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When dating a girl, should you hold back how much you like her?

somedude81

By somedude81
in General Relationship Discussion

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SJC2008 Established Member

SJC2008

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Looking back on how my life was before her and how it was with her, and how I am now that she's gone, I can 100% say that being with her was the best thing that ever happened to me.

 

That's a pretty big statement. Re-evaluate when the infatuation wears off and I'm almost certain your thoughts will change.

 

She did so many great things for me and I strongly feel that I have matured and changed into a better man because of her.

Like?? I was in a similar situation last year and given our ages and histories are almost identical I'm willing to bet we think alike. I was so sprung I wanted to buy her a thoughtful christmas gift. Not expensive but something that told her I know what she likes etc. After it ended and the infatuation wore off I was like wtf was I thinking? This chick would bitch aloud about where I sat us in the movies and started doing progressive 180 as we got to know eachother.

 

Whether I'm right or wrong, the more you post the more I see that this woman was your world. Not something you want to do that early on and definately not in a rebound situation.

FitChick Established Member

FitChick

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I lose interest in a man who plays it cool. To me it means he isn't interested. There is a middle ground between obsessive and smothering and cold and distant.

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somedude81 Established Member

somedude81

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That's a pretty big statement. Re-evaluate when the infatuation wears off and I'm almost certain your thoughts will change.

Absolutely not.

 

Consider this. Before I dated her, I believed that I was absolute sh*t and that no woman would ever want me. That I was completely undatable, would end up spending the rest of my life alone and had daily suicidal thoughts.

 

Being with her told me how wrong I was and she pretty much saved my life.

 

That is why she was so important to me.

 

I've been saying for years on this board that all I needed was one girl to give me a chance and then I could be OK with my self. Many said it wouldn't happen and I would have to learn to love myself first. Thank God they were wrong.

 

Like?? I was in a similar situation last year and given our ages and histories are almost identical I'm willing to bet we think alike. I was so sprung I wanted to buy her a thoughtful christmas gift. Not expensive but something that told her I know what she likes etc. After it ended and the infatuation wore off I was like wtf was I thinking? This chick would bitch aloud about where I sat us in the movies and started doing progressive 180 as we got to know eachother.

My ex was never rude to me at all. She was sweet, thoughtful, affectionate and always up for sex. It was amazing to have her in my life. Of course I'm not unable to see our incompatibles and know that my next relationship(s) can be even better

Whether I'm right or wrong, the more you post the more I see that this woman was your world. Not something you want to do that early on and definately not in a rebound situation.

Yes she was my world.

 

While she wasn't rebounding, she wasn't ready for a serious relationship.

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somedude81 Established Member

somedude81

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As backwards as it sounds SD a good rule of thumb is that women are chasers. How many threads have you seen here of "My bf of 3+ years won't propose"? Women are chasers women are chasers women are chasers. Drill it into your head. As much as I disagree with many of the things that Cptsaveaho says he's right in one thing and it's date, escalate, keep your mouth shut and wait for them to make the declarations. It's not right and I hate it and it should be the mans job to make declarations and to drop ILY first but if you can't beat em join em.

From what I'm gathering, the man is the initial chaser, but once he gets the woman hooked, he should back off a bit and let her start doing most of the work.

 

I have a lot to think about for the next girl.

This is light years ahead of where you can expect any guy to be when he is experiencing his first relationships, especially if that guy has a history of really struggling to attract women. Attraction imbalances are a major occupational hazard for guys like us but they can be difficult to identify when you are in the thick of things and overwhelmed (in a positive way) with just being in a relationship. I never learned it very well, but after a few mini-relationships, I think most guys start to get the hang of the proper time flow for letting deep feelings be known.

Thank you for pointing this out.

 

I'm a complete rookie who doesn't have a clue what he's doing.

 

The only real way to learn is to experience life, get feedback, then experience more life and the cycle keeps repeating. It's just taken me a very long time to get started.

SJC2008 Established Member

SJC2008

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Absolutely not.

 

Consider this. Before I dated her, I believed that I was absolute sh*t and that no woman would ever want me. That I was completely undatable, would end up spending the rest of my life alone and had daily suicidal thoughts.

 

Being with her told me how wrong I was and she pretty much saved my life.

 

That is why she was so important to me.

 

I can definately respect that but you may see or not see what I'm talking about once there is some time since your breakup.

 

I've been saying for years on this board that all I needed was one girl to give me a chance and then I could be OK with my self. Many said it wouldn't happen and I would have to learn to love myself first. Thank God they were wrong.

 

Like I've said before people on this forum are quick to spit out lines like 'You gotta love yourself' etc. I'm a happy guy but I'd be much happier with a GF. I've never had a steady gf and steady sex like the vast majority of the population. AND, plenty of people can't be alone and hop from R to R, it's just easier for them to find them for some reason.

