Going to his house on first date

[CrystalCastles]

This does concern my situation, but I am not going to give out any specific details. I went on a date with a guy, and after we spent 3 hours talking over coffee, he invited me over to his place. I gave him the benefit of the doubt and agreed, and we watched a movie at his place. He then wanted to cuddle, so we did. I straight up said, I'm not ready for sex. He said he likes me a lot and wouldn't want to make me uncomfortable or freaked out so he was ready to take things slow. Then he kissed me, which I was annoyed about.

 

And then he basically pushed me to go upstairs to his room so we could watch a video on his comp. Which happened on his bed. After the vid, he lies there and looks at me and says "aren't you going to enjoy me?". I was super annoyed at that point. We then made out again, and I said that I'm not ready for sex so no heavy petting/sex occurred. From our convos, I did end up liking the guy, but I feel like he wanted to use me for sex. Especially since I explicitly told him he's my first, and that we need to take things slow because a lot of this is a new experience and I might get overwhelmed and end up running away. He doesn't have that much experience with women either.

 

He was nervous that evening and also seemed very gushy about how much he liked me, etc.

 

Can someone confirm?

[FineFreshFierce]

Well, what was his behavior like in the days following the first date? How does he act in his correspondence with you?

[CrystalCastles]

He doesn't text much between dates. Almost not at all.

 

Second date was also at his place. We didn't do anything else besides hang at his place. I had only a couple hours with him, and it ended with a very intense makeout sesh on the couch, with him grabbing my ass and I think he was grinding his penis against my leg but I couldn't be sure.

 

Every time I think about dating, I would think that a guy who likes me so much, supposedly, would take me to dinners or go out and do fun things like walks in the park or rock climbing or coffee dates. We had good chemistry on the first date. Before anyone attacks me, no I'm not a gold-digger. I don't need much to be happy. I liked this guy from the get-go. I want him to romance me a bit more. I want to spend time doing things with him outside of his house. I feel at a disadvantage when I'm there.

 

We're practically strangers still. I don't think this hanging at his house is ok. Mostly because I think I can get carried away in the moment and have sex with him and regret it. I don't want to put myself in that position.

 

I want to talk to him about it. But I'm worried that I'll come off as controlling. He stressed communication if something is bothering me, but I want to be sure this is actually a problem because I don't want to make a big stink over nothing.

[MrCastle]

Man I love ass grabbing.

 

Uhh, anyway

 

It's pretty clear what he wants. That's not to say he doesn't like you as a person, but "dates" are only arranged at peoples' houses when the intention is sex. The idea is to give the girl an excuse for coming over. Movie, dinner, whatever, so that she has the benefit of saying "one thing lead to another, and…" as opposed to "yeah I went to his house to screw."

 

Anyway, if it's an issue, tell him what you told us here. That you'd like to go out more and be taken on real dates and not always have to go to his house.

[Omei]

You might not have to have a talk about it yet the next few dates say you really dont feel like staying in and suggest places to go see what he says about that.

[regine_phalange]

Hmmm...

 

I agree, dont go to a man's house for a date if you are not ready for sex. He may say that nothing will happen, but maybe he is saying that in order not to make you feel as a "starved" woman. In the beginning one should be careful not to set a lazy pattern in the relationship/interaction. Id say, if he doesnt offer to take you out, even at the park, be busy and say you will go to X movie in Saturday, he can join if he wants. Something like that.

[CrystalCastles]

Well we've already talked a bit about the sex stuff. And I made it clear that that wasn't going to happen for a while because I'm a virgin and I don't want to get through all the bases in one night. I think there's nothing wrong with not wanting to be someone's whore. I do have a high sex drive and I did get carried away with using a lot of tongue when we kissed, but at this point, I have to put my foot down before I do something really stupid.

 

Ps. Mr Castle. Just for you I'll mention that I hardly blame him. My ass is pretty nice.

