back and ask yourself what price this relationship is coming at. He's out whooping it up with friends and former loves - where are you? 3
ThatMan Posted December 19, 2013 Posted December 19, 2013 (edited) Don't you think it's possible that there are other men out there who possess the qualities you look for, and they're also inclusive? Untouchable_Fire: I might ask him just that - why he bothers to date me. Ugh. I strongly urge you to ask yourself a similar question. Why should you date him if he behaves this way? I hope you make a decision that's good for you. You should have some options to willingly choose from. Where you go from here is up to you. Edited December 19, 2013 by ThatMan
anna121 Posted December 19, 2013 Posted December 19, 2013 I'm sure he's a nice guy. He might even be capable of being a great boyfriend. Just not for you. After a year, the relationship is what it is. The odds of it changing are extremely slim. If you can't live with it, move on.
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