What does this mean?

[carmaletag]

I've been involving myself with the same guy for over a year now. I'm in my second year of university and I met him in the fall of my first year. I wasn't looking for a relationship and neither was he. IT was supposed to be one night stand, but a multitude of factors led to some unforseen circumstances. I'll try to keep it as short as humanly possible…

I met him and we hooked up, I wasn't the kind of girl to give my phone number afterwards if you know what I mean...

he was nice, and different, and before I knew it we were seeing each other unofficially. We'd go out together, and hang out together, and talk often. He had told me he wasn't ready to date and I agreed. But I saw myself catching feelings and falling fast, I pulled away and tried to focus on some douchebag guy who I would never consider being with in a million years. I told this guy I liked someone else, but that we could continue seeing each other on a non-commital and causal basis since that's what he wanted.

He acted unaffected but it was never the same.

We hooked up on and off but the sincerity and sweetness wasn't there anymore. He became cold and distant and eventually I couldn't bear it and I had to ask him why he had begun to act so strangely.

we ran into each other after a few days of not speaking and he chatted with a mutual friend (who I was accompanying) and ignored me completely, he didn't even look at me and I was crushed.

I texted him asking what was up and asked why he had been so harsh, He basically said he didn't handle things well and that he'd work on it. and then it was just a fricken mess. I told him that I obviously really liked him and it scared me because I didn't want him to hurt me because he said he didn't want anything serious, I told him I had tried to like someone new because I was afraid to fall for someone who had no intentions of taking our relations further, he told me that he knew I liked him and he liked me and that was the problem. I was dazed and very confused. He said he still didn't want a relationship so I should move on, but that his problem is that he also really liked me. I was left so god damn confused I didn't even know what to say or do. So naturally, I texted him, (within 24 hours of our last conversation) and I was like, "I don't understand what happened, you started treating me differently and I really like you and you said you really liked me and I don't understand whats going on anymore..." he replied with "I have no feelings for you and I'm sorry about that.” He then proceeded to tell me that he had never truly liked me and was only nice so I would sleep with him. THAT DOESN'T EVEN MAKE SENSE! I was sleeping with him! I just don't get it! and even if it was true, that's a really hurtful thing to say. But part of me thinks he's lying. There were times he would refuse to have sex with me because I had to get up early for a class and he didn't want me to be too tired, and there were times he just came to stay with me just because he wanted to.

We didn’t speak for a long while after that, but my best friend and his best friend had begun to date during our turbulent ‘friendship’, I’d see him all the time and it was awful. I went through a lot of hurt and anger and bitterness, and then one day we hooked up out of nowhere, the day before a long holiday, he was himself again, sweet and nice. I quickly forgot how hurtful he had been and was wooed once again. A day later we had to return to our prospective home towns and he texted me here and there, after Christmas (still on break) we made an agreement, we’d be friends with benefits. Nearly two hours after we made that agreement, a friend called me to break the news that upon his return home this guy had proclaimed his love to his ex and they had gotten back together…and had been together ever since…. I was angry as hell and if I could have flown to where he was I might have murdered him, but I was more angry with myself for getting pulled back in all over again after finally being ok. The day we got back from the holidays I was infuriated, but my friend had sworn me to secrecy and I couldn’t tell him what I knew. We all partied together, and we ended up hooking up. I felt guilty and used and left in the middle of the night. I got a text asking me what was wrong and why I had left, but I assured him it was nothing and to leave it alone. That day he got a tattoo of his girlfriends name on his back, BROKE UP WITH HER (yes the owner of that name) nearly 6 hours after getting it, and hooked up with another girl. I felt stupid, and I was broken and devastated. I didn’t know what to do with myself, so I distanced myself as far away as possible and didn’t speak to him unless it was absolutely necessary. I still saw him, and he still hung around me and my friends (who had become ‘our’) friends. Months went on and on and I finally forgave myself and him, we had gone from not speaking to being civil to each other, to rekindling our platonic friendship. I was finally in a place (nearly 10 months since we had met) where I thought of him as a friend and had become more comfortable with the thought of him as only a friend. Deep down I still had feelings, but I buried them and tried my best to ignore them altogether. The school year had finished and we were all moving off of residence into new homes, my two roommates had been dating two guys (one of which was his best friend) and the other had become close friends with them as well. As fate would have it, we rented house adjacent to each other on the same street. I was worried for my mental well being but tried to make the best of the situation. A few days before the year ended my friend (who was in a relationship with his roommate ) and I slept over at his house because we hadn’t been given keys to our own yet. In the two weeks prior to this he had been acting kind of odd, I brushed it off as me reading to deeply into things, but the night I slept over I couldn’t ignore it. He was coming on to me, and I was letting it happen. I finally got a hold of myself and told him I wasn’t going to put myself through all that again and that it wasn’t fair for him to do this to me. He backed off and we both went to bed. The next day was his last day in the country before returning home for the 4 months of the summer, we were all having a small get together (maybe 6 of us) and we drank a ton. We were being obviously flirtatious with one another, and I was just as guilty as he was. When no one was looking, he pulled me into his room and kissed me, he asked if I wanted to hookup and I didn’t hesitate for even a second. The next morning he helped me move my stuff in and we said our goodbyes (which were standoff-ish and awkward)

