8 years together, should I leave him?

[Willowsox]

Hi, I'm struggling to make a huge decision.

I've been with my boyfriend for 8 years now, we have been living together for 5 of those and have two lovely dogs.

I have recently been feeling lost in the relationship, it's not the first time I've felt like this. The first time was 3 years ago when I started university and now I've graduated and am working.

This feeling seems to be growing and I'm not sure what to do, I've tried talking to him about it but he doesn't take me seriously and jokes about it or we get into an argument.

I feel like I'm giving my all to the relationship and it's draining me.

I work full time and seem to be the full time house wife too, cook,clean, do the washing and walk the dogs morning and night. Now and again he will help but it's on a rare occasion. I moan about this all the time but it's getting to me now. I'm 26 and feel like when most of my friends are out enjoying themselves I'm inside cleaning and playing housewife.

I go out occasionally and really enjoy myself when out but when I get in he puts me down in some way or another.

I don't think he really understands how I feel.

The thing is, we rarely talk, have sex or go out together. I've tried to make it work in the past but it seems this feeling won't go away. He puts me down with my work which really gets to me, I think it's because deep down he hates the fact I now earn a hell of a lot more than he does now I've graduated. It's like he can't control me because I have my own money to do my own thing.

I'm scared of being on my own,

I'm scared of breaking up with him and his family

I'm scared of possible loosing the dogs whom are my life.

I'm also scared of hurting him and if I leave he would have nothing and I'd feel so guilty....

He is all I have known for 8 years, I wouldn't even know how to start over.

Am I stupid in thinking things like this? I'm stuck please help, any advice would be much appreciated.

[glimpse]

Before you do make your decision, you should talk about it with him. But it sounds like he takes you for granted. You shouldn't feel 'stuck' in a relationship. If you feel that way, is it worth to be like that the rest of your life? It you break it off, it'll hurt.. a lot. The things you got used to goes away and it'll never be the same. You're in your twenty's... you should be happy reaping the rewards for all your hard work instead of being put down. Do you see your relationship with him improving?

[RDawg]

Doesn't sound like your man is good for you at all.

 

Before breaking up with him consider giving it one last chance. Tell him EVERYTHING you have written in your post above, tell him exactly what is making you unhappy and that you are at the point of calling it quits. If he doesn't listen to you and doesn't change his attitude immediately and start putting in the effort then dump him.

 

I believe after so long together he deserves to know what you are thinking and a last chance to save things.

 

Too many of us on here have been dumped with no warning or verbal communication.

[Arieswoman]

Hello Willowsox,

I really feel for you because that sounds just like my first marriage, I could have written that myself many years ago.

 

I agree with what others have said. You MUST tell him everything you feel. Tell him he must shape up or you will ship out.

 

Give him a deadline in your own mind for some improvement. If he can't or won't start pulling his load then you must break up. If you do nothing and stay you will become depressed and resentful and will have no energy left for yourself. You will become so emotionally and psychologically drained that you could become ill.

If you break up it will be difficult, and it WILL hurt, but eventually you will regain your energy, your self-worth and be free to meet a man who will really care for you. You owe it to yourself to be in a good relationship.

 

Good luck.

[Willowsox]

I will try to talk to him about how I feel. He must be able to sense something is wrong as I have been a bit distant and cold with him.

It's christmas and I don't think it would be fair to speak to him now as we have a lot planned with family and I can't put him through that if at the back of his mind we might break up.

I don't think I can give him another chance, I did this 3 years ago and nothing's changed and it's 3years on. I'm scared of giving him a chance and in 3 years I will feel the same.

Thank you for your advice, it's nice to have some, sometimes my girlfriends arnt that useful as they think it's dead easy breaking up with someone.

[hestheone66]

Dont waste energy on him. A clean break is best. Your life has to be more than your dogs and an abusive unhelpful 'partner'. Find a place to rent on your own and move out slowly if you can. Sounds like u have been with him from a very young age and its time to get to know who you are and establish a sense of self apart from him. Yes wait till after christmas but please dont pretend to be emotionally invested just courteous will do. If you have joint account, open a new one. Its good you have gfs to support you through this. Dont feel guilty AT ALL. You are not compatible because he is an ******* and has diminished you in an atte mpt to keep you. Wouldnt you rather be cherished and be with someone who makes your happiness his priority.

