When dating a girl, should you hold back how much you like her?

[Eclypse]

I wouldn't sweat it. Both of my relationships I've told her how I feel about her pretty early on. Once we're kissing and dating, telling her how much I like her just seems normal. It's never backfired in my face yet. Why wouldn't a girl want to know how much you like her? I think the girl you were with was probably the exception, rather than the rule.

[xxoo]

Why are you so down on yourself?

 

That is your problem. It's not exactly captivating.

[somedude81]

How happy would you be in a relationship where you have to hold your affection back? Where you always have to think not to contact her or touch her too much? You did nothing wrong SD. You were just with someone that wasn't as in love as you were.

If it meant I could keep her for longer, than I would gladly do it.

 

I have no issue contacting a girl less so that wouldn't bug me.

 

Touching her less would not be something I'd be able to do. But I could easily cut back on verbalizing how much I like a girl.

 

Have any of you ladies dated a man who talked too much about how he liked you and it made you conformable and felt smothered?

 

There are no tricks. Not if you want a real, long term relationship. The only real trick is finding someone that feels the same way and is compatible with you. It's not easy for anyone. Hell, I am still looking for it.

That's not going to really work for me. It simply takes me too long to get a relationship going.

Also, for example I am very affectionate when I am into a guy. I like cooking for him, packing him lunch every day, writing random love notes and leaving them around for him to find, sending him songs that remind me of him. I like outlining hearts on his shoulders after we made love. I like that side of myself - I don't want to change it. Guys that were truly into me loved it too

It's great that you are so affectionate. I would have no issue with that at all.

 

My ex-girlfriend was not as affectionate with me so I think I should have dialed myself back and matched her affection level.

 

Does that make any sense?

Seriously the answer here is to funnel those emotions into another direction. Instead of gushing romantically... Passionately make love to her!

 

Honestly women respond very well to sexual energy... Much more than to the touchy feely stuff. Even if you are not actually having sex get as physical as possible at every opportunity. Make it known that you are thinking long term, but keep the other emotions bottled.

Yeah I really enjoyed making love to her.

 

What do you mean keep other emotions bottled?

You shouldn't have to hold back how much you like her. And if you do have to, then something is not right.

 

How does it feel to be so into someone who is less interested? Is it satisfying?

At this stage of my life, it doesn't bug. Even though my ex wasn't as interested in my as I was in her, it was still absolutely freaking amazing to have her in my life.

[MissBee]

Long story short, my ex felt guilty about me liking her more than she liked me and it was a factor in her breaking up with me.

 

How do I prevent this from happening again?

 

"My only sin was loving you too much."

 

Apparently no relationship is equal in that regard and one person usually has more power/is more dominant and one person loves more or is perhaps more vulnerable.

 

However, you're compatible when that difference is very negligible.

 

You can't prevent yourself from liking someone more than they do you. All you can do is try to be in a relationship where it is more mutual and where there isn't an obvious difference in investment.

 

You can't be in a relationship with a woman who you like a lot more and "fake" like you don't in order to have her stay...this won't work. Eventually it comes to light.

Edited December 20, 2013 by MissBee

[SJC2008]

As backwards as it sounds SD a good rule of thumb is that women are chasers. How many threads have you seen here of "My bf of 3+ years won't propose"? Women are chasers women are chasers women are chasers. Drill it into your head. As much as I disagree with many of the things that Cptsaveaho says he's right in one thing and it's date, escalate, keep your mouth shut and wait for them to make the declarations. It's not right and I hate it and it should be the mans job to make declarations and to drop ILY first but if you can't beat em join em.

[freetolove]

she's not the right one if you have to dance around this type of topic.

[RedRobin]

As backwards as it sounds SD a good rule of thumb is that women are chasers. How many threads have you seen here of "My bf of 3+ years won't propose"? Women are chasers women are chasers women are chasers. Drill it into your head. As much as I disagree with many of the things that Cptsaveaho says he's right in one thing and it's date, escalate, keep your mouth shut and wait for them to make the declarations. It's not right and I hate it and it should be the mans job to make declarations and to drop ILY first but if you can't beat em join em.

 

Ok, first off... you are talking about a guy with the screen handle "Cptsaveaho"...

 

Every LTR I've been in, it was the man who made his intentions clear and said 'I love you' first.

 

It's my opinion that it is men who are less monogamous (on average) and the one that needs to be making the declarations and doing the proving that way if he wants to keep the woman he's interested in... if she has an ounce of self esteem anyway.

 

As for me, if a guy I'm interested is not taking these actions after a reasonable period of time, I don't chase him. I just assume he's not that into me and dump him. Maybe that's why they come chasing me afterwards? They are playing this game where they are waiting for me?

