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When dating a girl, should you hold back how much you like her?

somedude81

By somedude81
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somedude81 Established Member

somedude81

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Long story short, my ex felt guilty about me liking her more than she liked me and it was a factor in her breaking up with me.

 

How do I prevent this from happening again?

 

"My only sin was loving you too much."

creighton0123 Established Member

creighton0123

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It sounds like she fed you one of those lines that people say when they have nothing valuable they want to say.

 

Sounds like you two simply weren't compatible at that point in time that you started dating and she lost interest after the "honeymoon period" faded.

 

There's no avoiding it. You just need to find you someone who, when dating, will be in the same place, want similar things, and has the feelings for you they expect to have.

 

There's no such thing as "loving her more than she loves you" bull**** unless she isn't really in love with you.

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MrCastle Established Member

MrCastle

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You just have to wait for her to give you the green lights man. At least when it comes to starting a relationship.

 

In dating, the man pursues -- is in charge of setting up the dates, initiating contact and whatnot, and the girl accepts or rejects those moves.

 

Once you guys get closer, she should be the one who initiates the "what are we" conversation. When you hear her say she loves you, or that she wants more than just casual dating with you, that's when you come out and say what you feel.

 

But you should not be the more emotional of the two parties. Not to be sexist or anything, it's just that men and women are wired differently when it comes to this stuff. Hence all the drama relationships go through. Because men are men and women are women.

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somedude81 Established Member

somedude81

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It sounds like she fed you one of those lines that people say when they have nothing valuable they want to say.

I don't think that's it.

 

I've been told a few times that girls don't like knowing that a guy likes them more than she likes him. A few people also mentioned it in my break up thread such as stringchick.

 

Tons of people mentioned that she wasn't as invested as I was.

 

Sounds like you two simply weren't compatible at that point in time that you started dating and she lost interest after the "honeymoon period" faded.

We were very compatible when we started dating. But what I'm trying to say is that maybe I showed her that I liked her more than she liked me.

 

There's no avoiding it. You just need to find you someone who, when dating, will be in the same place, want similar things, and has the feelings for you they expect to have.

I tend to fall for girls pretty hard so I'm afraid that this will happen again unless I try to control it. That's why I made this thread.

You just have to wait for her to give you the green lights man. At least when it comes to starting a relationship.

 

In dating, the man pursues -- is in charge of setting up the dates, initiating contact and whatnot, and the girl accepts or rejects those moves.

 

Once you guys get closer, she should be the one who initiates the "what are we" conversation. When you hear her say she loves you, or that she wants more than just casual dating with you, that's when you come out and say what you feel.

 

But you should not be the more emotional of the two parties. Not to be sexist or anything, it's just that men and women are wired differently when it comes to this stuff. Hence all the drama relationships go through. Because men are men and women are women.

That's not exactly what I'm talking about.

 

I'm talking about when in an actual relationship who is the one who should like the other person the most? I'm sure you've heard that the person that loves the least holds the power. That's exactly what happened to me.

 

Somehow my ex felt that I liked her a lot more than she liked me, and she wasn't comfortable with that.

MrCastle Established Member

MrCastle

Posted
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That's not exactly what I'm talking about.

 

I'm talking about when in an actual relationship who is the one who should like the other person the most? I'm sure you've heard that the person that loves the least holds the power. That's exactly what happened to me.

 

Somehow my ex felt that I liked her a lot more than she liked me, and she wasn't comfortable with that.

 

Well, ideally you want to have both people on the same plane emotionally speaking -- but if that's not what's going on for whatever reason, then the woman has to be the more emotionally invested of the two. I've never seen a man more outwardly emotional than his girlfriend keep the relationship going. It's very rare for that to happen.

 

Nothing wrong with showing your sensitive side, in fact I'd recommend showing it from time to time -- but if you are gushing more than her, if you are saying stuff like "I love that you're a part of my life" and things like that more than her -- you're more than likely in trouble.

 

Actions speak louder than words. Every woman will come in here and say how they want a sensitive man and someone who is as emotionally open as they are -- but you and I both know, that guy is at home on a Friday night.

 

If ever you want to better understand women, stop reading what they say on here and start looking at the kinds of guys who constantly get dates and/or girlfriends in real life.

 

The man should not be more emotional than the female.

