He wants to get back together but has slept around.

[Isadora]

Hey everyone,

 

My boyfriend and I broke up about 2 months ago, I wrote about it here:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/439944-coping-my-first-break-up#post5334567

 

We did NC and I was beginning to feel better in myself and about the breakup, I was almost back to my old self. Then a week ago I got a text from him asking me how things were. I was so angry that he had texted me when I was beginning to feel better, but I replied civilly and left it at that. The next day I got more texts, and a drunken text saying how I was all he could think about and he missed me. We started texting like normal and I started to admit to myself that I wanted him back. Then a few days a go he showed up at my door and asked me back. I was confused but happy. We sat down to talk about things and I had to ask him if he'd been with anyone since we'd broken up. He admitted he'd had a couple of one night stands and when I asked how many, I found out it was 4.

I was so shocked and upset and I couldn't breathe. I felt disgusted and had to get away from him (we were both each other's first partners and I never saw him doing anything like this). I told him that I felt disgusted and that that's not the person I was with for over 2 years. I felt like the person I had been with that whole time had been a lie. I realised that whilst I'd been crying myself to sleep every night, he'd been in the bed of other girls.

I asked him why and he said that he wasn't himself, he was heartbroken and people kept telling him that sleeping with other girls would help him to get over me. He got into a routine of going out each week, getting completely drunk on the drinks his friends had bought him and then getting girls shoved in his direction. He said that it made him feel like ****, so I told him that had it been a one time thing I'd understand. But the fact that it happened4 times, I can't quite comprehend. He keeps saying it was the worst month of his life, he didn't know who he was, and he was suffering from depression. He wasn't eating or sleeping and he kept thinking sex would make him feel better. (At this time we didn't think we would ever get back together). When he was talking to me about it he was so upset and shaking and I could see he had regretted what he'd done.

 

We've always spoken about how respect and morals are important to the both of us, and I said that by doing those things he didn't have any respect for women or himself, or even me. This upset him a lot and he insisted he did respect me and he did respect women but he had absolutely no respect left for himself anymore.

 

He insisted that he realised he wanted it to work, he wanted to start making sacrifices for me, and including me in his decisions because making compromises and long-distance was better than not being together. He told me I'm the only thing in his life that matters anymore, and that he didn't know what he'd do if I turned him away.

One thing he did know is that he'd never be the person he was for the month he slept around ever again. He felt disgusted with himself.

 

My head was telling me that he broke all our morals, but my heart still loves him.

I agreed to give it a go, but I told him it would be hard for me to forgive him. He said we could work together to both forgive the person he was that first month.

I don't know what to do, sometimes it doesn't feel like anything's changed between us, but then I remember the other girls and I feel disgusted and I don't feel special. I've told him it will take a while before I feel ok enough to do anyting sexual and he agreed that was ok.

Am I doing the right thing, I really do love him, but I don't know if I'll ever accept what he's done. Any advice would be so welcome!

Thanks for reading this.

[2fargone]

You being special or not should not depend on him. If you want it to depend on him, then I guess you were special enough to come back to.

 

 

It also shouldn't matter if he slept with one, four, or twenty girls. You were broken up, it doesn't concern you. Yet you tend to take it personal. That is something for you to figure out, but certainly not for him to take blame for.

 

 

In a way I can understand him and what happened. I wouldn't do it, but still.

 

 

Again I'll say, you either let it go or let him go. Your decision, and it shouldn't and can't be based on him.

 

 

The other thing... Trust has been broken. It's not a matter of both of you working on that. He and he alone needs to provide that.

[xUnknown]

You being special or not should not depend on him. If you want it to depend on him, then I guess you were special enough to come back to.

 

 

It also shouldn't matter if he slept with one, four, or twenty girls. You were broken up, it doesn't concern you. Yet you tend to take it personal. That is something for you to figure out, but certainly not for him to take blame for.

 

 

In a way I can understand him and what happened. I wouldn't do it, but still.

 

 

Again I'll say, you either let it go or let him go. Your decision, and it shouldn't and can't be based on him.

 

 

The other thing... Trust has been broken. It's not a matter of both of you working on that. He and he alone needs to provide that.

This isn't my thread but I'm pretty much going through the same thing (although my ex hasn't slept around). She too came back - showed up unannounced.