I know its scary. Ive been there and admit my main regret was that i didnt leave years earlier. I was with a abuser for 12 years. Was sole breadwinner and did all housework and he would constantly put me down.. Except in front of guests.as soon as i left his sorry ass i felt immediate calm and relief.

Yesi had occasionally expressed to him tgat he should be more supportive (3 children) and in the end i realised that when he told me he loved me it was a lie because love doesnt make you feel bad. I realised he didnt deserve me and walked away head held high. He went from living comfotably in 5 bedroom house to a 1bedroom apartment. Then i realised that all i had been was a paycheck. He abused my self esteem in order just to use me financially. Even a few weeks before i left him he tried on the charm and saidrewe should have more children..and wanted to marry me. At the time i thought he was

[hestheone66]

Thought he was trying to be better.. Looking back i see it as desperate manipulation tactic. He frequently told me i was an awful mother so i told him it made no sense for him to want more children with me

[alazlam]

It sounds like you've been trying... In the current relationship I'm in, I got the same reactions, too...they weren't taken seriously, or he got mad, said my feelings needed to be corrected. You have to decide if enough is enough.

 

I'm 26, too, and I've been on the dumpee on an 8 year relationship. I took it hard, BUT I was okay after about a year. I'm completely over it now, and have a new life a few years later. I know it's scary. That 8 year relationship for me was all I knew (first love, you know...), and honestly I didn't really eat for three weeks, but in the end, I was okay. It will suck pretty hard the first like...month or two, and then every day after that gets a little better. Not easy, but better...it'll hurt a little less. (I mean there will be off days, too, where you'll feel like utter crap, but they become less and less frequent as time goes on).

 

I'll also say...be sure of your decision. Like, you have to be committed to this decision, know it's the right thing for you (no coulda shoulda woulda). If you want to give it another conversation, that might be a good idea.

 

Either way, you will have to force yourself onward. To feel better, you have to decide and make the choice to feel better. It's not easy, and I know it's scary, but it will be okay.

[Raena]

There must be something about that magical age of 26/27 where a woman just starts questioning everything about the relationship they have been in since they graduated high school.

 

Oh wait... it's called G.I.G.S.... go read up on it on the sticky notes. (Grass is Greener Syndrome)

 

I'm not knocking you... I could have easily written this same exact post when I was 26 as well. I too, at that age, had been with a man for 8 years, we were married and it just didn't seem right. I left him and never looked back. It was the right thing for me to do at the time. If it's the right thing for you to do, you will know. You won't question it, you'll just know. No matter what happens after that, if you walk away knowing that there just wasn't any way to fix the problems then you'll know you made the right choice.

[ponchsox]

8 years is way past the crossroads decision if the person is a life partner. If not, you are wasting precious time you could meeting someone else. You seriously need to consider your future and make a decision that while difficult, will be in your best interest moving forward.

[jennysuzie]

willowsox

 

When I first read your post I too agreed with other posters and thought you should tell him exactly what you are thinking and give him one last chance to prove he can make you happy.

 

Then I read that you did that 3 years ago and don't want to give him another chance. I also re-read your first post and realised that no where in it did you say 'I still love him' 'I still want to make it work' etc etc.

 

I have to say, looking at the evidence, that in your heart of hearts, you have already made your mind up, you just haven't realised it yet.

 

Of course you still care for him deeply, that's why you don't want to hurt him, if you didn't feel like this you would be a bit of a b**ch!! I have been in a similar situation a few years ago, and of course I felt terrible for hurting him, but I couldn't go on making myself miserable to make someone else happy. I would put money on the fact that you feel like this too.

 

If I were you I would wait another month until after xmas, but during this time, do a lot of soul searching, talk to people whose opinions matter to you, take some time on your own to think. Think practically too, how will this work if we break up next month? Will I move out? Where will I go? This might help put your mind at ease, knowing you have a plan or an idea of how it will work when you make your move.

