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Question from ex-other-woman to betrayed/wayward spouses

Cinnimon

By Cinnimon
in General Relationship Discussion

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Cinnimon Established Member

Cinnimon

Posted
Posted

I am an XOW, I know I am sticking my neck out by posting here but I am trying desperately so learn about the A dynamics, the why's, what's and how's. I read here as to get insight from the BS and the WS. I do feel sickened by my actions and my part in the A hearing the pain, anger and excruciating heartache that are purged on here.

Not that it's worth much but I will state that I am no longer involved in the A. I ended it.

 

 

My question: At one point I was told by mm that he had considered coming clean with his BW. His excuse for not doing so was that he felt that it was his problem and he couldn't decide wether or not he would be telling her to dump his own guilt or because she needed to know.

He never told.

 

Thoughts on this?

BHsigh Established Member

BHsigh

Posted
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Hahaha, that is a horrible rationalization. Of course the BS needs to know, like his guilt matters at that point, he's already proven that he either didn't have any guilt in the first place, or was able to ignore it successfully.

 

Guilt is the wrong word anyways, the correct word is cowardice.

  • Like 4
RightThere Established Member

RightThere

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My question: At one point I was told by mm that he had considered coming clean with his BW. His excuse for not doing so was that he felt that it was his problem and he couldn't decide wether or not he would be telling her to dump his own guilt or because she needed to know.

He never told.

 

Thoughts on this?

 

Personally at a BH, I think it's a bit of a cop out excuse. Coming clean is hard. Not just for the BS, but also for the WS to actually own up to their actions. While they are in the affair, it's a secret so they still carry the illusion with people that they are leading a certain life.

 

I believe a WS has a difficult time coming clean more for their own selfish reasons (blowing up their image, fall-out from friends and family, financial implications). Trying to pretend it's for selfless reasons (protect family, don't want to dump their problems on someone else) just makes them continue to feel better about themselves and what they are doing.

 

And good for you for asking. I know I struggle going to the Other Man/Woman section but I do to try and gain perspective. Hopefully this helps you as well.

  • Like 5
experiencethedevine Established Member

experiencethedevine

Posted
Posted
I am an XOW, I know I am sticking my neck out by posting here but I am trying desperately so learn about the A dynamics, the why's, what's and how's. I read here as to get insight from the BS and the WS. I do feel sickened by my actions and my part in the A hearing the pain, anger and excruciating heartache that are purged on here.

Not that it's worth much but I will state that I am no longer involved in the A. I ended it.

 

 

My question: At one point I was told by mm that he had considered coming clean with his BW. His excuse for not doing so was that he felt that it was his problem and he couldn't decide wether or not he would be telling her to dump his own guilt or because she needed to know.

He never told.

 

Thoughts on this?

 

 

There is no sticking your neck out being here, you have as much right to post here as those of us on the other side have to post in the OW/OM forum, please don't feel uncomfortable with a need to understand the dynamics of such a truly awful mess.

 

 

His excuse for not telling was simply to protect himself. As he has still not revealed his affair with you, he is still protecting his image in the face of his wife. In other words, the selfishness of: "what she doesn't know won't hurt her", in the full knowledge that telling her will put him in the position of possibly being told to leave. It's all relative really.

 

 

He might have 'considered' it, but he didn't actually 'do' it did he? It's the age old 'actions' issue.

 

 

He lied to both of you, unfortunately he continues to lie to his wife.

 

 

Well done you for getting out of such a terrible place. It sucks the life out of both women.

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Cinnimon Established Member

Cinnimon

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Thank you for the responses. I find myself dissecting the A. I need to do this. Not because I want it back but because I do not want it back, if that makes any sense.

  • Like 5
beach Established Member

beach

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He's not willing to be an honest person. He's given you evidence of that.

 

 

Without honesty - he lacks character. I'd have a hard time admiring anything about him as a person - and I'd know not to trust a thing he says.

  • Like 2
dichotomy Established Member

dichotomy

Posted
Posted
I am an XOW, I know I am sticking my neck out by posting here but I am trying desperately so learn about the A dynamics, the why's, what's and how's. I read here as to get insight from the BS and the WS. I do feel sickened by my actions and my part in the A hearing the pain, anger and excruciating heartache that are purged on here.

Not that it's worth much but I will state that I am no longer involved in the A. I ended it.

 

 

My question: At one point I was told by mm that he had considered coming clean with his BW. His excuse for not doing so was that he felt that it was his problem and he couldn't decide wether or not he would be telling her to dump his own guilt or because she needed to know.

He never told.

 

Thoughts on this?

 

If you have a problem - a weakeness for booze, drugs, or OW.....I think your spouse ought to know this kind of thing.

  • Like 2
BHsigh Established Member

BHsigh

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Thank you for the responses. I find myself dissecting the A. I need to do this. Not because I want it back but because I do not want it back, if that makes any sense.

 

Good for you! Too many OW/OM see themselves as entitled, when in reality they should see themselves as more deserving than to be a side piece for the WS.