 

It's pretty lame if that's the case.

 

So no, SD, I don't think holding back your feelings is a good idea at all.

[Eggplant]

Be careful not to come on too strong too fast. Don't profess your love inappropriately early.

[Eggplant]

But you should not be the more emotional of the two parties. Not to be sexist or anything, it's just that men and women are wired differently when it comes to this stuff. Hence all the drama relationships go through. Because men are men and women are women.

In contrast, I think that because men and women are wired differently, the man should be the one to bring up wanting more emotional intimacy. If the man takes longer to get to that stage, then he is the limiting factor, and so it's a little safer when it's his idea.

[SJC2008]

Ok, first off... you are talking about a guy with the screen handle "Cptsaveaho"...

 

Every LTR I've been in, it was the man who made his intentions clear and said 'I love you' first.

 

It's my opinion that it is men who are less monogamous (on average) and the one that needs to be making the declarations and doing the proving that way if he wants to keep the woman he's interested in... if she has an ounce of self esteem anyway.

 

As for me, if a guy I'm interested is not taking these actions after a reasonable period of time, I don't chase him. I just assume he's not that into me and dump him. Maybe that's why they come chasing me afterwards? They are playing this game where they are waiting for me?

 

It's pretty lame if that's the case.

 

So no, SD, I don't think holding back your feelings is a good idea at all.

 

I agree with you but rules of thumb don't come from thin air, they come from experience. Like I told SD it's backwards and shouldn't be that way but a good rule of thumb is the aformentioned.

 

You're a "real woman" in my book with solid morals and a healthy view of the way relationships work and the view that the man is the one to take the relationship to the next level and ask to be exclusive. TBS I feel like women like you are rare and while I hate areeing with Cpt on this I think it's a goog rule of thumb. I'm not going to wait around for the few women on the dark side of the moon who share your view.

[RedRobin]

I agree with you but rules of thumb don't come from thin air, they come from experience. Like I told SD it's backwards and shouldn't be that way but a good rule of thumb is the aformentioned.

 

You're a "real woman" in my book with solid morals and a healthy view of the way relationships work and the view that the man is the one to take the relationship to the next level and ask to be exclusive. TBS I feel like women like you are rare and while I hate areeing with Cpt on this I think it's a goog rule of thumb. I'm not going to wait around for the few women on the dark side of the moon who share your view.

 

Unfortunately, too many women are more worried about a guy 'picking them' and doing things that are not healthy for them, rather than making sure he's worthy of being picked.

 

I should mention that tons of men I've dated almost always throw out the 'exclusive' phase right away. Like others have mentioned, it only makes sense when enough time has passed for real intimacy to occur... not just something to get laid or speed things along. Same with the "I love you" statement.

 

I've had at least two married men tell me they 'love me' in their hopes of getting me to have an affair with them.

 

So... Even when the guy IS the first to make that declaration, it has to be backed up with something substantial. I expect a rational, solid guy will be drawing the same conclusions about me too... A guy can tell when a woman is in love with him.... same way they can usually tell his other proposals will be accepted favorably.

 

...have to say though... I'm very glad to be having this discussion about SD. Sounds like he dated a very nice woman after all of his prior travails. When to say the "L" word seems like a trifle after everything he's overcome.

[GoodOnPaper]

So... Even when the guy IS the first to make that declaration, it has to be backed up with something substantial. I expect a rational, solid guy will be drawing the same conclusions about me too... A guy can tell when a woman is in love with him.... same way they can usually tell his other proposals will be accepted favorably.

 

This is light years ahead of where you can expect any guy to be when he is experiencing his first relationships, especially if that guy has a history of really struggling to attract women. Attraction imbalances are a major occupational hazard for guys like us but they can be difficult to identify when you are in the thick of things and overwhelmed (in a positive way) with just being in a relationship. I never learned it very well, but after a few mini-relationships, I think most guys start to get the hang of the proper time flow for letting deep feelings be known.

[RedRobin]

This is light years ahead of where you can expect any guy to be when he is experiencing his first relationships, especially if that guy has a history of really struggling to attract women. Attraction imbalances are a major occupational hazard for guys like us but they can be difficult to identify when you are in the thick of things and overwhelmed (in a positive way) with just being in a relationship. I never learned it very well, but after a few mini-relationships, I think most guys start to get the hang of the proper time flow for letting deep feelings be known.

 

Yes, you have a good point.