 

You might find you will have a crunch moment over the xmas break, when all your thoughts just crystallize. How would you feel if you woke up in 10 years time in the same situation? If that thought fills you with horror, then now is the time to do something about it.

[notthathard]

I really think a break up would give you two both the space and time to think. Not only for yourself to have that independence for a bit and to see what that feels like, but also to give him a good shock at life without you.

It all your choice and for sure the choice you make will be the right one, we can only give you advice.

 

Those scared feelings might even disappear after you have broken and it might have felt like it was the right choice.. who knows.

 

It's not mature when a guy just laughs at a girls feelings (especially at 26), its wrong. Putting you down is also very immature. In 2013 a man should be pulling his weight, not helping out and living together is not right, this is coming from a guy. Even if he just helps out a little a day, its something.

[Simplysimon]

When people leave LTR they have already made their mind up regards the reasons why they are leaving and it's just a case of having the courage to do it.

The dumped partner then suffers because they sub-consciously never thought it would happen. They get extremely hurt and offer change then beg etc. the dumpee has already done their grieving in the relationship so it's easier and a relief. They move on. The partner can't understand why they move on so quickly. It's because the separation started along time ago in reality and there over it.

You have a serious case of being took for granted. Your man has gone into married mode. The routines are set . You do most domestic duties because it's been like that for so long. It's the way it is. The sex can be turned around by exploring new things.

Don't walk away thinking the next man is going to be massively different because long term they won't be. You see 97% of men don't know jack **** about women and their needs. So, Don't wash his clothes, let him cook, tell him your not his slave it's easily sorted that part.

The thing is do you love him? If you do give it another shot. You can't change him but you can change yourself which in turn he will notice and react. Go out more, be more distant and aloof.

I don't agree with living together without no commitment as it serves no purpose other than financial. You have no bolt hole. No where to be alone and make them wonder. Only live with a partner if you engaged or married.

Loves an eternal game and a man should never stop dating his partner even when married. Make him miss you, make him stress over you. Dress up go out turn your phone off. It works miracles.

[Willowsox]

Thank you for your all your advice. It's all very helpful.

I care a lot for him but yes you are right I'm not in love with him anymore.

I have made pans to leave him after christmas.

I honestly feel so tired of the relationship, spending any time alone with him fills me with guilt and fear.

He hasn't changed much in the 8 years and I've changed a lot. It's not a grass is greener situation as I couldn't even imagine being with someone else, that's not why I want to leave and if I wanted to be with someone else I would have left years ago.

I've tried the 'don't wash his clothes,cook his food' situation several times, it never works.

I've also been going out a lot recently and he always manages to put me down each time, never compliments me in how I look. He does however text me all night and gets really mad if I don't reply.

I realise he takes me for granted.

I am dreading the time when I have to tell him,I wish I could tell him now but that would spoil christmas for his family and mine and I hate being the centre of attention, which is what would happen if I broke up with him now.

I actually think I've been a but depressed the past few month and my Heath has suffered, not to mention pulling every overtime shift there is at work just to spend as little time with him as possible....

I wish he could change, I wish he would treat me better. But he won't and that's something I've come to realise. It's annoying that it's taken 8 years for me to get to this point, but I've learnt a lot about myself and when I leave I'm not looking back. It's his loss at the end of the day, I'm doing both if us a favour, thank god there's no mortgage or children involved. Just my two little dogs.

[deathandtaxes]

telling him how you feel three years ago isn't really relevant to your situation right now. Have you offered to go to counseling with him? Eight years is a long time to be together to just break it like that. And if you can't communicate with him about any of this, if you're not willing to work on it, then what makes you think you will be any different with any relationship in the future? It's not that you really owe it to him, but you do owe it to yourself to try.

 

 

Feeling lost is ok. Falling out of love is ok. People fall in and out of love in long relationships all the time. A sign of maturity is knowing how to handle both being in and out of love with your partner.

 

 

All that being said, at 26, that means you have been with him since you were 18. That's awfully young to enter into a serious adult relationship. Were you even on your own at 18? Of course you have changed. You went from a KID just starting college to now being an adult.

 

 

Regardless, if you do leave you will survive. It will hurt. It will suck. But you know what? That's part of life. It takes those low points to make the high points worth it.