Four moths went by without much communication. I found myself helplessly smitten with him and I had no idea how I could still harbour feelings for such an *******. But part of me knew he had a sweeter softer kinder side. I cried a lot, and I felt so so so stupid. I missed him more than anything and he was a 13 hour plane ride away from me. It was the longest four months of my life.

The summer came to an end, but I was returning a few days late. I was work one day and my phone rang, it was my friend calling to say her boyfriend and this guy had returned home. I was overjoyed, there was silence on the other end and then I heard his voice. Tears came to my eyes and I felt like a pathetic fool. But I was a happy fool. He told me he was excited to see me, and to come home soon. I couldn’t sleep the whole night before I drove back, and I felt like a little girl with a crush, I had butterflies in my stomach and I blushed for hours at the thought of him finally being home. When I got back, he walked in the door and my heart nearly fell out of my chest, I struggled to find words…but I didn’t have to, all he said was ‘hey’ and that was it. I felt a tinge of anger, but didn’t let it show. That night we all a a ew drinks to catch up on the events of the summer. I found out he had gotten back together with his girlfriend again, an broken up with her ….. again…..he spent the night hitting on my friends sister who had driven up with us to see the city, and I was livid.

Weeks went by, and it was more than awkward between us, we barely exchange words and if we did it was brief and cold. I didn’t understand why he would be this way, I hadn’t done anything. We would go out together with other friends and he would intentionally check girls out in front of me, he would look at my face to gauge my reaction. He was hurting me on purpose and I didn’t know why. I tried to keep my distance because I knew the situation was going to suck the life out of me. And I wanted no part in it. I threw myself into my work and focused on keeping myself busy and trying not to cry.

One night he made an awful remark about me for no reason, I got up and left the room, I didn’t speak to him for days. I had resolved to clear my life of this awful guy and start fresh, but I couldn’t get him out of my head. Three weeks into the semester we went to a party, we dance and had a great time. He held my doors and gave me his jacket and said all the right things. We ended up alone together, and before I knew it we were in my room and things escalated quickly. Before we did anything I stopped kissing him to ask him why he kept pulling me back right when I decided to turn away. He said (ofcourse -.-) that he never meant to hurt me and even though he didn’t want to be in a relationship with anyone right now, he was truly sorry, and he didn’t do things to hurt me intentionally. I knew it was all lies, but I let myself be lied to because all I wanted in the moment was him.

He left shortly after and that’s when I knew I had made a horrible mistake. I spent the next few days consulting with a friend, eating a lot of potato chips and watching horribly uninspiring chick flicks, I cried, and I was mad at myself, but also at him for not caring about me and being so selfish. Deep down I knew it was mostly my own fault and that he was no good for me. But I was hooked.

Week s wore on and he was awkward at first, but we didn’t make a big deal out of it. I decided to let it all go, for the sake of civility and sanity. We were in the same very close knit group of friends and we were neighbours, and aside from our history he was indeed a good friend and person. He began to see another girl, she was literally insane, and I was beyond infuriation. He walked her into the house and introduced her to me, I nearly threw up. I felt spited and I left immediately, making some very regrettable decisions over the next few weeks. They continued to see each other and he proclaimed he was thinking of making it official. Part of e wanted to scream that A. She was ****ing nuts and B. That if he just didn’t want to be in a relationship with ME in particular, he should have bloody well told me so a year ago. But I held my tongue, and walked away, because what good would it have done. I tried to stay away from him and everything else, he stopped seeing the girl nearly two and a half weeks after meeting her, and I began to get comfortable with our acquaintanceship slowly but surely. I felt scorned, but I hid it well. He would look at other girls, and act strangely with our girl friends and he would intentionally ignore me or be crass.

