The Thinker Posted December 18, 2013 Posted December 18, 2013 (edited) I've posted a thread before about this same person, she lives in Reunion Island which is about 9000 miles away from where I am. We became very good friends on Skype and talk daily for several hours for maybe 4-5 months now. I know it doesn't seem like a long time, but I've developed some serious feelings for her. I know it sounds crazy since we've never met (I don't need to be lectured about people being different irl vs. online), but I have a hard time connecting with people, and I feel so free and comfortable talking to her, which is something I've never experienced with another person, not even family. Anyways, all was good, she was planning on moving to Montreal, which is about 45 minutes from where I attend school, and I expected then we would be together (however this was supposed to be 7 months from now). Now she's starting to second guess her decision, since she doesn't want to be so far from home, but she still wants to move to Quebec as well. I just have a feeling it's not going to happen. At first it sounded like a sure thing, but now I'm starting to get the impression this is some sort of pipe-dream of hers. I'm hoping for the best but expecting the worst tbh. I've invested so much in her moving here and now I'm beginning to realize it's probably not going to happen, and we may never even meet. I want to get over my feelings for her, or at least distance myself from her a bit until I find out if she's sure she's moving here or not, but don't want to lose her friendship. I have no interest in being in an LDR with someone I will likely never meet, but I also can't fight my feelings for her. I feel like such a fool for letting this happen. I'm not really sure what to do. Edited December 18, 2013 by The Thinker
justwhoiam Posted December 19, 2013 Posted December 19, 2013 Why don't you visit her first? That would be the best thing to do. Her second-guessing is pretty legit, I mean, she must have all the fears she's making the wrong move, or you meet once and then not anymore, everything fizzles out, and she finds herself up there, with no family or friends... all alone abroad and stuck with uni. And you can't help her much, because you haven't met her yet, and cannot reassure her about the way you will feel about her... So that brings us back to my first line "why don't you visit her first?". But you already feel stupid about getting so attached to her, go figure about visiting her. And I assume she got all these kinds of vibes. 1
Author The Thinker Posted December 19, 2013 Author Posted December 19, 2013 I should have mentioned, she planned on moving there herself, not because of me. It was just a coincidence that she would be so close. Yeah, I can't blame her for having second thoughts - it's a huge move. I would love to go visit first, the idea that I'm so attached to someone I've never met kinda scares me, I didn't think it was even possible. Unfortunately I don't have ~3,000 dollars to spend on a plane ticket
justwhoiam Posted December 19, 2013 Posted December 19, 2013 I should have mentioned, she planned on moving there herself, not because of me. I thought so. But I also think that you might play a role in her decision. She can give you a chance or not. Unfortunately I don't have ~3,000 dollars to spend on a plane ticket You can fly to Reunion from Portland through Paris for around $1,800 (around end of March or beginning of May). Also, I don't know her financial status, but in that island, the average income is less than $25,000 per year. So maybe you're way better off than she actually is. For the rest, I agree with Caitlin. Just one thing: your enthusiasm regarding her moving there can make a huge difference. If you're just "meh", she will probably think it's not worth it to begin with. 2
emi Posted December 19, 2013 Posted December 19, 2013 I thought so. But I also think that you might play a role in her decision. She can give you a chance or not. You can fly to Reunion from Portland through Paris for around $1,800 (around end of March or beginning of May). Also, I don't know her financial status, but in that island, the average income is less than $25,000 per year. So maybe you're way better off than she actually is. For the rest, I agree with Caitlin. Just one thing: your enthusiasm regarding her moving there can make a huge difference. If you're just "meh", she will probably think it's not worth it to begin with. well, u really did some very specific result
emi Posted December 19, 2013 Posted December 19, 2013 and for OP. Idk what advice i should give u since you well aware of what u getting urself into, all i can say is time is your best friend right now. Lets wait and see how her moving go
Author The Thinker Posted December 19, 2013 Author Posted December 19, 2013 (edited) I thought so. But I also think that you might play a role in her decision. She can give you a chance or not. You can fly to Reunion from Portland through Paris for around $1,800 (around end of March or beginning of May). Also, I don't know her financial status, but in that island, the average income is less than $25,000 per year. So maybe you're way better off than she actually is. For the rest, I agree with Caitlin. Just one thing: your enthusiasm regarding her moving there can make a huge difference. If you're just "meh", she will probably think it's not worth it to begin with. Thanks for the info. We're both college age so money is tight on both sides. I have been saving up a bit lately, and definitely might consider this come May. That's a good point actually, I'll try to be more enthusiastic about the move. Since she started to second guess her decision we haven't really talked about meeting up a whole lot. I'll try to bring it up in conversation then throw in a comment about my excitement towards her moving here. Part of me feels a bit selfish for doing this, since she should be making the decision based on what she thinks is best for her. Moving across the world for a person you've never met is definitely risky (even though this would not be the only reason behind her decision), but I really think it would all work out. I wouldn't give up in your mind because you're not sure if she's going to do it. Distancing yourself emotionally and pulling back is only going to make her feel less sure and decide not to. I would do a few things: 1 - Evaluate how much time you're spending with her and give her a bit of space if she needs it. Is it just as friends thus far? Then spending hours talking to her is totally fine. And to step back and say to her, "Hey you know I'm here to support you if you move but I also want to know if you need some time to take a breather I don't mind. I want to make sure you're deciding based on what you want for your life, not based on "us" which is a separate thing." See how she responds. She may be thankful to have a day or two with just texting or a quick hello and not long Skype chats that will get her gears turning. If she reacts negatively then say you love talking so you'd be happy to continue as is. But if things are about to "get real" it might be time to take a step back just to give her some space in a potential sense. 