You need to watch this

[SarahJames]

I don't know how many of you saw the Dr. phil episode that aired on tuesday (you can find it online). It really hit close to home for me.

 

It's about a husband who cheated on his wife by finding women online. Some of them were hookers, some not, and he even went as far as secretly video taping his sexual encounters without the women knowing. Whats more, is that he didn't even always use protection. Here you have this woman who is devoted to being a wife, mother, and this "man" who chooses to betray her in the most degrading way.

 

I feel that this episode raised more questions than answers as to what's wrong with this guy. It brings up the topic of sexual addiction - is that even a real diagnosis? It mentioned sociopthic and psychopathic behaviors on his part - so are some of these MM socipaths? Are they just flat out selfish, or does it go beyond that?

 

Why am I choosing to post this HERE? Well, I'm an ex-OW and I can say that I have had a hard time wrapping my head around what really goes on in these MM's head. Some of them cheat, and feel guilty. Some cheat and have plans to divorce. Some actually do divorce. But some, some cheat as a means to "supplement" their marriage and don't see anything wrong with it until they're caught. My goal here is to bring awareness to other women that these types of "men" exist. Really ask yourself whether this MM is capable of having similar tendencies. Are/were you really the only OW? How true were the sweet-nothings he said to you? Were they even actual feelings, or were they a means to keep you around? It's really scary to imagine that these people exist - people with sociopathic tendences who feel no remorse, no empathy, and have a huge sense of entitlement. Get out while you can. Don't look back. And if you feel tempted to contact him, DON'T. All the best to any OW currently going through the "withdrawal", or NC, process right now. May we have the strength to stay away from what has been bringing us down.

Edited December 18, 2013 by SarahJames

[lilmisscantbewrong]

I think it is very normal to question these things, especially when you have been the one thrown under the bus. But, unfortunately, no amount of questioning or even getting the answers take away the pain. It might help you understand, but there is a process you have to go through - grieving. It is one of the hardest journeys I have ever been on.

 

 

Although I appreciate Wolverine's approach (I too would consider myself Christian), it didn't help in my situation and I am very leery of religion in general and certainly do not trust ANY pastor - probably not likely to in the future.

 

 

Labels are exactly that - labels. You have to get to the core of why something happened. You can label it "sin", "evil", etc., but if you don't know WHY, it is likely going to happen again. I had to get the root of the problem for me and although I guess you could call it sin, it was more that I had extreme emotional issues that hadn't been dealt with as a young child (molestation and abandonment - two big ones) - these were stuffed away through my teenage years, into my adulthood, during my young married life and having my children and raising them until they surfaced with a vengeance. I had to understand WHY before I could even begin dealing with repairing the damage I had done. And you know what? Christianity didn't have anything to do with bringing me back - my secular friends did because Christianity failed me and my family.

 

 

I am certain for some it is a lifeline and has been helpful community for support, but I can't ever trust it again - no way.

 

 

And the book "Torn Asunder" - I read it and so did my husband - there were things that we were able to take from it and learn and use but others just didn't apply to our situation. Even my husband, who was searching for something to compare to ours, said none of the books he read applied - and it was true - they didn't.

 

 

Anyway - I get what you are saying - my xmom has NPD - no question in my mind - I just wish I had seen it earlier. Oddly enough, I think my husband did. And xmom still "pretends" to be a Christian, but there has been news lately things haven't changed. I should have heeded warnings....

[moving2fast]

SarahJames, I read your post and thought about my situation and the things that I did with MM. He was taping things and sharing things(and I doubt his wife knew he was filming her or even sharing the videos with me), we were having group sex and experimenting with things, and his wife he told me didn't know about certain parts of his past. I realize how much this hurts the person he made promises and vows to.

 

 

I didn't really want to think about her, still have a hard time relating, but since I know she's been hurt by our actions, I'll just say I was extremely selfish and I think he was too. I think the both of us were only thinking about whatever was going on in that moment, meeting whatever need that needed to be filled. I don't think he loves me, I think he just was caught up in feelings. He didn't have to say he loved me, but I think it was like living an alternate reality, where he loves me as a person and what we did but is not "in love" with me. I think he still hasn't dealt with things from his past, and was kind of getting it out of his system or something with me, trying to deal with it in a way. I have yet to deal with things from my own. We both were like feeding each other poison, but it felt good. I still care for all of them.

 

 

I agree that I won't be starting up again. As much as I care for and about him, I'd rather he be with his family, with someone that really loves him, taking care of their child, than with me and all my issues. Talking to him again would just cause more problems for all of us.