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How do you deal with time constraints for connecting and your feelings?

blue963

By blue963
in The Other Man / Woman

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blue963 Established Member

blue963

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I struggle so much with contact. For instance today I know that he worked 12 hours. (very emotionally draining job). Had some brief time for connection today. Yet I vascillate between understanding that he's plain tired (& has had bad tooth ache for a week) and feeling taken for granted since I haven't heard from him since 1:30. I guess what it comes down to is that I just wanted to get an email that I was thought about and missed. And then reality sets in and tells me I am being petty.

 

Do others have these feelings or am I just making it difficult on myself? How do you resolve these feelings?

Cinnimon Established Member

Cinnimon

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It's hard as you have so little time as it is. :(

happy stillmore Established Member

happy stillmore

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Blue,

I remember feeling that way and it drove me crazy. It just reminded me of the constraints of our relationship. It frustrated me to no end. I try to think of that feeling whenever I am missing xMM. That is one of the reasons I ended the relationship.

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blue963 Established Member

blue963

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That is the only reason. If we were both available, i think we would mesh well. But this makes it so difficult for me. Even though the last thing he said was Ill be thinking about you.....it isnt enough. And I wonder, what is it in ME that is so needy?

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happy stillmore Established Member

happy stillmore

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Blue,

You are right on when you say his saying "I'll be thinking of you" is not enough. It is not enough. We are wishing our lives away. Exactly the opposite of what attracted me to him. He said he was ready to start living his life. Blah blah

 

I don't think wanting love from someone you love is being needy. It is a human need, LOVE. I remember after one of our spats over my frustration with the constraints, I told him I guess I was asking for too much. He told me no, I wasn't. In reality, I know I wasnt either. He just was not able to do it.

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Popsicle Established Member

Popsicle

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You haven't heard from him in 8 hours? Yes, you are being petty.

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Cocochai Established Member

Cocochai

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It's true that when a person truly wants to reach out to you, unless they are truly sick or on their dying bed they will make the time to reach out or be with you.

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Cinnimon Established Member

Cinnimon

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It's true that when a person truly wants to reach out to you, unless they are truly sick or on their dying bed they will make the time to reach out or be with you.

 

RIGHT!!! And this is why NC is so hard !!!

experiencethedevine Established Member

experiencethedevine

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That is the only reason. If we were both available, i think we would mesh well. But this makes it so difficult for me. Even though the last thing he said was Ill be thinking about you.....it isnt enough. And I wonder, what is it in ME that is so needy?[/QUOTE]

 

 

Perhaps this is something you could explore with the right guidance, it might prove very useful as a coping tool and offer some insight into what you are doing in this situation at the moment.

 

 

Do you have someone you could openly and honestly discuss this with?

heylovey22 Member

heylovey22

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I struggle with this daily.

 

My MM went from 5am texts, contact throughout the day, phones calls sometimes... "goodmorning/goodnights"... to hardly anything. I am having such a hard time with it.

 

He moved (laterally) within his company and so it's pretty much a brand new job and he says he's very busy and that's why. But in my opinion, it takes 5 seconds to send a text, a minute to call. I will say that I do not sit around and wait for him, but it's always in the back of my mind and it's tough.

 

I did confront him once, last week. I had said "So I guess there's no room for me anymore... No more goodmorning/goodnight texts, we haven't had lunch/dinner in a month, etc." and his response was "I'm disappointed in you. I have to keep reassuring you... I'm up at 430am everyday and going until 10pm. I want to spend time with you it's just so hard. I'm already so stressed and you're adding to it."

 

I'm not sure anything has broken my heart like those words in a while. I've been hurt since, crying over that. I've never wanted to do anything but take stress AWAY.

 

It's tough, I wish I knew what to tell you but all I can give you is my story of dealing with the same thing.

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Speakingofwhich Established Member

Speakingofwhich

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That is the only reason. If we were both available, i think we would mesh well. But this makes it so difficult for me. Even though the last thing he said was Ill be thinking about you.....it isnt enough. And I wonder, what is it in ME that is so needy?

 

I don't think you're so needy, blue. In any R I've ever been in I've heard from the man (at least via phone calls) every few hours on average. These were with very busy men. I'm sure the need for contact varies from person to person, though.

 

I'd have a difficult time being in an R with a man who regularly went 8-12 hours without contacting me.

 

Now that I think about it, though, I was in an R for a short time with a man who didn't contact me often. I broke it off early on solely because of this. I knew I'd never be happy with his lack of need for connecting frequently with me.

Quiet Storm Established Member

Quiet Storm

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It's all comes down to action vs. words. "Thinking of you" doesn't demonstrate or show love- it's just a statement. Anyone can speak the words "I love you". A much stronger indicator of love is how it is demonstrated (loving actions).

 

It is similar to a situation that happened with someone I know, between her & her father.

 

Her father was in prison from the time she was about 10-20. Her parents were not together, but her mom allowed her to accept his phone calls & letters.

 

After the first year, the phone calls & letters stopped coming. She already felt abandoned by her father, and as the contact waned, she felt unloved, unimportant & forgotten about. She had enjoyed reading his letters & telling him about school, friends, etc. Although he was away, that contact had kept their connection alive. The absence of it was devastating to her.

 

When her father got out, she was a 20 YO college student. She struggled with abandonment issues & self worth. She had bad relationships and poor coping skills.