He finally settled down and began to treat me with kindness and I too put down my walls and stopped distancing myself and being cold towards him. He and I became once again close friends. Very close, I didn’t realize it until I was already quite deep into the situation, but it’s gotten quite bad.

Over the past few weeks, he and I have spent a ton of time together, I sleep at his house, in his bed, wearing his shirts, and we cook together, or clean together, and eat together, we practically live together, we bought his new pet together and care for it together, we study together, and if he’s not at work or in class we’re together. He invited me to watch the titanic with I one night, and it was very cold he cuddled me and we slept like that. We’ve been living together for nearly three weeks (even though I live across the street and it would be very easy for me to sleep, eat, study, and shower at home) I didn’t think it was weird until my best friend pulled me side and asked if we were dating, I told her of course not, we’re just very good friends. But when she pointed all the signs out to me I was shocked…on paper we’re dating, just not having sex, it’s the strangest thing. Our whole relationship involved hooking up and not being in a relationship and now we’re acting as if we’re in a relationship without labelling it or having sex. What the hell is going on??? We sleep together, he cuddles me, he lays on my lap while trying to teach me how to play these awful video games that I don’t mind learning because I love his company. He teases me and hugs me and asks me to go with him wherever he’s going, he has my uncle on facebook…he says the sweetest things sometimes. And now he’s spending three days at my family home for the holidays….but we’re not dating, and haven’t even spoken about what exactly is happening.

 

I still of course have very real feelings for him…but I also have very painful memories of how he’s treated me in the past. I don’t know what’s going on!!!

Are we just friends?

Is he just trying to sleep with me again? ( I don’t think so, he hasn’t tried anything other than cuddles)

I’m scared that he’s going to turn around and go back to the way things used to be between us (distant and spiteful ) and I’ll be worse off in the end. Or what if he goes off and gets into a relationship, I’ll never be alright with that. I’ll be devastated.

I need a mind reader to tell me what all of this means, why is he acting this way, should I turn and walk away, or run as fast and as far from the situation as I can before I get hurt? I don’t want to make the same mistake twice. I don’t want to push him away because I’m scared to get hurt and then realize I made the wrong decision and pay or it for another year…

What should I do? Please oh please help me, I’ve never been more confused in my entire life.

Questions on the most basic level:

-Why is he acting this way all of a sudden?

-What could his intentions be?

-If they are genuine, what should I do?

-If he’s just trying to sleep with me what should I do?

-If you don’t think he likes me, but he isn’t trying to sleep with me what is up with this weird dynamic?

-Is he just being friendly?

-If you think he may like me in a romantic way what should I do, how should I respond?

-Is there anything I can ask him to help me clarify the situation?

 

I’m sorry for this very very very long plea, but I’m in desperate need of advice. I’d be eternally grateful if you could help me out.

Thank you a thousand times over for your time, patience and advice in advance.

Sincerely

CG

[Toddbt12y1]

Not to be rude: but I do not think I need to read the whole thing( I was, but...), I quickly noticed that this guy is using the same pattern; this is all the same pattern. If you re-read your heart-spilt in letters, you'd probably see this pattern too. But, I know caring for someone can make foolish even the wisest of us.

 

Here is the pattern I noticed: He talks sweet to you, gets some; after a while, is bored. This stops. He later acts nice, and is happy to text you as friends with benefits. In other words, he is only nice to get sex. He only woos you for sex. He probably does his ex like this(or....he does like her, and uses you as a side piece...or...he is with her and using you as a side people *with people, I would not count anything out).

 

He wasn't lying. He really doesn't have feelings for you, and this is all sex to him. That is what this kinda guy is....His type. He's a jackass for sure; but...it is expected(should be) with a one night stand.

 

His reasons are selfish. He will only continue to be sweet too you, at varying times of his need for to use you for sex. He burned you a lot! Do you need to be burnt anymore? Better that you forget, and ignore this jackass, and find someone better, when you are emotionally available.

 

Why would he do this? I will ask you a question: Why would anyone do anything? He did it, cause he wanted to do it. He wanted to get his rocks off. You were willing, and easily manipulated by his kindness(just a falss face), and he knew this. For sex.

 

He's trouble. I am sorry I did not read the whole thing(just I noticed his pattern early on, and could thus give you my opinion on this matter). I know other posters should be able to do the same or go on this response.

 

I really hope you block him from your world. This will never be good.