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Question from ex-other-woman to betrayed/wayward spouses

Cinnimon

By Cinnimon
in General Relationship Discussion

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Cinnimon Established Member

Cinnimon

Posted
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Posted
You cannot really believe what a WS says. They are actively lying whether it is to the affair partner, their spouse, most likely both. What I never can understand even been the betrayed person myself, why an affair partner would want a relationship with someone who is obviously lying to at least one person, displaying the ability to cheat when supposedly committed.

 

 

I try not to judge people for their actions but married people in affairs often use the "I am about to disclose", "I'm moving out soon", "I am going to tell the spouse soon" and months and years later very little has changed. Just hope you learn from this

 

I'm in the process of trying to understand myself. As for learning from this, I have, I am and probably will for a long, long time.

experiencethedevine Established Member

experiencethedevine

Posted
Posted

It is highly likely that the man C was involved with will likely instigate another affair with someone else given that he has failed to face the reality of his actions in spite of his so called 'battle' with his conscience about whether to reveal himself in all his disrespectful self entitlement.

 

 

Attending to his spiritual conscience? I really don't think he knows what 'conscience' means let alone honouring his professed spiritual 'values'.

 

 

The man is a treacherous hypocrite frankly.

  • Like 1
lilmisscantbewrong Established Member

lilmisscantbewrong

Posted
Posted
It is highly likely that the man C was involved with will likely instigate another affair with someone else given that he has failed to face the reality of his actions in spite of his so called 'battle' with his conscience about whether to reveal himself in all his disrespectful self entitlement.

 

 

Attending to his spiritual conscience? I really don't think he knows what 'conscience' means let alone honouring his professed spiritual 'values'.

 

 

The man is a treacherous hypocrite frankly.

 

 

This is very accurate. These are very dangerous men, in my opinion, that use religion to justify an affair (my xmom did) and then use it to end an affair - what goofballs.

oldshirt Established Member

oldshirt

Posted
Posted

 

My question: At one point I was told by mm that he had considered coming clean with his BW. His excuse for not doing so was that he felt that it was his problem and he couldn't decide wether or not he would be telling her to dump his own guilt or because she needed to know.

He never told.

 

Thoughts on this?

 

 

It was a line to keep you holding on a little bit longer.

  • Like 1
oldshirt Established Member

oldshirt

Posted
Posted
Just for the sake of this discussion I will give this: I ended the A. After 3 1/2 years of him saying he was leaving BUT(insert every typical excuse) he finally said to me that because of his moral and spiritual beliefs he would not leave, BUT he wanted to continue having the A. I walked away.

 

I hadn't read all the other posts but this post proves my point.

 

It was simply another line to keep you hooked.

 

If he had told you from the beginning that you were just an extra piece of poon to keep his tank drained and that he had no real intention or plans to ever leave his wife, how long would you have stayed?

experiencethedevine Established Member

experiencethedevine

Posted
Posted
No he decides to do nothing..... at all.... not tell,,,,,not leave,,,, nothing.. if he made a decision to stay, he would admit everything. I know you hate this, but it is a default decision when not being honest.

 

 

 

I would venture it is more likely that the thought process goes something along these lines; 'If I just carry on the way I am and keep the other woman under wraps and happy so that my wife never knows what I am doing, then I have it all............ If my wife finds out what I have been doing she might throw me out and then what will I do???'

 

 

C, you were shrewd enough to follow your instincts in casting this man aside. That is the important thing. You had the tenacity to end the sorry business before it ended you...................

  • Like 5
Spark1111 Established Member

Spark1111

Posted
Posted
No he decides to do nothing..... at all.... not tell,,,,,not leave,,,, nothing.. if he made a decision to stay, he would admit everything. I know you hate this, but it is a default decision when not being honest.

 

So he then decides to maintain HIS status quo by lying to two women and using both to fill his needs.

 

This situation exemplifies poor communication and coping skills, conflict avoidance in the extreme, and cowardice borne from either poor self-esteem and/or selfish entitlement.

 

Those are the three main characteristics of married cheaters. Sorry C.

 

As long as he doesn't confront himself, which he lacks the courage to do, he will never have to change. His poor and fragile. self-esteem is built on never being the bad guy.