 

Anyways, I will tell him. I'm not afraid of scaring him off because I want a serious relationship with a serious man, not just with a man who says he's serious but does the opposite. I suppose I'm just really annoyed that I made it clear I don't want to have sex, yet he pushed me towards going up to his room (I mean, fck, seriously? What the hell was I just saying a minute ago! Arg!). I just don't have any prior experience to base this on, so I don't know if this sort of thing is accepted or not, but it just feels like "sex, sex, sex" to me and nothing else. I'm also not buying all the romantic words he's said like "I really like you. I was so worried you were taken. I'm surprised you agreed to meet with me. I don't want to make you uncomfortable" blah blah blah. Sounds like a ploy to get into my pants.

[PinkInTheLimo]

It's time for you to not only talk the talk but also walk the walk. You indicate boundaries. He totally ignores them. The only right thing to do here is stand up and immediately leave his house.

 

Why are you even keeping contact with this guy? He just wants to have sex, that's very clear.

 

Stop all contact with this sleezeball.

[ascendotum]

We're practically strangers still. I don't think this hanging at his house is ok. Mostly because I think I can get carried away in the moment and have sex with him and regret it. I don't want to put myself in that position.

 

I want to talk to him about it. But I'm worried that I'll come off as controlling. He stressed communication if something is bothering me, but I want to be sure this is actually a problem because I don't want to make a big stink over nothing.

 

Dating should meet both parties expectations. We kind of know what his expectations are. "hey lets go back to my place and watch a video but its on my PC so we'll have to watch it from my bed, and its a little chilly so lets get under the covers" . That doesn't mean that's all he wants but he not really going to too much effort to convince you otherwise that you're more than someone to just hang out with, and get a regular root from. You can express what you want, but try do so in a manner that does not come off controlling. Next time he plans a get together and he suggests his place again, you could play it with a bit of a sassy attitude: say been there done that already, I can watch dvds at home...what else can you come up with for us, that's a little more intriguing or enterprising. Or go into sweet girly batting eye lashes mode and say how you would rather go out somewhere to enjoy doing something together that neither of you normally do. Even make a suggestion, ice skating or whatever gets you going. Its odds on that he's going to suggest coming back to his place afterwards if it doesn't finish late. Do you have a timeline for when you plan to have sex? Maybe give him an idea as to when that might be, and in the meantime avoid any lets just go and watch a movie from my bed situations.

[CrystalCastles]

Hmmm...

 

I agree, dont go to a man's house for a date if you are not ready for sex. He may say that nothing will happen, but maybe he is saying that in order not to make you feel as a "starved" woman. In the beginning one should be careful not to set a lazy pattern in the relationship/interaction. Id say, if he doesnt offer to take you out, even at the park, be busy and say you will go to X movie in Saturday, he can join if he wants. Something like that.

 

Ok whew. Guys like to make a stink about how women are gold-diggers (though I've heard enough cases that I can hardly blame them) so I don't want to give off that impression. I don't want to sound like I'm using him, but is it really so wrong of me to want to be romanced? It doesn't even have to be expensive! He could just cook something and ask me to cook something and we can meet up at a park and have a picnic or something. Or go to the Christmas market downtown. Or take a walk somewhere. I'm not an expensive or demanding girl at all.

 

I feel like besides making out, we're not really doing anything. This is not ok to me. Now that I'm writing all this down, I'm realizing that this makes me a lot more angry than I thought. It's also not the first time someone tried pulling that trick, but the first time they got this far.

 

I remember asking him, why'd you come over to talk to me? (when we were at the gym). And he says "because you were hot". Haha, brilliant.

[CrystalCastles]

Dating should meet both parties expectations. We kind of know what his expectations are. "hey lets go back to my place and watch a video but its on my PC so we'll have to watch it from my bed, and its a little chilly so lets get under the covers" . That doesn't mean that's all he wants but he not really going to too much effort to convince you otherwise that you're more than someone to just hang out with, and get a regular root from. You can express what you want, but try do so in a manner that does not come off controlling. Next time he plans a get together and he suggests his place again, you could play it with a bit of a sassy attitude: say been there done that already, I can watch dvds at home...what else can you come up with for us, that's a little more intriguing or enterprising. Or go into sweet girly batting eye lashes mode and say how you would rather go out somewhere to enjoy doing something together that neither of you normally do. Even make a suggestion, ice skating or whatever gets you going. Its odds on that he's going to suggest coming back to his place afterwards if it doesn't finish late. Do you have a timeline for when you plan to have sex? Maybe give him an idea as to when that might be, and in the meantime avoid any lets just go and watch a movie from my bed situations.