Eternal Sunshine Established Member

Eternal Sunshine

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SD,

 

Usually one person will be more invested. However that difference should be small and can even switch back and forth in the relationship. What your ex describes is a larger inbalance. Women are intuitive and can sense it. When I have been in the position like that, I would feel smoothered and get the urge to run.

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somedude81 Established Member

somedude81

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SD,

 

Usually one person will be more invested. However that difference should be small and can even switch back and forth in the relationship. What your ex describes is a larger inbalance. Women are intuitive and can sense it. When I have been in the position like that, I would feel smoothered and get the urge to run.

That's exactly what I'm talking about!

 

I don't want a girl to feel like she has to run away because I like her too much.

 

How do I avoid that from happening? Should I hold back how affectionate I am? How much I contact her?

 

What are the things that women look at from guys they are in a relationship with?

Els Established Member

Els

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You solve the problem by finding someone who is genuinely compatible with you and genuinely in love with you too. That way neither of you has to 'hold back affection' and are able to express it in ways that are natural to you.

 

It isn't easy by a long shot, which is why so many Rs fail after honeymoon phase is over. But it's worth aspiring to.

 

It is also worth continually working on self-improvement to help that process along.

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todreaminblue Established Member

todreaminblue

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I don't think that's it.

 

I've been told a few times that girls don't like knowing that a guy likes them more than she likes him. A few people also mentioned it in my break up thread such as stringchick.

 

Tons of people mentioned that she wasn't as invested as I was.

 

 

We were very compatible when we started dating. But what I'm trying to say is that maybe I showed her that I liked her more than she liked me.

 

 

I tend to fall for girls pretty hard so I'm afraid that this will happen again unless I try to control it. That's why I made this thread.

 

That's not exactly what I'm talking about.

 

I'm talking about when in an actual relationship who is the one who should like the other person the most? I'm sure you've heard that the person that loves the least holds the power. That's exactly what happened to me.

 

Somehow my ex felt that I liked her a lot more than she liked me, and she wasn't comfortable with that.

 

 

if a guy is gushy with me, i feel uncomfortable, a guy should have a little bit of restraint i feel i dont know about other women but i would say progression of undying affection should be more towards a woman ...i like stoic guys.......who show me how they feel.........i write poetry ....i know words....i would rsather see love than hear it as words.....i have seen love very few times....been told love many times...a sweet kiss is worth a thousand words......deb

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soccerrprp Established Member

soccerrprp

Posted
Posted

 

I'm talking about when in an actual relationship who is the one who should like the other person the most? I'm sure you've heard that the person that loves the least holds the power. That's exactly what happened to me.

 

Somehow my ex felt that I liked her a lot more than she liked me, and she wasn't comfortable with that.

 

I am not a believer in holding off on how I feel. I simply let the girl know and let the chips fall as they will. I have never been dumped b/c of it and in fact, my feelings have been reciprocated in kind except once. I told my late wife after dating for 2-weeks that I loved her and she nervously told me that she only liked me. We laughed and I completely understood. The key was not to change the relationship so that it became uncomfortable or that it seemed I was trying too hard.

 

Your ex was uncomfortable with that, too uncomfortable. I suspect that she did not see you as LT material b/c most women would be flattered I think.

 

As for who has more power. The power the other person has is only as great as you give to her/him. I feel that by expressing my feelings, I hold the more "power" if that's the way you want to look at it. Why? Well, b/c I have upped the ante and if I've the confident, secure, consistent and great guy then the person is placed in a position to decide whether she wants to move forward or back off and risk losing a great guy. Of course there's a huge difference between love and like, so for me, telling a girl I like her first is no big deal.

 

But even with love, which I believe I have been in only twice, my late wife and now, I said it first and don't regret and both times it has been reciprocated (eventually :)).

 

In the end, I say not to hold back, but be prepared for her not to be on the same page and confidently move on with that or if it's your pattern that it becomes too stressful that your feelings are not reciprocated, then wait for the other to say it. Not my style though.... :)

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StanMusial Established Member

StanMusial

Posted
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I think what she meant to say was "I love myself more than I love you."

Eternal Sunshine Established Member

Eternal Sunshine

Posted
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That's exactly what I'm talking about!

 

I don't want a girl to feel like she has to run away because I like her too much.

