browneyed Posted December 19, 2013 Posted December 19, 2013 I've lurked here for a long time and haven't written much. Quick synopsis, I was the OW, D-day was 9 months ago after a 7 month A. Dday was dramatic with BS and PIs confronting us hand in hand in public after having followed us. As typical MM said he needed space to figure things out and went NC. He never told me he was going NC, I had to figure that out on my own. I left him alone and worked on moving on, therapy and all. He hasn't broken NC and neither have I. Out of the blue BS calls me yesterday. She tried twice, blocking her number both times. I had no idea it was her trying to call...never crossed my mind since she never has before. She gave me this very brief message saying she wanted to wish me a Merry Christmas, that I've brought immeasurable joy this year and it would be wrong not to wish me a Merry Christmas, and she hung up. That was it. I have no idea if she was trying to say HA HA, I have him and things are fantastic, or thanks for making this a miserable year, trying to make me mad....not sure at all what I was supposed to get from it. Anyone have any ideas why after all this time would she contact me? What was the point of her message? What was she trying to accomplish? I'm no longer in contact with MM and don't wish to be. I've left them alone. I don't plan on doing anything about this message, just keep moving forward. But I wish I understood the point of this especially when I can't figure out what provoked it after this much time.
happy stillmore Posted December 19, 2013 Posted December 19, 2013 Browneyed, My first reaction to reading your post is that she was happy that you ended the A with XMM. But, that could be me projecting my situation into your situation. The BS begged xMM to stay and was willing to forgive everything xMM did. I ended the A and I'm sure she is making this the best Christmas ever (as I hope they do.) But, then I read it again and I can see how it could be taken as sarcastic. Really, why would she call you like that? Even if she found it in her heart to wish you a sincere Merry Christmas, I would think she would know it is awkward to call you. She may be gloating. I'm sorry. I didn't really answer your question. I would ignore the message. I wouldn't touch that hornets nest. 1
Author browneyed Posted December 19, 2013 Author Posted December 19, 2013 The BS in this situation also wanted the xMM to stay. MM was ready to get out and had already spoken to an attorney and had papers drafted (he showed them to me). She threatened after dday that if he left she would die, she already knew he wanted out. So he stayed. His choice. Her tone didn't seem sincere. It had a very sarcastic tone but I don't know if I mistook her sarcasm for witchy. So I don't know if she's gloating or angry at me for making it a bad year. I think if she had at all been trying to be sincere she would've identified herself. She made a point not to. I am going to ignore the message, not going anywhere near this don't want anymore drama. Just wish I knew what provoked it so I could potentially prepare if she tries to contact me again. I never thought she would after this long. 1
vanellope Posted December 19, 2013 Posted December 19, 2013 She gave me this very brief message saying she wanted to wish me a Merry Christmas, that I've brought immeasurable joy this year and it would be wrong not to wish me a Merry Christmas, and she hung up. i don't like what she said "immeasurable joy this year", it's not true what she think. if she really wish you happiness, she should not bother you again after this long time becasue she know nobody want to remember this "joy". your post remind me that after the Dday with the married man half year ago, this wife send me a message, "I wish you have a nice day with my husband".
happy stillmore Posted December 19, 2013 Posted December 19, 2013 It is highly likely the BS is angry because her marriage is broken. No matter what, their marriage will never be the same. She is angry that her husband desired someone instead of her. He may be there physically but is emotionally absent because he is still wanting you. Just a thought. 2
vanellope Posted December 19, 2013 Posted December 19, 2013 The BS in this situation also wanted the xMM to stay. MM was ready to get out and had already spoken to an attorney and had papers drafted (he showed them to me). She threatened after dday that if he left she would die, she already knew he wanted out. So he stayed. His choice. Her tone didn't seem sincere. It had a very sarcastic tone but I don't know if I mistook her sarcasm for witchy. So I don't know if she's gloating or angry at me for making it a bad year. I think if she had at all been trying to be sincere she would've identified herself. She made a point not to. I am going to ignore the message, not going anywhere near this don't want anymore drama. Just wish I knew what provoked it so I could potentially prepare if she tries to contact me again. I never thought she would after this long. some BSs tend to blame OW for destroy their relationship with their husband, instead of admit their marriage already failure before the man met us. 3
Author browneyed Posted December 19, 2013 Author Posted December 19, 2013 I can understand her being angry. It's a hard thing to get over and move past. I imagine their relationship is still broken. But they are both choosing to stay there, I have nothing to do with that choice and I have respected their space. My own opinion is he's there out of obligation and guilt, but that is still his choice. I just feel that if she was truly happy she wouldn't give me a second thought. If she was really angry why let me know that? I know it's easiest to blame me. Still odd though. If he has any emotional attachment to me, I don't know anything about it. He's stuck to NC. Given all the stories I read here of broken NC that actually surprises me. I wondered for a long time why he's the one MM who actually sticks to it. But it's really for the best for everyone involved if he's going to stay put.