 

Or maybe I should just disappear. I'm so turned off at this point that any interaction with that dirty POS just makes me want to puke.

 

However, your advice is fair. I'll think about doing it. I'm still pissed, mostly at myself for being so weak and not kicking him to the curb when this all began, but I think your point is very valid.

[MrCastle]

 

Ps. Mr Castle. Just for you I'll mention that I hardly blame him. My ass is pretty nice.

 

Ass is good stuff. I don't think anyone blamed him for that.

[ascendotum]

Or maybe I should just disappear. I'm so turned off at this point that any interaction with that dirty POS just makes me want to puke.

 

However, your advice is fair. I'll think about doing it. I'm still pissed, mostly at myself for being so weak and not kicking him to the curb when this all began, but I think your point is very valid.

 

I got to admit I found it a little amusing reading your reply. This guy picked you up at the gym and said you were hot, so I am guessing you are a bit of a looker and should not be short of options. Given that I find it funny that you go from "that dirty POS just makes me want to puke" to "I'll think about doing it." If a guy is already making you then its time to find another guy from the many who will be rapt to have you as his gf (he'll still want to have sex tho). You have not even got to relationship stage where you feel invested in trying to make it work. If you really feel then walk.

[regine_phalange]

Ok whew. Guys like to make a stink about how women are gold-diggers (though I've heard enough cases that I can hardly blame them) so I don't want to give off that impression. I don't want to sound like I'm using him, but is it really so wrong of me to want to be romanced? It doesn't even have to be expensive! He could just cook something and ask me to cook something and we can meet up at a park and have a picnic or something. Or go to the Christmas market downtown. Or take a walk somewhere. I'm not an expensive or demanding girl at all.

 

I feel like besides making out, we're not really doing anything. This is not ok to me. Now that I'm writing all this down, I'm realizing that this makes me a lot more angry than I thought. It's also not the first time someone tried pulling that trick, but the first time they got this far.

 

I remember asking him, why'd you come over to talk to me? (when we were at the gym). And he says "because you were hot". Haha, brilliant.

 

Its totally valid wanting to be romanced! I agree, it doesnt have to be expensive. Just outside and fun! Maybe he is not for you...

[CrystalCastles]

I got to admit I found it a little amusing reading your reply. This guy picked you up at the gym and said you were hot, so I am guessing you are a bit of a looker and should not be short of options. Given that I find it funny that you go from "that dirty POS just makes me want to puke" to "I'll think about doing it." If a guy is already making you then its time to find another guy from the many who will be rapt to have you as his gf (he'll still want to have sex tho). You have not even got to relationship stage where you feel invested in trying to make it work. If you really feel then walk.

 

Haha I'm sorry I just cycle through emotions when I'm mad because I think about the good and the bad all at once. I do get a lot of attention and I'm not short on options whatsoever (that statement isn't intended to sound arrogant, just a fact). So I don't consider this a catastrophic loss or something.

 

Just to point out, I have nothing against sex. I would love love love to have sex! I'm tired of masturbating and fantasizing about having sex. But I want to have sex with a man who means something special to me. A man who loves me for who I am, and not because I happen to have a vagina. I don't think there's anything wrong in not wanting to be used. At this point, I feel there's a danger I might get used. I have no problem whatsoever in giving up my v card to the right man, but I want to make sure he's not just around to get some, and then disappear. I don't think I'm in the wrong because I'm looking out for myself, since I don't think he's looking out for me.

[regine_phalange]

Haha I'm sorry I just cycle through emotions when I'm mad because I think about the good and the bad all at once. I do get a lot of attention and I'm not short on options whatsoever (that statement isn't intended to sound arrogant, just a fact). So I don't consider this a catastrophic loss or something.