 

How do I avoid that from happening? Should I hold back how affectionate I am? How much I contact her?

 

What are the things that women look at from guys they are in a relationship with?

 

How happy would you be in a relationship where you have to hold your affection back? Where you always have to think not to contact her or touch her too much? You did nothing wrong SD. You were just with someone that wasn't as in love as you were.

 

There are no tricks. Not if you want a real, long term relationship. The only real trick is finding someone that feels the same way and is compatible with you. It's not easy for anyone. Hell, I am still looking for it.

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Eternal Sunshine Established Member

Eternal Sunshine

Posted
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Also, for example I am very affectionate when I am into a guy. I like cooking for him, packing him lunch every day, writing random love notes and leaving them around for him to find, sending him songs that remind me of him. I like outlining hearts on his shoulders after we made love. I like that side of myself - I don't want to change it. Guys that were truly into me loved it too :)

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soccerrprp Established Member

soccerrprp

Posted
Posted (edited)
Also, for example I am very affectionate when I am into a guy. I like cooking for him, packing him lunch every day, writing random love notes and leaving them around for him to find, sending him songs that remind me of him. I like outlining hearts on his shoulders after we made love. I like that side of myself - I don't want to change it. Guys that were truly into me loved it too :)

 

Will you be my gf? ;) I especially love the hearts.

 

Yeah, I am very affectionate too and won't change that. I once told my gf that she may not be able to handle the fire (metaphorically speaking), so she should be warned about the amount of affection and attention she'll get. Of course, this happens ONLY with the people that I am really into. She, my gf, is not used to affection from the guys she's dated in the past and she LOVES it! She's still getting used to it all.

 

In other words, be yourself.

Edited by soccerrprp
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Untouchable_Fire Established Member

Untouchable_Fire

Posted
Posted
That's exactly what I'm talking about!

I don't want a girl to feel like she has to run away because I like her too much.

How do I avoid that from happening? Should I hold back how affectionate I am? How much I contact her?

What are the things that women look at from guys they are in a relationship with?

 

Seriously the answer here is to funnel those emotions into another direction. Instead of gushing romantically... Passionately make love to her!

 

Honestly women respond very well to sexual energy... Much more than to the touchy feely stuff. Even if you are not actually having sex get as physical as possible at every opportunity. Make it known that you are thinking long term, but keep the other emotions bottled.

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xxoo Established Member

xxoo

Posted
Posted

You shouldn't have to hold back how much you like her. And if you do have to, then something is not right.

 

How does it feel to be so into someone who is less interested? Is it satisfying?

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GoreSP Established Member

GoreSP

Posted
Posted
Long story short, my ex felt guilty about me liking her more than she liked me and it was a factor in her breaking up with me.

 

How do I prevent this from happening again?

 

"My only sin was loving you too much."

 

Sorry, you can't prevent this.

 

Also, if you hold back with the next girl and she happens to like you very very much, she may dump you for not liking her enough.

Just be yourself.

jphcbpa Established Member

jphcbpa

Posted
Posted

good thread, sound advice on here. thank you all!!!

jphcbpa Established Member

jphcbpa

Posted
Posted
Seriously the answer here is to funnel those emotions into another direction. Instead of gushing romantically... Passionately make love to her!

 

Honestly women respond very well to sexual energy... Much more than to the touchy feely stuff. Even if you are not actually having sex get as physical as possible at every opportunity. Make it known that you are thinking long term, but keep the other emotions bottled.

 

by "get as physical as possible" you mean hand holding, being playful ect?

 

tell me more about your last sentence if you are inclined.

 

thank you!

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somedude81 Established Member

somedude81

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if a guy is gushy with me, i feel uncomfortable, a guy should have a little bit of restraint i feel i dont know about other women but i would say progression of undying affection should be more towards a woman ...i like stoic guys.......who show me how they feel.........i write poetry ....i know words....i would rsather see love than hear it as words.....i have seen love very few times....been told love many times...a sweet kiss is worth a thousand words......deb

I think I may have gushed a bit too much about how much I liked her, how happy I was to have her in my life, various compliments and stuff like that.

 

Never would I have guessed that those things could actually be a factor in making her want to leave me.

 

That's probably why she was so focused on calling me sweat when she broke up with me.

