Can't get my head around this...

[martin1988]

So me and my girlfriend have been doing long distance for a few months now, we know each other from years ago but hadn't seen each other for a long time before we hooked up again this year.

 

I think partly because we knew each other before it's been easy to fall into something pretty serious pretty fast. Spending all our weekends together and it started off amazing. She is genuinely the most attractive girl I've ever met, so strong, so interesting, so confident. MY dream girl.

 

Recently things haven't been so great though, we have been fighting out of nowhere. I won't drag out the details but it feels to me like she is starting fights out of nowhere - when she does she talks to me like I am nothing, and seems so angry. At the start we were so intimate but that seems to have disappeared, now she gets angry if I go to give her a hug.

 

It's a little complicated because she lost one of her parents back in June so is still dealing with that. But she freezes me out of communicating about it, just shuts down and says she doesn't want to talk.

 

We had a big blowout at the weekend and now are both taking a bit of time to see what we want.

 

The thing is she thinks I am smothering her with questions when she doesn't want to talk, I want to ask her why she is being so cold all of a sudden.

 

I can accept my part of the responsibility and want to meet half way, she accepts no part of the responsibility and doesn't want to talk about things. I don't know how we can move past it when she refuses to see the situation for what it is and instead blames me for everything.

 

 

I appreciate I've painted a very negative picture here but I really love this girl, I've never felt like this before and when things are good they are so good. I understand that losing her parent like she did has given her quite a few issues that she has to deal with. And I want to support her with that if this behaviour is temporary, but how can we reach a place where we are both happy in the relationship if we don't sit down and talk to try and meet half way?

 

 

Really confused right now

[flitzanu]

pay attention to her actions, not her words. if she's pushing you out of her life and keeping you at a distance, then it means she doesn't want to deal with "fixing" anything.

 

do you want to be with someone that's acting cold and treating you like that, or do you want to be with someone that is going to WANT to be around you?

[martin1988]

pay attention to her actions, not her words. if she's pushing you out of her life and keeping you at a distance, then it means she doesn't want to deal with "fixing" anything.

 

do you want to be with someone that's acting cold and treating you like that, or do you want to be with someone that is going to WANT to be around you?

 

I get that, the thing is there are times where I can see she genuinely is trying, and I know she would do anything for me. We have so much fun together when it is good.

 

I guess the real point is that I'm having hard seperating whether this situation can be put down to her grieving the loss of her parent and finding that hard to deal with, or whether this is just a glimpse of what our future relationship will be like.

 

I know there have been some key points recently like the parent's birthday, and my girlfriend has been under so much stress at work then it's not unthinkable that she could have reacted badly and taken stuff out on me because of that.

 

As it stands we have a bit of space and are both deciding what we want, I think I am going to pretty much let her decide whether she wants to make this work, and if she does I need to set a few boundaries of what I am prepared to put up with from her I guess, and then it's up to her whether she wants that or not.

[2fargone]

I get that, the thing is there are times where I can see she genuinely is trying, and I know she would do anything for me. We have so much fun together when it is good.

 

I guess the real point is that I'm having hard seperating whether this situation can be put down to her grieving the loss of her parent and finding that hard to deal with, or whether this is just a glimpse of what our future relationship will be like.

 

I know there have been some key points recently like the parent's birthday, and my girlfriend has been under so much stress at work then it's not unthinkable that she could have reacted badly and taken stuff out on me because of that.

 

As it stands we have a bit of space and are both deciding what we want, I think I am going to pretty much let her decide whether she wants to make this work, and if she does I need to set a few boundaries of what I am prepared to put up with from her I guess, and then it's up to her whether she wants that or not.

 

 

 

She wouldn't do 'anything' for you. She has already proven that.

 

 

Your 'keypoints' are you trying to come up with excuses for her. You wanting to validate your feelings.

 

 

Don't 'let her decide'. She already is, it's already up to her. You just need to learn to accept that and stop wanting to push it.

[martin1988]

She wouldn't do 'anything' for you. She has already proven that.

 

 

Your 'keypoints' are you trying to come up with excuses for her. You wanting to validate your feelings.

 

 

Don't 'let her decide'. She already is, it's already up to her. You just need to learn to accept that and stop wanting to push it.

 

Well it's quite hard to convey everything in a few paragraphs on here. She has done some amazing things for me that I don't think anyone else would have ever done for me.

 

Maybe there is an element of validating my feelings, but there is a cause and effect thing there, I feel like this because things have been amazing.

 

When I say let her decide I mean I am not going to prompt her to come back with anything, if she wants to make it work or not, I will let her decide which of those things it is - in that respect I'm not pushing anything, so a little confused by your last paragraph?