 

Just to point out, I have nothing against sex. I would love love love to have sex! I'm tired of masturbating and fantasizing about having sex. But I want to have sex with a man who means something special to me. A man who loves me for who I am, and not because I happen to have a vagina. I don't think there's anything wrong in not wanting to be used. At this point, I feel there's a danger I might get used. I have no problem whatsoever in giving up my v card to the right man, but I want to make sure he's not just around to get some, and then disappear. I don't think I'm in the wrong because I'm looking out for myself, since I don't think he's looking out for me.

 

Keep having this attitude, you are young but very wise already!

[Untouchable_Fire]

He doesn't text much between dates. Almost not at all.

 

Here is your answer. He may fall in love with you... but for the moment he knows if he keeps getting you into the situation eventually you are going to wear down.

 

Ugh... Stuff like this makes me feel too old and experienced. At some point these kinds of actions start being completely transparent.

[acrosstheuniverse]

Yeah screw that... I met a guy on plenty of fish recently, we went for coffee, he tried to put his arm around me on a bench, and I felt it was a bit rushed (only met him an hour earlier and I'm not into PDAs with people who aren't a partner, especially in my hometown where people might recognise me) and kinda batted him off. He seemed cool though and asked if I wanted to hang out again and I said yeah sure, we made noises about going out for dinner.

 

We keep in touch via text, he never asks me out. But mentions having a night in at mine to watch some world cinema films. I said I'd rather go out with someone I don't know too well.

 

Nothing more for a week... and then he starts being all flirty saying he misses cuddles etc. and he'd cuddle me 'all night long'... I said that's hard to envisage, when you've made no effort to arrange anything to see me again (I did say to him after the coffee meet 'let me know when you want to grab dinner because I'm pretty busy coming up' and he said 'I will'). He said that he does want to see me but he is busy with work, how about I let him know next time I'm free and we'll grab a takeaway and watch some music DVDs at mine?

 

I was like um... I'm busy until next year, sorry. I'll let you know when I'm free for dinner.

 

I'm not inviting some guy I've only just met off the internet round to my house, everyone knows what THAT'S all about. I'm not even against FWB or casual sex, if it's initiated and wanted equally by both parties, but ignoring my desire to actually go on a proper date twice, and inviting himself round twice, nah. I have no interest in him any longer.

[writergal]

Well we've already talked a bit about the sex stuff. And I made it clear that that wasn't going to happen for a while because I'm a virgin and I don't want to get through all the bases in one night. I think there's nothing wrong with not wanting to be someone's whore. I do have a high sex drive and I did get carried away with using a lot of tongue when we kissed, but at this point, I have to put my foot down before I do something really stupid.

 

Ps. Mr Castle. Just for you I'll mention that I hardly blame him. My ass is pretty nice.

 

Anyways, I will tell him. I'm not afraid of scaring him off because I want a serious relationship with a serious man, not just with a man who says he's serious but does the opposite. I suppose I'm just really annoyed that I made it clear I don't want to have sex, yet he pushed me towards going up to his room (I mean, fck, seriously? What the hell was I just saying a minute ago! Arg!). I just don't have any prior experience to base this on, so I don't know if this sort of thing is accepted or not, but it just feels like "sex, sex, sex" to me and nothing else. I'm also not buying all the romantic words he's said like "I really like you. I was so worried you were taken. I'm surprised you agreed to meet with me. I don't want to make you uncomfortable" blah blah blah. Sounds like a ploy to get into my pants.

 

No, you didn't really make it clear to this guy that you didn't want sex...because you WENT OVER TO HIS HOUSE ON YOUR FIST DATE where you went up to his bedroom!!!! All signs point to "I'm ready to have sex with you." Your actions contradicted your words.

 

And I find it ironic that you would dare be annoyed with him for pushing you for sex, when clearly that's what your actions told him you were okay with, by going over to his house.

 

I don't know how old you are OP, but c'mon, use your noggin.

 

Do you or do you not, want to have sex with this guy? Be honest.

 

Common sense dictates that your actions MUST align with your words if you want to CLEARLY COMMUNICATE with someone your intentions. In this situation, you sent him mixed messages. That's on you. Take ownership of that and try to remember not to do that sort of thing again.

 

If you don't want to have sex on a 1st, 3rd, or 5th date or whatever DONT GO OVER TO THE GUY'S HOUSE.