 

I also know that she never said anything at all similar to me. No compliments, no pet names, never saying she's happy to be with me etc. Though she did show it with her actions. I didn't care if she didn't say those things to me when she had her head on my chest.

 

I should probably cut back with the next girl. Or try to match what she does.

ponchsox Established Member

ponchsox

Posted
Posted

Don't show all your cards at once. It makes her curious and excited to learn more about you, and you save yourself from potential heartbreak.

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Elliotte Established Member

Elliotte

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Posted

I don't think it's a matter of "whether to hold back or not". I think it's a matter of your perception of how well you two are getting along. If you want love in a relationship, that love shouldn't come from how great you think that person is, it should come from how much of the connection the both of you have together.

 

In my experience there have been plenty of incredible women who were great people, but I didn't love them because there was not enough connection between the two of us. I have always been the one to tell a woman that I love them, and because it has always been after quite a few months of the two of us bonding closely, sharing each others' vulnerabilities, having a lot of life perspectives in common, laughing at each other's goofiness, passionately going at each other like sex-starved rabbits, etc. Not a single one was weirded out when I told them, most immediately said they felt the same, and one quickly realized she loved me to but hadn't realized it before I told her!

 

You need to hone your sense of what that connection is, because when it's there, it's undeniable. When you have to ask yourself whether it is there or not, it most likely isn't. Godspeed sir!

todreaminblue Established Member

todreaminblue

Posted
Posted (edited)
I think I may have gushed a bit too much about how much I liked her, how happy I was to have her in my life, various compliments and stuff like that.

 

Never would I have guessed that those things could actually be a factor in making her want to leave me.

 

That's probably why she was so focused on calling me sweat when she broke up with me.

 

I also know that she never said anything at all similar to me. No compliments, no pet names, never saying she's happy to be with me etc. Though she did show it with her actions. I didn't care if she didn't say those things to me when she had her head on my chest.

 

I should probably cut back with the next girl. Or try to match what she does.

 

 

when i was in the honey moon phase with my ex we talked about pet names......he asked me what i didn't like to be called.......one of them is darling or sweetie or darl or sweets.......

 

 

i much prefer a guy to use my name because then i know they are talking just to me and i think the kewtest name is the name of the person you love......i like saying a full name with a smile in my whisper.....its playful and yeah i enjoy it much more than hey babe....move a a little closer.......its a bit cheesy.......

 

 

and i am affectionate in a relationship, ill show how i feel when i know the person is receptive.... sounds like your gf was similar......if i let a guy touch me........then that guy should know........i really want him to touch me.....because i touch back...ill show how i feel and save my words fro poems i write him further down the track...........ill muck around......laughter .....fun...affection........love.....secret poems for xmas birthdays....any day i feel like it....and they are expressive......and are uniquely written for him...this is where i say exactly what he does and what it makes me feel..he would know it has been written solely for him .......i am pretty quiet in person in the love stakes anyway..........my poetry speaks for me..and i have been asked to read it aloud to an ex....he grew to love poetry ....pretty cool he does now like poetry...well mine anyway............

 

 

 

be chill...show a woman how you feel.....let her lead...you will know what and when to say what you need to ...deb

Edited by todreaminblue
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Eternal Sunshine Established Member

Eternal Sunshine

Posted
Posted
Will you be my gf? ;) I especially love the hearts.

 

Yeah, I am very affectionate too and won't change that. I once told my gf that she may not be able to handle the fire (metaphorically speaking), so she should be warned about the amount of affection and attention she'll get. Of course, this happens ONLY with the people that I am really into. She, my gf, is not used to affection from the guys she's dated in the past and she LOVES it! She's still getting used to it all.

 

In other words, be yourself.

 

That's another good point. I have dated guys I was meh about and I didn't do any of that. In fact to them, I came across as cold.

 

Now I just don't date guys I am meh about :)

d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

Posted
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Timing is important here. If you seem too invested, too early you will come off as clingy & needy. That will drive the object of your affections away.

 

 

For the first few weeks / months limit yourself to I like you & I'm glad we met. From there you move on to I love you & I'm glad you're in my life. Wait a while before declaring that she's the love of your life or that you want to spend the rest of your life with her.

 

 

Even if you feel or say those things very early on, maintain your sense of self confidence. If the girl perceives you to be a doormat, she will walk all over you & right out of your life.

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