vanellope Posted December 19, 2013 Posted December 19, 2013 (edited) It is highly likely the BS is angry because her marriage is broken. No matter what, their marriage will never be the same. She is angry that her husband desired someone instead of her. He may be there physically but is emotionally absent because he is still wanting you. Just a thought. that's true. I have an example here, one day I got messages from the wife, the content is all about blame me, how bad woman i am. I just ignore it becasue i never want to have any contact with this woman. at the same day, the married man told me that his wife was crazy that day, becasue she want sex but he reject her, and she is very angry. my conclusion here, she feel bad and she simple want you don't have good life too. Edited December 19, 2013 by vanellope 1
Author browneyed Posted December 19, 2013 Author Posted December 19, 2013 (edited) He was on an free online dating site posing as a single. I didn't know he was married. I found out on my own after 7 weeks of dating him. When I confronted him he told me he was trying to get out and had the paperwork to show it. My heart was involved at that point and I let my heart decide and not my head. I never would've gotten involved if I'd known from the beginning. I do understand her hurt because I have imagined myself in her shoes and how devastating that would be. There were no children involved. One of the big sticking points in their marriage actually. He desperately wants to be a father, she said she would have kids then changed her mind, then fate changed her health and made it impossible. She won't consider any other means of having kids either. Edited December 19, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 1
blue963 Posted December 19, 2013 Posted December 19, 2013 can you block her number with the phone provider?
Author browneyed Posted December 19, 2013 Author Posted December 19, 2013 I actually don't know her number. She called me in the middle of the afternoon and may have called me from work. She blocked her number though so it showed up as Restricted on my phone. I can't block those, but I don't have to answer them from here on out.
happy stillmore Posted December 19, 2013 Posted December 19, 2013 Tell it like it is, I don't understand your post. It doesn't make sense to me. Browneyes, is doing the right thing. Don't judge her. She is here for support. You are not helping her. 3
Journee Posted December 19, 2013 Posted December 19, 2013 I bet she is just very angry and hurt that she can't find enough places to put the pain. It almost maddening trying to stay focused and heal with so much turmoil inside. Heaving it at her husband, at herself, at life, at you. Too much to get rid of. I think you are making the right choice in not calling her back. She may come to regret that contact. You are in her head and she more than likely wants you out but can't figure out how to make it happen. So, she just went ahead and jumped. These situations are messy and make people messes too. The simple theory is she is in pain. Sometimes pain manifests as anger. 4
blue963 Posted December 19, 2013 Posted December 19, 2013 I really dont think anyone would have an affair unless there are already problems in the relationships. 3
happy stillmore Posted December 19, 2013 Posted December 19, 2013 I really dont think anyone would have an affair unless there are already problems in the relationships. BS tend to think the OW has magical powers to seduce their otherwise faithful husbands. It is obvious if the MM/MW is in a A, that at least half of the marriage is broken. 5
Raena Posted December 19, 2013 Posted December 19, 2013 Well, it looks like this post got off track onto the age old question of "oh why oh why would any woman sleep with a married(or in a committed relationship) man?" I don't think this line of discussion is really relevant to the question. I had the same questions too tellitlikeitis... but there are other threads that address this issue... in detail... go read them... it will open your eyes to why men (and woman) lie about the status of their relationships to the OW/OM. Anyhow, back to the question. This may sound like it's completely crazy and I could be way off the mark, but my very first though after reading this was... hey, maybe she really is thanking you for it. I mean, 9 months later, maybe she has moved on and found someone else who actually respects her and is honest with her? I don't know. It's probably not the case, but it was what I was thinking. I can tell you that the only reason why I would say such a thing to the OW in my situation is if that's what happened to me. It's what I hope happens honestly. I don't think any woman deserves to be with a man who has no respect for her or their relationship and I feel pretty strongly that I deserve to be with someone who actually loves me and would be faithful. Ever hear that song "Unanswered Prayers" by Garth Brooks? It makes me think of that song... when my ex cheated, it forced me to end the relationship and it opened up the door for me to find someone who loves me and is better for me that he ever was. If that does end up happening then I would actually feel like I should thank the OW for being there to help cause the end of my relationship with him. Of course... by that time I don't think I would actually bother to contact her to say such a thing. The reality is probably more likely that it's a bitter pill she's had to swallow and she hasn't forgiven either of you for what happened. 1
Pastypop Posted December 19, 2013 Posted December 19, 2013 Just change your phone number. It's fairly cheap and a great piece of mind. The phone company will assign it to someone else in 60 days. Let her call that person and leave her rude messages instead. Maybe the new owner of your old phone number will turn her over to phone company for harassment. That would sure embarrass her. Who knows how many times she's going to do this kind of thing. 1
vanellope Posted December 19, 2013 Posted December 19, 2013 Just change your phone number. It's fairly cheap and a great piece of mind. The phone company will assign it to someone else in 60 days. Let her call that person and leave her rude messages instead. Maybe the new owner of your old phone number will turn her over to phone company for harassment. That would sure embarrass her. Who knows how many times she's going to do this kind of thing. I don't think change phone number is a good way. the number might use long time already and change it make a lot of inconvenient. just no response. live better, happier, just pity her. 1
Popsicle Posted December 19, 2013 Posted December 19, 2013 I interpret it as sarcasm. I seriously doubt she was gloating or sincerely thanking you. She just wants you to feel some of the pain she is feeling. No response is the correct way to handle it. 1
road Posted December 19, 2013 Posted December 19, 2013 I am going to ignore the message, not going anywhere near this don't want anymore drama. Just wish I knew what provoked it so I could potentially prepare if she tries to contact me again. I never thought she would after this long. You had no problem letting the WH use parts of your body. Numerous times. For seven months. Though as Mark Anthony ask: lend me your ears. You could not let this BW use your ears? Even for seven minutes? People always willing to do the crime. Though never do the time.