2 - Make it clear that you support her in whatever her decision is. Don't say it in too much of a stifling way. Just say it. Whatever you decide I'll be there to help and talk to 100%. Even if she is leaning towards not coming, you are not a fair weather friend. You will be there to talk it out. This may give her confidence in her original decision or her "dream" and let me tell ya... women love making their own decisions. If they feel any part of their is controlled they will go the other way. Be supportive but not overbearing. 3 - Keep your word. If she has emotions that come spilling out... doubts and fears... that is normal and your job as a friend is to listen and be there like you promised. She may even waffle back and forth but be honest that you would love to see where it goes if she does come. And insist that is how you feel. If your feelings are waffely and your support is wavering it will be very difficult for her. If she decides not to move, then you can tell her if you want to call it a day and stop talking or carry on purely as friends. Best of luck! Caitlin Thanks for all of this, Caitlin! Yes, right now I suppose we are both just friend. I haven't told her about how I really feel, though I strongly suspect the feelings are mutual based on some of the things she has said. I'm trying to be as supportive and unbiased as I can be when it comes to her decision to move or not, but it would kill me if she stayed and we never met. I've all ready been building it up in my head for several months. I would hope that if she decides not to move, or if for some reason she doesn't feel the same way about me that we would be able to remain on-line friends, but I feel it would be very difficult for me emotionally. So I'm just clinging on to the hope that it all ends up working out. and for OP. Idk what advice i should give u since you well aware of what u getting urself into, all i can say is time is your best friend right now. Lets wait and see how her moving go I suppose you are right. I'm probably over thinking this way too much (this is a problem of mine, hence the name). It's hard to control what goes on in my brain though. I guess I will know eventually. Edited December 19, 2013 by The Thinker
justwhoiam Posted December 19, 2013 Posted December 19, 2013 I have been saving up a bit lately, and definitely might consider this come May. I'll try to bring it up in conversation then throw in a comment about my excitement towards her moving here.
jracksd Posted December 28, 2013 Posted December 28, 2013 First step is first and you guys need to meet up and hang out. See how you like her in person and if all goes well then you move forward from there. I have dated a girl that lived in another country and moved eventually and I just made sure to reassure her communication and time we could visit her family as well. You need to make sure you make her feel like she is not giving up her life and will still have access to what she is comfortable with.
Author The Thinker Posted December 28, 2013 Author Posted December 28, 2013 First step is first and you guys need to meet up and hang out. See how you like her in person and if all goes well then you move forward from there. I have dated a girl that lived in another country and moved eventually and I just made sure to reassure her communication and time we could visit her family as well. You need to make sure you make her feel like she is not giving up her life and will still have access to what she is comfortable with. Unfortunately with the distance being almost 9000 miles meeting up before the move isn't an option, though I'll see how much money I have saved up by spring. Yeah, this is her biggest fear I think. She doesn't like where she lives, and really wants to move here for school, but also is afraid of living away from her parents. Good point though, will be sure to try and do this.
FitChick Posted December 31, 2013 Posted December 31, 2013 Why don't you spend a day in Montreal taking pictures and doing things so you can sound enthusiastic about how much she will like it. Have someone take pictures of you in various tourist spots so she can see you where she is going to live to make it more real. Tell her "I want to take you to this great restaurant I found" or something similar. Depending on your time zone, if you could make a phone video of you walking around while talking to her at the same time, so much the better. Start getting her excited. 1
Author The Thinker Posted December 31, 2013 Author Posted December 31, 2013 Why don't you spend a day in Montreal taking pictures and doing things so you can sound enthusiastic about how much she will like it. Have someone take pictures of you in various tourist spots so she can see you where she is going to live to make it more real. Tell her "I want to take you to this great restaurant I found" or something similar. Depending on your time zone, if you could make a phone video of you walking around while talking to her at the same time, so much the better. Start getting her excited. Ooh, I like this idea a lot! Thanks
justwhoiam Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 Why don't you spend a day in Montreal taking pictures and doing things so you can sound enthusiastic about how much she will like it. Have someone take pictures of you in various tourist spots so she can see you where she is going to live to make it more real. Tell her "I want to take you to this great restaurant I found" or something similar. Depending on your time zone, if you could make a phone video of you walking around while talking to her at the same time, so much the better. Start getting her excited. Why is it just women having such great ideas? ah... men......... they need to be more creative...
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