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Eggplant Established Member

Eggplant

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I disagree. I've not seen that work out in real life.

 

But, asking for exclusivity is only one part of the bigger picture.

 

If he is the one who is constantly more affectionate, sensitive, and more emotionally invested in the relationship than the girl, it usually doesn't end well.

 

OP's post is a perfect example.

It doesn't end well, and didn't in the OP's case, in my opinion, not because he was too invested, but simply because the woman didn't have the right level of attraction to him, period. Had he been less affectionate, that wouldn't have helped. The situation was without remedy. I cannot read the minds of the people involved, but this is what I predict.
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panoramicview Member

panoramicview

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Posted (edited)
Absolutely not.

 

Consider this. Before I dated her, I believed that I was absolute sh*t and that no woman would ever want me. That I was completely undatable, would end up spending the rest of my life alone and had daily suicidal thoughts.

 

Being with her told me how wrong I was and she pretty much saved my life.

That is why she was so important to me.

 

I've been saying for years on this board that all I needed was one girl to give me a chance and then I could be OK with my self. Many said it wouldn't happen and I would have to learn to love myself first. Thank God they were wrong.

 

 

My ex was never rude to me at all. She was sweet, thoughtful, affectionate and always up for sex. It was amazing to have her in my life. Of course I'm not unable to see our incompatibles and know that my next relationship(s) can be even better

 

Yes she was my world.

 

While she wasn't rebounding, she wasn't ready for a serious relationship.

 

The bolded parts stood out to me. That just seems like a lot a pressure to put on someone, male or female. The fact that she is the ultimate source of your happiness and reason for living is an unreasonable weight to bare.

Edited by panoramicview
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somedude81 Established Member

somedude81

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The bolded parts stood out to me. That just seems like a lot a pressure to put on someone, male or female. The fact that she is the ultimate source of your happiness and reason for living is an unreasonable weight to bare.

In case you were wondering, no I never said any of the above to her.

 

She had no idea about my issues with depression, my low self-esteem.

 

Other than telling her (perhaps a bit too often) that I was very happy that she was in my life and that I really liked her, I kept all of those things to myself.

SJC2008 Established Member

SJC2008

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In case you were wondering, no I never said any of the above to her.

 

She had no idea about my issues with depression, my low self-esteem.

 

Other than telling her (perhaps a bit too often) that I was very happy that she was in my life and that I really liked her, I kept all of those things to myself.

 

You gotta watch what you say to women early on. I showed no neediness or attachment to the one I dated last year but she threw me a cuve ball one day when I asked her out for another date. She said she was busy and would let me know later. Well she texted me saying she lied and that she had a date and didn't want to hurt my feelings but 'came clean' because she wouldn't want to be lied too also. I responded with something along the lines of 'If your dating others I don't want to get hurt down the road'. We talked the next day and I broke things off with her but later that night we talked agai

and I tried to reconcile. Anyway, she said I

was more invested than her xyz and I said ok

so I went radio silence on her ass and she broke first. Imagine that, she says all that crap about being more invested and I dump her and she breaks first. In the end I *think* it was a test that backfired on her when I showed I'd walk but whether it was a test or not the next time a woman throws me a curve ball like that I'll either next her or text her something like 'Take your drama somewhere else' because saying what I did doesn't mean you *eventually* don't want to get hurt it means 'Please don't leave me, I'm sprung like a sap and can't live without you.

 

Words are very powerful to some women and hold more weight than actions. Indifference is key. Yet another thing that seems backwards in dating but you gotta play by the rules until you meet one of those rare women on the dark side if the moon that isn't a chaser and actually wants a man who's into them.

 

More often than not, waiting for the woman to show her hand first is the way to go. As funny as quoting a TV show may be, Sean from the last season of the bachelor didn't tell his gf he loved her until he proposed. He's no Joe Blow either. He's college educated, good looking an has had plenty success with women and he still played by the "rules".

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FrankieFrank Established Member

FrankieFrank

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So basically you have to play games to be successful? Can't you just have normal, honest relationship when you are comfortable enough saying stuff like that?

Mrlonelyone Established Member

Mrlonelyone

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SD

 

 

As others have said you simply weren't romantically compatible with this woman. She wasn't into you the way you were into her.

 

 

You as I recall, were holding out for a loving lasting relationship. I'm here to tell you that most of the time relationships are with just whoever's nearby and willing. She's no longer willing so it's over. Odds are it's not because of anything you did, you were you, she was her the weather changed and it ended.

 

 

So basically you have to play games to be successful? Can't you just have normal, honest relationship when you are comfortable enough saying stuff like that?

 

 

 

We all wish that was the case but unless like some people you meet your soul mate in your 20's see my signature line.

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