 

Its a matter of if you love them enough to work on things or not...Obviously it sucks to get your heart broken but if you love the person enough, you'll work on things. This is where I'm at...yeah, i love her, but am I willing to take the risk of getting hurt again. It all goes back to that forgiveness topic.

 

You have to forgive them, or else that thought will always be on your mind and affect the new relationship.

 

This comment wasn't only for OP, but also for me to get my thoughts out in my situation.

 

Thanks and good luck!

[organizedchaos]

The man realized his mistakes and has come back to you. Don't get hung up on what he did while you two were broken up and had no intention of getting back together again.

 

 

However, knowing what you know, demand he get an STD test before you get physical with him. Make sure he shows you the results.

[strive]

This is something you have to think long and hard about. Can you ever forgive him for what he did (although technically, he didn't do anything wrong) because your new RS will hinge on that. If you find that you're having a hard time getting past that, then this new RS won't last.

[mutualove]

Only you have the answer.If you can look past it then you can give it a chance.If not the image will haunt you forever.

 

Personally I can't do that because to me it only means how easy it is for them to forget and screw and that they didn't even love me as they moved on so quickly.

 

But that's only because I personally believe loyalty isn't just within a relationship and until I've completely moved on I can't engage in any kind of emotional relationship let alone physical.And that moving on doesn't happen in merely a few months if the love meter is high.So it's all up to you.

[soccerrprp]

Isadora,

 

I understand how you feel, but like others have said, if YOU want this, you need to learn to forgive him. You won't ever forget, but you have to learn to get past this if you want the relationship to progress.

 

As per his morals and claim that he respects women, well, that is categorically, by his actions untrue. He "demonstrated" that he's willing to sleep around. I also question his rationale and maturity to do something that his friends thought was a "good" idea to help him forget you. Nonsense.

 

DEFINITELY have him get a thorough STD test before you decide to have physical relations with him! NO STD TEST, no more sex! Make certain he has the doctors name, number, address, etc. DO NOT just take his word or a piece of paper missing the particulars of the test, of course and contact info.

 

As others have said, his quick response to the breakup, getting sex elsewhere so quickly also, directly frames an idea of what he really may have thought about you and/or his impetuous personality, wreckless.

 

So, you are, again, in a LTR? How will this time around change his mind about that? He broke up the first time b/c a LTR wasn't for him. How does that play into this now?

[carhill]

OP, what is in the past, including your past relationship, is in the past. This is a new interaction and I'd advise to process it in the now. Should he or you have had sexual partners in the past, OK, you/he did. That's the past. Handle the present as you would any new relationship opportunity. He doesn't get a shortcut to intimacy/trust/love/respect just because such existed in the past. Had it been healthy, you wouldn't have broken up.

 

Second, third and fifth the STD tests. That's part and parcel of any new sexual relationship, IMO, for both of you. Quid pro quo. Good luck.

[Mariposa10]

My only advice is: do not rush into anything. Take your time. If he's really interested in you, he'll give you the time you need.

[Isadora]

You being special or not should not depend on him. If you want it to depend on him, then I guess you were special enough to come back to.

 

 

It also shouldn't matter if he slept with one, four, or twenty girls. You were broken up, it doesn't concern you. Yet you tend to take it personal. That is something for you to figure out, but certainly not for him to take blame for.

 

 

In a way I can understand him and what happened. I wouldn't do it, but still.

 

 

Again I'll say, you either let it go or let him go. Your decision, and it shouldn't and can't be based on him.

 

 

The other thing... Trust has been broken. It's not a matter of both of you working on that. He and he alone needs to provide that.

 

Ah, it's not that I need him to feel special. It's more that I feel de-valued in a way, I didn't realise it would be so easy for him to just sleep around less than a week after we broke up.

 

I do take it personally, for me it doesn't make sense that you can break up and suddenly it becomes ok from that moment onwards to see other people. We didn't break up because we didn't love each other. So if you love someone so much how can it be so easy to sleep with other people? I'm just a bit confused...

 

 

 

Isadora,

 

I understand how you feel, but like others have said, if YOU want this, you need to learn to forgive him. You won't ever forget, but you have to learn to get past this if you want the relationship to progress.

