Broke up with girlfriend, extreme doubts.

[disclosure]

I [22/m] broke up with my girlfriend /[20/f] about 2 weeks ago and am having extreme doubts. I had something crazy long typed out, describing all of the reasons for my breakup and asking if I made the right decision. But it was wayyy too long and a lot of it was me just getting everything out there and I can't expect anyone to read that. But upon reading it over, I can sum it up by saying a lot of the main issues I have with her are due to her insecurity/immaturity. I feel like these things could change with time. I also feel there are ways I could have helped with her insecurity by showing her more attention as she had stated she wasn't really sure where I stood, and I tend to be a very private person but have recently started learning to open up.

 

We are both going through difficult times in our lives right now, she is struggling with depression and feels she has no one. She took the break up horribly, relentless texts afterward some "I miss you so much.." "I have never loved somebody as much as I love you" "I need you.." which turned to "I ****ing hate you, how could you do this to me". She has since apologized for that. But I have read that she has been "drinking the pain away" and turning to MDMA. We are both extremely lonely right now and I am struggling with anxiety myself. We could really use eachother in our lives, but unless these things change I don't really see a future with her. But part of me feels like I have realised areas that I could have been better for her, and if I become more supportive most of these issues will change. I broke up with her though because I felt it would be unfair to wait for these changes to happen and if they never did then I would feel as though I have strung her along which I know is unfair to her. Another reason was because I felt like we need to learn to be happy on our own, but I don't really know if being miserable for a year plus by ourselves is the answer when just having someone in your corner would speed up the process so much faster. But I am also worried I am giving up on something that could be amazing.

 

I should add that the same feelings came over me about a month and a half ago, tried to break things off then, but felt too strongly for her still and ended up getting back together. Basically, I am unsure if the feelings I am having right now are due to loneliness, guilt, or love. And am I right in thinking that it is wrong to be with someone who although causes you great happiness at the time, you cannot really see a future with her unless certain things change? I am scared to stay in this relationship, have nothing improve, and have even more heart break in the future. Especially after seeing/experiencing how hard it is now..And at the same time, this is my first relationship and I have read the "G.I.G.S" post, and worry that this may occur once we finally do get our lives straightened out.

 

Thank you to anyone who reads this and I appreciate any advice! Posted this in "Coping" accidently and realised it was the wrong section so maybe someone could delete that thread? Sorry.

Edited December 19, 2013 by disclosure

[Mariposa10]

I would not try to get back together right now. You guys already broke up and got back together.

 

I think you just answered your own questions. You need to be able to be happy on your own. You two are super young.

 

If it's mean to be, it'll happen in the future. But it looks like she has a lot work to to own her own. You also have some stuff to work on (I'm like you and currently working on being able to open up to people and talk about my emotions). I would advise for you two to work on those issues together if you were married/had children, etc. But you guys are too young and need to go through this alone.

 

Do not give in and out of guilt get back together, it's not fair to her. You two don't deserve to have the same failed relationship again.

 

This time apart will help you clear your mind and really know if you really want a relationship.

[Poppyolive]

DISCLOSURE

 

 

I am going to throw you a lot here, to open up your thought process....and hopefully it helps.

 

Firstly, it sounds like you've got your head on your shoulders, and its great you've come here to let it out and seek out advise. People are awesome and inspiring here.

 

Can i ask how old you both are?

how long have you been in this relationship?

Put the not so good things aside, do you both connect, have fun, are in love, happy with each other...? List the good and the bad...i don't need to know them.

 

So your main issues are insecurity and immaturity, which you feel you could have helped if she had known where you stood. I get that, for her to feel insecure in the relationship is a difficult place to be, as you are letting off signs thats she's picking up on.... also her feeling insecure within the relationship is valid, as you did finish the relationship once, got back together and finished it again now...and are questioning if you've made a mistake. Of course she is in a crappy place and feels insecure. YOu are dangling this relationship in front of her. Now I'm not coming down on you here..I'm just laying out the picture as best i can from what i read above....

