SilverZID Posted December 19, 2013 Posted December 19, 2013 Hey. So I've been having a lot of trouble over the past month or so. I'll start from the beginning. There was this girl I knew when I was young, we grew up together. When I was around 13 my family suddenly moved. We were gone for about 8 years, and I found out over that time that I really loved her. I'd think about her every day, and I couldn't hold a relationship with any girl cause I'd feel guilty. Guilty about still wanting to be with the other girl, and guilty when I realized that I only liked the new girl cause she reminded me of the girl back home. So, when I finally am able to come back, I find out she's engaged (though her fiance lives out of state, they lived together at one point and have been together for 4 years). At first I thought "that's fine, it was probably just a crush I held onto for too long", but spending time with her I realize that it's more than that. I don't know what to do, though. I can't try to interfere with their relationship, that just seems wrong, and even if it wasn't "wrong" it'd probably cause a lot of complex problems and make everything a mess. And there's also the chance that she'll be unable to see me the same way I see her, being that we grew up together (she may see me almost like a cousin). So if I do anything, it needs to be when she's unoccupied by another relationship. The sensible option is to move on I think, but I feel like she's the only person I can allow myself to truly be with for the long run. I feel like if she's out of my reach then I'll be miserable and have a "the one that got away" type deal. I just don't know how to deal with the situation. For now, though, I'm going to keep doing what we've been doing. I visit as a friend, we went to see a movie last week, we hang out often enough, and we're both nerds so I invited her to come with me to the Las Vegas Comicon in a few months. The Vegas thing might seem like a weird jump, but I went before and she told me she always wanted to go but didn't want to go alone, and then the second time the trip came up she asked if Vegas was fun, and then asked about the airplane rides, so I figured I could invite her (I had wanted to invite her before we talked about it, but didn't know if I should or not).
Under The Radar Posted December 19, 2013 Posted December 19, 2013 She is engaged ...... respect that. Would you want someone to impose on your future wedding plans? There are 3.5 billion other women on planet earth for you to strongly connect with. I'm sorry to say, but if you cannot be friends on a strictly platonic level, it might be best to cut ties. Hanging around someone you have romantic feelings for, with no chance for an intimate relationship with them, is a sure fire recipe for depression. 3
Author SilverZID Posted December 19, 2013 Author Posted December 19, 2013 She is engaged ...... respect that. Would you want someone to impose on your future wedding plans? There are 3.5 billion other women on planet earth for you to strongly connect with. I'm sorry to say, but if you cannot be friends on a strictly platonic level, it might be best to cut ties. Hanging around someone you have romantic feelings for, with no chance for an intimate relationship with them, is a sure fire recipe for depression. I'm not trying to intrude on her relationship, I said that. And I'm not going to cut ties with her cause she's engaged. I've known her for, literally, my entire life. One of my first memories is of her. I don't actually even care about relationships. The other girls I tried to form a connection with were me unconsciously picking girls like her, or trying to see if I could bring myself away from her. I'm not the type of guy that needs a wife or a girlfriend. The only way I'd be excited about such a relationship would be if it was with her. I just don't care about being with someone all that much.
Under The Radar Posted December 19, 2013 Posted December 19, 2013 I had a childhood friend like this, too. We met when we were 8 years old in little league baseball. She loved me dearly (more than a friend), but I never felt the same way about her. I did love her ...... just not in that way. Through middle school, high school, and our twenties we maintained our platonic relationship (though I knew she was romantically interested in me). She dated men off and on over the years, but I always felt like she was holding out for me. I remember her showing me journal entries from over the years where she wrote down how much I meant to her. Eventually, she did get married and has two beautiful children. If you allow it ...... you, too, will eventually connect with a woman on the same level described in the OP. You have mentioned how deep your love is for this girl is. If you truly love her, then you will want her to be happy. If that means a life with another man, and not you, then that's something you are going to have to accept. However, if you don't move on, and refuse to accept things the way they are, then you'll never be open to meeting someone new. 1
Author SilverZID Posted December 19, 2013 Author Posted December 19, 2013 I had a childhood friend like this, too. We met when we were 8 years old in little league baseball. She loved me dearly (more than a friend), but I never felt the same way about her. I did love her ...... just not in that way. Through middle school, high school, and our twenties we maintained our platonic relationship (though I knew she was romantically interested in me). She dated men off and on over the years, but I always felt like she was holding out for me. I remember her showing me journal entries from over the years where she wrote down how much I meant to her. Eventually, she did get married and has two beautiful children. If you allow it ...... you, too, will eventually connect with a woman on the same level described in the OP. You have mentioned how deep your love is for this girl is. If you truly love her, then you will want her to be happy. If that means a life with another man, and not you, then that's something you are going to have to accept. However, if you don't move on, and refuse to accept things the way they are, then you'll never be open to meeting someone new. This was a good response. Thank you. Well... I don't know what the future will bring. If her engagement doesn't work out then I have to try, and if it doesn't work out then I'll remember what you said. I'm sure it won't be easy, I'm a little more secluded than normal people and don't make friends easy, but I'll try not to shut down any future relationship. It may take a while, though, I think it'll take a couple years at least for me to really let go.