 

He told her "I thought about you every day. I bragged about you to the other guys. I had your picture by my pillow. I imagined how great of a life you were living. I love you so much. I never stopped loving you".

 

Did the knowledge that her father had thought of her daily for years help? Did his love enhance her life? Did his pride in her build her confidence? Did his dreams for her life provide her with encouragement?

 

No. While he was loving her, she was feeling lost, abandoned & confused. While he was thinking about her every day, she was just trying to cope. While he was bragging about her, she was crying in her pillow wondering why he stopped loving her. While he was imagining all of her accomplishments & talents, she was struggling with school. Giving up sports in order to work & help her single mom pay bills. Wondering why she wasn't good enough or important enough for a phone call or a letter.

 

It's not enough to know that you are in someone's thoughts. It's not enough to know you are in their heart. Those words will just make you confused if the actions aren't matching up.

 

It's a selfish way of loving someone. Love isn't just about how you feel & how much you think about a person. It's so much more. Love is a two way street. It's consideration for how that person feels. It's caring about that person's well being. It's having that person's best interests at heart. It's sharing, laughing, experiencing.

 

If love isn't demonstrated and only talked about, it is meaningless, IMO. It may mean something to the person proclaiming the love...but they don't really know how to love someone. They are only viewing it from their perspective, and the other side of love (the object of their "affection") is missing. Where is the compassion? The care & consideration? The sustenance? The nurturing?

 

Love can't thrive on words, wishes or hopes.

Edited by Quiet Storm
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todreaminblue Established Member

todreaminblue

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It's all comes down to action vs. words. "Thinking of you" doesn't demonstrate or show love- it's just a statement. Anyone can speak the words "I love you". A much stronger indicator of love is how it is demonstrated (loving actions).

 

 

Love can't thrive on words, wishes or hopes.

 

 

 

this is so true wanted to repeat the whole thing.........

 

“Because, if you could love someone, and keep loving them, without being loved back . . . then that love had to be real. It hurt too much to be anything else.”

 

 

loving someone in spite of the fact they dont love you ...is when you really feel loves true effect......the pain of it.....you can only express it in total consideration of the others feelings...with simple gestures that are non threatening.........actually makes you susceptible to hyper sensitivity concerning that person.from experience..you have to put aside what you feel and nurture and respect the person who does not feel the same for you.....its hard.......and when they are hostile....takes every bit of endurance you have.....there has to be a time enough is enough.....love should be given not have to be proven or judged...love should always also ....be accepted and appreciated not questioned or made feel inferior......hope is what i consider love to be part of..it is natural...beautiful.....priceless...its why if someone tells me they love me i feel uncomfortable because i dont want to hurt anyone.....not that way..........my two cents.......that i cant buy a red snake with...i need a donation:bunny::bunny::bunny: ill sell my rabbits for a red snake......deb

Edited by todreaminblue
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blue963 Established Member

blue963

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Dont get me wrong, he does many things to show that he cares and loves me. He is always observant of what is going on in my life to support me. Always concerned how my kids are, how my day was, etc. My question was how do you deal with the times when you dont get to connect with the frequency that you would like. Sometimes life get in the way and when you dont live with that person its hit and miss.

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Baby123 Established Member

Baby123

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Quiet storm- what a great post. I am saving it for my own future reference- thanks.

Quiet Storm Established Member

Quiet Storm

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Dont get me wrong, he does many things to show that he cares and loves me. He is always observant of what is going on in my life to support me. Always concerned how my kids are, how my day was, etc. My question was how do you deal with the times when you dont get to connect with the frequency that you would like. Sometimes life get in the way and when you dont live with that person its hit and miss.

 

Your first post gave me the impression that you felt that he should still make an effort, regardless of what is going on. Then you reprimand yourself... wait I'm being too petty.

 

Do you want too much? No...you want what you want. You need what you need. The problem is not your needs... it's that the person you picked is not a good candidate to meet your needs. So instead of finding someone that can meet your needs, you are rationalizing...I shouldn't really need this. I'm being petty. He's busy. He works too hard. He has a toothache.

 

Think about it. If you are busy at work...how long does it take to send a quick email? If you have a toothache, does that make you ignore those you love? (it doesn't hurt bad enough to keep him home from work, does it?)

 

It sounds like you are feeling marginalized and unimportant. How do you deal with it?

 

You are dealing with it now by using coping skills. The skills you are using are rationalization & justification (telling yourself that you are being petty and making excuses for him). You are trying to make this OK in your head- because it hurts too much to think that you are not as important to him as he is to you. These are coping skills that we learn in childhood. They help us to stay sane in situations that we have no control over. This is how lots of people deal with their problems. I don't think it is a healthy coping skill in adulthood, because we have control over our lives now. But it works for awhile.

 

Healthy coping skills are keeping yourself busy, surrounding yourself with your family & friends, reading, exercising, enjoying your children, cooking, etc. Basically anything positive & contructive that allows you to change your focus. Find joy in other things, so that his actions (or lack thereof) are not in the forefront of your mind.

 

You accept the relationship & it's contraints. You tolerate it and cope with it the best you can until you realize that you are selling yourself short & deserve more.

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Daisy2013 Established Member

Daisy2013

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In our R, he set the pace. I knew he would call 2x per week on his way to work and I would see him for a bit usually on Fridays. I learned not to expect much. I didn't call ever, unless we planned for me to, and that would be his direct no. to work to let him know I was leaving my work so we could meet. I set boundaries with myself to never call or demand or ask for anything.

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