 

That is why he keeps his secrets.....avoid, deny, never tell.

 

It has very little to with sparing his wife's feelings. His feelings of inadequacy must be suppressed at all costs.

  • Like 6
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Cinnimon Established Member

Cinnimon

Posted
  • Author
Posted
I hadn't read all the other posts but this post proves my point.

 

It was simply another line to keep you hooked.

 

If he had told you from the beginning that you were just an extra piece of poon to keep his tank drained and that he had no real intention or plans to ever leave his wife, how long would you have stayed?

Old shirt, you might not believe this but I am telling the 100% truth, mm and I NEVER slept together. It was a purely emotional A. It was long distance. He had once told me a few times that he would come and see me and I declined. You see in my mind (which has certainly changed) I kept telling myself that if we didn't cross the physical line it was "not as bad" the fact that we had the emotional connection is what kept me.The ILY's and the we were meant to be together stuff, this must be fate stuff, is what kept me. I thought that if we could be "in love" without the physical part, it must be something special. Do I feel like an utter FOOL, yes I do. The minute all of that changed, the ILY, I can't leave but I will "keep" you, is when it ALL hit me.

  • Like 1
Journee Established Member

Journee

Posted
Posted

There is a book that I own called 'Every Woman's Battle'. It's about maintaining or regaining emotional and sexual integrity. It's based in Christianity but offers lots of just basic actions that can be done to keep boundaries with men that are not your ( general) husband.

 

Anyway....

 

There is a section that compares what pride does to one's integrity in contrast to what humility does.

 

° While pride says, " My needs should be met at any cost,"

humility says, "Meeting my needs is secondary to loving others."

 

I think pride plays a huge role in how some folk view themselves. Not only do they deserve to cheat but have deemed themselves the keeper of the BS's reality. They choose what they " should" know, when they should know it and to what degree the affects have on the WS. That is until a DDay of any sort. It's arrogance at its finest.

 

Pride becomes many people's downfall. Arrogance, entitlement and a willingness to overlook what is decent treatment of another human being.

 

Of course not all situations are cut and dry. I do not know a thing about your XMM's life or marriage. Just what you have shared here.

  • Like 4
Spark1111 Established Member

Spark1111

Posted
Posted
There is a book that I own called 'Every Woman's Battle'. It's about maintaining or regaining emotional and sexual integrity. It's based in Christianity but offers lots of just basic actions that can be done to keep boundaries with men that are not your ( general) husband.

 

Anyway....

 

There is a section that compares what pride does to one's integrity in contrast to what humility does.

 

° While pride says, " My needs should be met at any cost,"

humility says, "Meeting my needs is secondary to loving others."

 

I think pride plays a huge role in how some folk view themselves. Not only do they deserve to cheat but have deemed themselves the keeper of the BS's reality. They choose what they " should" know, when they should know it and to what degree the affects have on the WS. That is until a DDay of any sort. It's arrogance at its finest.

 

Pride becomes many people's downfall. Arrogance, entitlement and a willingness to overlook what is decent treatment of another human being.

 

Of course not all situations are cut and dry. I do not know a thing about your XMM's life or marriage. Just what you have shared here.

 

And we all know that "Pride goeth before the fall."

 

In addition to playing puppet master of the unknowing BS's reality, his deception also ensures she does not leave him to find a better man....one that would never cheat on her.

 

His control of her, or his reality, is borne out of his own inadequacy. Also, many a WS goes absolutely bonkers with jealousy when the loveless, frigid, uncaring spouse actually starts to date after separation or divorce.

 

it is one of their biggest fears. hence, the not telling.

  • Like 3
oldshirt Established Member

oldshirt

Posted
Posted
Old shirt, you might not believe this but I am telling the 100% truth, mm and I NEVER slept together. It was a purely emotional A. It was long distance. He had once told me a few times that he would come and see me and I declined. You see in my mind (which has certainly changed) I kept telling myself that if we didn't cross the physical line it was "not as bad" the fact that we had the emotional connection is what kept me.The ILY's and the we were meant to be together stuff, this must be fate stuff, is what kept me. I thought that if we could be "in love" without the physical part, it must be something special. Do I feel like an utter FOOL, yes I do. The minute all of that changed, the ILY, I can't leave but I will "keep" you, is when it ALL hit me.