Untouchable_Fire Posted December 19, 2013 Posted December 19, 2013 I'm not trying to intrude on her relationship, I said that. And I'm not going to cut ties with her cause she's engaged. I've known her for, literally, my entire life. One of my first memories is of her. I don't actually even care about relationships. The other girls I tried to form a connection with were me unconsciously picking girls like her, or trying to see if I could bring myself away from her. I'm not the type of guy that needs a wife or a girlfriend. The only way I'd be excited about such a relationship would be if it was with her. I just don't care about being with someone all that much. You need to limit contact in order to move on. Respect her relationship. 1
PegNosePete Posted December 19, 2013 Posted December 19, 2013 When I was around 13 my family suddenly moved. We were gone for about 8 years, and I found out over that time that I really loved her. Dude, this is really, really weird. At 21 years old you're in love with someone you last saw when you were 13? Seriously? Dude you need to get over this and move on. 1
Author SilverZID Posted December 19, 2013 Author Posted December 19, 2013 You need to limit contact in order to move on. Respect her relationship. Because being out of state for 8 years isn't limiting my contact enough...? Should I leave the country? Dude, this is really, really weird. At 21 years old you're in love with someone you last saw when you were 13? Seriously? Dude you need to get over this and move on. I'm a weird guy. But I don't like people judging me like that. It's rude. And it's not like we didn't talk on the phone once in a while, or I didn't visit occasionally, or that facebook doesn't exist. But, I mainly made this topic and this account to talk about it, because I haven't talked about it to anyone. I got a surprising answer from Under.The.Radar, which I appreciate. Hopefully things turn out for the best for everyone.
carhill Posted December 19, 2013 Posted December 19, 2013 The sensible option is to move on I think, but I feel like she's the only person I can allow myself to truly be with for the long run. Out of the billions of women in the world, why do you feel this is 'the one', especially in light of her apparently feeling she found her 'one' in another man and is engaged to marry him? When you get to be my age, and trust me I had similar occurrences in my young life, you'll look back with a markedly different perspective. However, perhaps it's just something one has to go through. Good luck.
Author SilverZID Posted December 19, 2013 Author Posted December 19, 2013 Out of the billions of women in the world, why do you feel this is 'the one', especially in light of her apparently feeling she found her 'one' in another man and is engaged to marry him? When you get to be my age, and trust me I had similar occurrences in my young life, you'll look back with a markedly different perspective. However, perhaps it's just something one has to go through. Good luck. Why? Well, so far, like I said, the only people I've been attracted to have been like her. I also don't really care about people, most people flat out disinterest or repulse me, and that's before all the ****ty relationships I've seen through all my family in putting me off to the idea. There are other reason, but the biggest is because I feel it. It's a deep feeling that if I'm not with her, or at least near her, I won't be right. I missed her terribly when I was gone, but I was able to cope with it by making the promise to myself that I'd make it back here someday, where she was. I'm a little lost now, so I'm not sure what my goal should be. As far as if she's found her "the one", I don't know. If she has found it, then I'm not sure. But if she hasn't (if something doesn't work out with them), then I'm still not sure. All I know is what I feel, and that I'll take whichever route makes her the happiest.
carhill Posted December 19, 2013 Posted December 19, 2013 'In case you're unaware, I have, for a long time, felt you were the 'one' for me in life. Considering that, I think it's inappropriate to continue as a friend when I feel that way and you're engaged to be married'. Listen to her response and accept it as her truth. It will tell you everything you'll ever want to know about this particular young lady. Tip: Unfinished business can plague one in life. You've experienced a form of this due to the unrequited love for this young lady spilling over into the types of women you've been attracted to. That you're not with any of them is telling. You're in charge of you, completely. No one else can influence you without your desire and permission. That's really good information.
Author SilverZID Posted December 19, 2013 Author Posted December 19, 2013 'In case you're unaware, I have, for a long time, felt you were the 'one' for me in life. Considering that, I think it's inappropriate to continue as a friend when I feel that way and you're engaged to be married'. Listen to her response and accept it as her truth. It will tell you everything you'll ever want to know about this particular young lady. I would like to still be her friend regardless of what else is going on. I don't want to leave her if everything goes as planned and she gets married. But this sounds like something I should say, thanks. And you said the response would tell me what I need to know. What does that mean exactly? Tip: Unfinished business can plague one in life. You've experienced a form of this due to the unrequited love for this young lady spilling over into the types of women you've been attracted to. That you're not with any of them is telling. You're in charge of you, completely. No one else can influence you without your desire and permission. That's really good information. Like, generally good information, or information relevant to the situation at hand?
d0nnivain Posted December 19, 2013 Posted December 19, 2013 First, you're not in love. You barely even know the adult versions of each other. You were a child when you fell "in love" with her. You have both grown up. Your feelings aren't as real as you think; they are fantasy based in part on nostalgia. If her engagement ends though no input from you, fine, ask her out. Until then, lock her in a memory box in your heart as your childhood dream girl but move on.
Author SilverZID Posted December 19, 2013 Author Posted December 19, 2013 First, you're not in love. You barely even know the adult versions of each other. You were a child when you fell "in love" with her. You have both grown up. Your feelings aren't as real as you think; they are fantasy based in part on nostalgia. If her engagement ends though no input from you, fine, ask her out. Until then, lock her in a memory box in your heart as your childhood dream girl but move on. I know. During my time away I did research on a lot of what I was feeling. I know that the person I knew isn't the same person anymore. But I've been getting to know her again, and while she has definitely changed and matured, a lot of what I enjoyed about her is still there.
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