 

Sheesh! For someone who says they're a virgin, you sure don't act like one. You act all tough and call this guy a POS, which is pretty lame considering your choices in this situation.

 

P.S. When you date someone, you don't go over to their house until you're ready to get intimate with each other. And stop sending mixed messages with your actions or you'll never find the right kind of guy to be with.

[writergal]

It's time for you to not only talk the talk but also walk the walk. You indicate boundaries. He totally ignores them. The only right thing to do here is stand up and immediately leave his house.

 

Why are you even keeping contact with this guy? He just wants to have sex, that's very clear.

 

Stop all contact with this sleezeball.

 

Haha! The OP has the worst boundaries! She went over to the guy's house on the 1st date, which sent the guy the message that she's ready to have sex with him. He didn't ignore any boundaries because there were none put into place.

 

He's not a sleezeball. He was just following her lead.

 

Look OP, it's clear that you don't have good boundaries, and aren't a good communicator b/c your actions contradict your words.

 

If you don't want to have sex with this guy you call a POS, STOP being in contact with him. But if you are so horny as you said in a post here, then just get the sex thing over with this guy you keep (mis) leading.

 

You seem like someone who likes to play games based on how you paint this guy as a lowly sex monger, when its clear that you're the sex monger with no boundaries the way you talk about how much you love to masturbate, you go over to the guy's house on the 1st date sending him mixed messages, and then call him a POS for expecting sex from you, and keeping in contact with him when you claim you don't want any further contact from him.

[StanMusial]

He could at least take you to Arby's and a walk through the park.

 

Why do you like him?

[OnlyHonesty]

A girl can say what ever she wants but it all comes down to actions. If you state you aren't ready for sex and then head to the guys bedroom, you are contradicting your statement by your actions (in his eyes).

 

This is precisely why I take what I hear with a pinch of salt and watch a persons actions. You could have restated your boundaries and then politely left the premises or better yet, not gone there in the first place. When you don't do that, it makes you look like you may not be sure of your words.

[Bigcitydreamer]

Maybe the OP just really liked the guy and was unsure of what to do so she went to his house on the off chance that he is being sincere and doesn't just want to use her. She was right to identify the signs and stand her ground. I think that shows she does have boundaries.

 

OP, it isn't normal for a guy to want you to come to his house so much so early on. He needs to be asking you on real dates if he really liked you. I have dates guys who only wanted to use me and ones who really liked me and wanted to make me their gf. You can tell the difference based on how much effort they put in to dating early on.

 

I would wait until you hear from him again and see if he asks you on a real date. If he just asks you to come over once again I'd tell him your not interested sorry. Trust yourself that you are right about this and if he doesn't step up his game ASAP kick him to the curb.

[runningfar]

Sheesh! For someone who says they're a virgin, you sure don't act like one. You act all tough and call this guy a POS, which is pretty lame considering your choices in this situation.

 

 

 

Well, that's just inappropriate and mean to say.

 

 

OP, I have to tell you, a gentleman will respect what you say and you being in his house or even room does not mean IGNORE WHAT I SAY. That's just insulting to men and women. Do we not have self control? No way. You have every right to be offended that he didn't listen.

 

BUT, after he didn't listen you shouldn't have "rewarded" him with making out heavily.

 

 

If you do choose to see him again, and I understand if you don't, I would get up and leave the second he doesn't listen to what you said.

[Zahara]

OP, you need to get your boundaries in place and THEN, stick to them. You can't say you don't want to have sex, then break your own boundary by going up to his bedroom. It seems you have them, but you just don't enforce them. First date, he tried to get something out of you. And you saw that as a red flag. Second date, you do the same thing and go to his house and let him grab you and grind his penis on you. What you say and what you do aren't the same.

 

There are other red flags. He doesn't communicate with you between dates. When he sees you it is always at his home.

 

Not good. A guy that is into you will respect you when you say you don't want to have sex, and whether you are in his home on a first date, he will not push or manipulate the situation so that he can worm his way into getting what he wants. And it's partly your fault because you say no, but then you succumb.

 

A guy that is into you FIRST, instead of what's in your pants, will be more than happy to take you to coffee, rock climbing, take you on dates, the movies, picnics, etc.