 

I typically only discuss real world issues in the physical world inand have no interest in pen pal issues in the cyber realm but in this particular instance it doesn't chance anything I said.

 

It was a hook to keep you changing on an to keep logging on. No more, no less.

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Cinnimon Established Member

Cinnimon

Posted
  • Author
Posted
I typically only discuss real world issues in the physical world inand have no interest in pen pal issues in the cyber realm but in this particular instance it doesn't chance anything I said.

 

It was a hook to keep you changing on an to keep logging on. No more, no less.

I can appreciate that.

AlwaysGrowing Established Member

AlwaysGrowing

Posted
Posted

Lies...protect the liar.

 

Nothing more.

 

 

That which can be destroyed by the truth should be.

 

As...simple as that.

  • Like 1
tiredofitall2 Established Member

tiredofitall2

Posted
Posted
Just for the sake of this discussion I will give this: I ended the A. After 3 1/2 years of him saying he was leaving BUT(insert every typical excuse) he finally said to me that because of his moral and spiritual beliefs he would not leave, BUT he wanted to continue having the A. I walked away.

 

 

Moral and Spiritual beliefs? Really? LOL Committing wasn't against those values?

 

You do know that he could easily cheat on you as well, right?

thummper Established Member

thummper

Posted
Posted

Cinnimon, it speaks well of your character that you finally decided that you couldn't do this anymore. Sometimes what we desperately want blinds us to the sorrow and heartache that we face and that we have caused for someone else. You'll never really regret sending this dishonorable man on his way. He's played you shamefully, but you've redeemed yourself in your own eyes. The shame is on him, and to a MUCH lesser extent on you for participating in the A. But, you've thrown it back at him and walked away. You should be very proud of the choice you've made.

  • Like 1
Artie Lang Established Member

Artie Lang

Posted
Posted (edited)

personally, i think it's all about self preservation in the guise a noble act- not wanting to hurt a "loved one."

 

what a bunch of baloney.

Edited by Artie Lang
whichwayisup Established Member

whichwayisup

Posted
Posted
I am an XOW, I know I am sticking my neck out by posting here but I am trying desperately so learn about the A dynamics, the why's, what's and how's. I read here as to get insight from the BS and the WS. I do feel sickened by my actions and my part in the A hearing the pain, anger and excruciating heartache that are purged on here.

Not that it's worth much but I will state that I am no longer involved in the A. I ended it.

 

 

My question: At one point I was told by mm that he had considered coming clean with his BW. His excuse for not doing so was that he felt that it was his problem and he couldn't decide wether or not he would be telling her to dump his own guilt or because she needed to know.

He never told.

 

Thoughts on this?

 

Chances are he didn't tell because he didn't want to lose total control. He didn't want to face any consquences of his choices, deal with the fallout, have to go through years of counseling with his wife, prove himself to her that he can be trustworthy again.

 

He is a coward.

Got it Established Member

Got it

Posted
Posted
I am an XOW, I know I am sticking my neck out by posting here but I am trying desperately so learn about the A dynamics, the why's, what's and how's. I read here as to get insight from the BS and the WS. I do feel sickened by my actions and my part in the A hearing the pain, anger and excruciating heartache that are purged on here.

Not that it's worth much but I will state that I am no longer involved in the A. I ended it.

 

 

My question: At one point I was told by mm that he had considered coming clean with his BW. His excuse for not doing so was that he felt that it was his problem and he couldn't decide wether or not he would be telling her to dump his own guilt or because she needed to know.

He never told.

 

Thoughts on this?

 

I divorced without telling. I had a few reasons for this thinking, I had been planning my separation prior to the affair starting and I left the house a couple weeks into the affair starting. It was my call and I know that he may find out one day and I have no desire to deny it but I didn't see the point to pouring salt on the wound. I didn't leave for the affair, I have never regretted divorcing and I don't think my ex does either. I did not benefit from not telling in any way during the divorce and him knowing would not have changed our divorce as, at that point, we were paid equally with me making a little more, he had more in his 401K, we jointly owned our house, same debt, and no kids.

 

So I didn't tell. Right or wrong I had zero interest in reconciling (which I would have told then).

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