 

As per his morals and claim that he respects women, well, that is categorically, by his actions untrue. He "demonstrated" that he's willing to sleep around. I also question his rationale and maturity to do something that his friends thought was a "good" idea to help him forget you. Nonsense.

 

DEFINITELY have him get a thorough STD test before you decide to have physical relations with him! NO STD TEST, no more sex! Make certain he has the doctors name, number, address, etc. DO NOT just take his word or a piece of paper missing the particulars of the test, of course and contact info.

 

As others have said, his quick response to the breakup, getting sex elsewhere so quickly also, directly frames an idea of what he really may have thought about you and/or his impetuous personality, wreckless.

 

So, you are, again, in a LTR? How will this time around change his mind about that? He broke up the first time b/c a LTR wasn't for him. How does that play into this now?

 

Ah, this is exactly how my mind feels at the moment..

But like I say, I really don't think he was himself those weeks at all. Even he admits he doesn't know who he was, and that he'd never slip back into that place again weather I took him back or not..

I'm going to give it a couple of weeks, take it slow. After that if I know I can't forgive him I'll have to call it off. It will break his heart a lot, but if there's no trust I'll have to do it

[mmmburrito]

Another call for the STD test. Demand is kind of a strong word for this instance, but I would make it clear that he needs to do that. Hell, take him, if you have to.

 

As for the big picture... take it slow. I'm in your boat, too, but like everyone's saying this should be treated as a new relationship. You have to protect yourself as it develops. And you're right--if you can't forgive him, you've got to go.

 

I think given enough time, you'll figure it out.

[Jmk21]

You could tell him you slept with other dudes. I really don't know. I really understand how you feel devalued about it, how someone you were with for so long can just go give them selves away.

 

In all reality. He didn't devalue you. He devalued himself and his preciption on intimacy and relationships. NOW you question if he's any value to you anymore your still valuable. Which is why he came back in the first place

 

I want to add. IF you 2 get back together. He's not just going to drop those friends that "pushed" (bull****) girls at him. You'll have to see them at some point. And possibly those girls as well

Edited December 24, 2013 by Jmk21

[2fargone]

Ah, it's not that I need him to feel special. It's more that I feel de-valued in a way, I didn't realise it would be so easy for him to just sleep around less than a week after we broke up.

 

I do take it personally, for me it doesn't make sense that you can break up and suddenly it becomes ok from that moment onwards to see other people. We didn't break up because we didn't love each other. So if you love someone so much how can it be so easy to sleep with other people? I'm just a bit confused...

 

 

 

 

For some people, sex and love can be seperated. I can do it under the right circumstances. My ex can do it too. Sex can be a basic need, an escape, a release... Many things. It really has nothing to do with you.

[Yasuandio]

The conquests were merely a temporary means to escape his emotional pain from losing you (conscious or subconscious). Kinda like getting drunk. Feels good while you're doing it, but you wanna puke the next day (or you feel extremely weird when you wake up beside a person you do not know after a night of intimacy with them).

 

Men can shake off meaningless sex very easily. Not true for women. Therefore - he wasn't experiencing the "sex" in the same way as you would. For him, the "sex" was not unlike a bowel movement with these young ladies he knew nothing about. He was just trying to forget about you, do something that "appears to be moving on," that's all - that is what guys do. Remember, he was HONEST enough to tell you about (he didn't have to tell you - most guys wouldn't!). Hope this helps you process the events you posted about. Yas

Edited December 24, 2013 by Yasuandio

[CantGetOverItGuy]

Isadora,

 

I feel for you. I'm experiencing quite literally the same situation that you are with my ex-girlfriend. We have been back together for a little over two months now and recently I have been having mixed feelings about her. Sometimes I love her and other times she absolutely disgusts me because I look at her and wonder what she did with "him". The feel you describe, of feeling "devalued", is what I'm currently battling.

 

If you can truly forgive your partner and put it in the past, then I encourage you to reenter a relationship with him. But before you get into anything very serious with him again, I URGE you to sit down and reflect on your feeling and whether or not you are prepared to deal with this for potentially the rest of your life.

 

You can find my thread right here, in which I ask for advice for the same type of situation you are experiencing. A lot of people gave me great advice and I think you should read the thread.