 

Attraction imbalances are an occupational hazard for everyone *sigh*

 

I myself am not the most patient person in the world either... to my detriment sometimes. I think it is important to say the 'L' word not just for validation, but as a genuine expression of care. When it is done in that spirit, it definitely lightens the load and pressure of saying it... because it isn't dependent on the other's response.

[somedude81]

Timing is important here. If you seem too invested, too early you will come off as clingy & needy. That will drive the object of your affections away.

 

 

For the first few weeks / months limit yourself to I like you & I'm glad we met. From there you move on to I love you & I'm glad you're in my life. Wait a while before declaring that she's the love of your life or that you want to spend the rest of your life with her.

 

 

Even if you feel or say those things very early on, maintain your sense of self confidence. If the girl perceives you to be a doormat, she will walk all over you & right out of your life.

This sounds like good advice. I probably did come across as clingy and needy. Five years ago I would have come across as even more clingy and I doubt I would have been able to maintain the relationship with her past two months. Seems I still have more to learn.

I wouldn't sweat it. Both of my relationships I've told her how I feel about her pretty early on. Once we're kissing and dating, telling her how much I like her just seems normal. It's never backfired in my face yet. Why wouldn't a girl want to know how much you like her? I think the girl you were with was probably the exception, rather than the rule.

Hell if I know, but a few women, including my ex have made that point.

Why are you so down on yourself?

 

That is your problem. It's not exactly captivating.

What is the point of your post?

 

Do you really think I was down on myself when I was with her or talking to her?

 

Apparently no relationship is equal in that regard and one person usually has more power/is more dominant and one person loves more or is perhaps more vulnerable.

 

However, you're compatible when that difference is very negligible.

 

You can't prevent yourself from liking someone more than they do you. All you can do is try to be in a relationship where it is more mutual and where there isn't an obvious difference in investment.

Because of who I am and my past history with women, I will most likely always be the one who loves the woman more. Because of that I can't limit myself to only dating women who feel relatively equivalent about me. That cuts down the pool of available women dramatically.

 

You can't be in a relationship with a woman who you like a lot more and "fake" like you don't in order to have her stay...this won't work. Eventually it comes to light.

Why would this not work?

[somedude81]

I'll try asking a different question.

 

Ladies, what are some signs that lets you know a guy is really into you?

[Phoe]

Somedude, I think that when it's right, you won't need to hold back. It might not even cross your mind. Everything will flow naturally.

 

If you find yourself needing to hold back your feelings with a girl, then something is not right

[MrCastle]

In contrast, I think that because men and women are wired differently, the man should be the one to bring up wanting more emotional intimacy. If the man takes longer to get to that stage, then he is the limiting factor, and so it's a little safer when it's his idea.

 

I disagree. I've not seen that work out in real life.

 

But, asking for exclusivity is only one part of the bigger picture.

 

If he is the one who is constantly more affectionate, sensitive, and more emotionally invested in the relationship than the girl, it usually doesn't end well.

 

OP's post is a perfect example.

[somedude81]

Somedude, I think that when it's right, you won't need to hold back. It might not even cross your mind. Everything will flow naturally.

 

If you find yourself needing to hold back your feelings with a girl, then something is not right

Hey Phoe, I'm going to use a post you made in another thread and move it over here.

 

Now I've found a guy I really connect with, who does what he can every single day to show me he cares and that he appreciates me being in his life, and yet I STILL have the occasional moment where some toxic self-doubt starts creeping into the back of my head telling me I'm not special or good enough and that he will grow tired of me and my toast in time and will go find a new toaster.

 

 

I try to squash those thoughts as soon as I notice them. It is completely unfair to him and is a disservice to him, for all the kind things he does for me.

I think a big factor of this is who secure the woman is herself and her relationship experience.

 

You've generally had poor experiences with men so you appreciate a man who shows you that he cares every day and that you are important in his life. On the other hand, a woman who has a lot of confidence and generally positive experiences with men, might actually perceive what your guy doing as needy/smothering and dump him.

[jphcbpa]

It is important to be who you are. If you are more sensitive then be just that. Do not beat yourself up over it. That is how you were made. You do yourself a disservice to be something you are not. If you are that way, then odds are you will attract an independent woman. Perhaps you may at times feel like the female in the R and she is the male in terms of emotions and investment. If that is the way it works out, then work with that situation do try to be something or someone you are not. For example if you are more beta then dont try to act alpha.

[todreaminblue]

I'll try asking a different question.

 

Ladies, what are some signs that lets you know a guy is really into you?

 

 

 

touch they stand really close to me, then they tell me not in flowers and odes....just a hey i dig you.....i really like you lets do this or that, what do you want to do .....then we bounce around ideas and get creative.......pretty simple......deb

Edited December 20, 2013 by todreaminblue

[John316C]

yes always hold back

[Phoe]

I'll try asking a different question.