Author browneyed Posted December 19, 2013 Author Posted December 19, 2013 I understand her healing time will be longer than mine and that it will take much more time for them to deal with and get past this then it will for me. I just didn't understand the random contact from her 9 months later when she has never attempted to contact me before. I'm willing to talk to her, if she wants to actually have a conversation. She ended the last conversation by hanging up, I didn't end it. I won't avoid her if she wants to talk. If she just wants to be angry and mean then I would tend to not entertain that as I don't really think it's beneficial to anyone. I chose to ignore the message and not do anything about it because I think making an issue out of this wouldn't do anyone any good. There's been no contact for months, why trudge any of this up. Best to leave it alone in my opinion. 2
cozycottagelg Posted December 19, 2013 Posted December 19, 2013 I think you have made the right decision not to call back. My initial thought was that maybe her husband has been distant, and she is calling to see if you will reach out to him, and maybe she wants to "catch" you two, again. Obviously that won't happen since you've stuck to NC... You seem like you have a really great head on your shoulders. Sticking to NC must be extremely hard.
Sub Posted December 19, 2013 Posted December 19, 2013 Just speaking from my experience: I didn't contact the OM right after D-Day. There were a lot of reasons. I was focused on my wife and family....I had just started a new job and didn't want the potential extra drama that contacting him would have brought....I didn't feel he was worth my time....I was honestly afraid of what he might disclose to me. However, I did get the itch a year and a half down the line to contact him. I didn't act on it, but the urge was there. I can only assume it was because I was in a place where I had dealt with everything else in regards to my wife, our R, and moving forward as a family. That part of it had been confronted, and I was in a good place. Unfortunately, it just left my feelings for the OM, which I hadn't maybe processed, as the last vestige of unresolved anger/pain. It may be what she's dealing with. Just my two cents. 1
experiencethedevine Posted December 19, 2013 Posted December 19, 2013 You appear to be level headed enough to know what to do, and by not responding to this woman you are being both respectful and disciplined. Yes, she is in pain, yes you had your part to play in her anguish and it is likely that this was a one off, while, as other posters have alluded to, feeling pretty shi**y about the whole sordid saga, so it is probable that she will kick herself for doing it later, and you and she will carry on doing what you're doing in your own lives. Don't put too much store by it and don't get over dramatic about it. It probably isn't going to happen again. If it ever does, simply tell her to buzz off, you're living your own life happily thankyou, and change your number.
Author browneyed Posted December 19, 2013 Author Posted December 19, 2013 Cozy - I have wondered that also. I wondered if she was somehow baiting me to see if I'd reach out to him. It briefly crossed my mind to ask him to please have her leave me alone, but I don't want to contact him and I figured there really was no point. Sticking to NC is very hard, but it's gotten much easier over the months. He made it pretty clear that he didn't want to be in touch with me by sticking to it also. I got the message and left him alone. He clearly chose her and rejected me, that was incredibly painful after everything I'd been told and believed. Also given the way he completely disregarded me after dday and left with little said to me as if I'd meant nothing to him was hard to deal with. I am not going to try and convince anyone to be with me. Experience - Thank you. My gut reaction was that she was upset and it did make me feel bad to know that she was angry enough/upset enough whatever to actually contact me. I don't know what is going on there and it's none of my business, so I don’t know what triggered this. I was surprised as I didn't expect this type of thing from her and I can see her regreting it. I don't believe it will happen again which is why I'm leaving it alone. This situation has hurt everyone involved and it was horrible and I don’t think anyone involved would like to rehash it or relive it. Contacting either of them would just create drama where its completely unnecessary. I just know that I was doing very well until this reminder popped up and put it in the forefront of my mind. I'm trying to push it to the back again and forget about it. 2
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