 

You too are in a place of turmoil, and i feel for you. Put both sides together, one is uncertain and giving off those signs, the other is sensing the uncertainty and is not confident about their relationship....you will clash if there is no sit down heart to heart..it will fail...Now it seems to be you are still uncertain about your uncertainty....this is your issue and until you've got your head around that, your lady ex will not be of help, you cannot expect her to be, as you will hurt her more. Going to her right now, she may beg, promise to change....but the issue is in fact yours. The immaturity, is it really bad, you will need to give some details there?. I suggest sleeping on it, making a list of pros and cons...give her space until you've got clarity...you will get help here....so relax and take it all in..

 

You tend to be a really private person, but you've recently started opening up, In a relationship, it takes two, both need to know where each is at, honesty, communication and check ins are a must. If you have been keeping it all in, she is only left to guess where you are at....she may be guessing correctly or worse....thus making her feel insecure and a whole whack of other emotions. Again there needs to be open communication in order for a relationship to succeed and flourish.

 

Immaturity, again age is important here and what sort of things is she doing or not doing that are immature in your eyes? How does she feel about the relationship? what are things she would like to work on for you together and for herself.

 

So you love this lady, but you feel that these things above (immaturity and insecurity) are too big right now that it may or may not improve...right? I agree, you don't want to jump back in, waste another few months, year and there is no change...that would suck. But you also are not ready to let go of something that can be amazing....I feel you. And with all the advise, at the end of the day, it is your feelings, your heart, your mind and your decision. Don't let guilt or her drinking away the pain be the force to draw you back because you will hurt her more and hurt yourself too.

 

You are having struggles right now and anxiety...you need to open up that and begin working through it.

She is struggling with depression, she will need to open that up and begin working through it. I think some therapy separately would be beneficial. YOu can't help each other here, both are unwell, leaning on each other now will break you both down. She cannot help you, and you cannot help here....right now.

 

You both feel lonely..is that just since you split?

You realize you could of made some changes and been more supportive, that is good you are taking this time to analyze your place in the relationship. People are forever trying to be the best versions of themselves, no one is perfect. What are the more supportive things you could of done?

 

 

One thing, these constant breakups are soul destroying and towing with emotions, take time to figure yourself..

 

Learning to be happy, happiness is found within and should never be placed on another, sure a loved one can contribute to your happiness, but it has to come from within and for her too. What things make you happy? do you have goals? hobbies? dreams? these are your things, she too should have her own, separate from the relationship....you can both shotgun front seats in each others lives, goals and dreams.

 

If you are happy right now in the relationship but you cannot see a future, then remain broken up, give her space to heal and move on and give yourself that space to heal and move on.

 

If you get back together and settle you are afraid GIGS may pop up down the road...which suggests that, this is where you are at right now....you are in a place, where something you have is lovely and wonderful and will need improving or you can scrap that, venture solo until you find new grass...that will also need improving.....relationships will always need improving....again its a tricky place for you to be and i hope you take the time to find in your heart your answers, cos all the advise in the world will not help you, its your decision.

 

You are afraid to get back together, things won't change and time wasting and you are still unhappy.....here's where i have my own personal advise to share. I had an amazing relationship (just ended) with a wonderful man, he had slight issues with drinking, didn't suit his mind....for a long time, i put forward my annoyances, sadness and hurt to him in regards to this, he promised change, begged, apologized, Ill be better, i just need more time....he never did and ended it out of the blue. It was too much for him to change...and i know when he is in a new love, these will be issues again when the honeymoon period is over, she may not have as much patience or forgiveness like i did...and he will realize he has to fix and change or run....and only then will look back on our 5 years and think ****...i could of changed then....but i think he will keep running until he hits rock bottom. So my advise to you, Your lady is mirroring your unhappiness back to you, she is showing you things within yourself you don't like or are unhappy about..... you can remain with your lady, communicate, try, fix, heal, learn, grow or run.....but you will meet it again somewhere new...down the line. if you do decide to try again, you need to both be extremely honest, suggest things to work on, change, each of you will contribute to this new relationship and you both have to work hard at it, you also need to work on your own happiness, anxiety, goals, dreams and what it takes to become the best version of you. Place a time on it....6 months say....if nothings changed, chat and walk away.

[Poppyolive]

ooops you didn't have your ages mentioned in the other post...

[disclosure]

First off, thank you both so much for your replies. I was not expecting that.