 

You are better than needing to persue a married person, if someone cannot dedicate enough of themselves to be honest with everyone in their lives about you, then you do not need them, no matter what promises they may make to you in private.

  • Like 5
BetrayedH Established Member

BetrayedH

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I agree with the others that it's not ultimately a selfless act, although many claim the martyr role as they "deal with the guilt" for the rest of their lives. It's a kinda ridiculous spin that somehow makes the wayward the victim. The reality is that it's more akin to the cowardice they've shown by hiding an affair in the first place. For OW, I think it's even more plain to see because the MM didn't have the courage to leave his "awful" marriage either.

 

As well, it's disrespectful. Is his judgment so good that he gets to decide for her that she can't handle the truth? He gets to decide that she stays married to an unfaithful partner? Who is he really protecting here?

 

But perhaps the biggest challenge is that their marriage will remain a sham as long as there is such a huge lie between them. This will preclude real intimacy so all of his "effort" will be for naught.

  • Like 8
Fluttershy Established Member

Fluttershy

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I am sure there is an element of protecting the spouse IF the affair has already ended. To deny that is IMO being quite narrowminded. So, for selfish reasons they would rather not admit to, the WS focuses on that element an ignores all other points in order to not feel they should tell. If the affair hasn't ended then they are protecting the affair and keeping up the cake eating plain and simple.

  • Like 1
RightThere Established Member

RightThere

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Thank you for the responses. I find myself dissecting the A. I need to do this. Not because I want it back but because I do not want it back, if that makes any sense.

 

I am doing the exact same thing from the other side. I am dissecting everything about the affairs and why the happened. Information is power. And I plan to use it so I am smarter.

  • Like 5
BHsigh Established Member

BHsigh

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Posted
I am sure there is an element of protecting the spouse IF the affair has already ended. To deny that is IMO being quite narrowminded. So, for selfish reasons they would rather not admit to, the WS focuses on that element an ignores all other points in order to not feel they should tell. If the affair hasn't ended then they are protecting the affair and keeping up the cake eating plain and simple.

 

I would agree with you if the WS was 100% sure that they would never have another affair ever again, and that they are able to put 100% into their marriage from that point on. Can they really be honest enough with themselves to know for sure?

 

It also depends on how the affair ended, did OM/OW dump the WS or did the WS wise up and break of the affair? It makes a huge difference, if the OM/OW broke it off, then it's really no question that they need to confess. To not do so is simply to follow the path of the the fox in The Fox and the Grapes.

 

If it was a short term affair, and I mean a pretty short, that the WS broke off, then maybe they will be able to successfully rebuild their marriage without confessing.

  • Like 1
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Cinnimon Established Member

Cinnimon

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I am sure there is an element of protecting the spouse IF the affair has already ended. To deny that is IMO being quite narrowminded. So, for selfish reasons they would rather not admit to, the WS focuses on that element an ignores all other points in order to not feel they should tell. If the affair hasn't ended then they are protecting the affair and keeping up the cake eating plain and simple.

 

At the time this conversation took place, the A was still going on.

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Cinnimon Established Member

Cinnimon

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I would agree with you if the WS was 100% sure that they would never have another affair ever again, and that they are able to put 100% into their marriage from that point on. Can they really be honest enough with themselves to know for sure?

 

It also depends on how the affair ended, did OM/OW dump the WS or did the WS wise up and break of the affair? It makes a huge difference, if the OM/OW broke it off, then it's really no question that they need to confess. To not do so is simply to follow the path of the the fox in The Fox and the Grapes.

 

If it was a short term affair, and I mean a pretty short, that the WS broke off, then maybe they will be able to successfully rebuild their marriage without confessing.

Just for the sake of this discussion I will give this: I ended the A. After 3 1/2 years of him saying he was leaving BUT(insert every typical excuse) he finally said to me that because of his moral and spiritual beliefs he would not leave, BUT he wanted to continue having the A. I walked away.
  • Like 1
beach Established Member

beach

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That's why I say it's best to date after the divorce is final.

 

Having papers filled out doesn't indicate any person intends to file for divorce - much less go through with it being finalized.

 

Some MM will do/say anything and everything to have that OW hanging around.

 

It's good that you ended it!

  • Like 2
harrybrown Established Member

harrybrown

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If you are married, I hope you take the right time to tell your spouse.

 

If your SO had an affair, wouldn't you want to know?

painfullyobvious Established Member

painfullyobvious

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You cannot really believe what a WS says. They are actively lying whether it is to the affair partner, their spouse, most likely both. What I never can understand even been the betrayed person myself, why an affair partner would want a relationship with someone who is obviously lying to at least one person, displaying the ability to cheat when supposedly committed.

 

 

I try not to judge people for their actions but married people in affairs often use the "I am about to disclose", "I'm moving out soon", "I am going to tell the spouse soon" and months and years later very little has changed. Just hope you learn from this

ComingInHot Established Member

ComingInHot

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Cinnimon's exMM said, "he finally said to me that because of his moral and spiritual beliefs he would not leave, BUT he wanted to continue having the A."