 

Ladies, what are some signs that lets you know a guy is really into you?

 

It's hard to explain, honestly.

 

 

I could list off actual actions that he takes that show me I'm important to you, but none of that compares to that mental feeling of knowing we are totally and completely on the same wavelength as humans. He gets this look in his eyes, and I know it's subconscious on his part. I can be sitting nearby reading, I'll look up and see that he's abandoned whatever had his attention and he's looking at me, lost in thought, with the most smitten look on his face. Pardon me for my inability to articulate any of this into sensible words. I have pneumonia and my brain is tired.

 

 

The actual actions are endless. I could fill a book with the thoughtful and kind things he has done.

 

 

He forcibly took me to urgent care last night. We actually had a small fight over it. I did NOT want to go to the doctor and he was having none of it. When I got off work last night he was waiting outside in the pouring rain, he immediately threw his jacket on me to protect me from the chill. He got soaked.

 

 

He was okay with making me mad being dragged to the doctor. He said "get mad all you want". My well being was all that mattered at that moment. Getting me medicine and putting me to bed, fed and watered. I know he was irritated. Dealing with the overly emotional anxiety riddled severely ill overgrown baby state I was in last night. Before sending me home he hugged me and I attempted to string together the right words to express my gratitude but I'm pretty sure it was just some pitiful nonsense. I was nearly in tears.

 

 

I've never been so cared for. It amazes me. Again, no words to describe the feeling.

 

 

Long story short - the way to know this guy is into me is going to great lengths to protect my well being. He easily coulda said "sorry you're sick, hope you feel better soon!" and left me alone.

[Phoe]

You've generally had poor experiences with men so you appreciate a man who shows you that he cares every day and that you are important in his life. On the other hand, a woman who has a lot of confidence and generally positive experiences with men, might actually perceive what your guy doing as needy/smothering and dump him.

 

It's hard to say really, given my poor experiences, but I'm inclined to believe even a really confident woman with great experiences would appreciate the same things from a man if they were just a naturally great match. When it's right, it's right, and worries over clinginess and coming on too strong are a nonissue.

 

 

Maybe it's my hopefulness getting the best of me

[todreaminblue]

It's hard to explain, honestly.

 

 

I could list off actual actions that he takes that show me I'm important to you, but none of that compares to that mental feeling of knowing we are totally and completely on the same wavelength as humans. He gets this look in his eyes, and I know it's subconscious on his part. I can be sitting nearby reading, I'll look up and see that he's abandoned whatever had his attention and he's looking at me, lost in thought, with the most smitten look on his face. Pardon me for my inability to articulate any of this into sensible words. I have pneumonia and my brain is tired.

 

 

The actual actions are endless. I could fill a book with the thoughtful and kind things he has done.

 

 

He forcibly took me to urgent care last night. We actually had a small fight over it. I did NOT want to go to the doctor and he was having none of it. When I got off work last night he was waiting outside in the pouring rain, he immediately threw his jacket on me to protect me from the chill. He got soaked.

 

 

He was okay with making me mad being dragged to the doctor. He said "get mad all you want". My well being was all that mattered at that moment. Getting me medicine and putting me to bed, fed and watered. I know he was irritated. Dealing with the overly emotional anxiety riddled severely ill overgrown baby state I was in last night. Before sending me home he hugged me and I attempted to string together the right words to express my gratitude but I'm pretty sure it was just some pitiful nonsense. I was nearly in tears.

 

 

I've never been so cared for. It amazes me. Again, no words to describe the feeling.

 

 

Long story short - the way to know this guy is into me is going to great lengths to protect my well being. He easily coulda said "sorry you're sick, hope you feel better soon!" and left me alone.

 

 

 

awww ...lovely story.......smilin...thanks for sharing phoe.....deb

[somedude81]

Looking back on how my life was before her and how it was with her, and how I am now that she's gone, I can 100% say that being with her was the best thing that ever happened to me.

 

She did so many great things for me and I strongly feel that I have matured and changed into a better man because of her. I had no issues at about expressing that towards her because I was so happy to have her in my life. It was such a huge dramatic change to be with a woman when I was single for so very long. Frankly I didn't care that she wasn't as into me as I was into her, as long as she was with me. It's a shame that those honest and pure feelings made her feel guilty and contributed to her wanting to leave me.

 

Most likely my feelings for the next girl I enter into a relationship with won't be on that level. Sure I could love her, but I wouldn't feel like she saved my life.