 

I did make a list of things that led to the break up, was going to post it/really want to, but am worried it may be too personal. But I have a hard time figuring out if this is just her personality or if it is insecurity/immaturity (on both our parts). But this is where the problem comes in. I feel like if it is insecurity/immaturity a lot of these will change with time. But I am really struggling with the fact that if she stays the way she is now, I know things will not get better. Am I an ass for expecting/hoping/thinking someone could/should change? I broke up with her for that reason, thinking it wasn't right for me to stay with someone hoping they'll change into what I view as the perfect person. But what is "perfect", is anybody going to be "perfect" for anybody? Of course not. I'm sure she has things about me that she doesn't find attractive. I'm sure every relationship is like this. And I feel like couples work together to change these things. But I worry that these are things that are unlikely to change.

 

But ****, we get along so well, she is one of the most thoughtful people I know. We don't really argue all that much tbh, especially considering how rough this year has been for both of us. We get eachother, and I feel we compliment each other very well. Like I could be that person that lightly squeezes her leg when she is about to say something too harsh. She could be the person to give me pep talks when I don't stand up for myself. Yaknow? And we are both going through hard times right now, her suffering from depression, me from anxiety, and we are both in the same place of not knowing what we want to do. I feel like we could really use each other right now. But then what happens if 6 months or a year down the line we end up in different places or nothing changes. I fear so much more damage will occur, especially given how hard it has been on both of us right now, and given her fragile state.

 

To be honest, I do feel a tremendous amount of guilt. The way I handled the break up(s) was terrible. Went away to look for work, she told me she was incredibly lonely and now that I will be looking for a job she has no one. That is when these feelings first popped up, where being unsure at that point was not fair to her while she would be sitting at home "waiting for me" to come back from work. I tried to tell her the first time that I needed time to myself to figure out what I truly wanted, and we needed to learn to be happy with ourselves before we were in a relationship. I cared about her too much and a week later was back with her.

 

That obviously ****ed with her emotions/mentally and probably made her more unsure/insecure. Those feelings went away briefly for me, we had our year anniversary where I bought her a diamond (relatively inexpensive as far as diamonds go) necklace. Then pretty much a week after those feelings came up again, like "what am I doing, this is my first relationship…I am still unsure after 1 year, is this right?" I was extremely distant the following week, she sensed something was up. We got into an argument, and 2 days later I went to her house to break things off. Sat in my car outside of her house for awhile, walked inside saw that she was upset and couldn't do it. Instead, I tried turning it into a speech of "we need to work on ourselves right now, I'm going to see someone I think you should too". The intent was there, but it came off poorly and I left leaving us both still upset. Didn't sleep that night, and the following day is when I broke things off. I had no idea what I was doing at that point. I was confused and my mind was a mess. I didn't want to hurt her anymore/mess with her emotions, and unfortunately I feel I made it way worse.

 

My guilt stems from that. She is now probably more broken than ever before. A year anniversary, my sudden feelings of doubt, a talk to improve things, and then I suddenly end it? What the **** was I thinking. I thought I was doing the right thing and I was being smart. I was just so confused with my feelings, it came off in such a terrible way. I literally feel like I destroyed her. Now I have learned from my mistakes and not only feel the need to at least fix them and apologize, but have honestly started seeing where I went wrong and thinking maybe I can save this relationship and we can work on it together. But I know the next time I reach out to her, I need to know what I want and stand by it. I can't be full of uncertainty anymore, that will only cause her more pain.

 

But even typing all of this, I need to remember those reasons I broke up with her in the first place (both times). If these things don't change, and given that the biggest one may just be a personality thing and my "G.I.G.S", I don't know if she is right for me. And even though I'd say "I love you", I don't know if I truly do. But then again, I don't even know what that is. I care about her more than anything, tbh more than myself right now and I want nothing but the best for her. I would do anything to help her in any situation. Honestly right now just thinking about good things to type about her has put a smile on my face. Is that love or just a year of attachment? I don't know.

Edited December 19, 2013 by disclosure

[Poppyolive]

Take some time for you. Blabber on and write yo get it all out. Your answer will come, its in there. I feel for you its a tough place to be. I think right now you need to give her space, don't reach out, shes hurting & healing. ..don't disturb that.