 

Okay Cinnimon, the above comment is the BIGGEST LOAD OF SH*$ that I have EVER read!! :rolleyes:

Really?! In keeping with honoring his faith he won't divorce to be with you? WTH kind of religion does he practice cause it's certainly not ANY that I know of... :confused:

 

You are WAAAAY better off without this hypocritical, Lying, two-face, sack-of-a wanna-be man.... Few! I certainly feel better :D

 

Seriously, what "real man" would use the religion line regarding this whole stitch? Cinnimon, Please consider that the mm you had an A with is not "really" the man you love because I know you wouldn't knowingly love any person that would say this to you AFTER 3.5 YEARS of cheating, ya know?!

 

I'd kick him in the shin for you if I knew who it was* (and I'm a BS!)

  • Like 1
BetrayedH Established Member

BetrayedH

Posted
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Cinnimon's exMM said, "he finally said to me that because of his moral and spiritual beliefs he would not leave, BUT he wanted to continue having the A."

 

Okay Cinnimon, the above comment is the BIGGEST LOAD OF SH*$ that I have EVER read!! :rolleyes:

Really?! In keeping with honoring his faith he won't divorce to be with you? WTH kind of religion does he practice cause it's certainly not ANY that I know of... :confused:

 

You are WAAAAY better off without this hypocritical, Lying, two-face, sack-of-a wanna-be man.... Few! I certainly feel better :D

 

Seriously, what "real man" would use the religion line regarding this whole stitch? Cinnimon, Please consider that the mm you had an A with is not "really" the man you love because I know you wouldn't knowingly love any person that would say this to you AFTER 3.5 YEARS of cheating, ya know?!

 

I'd kick him in the shin for you if I knew who it was* (and I'm a BS!)

 

What she ^^^ said. I suspect his moral and spiritual standards will lead him to another 3.5 year affair. Sheesh.

  • Like 3
BetrayedH Established Member

BetrayedH

Posted
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I would agree with you if the WS was 100% sure that they would never have another affair ever again, and that they are able to put 100% into their marriage from that point on. Can they really be honest enough with themselves to know for sure?

 

It also depends on how the affair ended, did OM/OW dump the WS or did the WS wise up and break of the affair? It makes a huge difference, if the OM/OW broke it off, then it's really no question that they need to confess. To not do so is simply to follow the path of the the fox in The Fox and the Grapes.

 

If it was a short term affair, and I mean a pretty short, that the WS broke off, then maybe they will be able to successfully rebuild their marriage without confessing.

 

I wanted to like this post because I agree that if the MM wasn't the one to end the affair, then I'm not convinced they really feel enough guilt for "protecting the spouse" to be the motivation behind non-disclosure.

 

But if the affair were short (ONSs and such) and/or broken off by the MM out of guilt, there's even more reason to confess as it's more likely that the marriage can be salvaged. Interestingly enough, of the affairs that are known to the BS, about half of those were voluntarily disclosed. My point being, if the MM felt so much guilt that he ended the affair, it's common for him to later confess out of the same guilt. The ones that really feel guilt and true remorse will ultimately confess. The ones that don't really feel that guilty will find more elaborate reasons to lie. The lies don't get better with age.

 

And again, I'm not convinced at all that you can "rebuild" with such a huge deception between you. It's a farce.

 

No matter how you slice it, it doesn't make sense to keep lying.

  • Like 2
experiencethedevine Established Member

experiencethedevine

Posted
Posted
Thank you for the responses. I find myself dissecting the A. I need to do this. Not because I want it back but because I do not want it back, if that makes any sense.

 

 

 

You are protecting your renewed integrity and maintaining healthy boundaries by your efforts to understand how you spiralled into something so damaging.

 

 

I do hope you find it helpful here.

  • Like 3
Fluttershy Established Member

Fluttershy

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Hmmm interesting religeon where backstabbing, lying, cheating, infidelity, ect is okay but divorce isn't...

 

And integrity, faithfulness, and honesty are non important?

 

I think it must be a cult for cheaters

  • Like 1
ComingInHot Established Member

ComingInHot

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Intensity123 wrote, "My MMs BS knew the truth. After I told her that we were still seeing each other..."

 

Why?

Still seeing eachother?

Why?

Tell His Wife?

:confused:

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Cinnimon Established Member

Cinnimon

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If you are married, I hope you take the right time to tell your spouse.

 

If your SO had an affair, wouldn't you want to know?

No, I am not married. If I had a SO that had an affair I absolutely would want to know.

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Cinnimon Established Member

Cinnimon

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I understand all the reactions to the moral and spiritually reasoning. Especially when he was okay with involving himself for 3 1/2 years already AND still wanting to stay involved in the A after his revelation. I asked him what the difference between the two were in his mind and he became rather incensed and ask me if I was questioning God, to which I replied, no I am not questioning God, I am questioning you (A_HOLE, sorry) and despite what you may think, you are not him........

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