Jon10 Posted December 18, 2013 Posted December 18, 2013 Hi folks, Its been a long time since I've posted on the boards but here goes. Had a pretty bad break up about 3 weeks ago and I'm completely at a loss as to what went wrong. I met my girlfriend through online dating back in May of this year. She is 28 and I'm 34. She was living in England for 7 years at the time we started chatting online(which she initiated after spotting my profile) and was getting over a stint in hospital before returning home to Ireland to start a new job with her family business. We live in the same area in Ireland so meeting up wasn't a problem and so we met up at in June after she said her confidence was a little shakey after being out of the dating scene for a while. We hit things off pretty much on the first date and had been seeing each other up until last month. She was living with her mum for while until she found a place of her own. Her parents split up when she was young and she now runs the family landscaping business with her mums partner. While we were dating she would stay at my place and we would cook new types of meals together and head out to various parks and outdoor locations. She brought me lots of gifts for my house and got on great with my housemates and friends. While on a visit to a museum she asked if I would like to go on a trip away somewhere in the new year after we joked about going to Japan together. During October she asked me if I wanted to be her plus one for kicking boxing christmas dinner and said now that she has her own place we will have more opportunity for time being together which I thought was great. On a message on facebook to referred to herself as my girlfriend which made me feel very happy. On the first week of November she found a new apartment and seemed really excited and kept me informed daily. After a night out for a meal she asked me to help her move house and meet her dad. We did that and everything seemed fine, again we made more plans as she asked if I would come and stay with her in her new house and saying she really missed me. We made those plans and I asked her if she would like to go to the Xmas market with me and again she said "that would be awesome baby we must do that". Five days before I'm due to stay with her we chat on the phone about plans and she sounds really happy and upbeat to be talking with me and tells me that her mum is watching a dvd boxset which i let her borrow from the week before. Next morning texts me to say it was great chatting and that she misses me. Over the next few days shes texting me as normal telling me about her house and asking me about work. On the Wednesday before the Friday I'm going to stay with her we were texting as normal and that evening I sent a flirty text saying I wish i could kiss her right now. She responds quickly saying she wishes I could be with her kissing her. One hour later she sends me another text saying she had a bad night at kick boxing training and got told off by her trainer, that her head wasn't in the right place with things and asked if we could chat. I call her and she just says "I don't think I can do this anymore and I don't want to end up hurting you." She went on to say she wants to be by herself and she has things going on at home she couldn't tell me about and health problems in the past. I said did it have something to do with our age difference and she said no she didn't care about our age difference. She said we could talk again. It ended with her saying Bye, crying and quickly hanging up. So yeh it was in a bit of shock to the system - I pretty much went to work the next to weeks like a zombie and ended up taking days off work. I think my family are sick of me now with the number of times I went over things as you can see from my "timeline" style of describing things as they unfolded. I gave things a week to cool of before texting her to see if she was ok. She responded quickly telling me about her kickboxing and work. I asked if she fancied a chat later in the week to clear up what happened and she said yeh ofcourse. I asked her if she would like to meet in person and she suggested I could come over to her new house the following week. Well two hours before I was due to call with her she cancels. We tried phoning each other the following week but both missed each others calls. She texted me saying she feels like a complete bitch about things and handled things badly, apologised alot, said she wouldn't have planned for me to come stay with her had she wanted to break up with me (so that means she decided in the space of a day?!) and said there are some things that are too difficult to explain and that she dosn't want to talk about and wished me a fantastic Xmas. I said I understood and that I didn't think she was bitch but obviously I was confused and shocked at what happened. She posted my boxset back to me and I ended up leaving her stuff at her dads house. I have replayed things over in my head and for the life of me I can't see where things started going wrong. I've always seen warning signs when someone is cooling off or starting to distance themselves. Even my housemate and friends were confused as they all said she was in such a great mood around me when we all headed to a bar the week before it ended. I'm still finding it difficult to get things out of my head and think about her a lot. Its a mixture of sadness that things ended when she was so proactive in wanting me in her life and confusion that she couldn't even tell me why things ended. This is holding me back and even making me question myself - its dented my confidence major since I don't know if it was directly related to me or another factor (her family, another guy etc...) Could it maybe be she was moving quick with things between us with plans etc and then got scared of commitment and bailed? Has anyone had experience of this type of breakup? I loved this girl to bits and would to like to work things out but I know that has to come from her. Any thoughts would be welcome.
ponchsox Posted December 18, 2013 Posted December 18, 2013 Yes. The week before my ex ended it, we were talking about marriage. Days before she ended it, she asked me what I wanted and what I wanted to do for my birthday. I'm still confused but it's not worth thinking about anymore. I've moved on.
letsplaygofish2 Posted December 18, 2013 Posted December 18, 2013 Yeah, that sounds very strange. Have you talked to her about what happened? Did you ask her why the sudden breakup? There has to be a logical explanation!
somedude81 Posted December 18, 2013 Posted December 18, 2013 In your situation, I would drive to her place and wait till she shows up if she's not there.
ponchsox Posted December 18, 2013 Posted December 18, 2013 In your situation, I would drive to her place and wait till she shows up if she's not there. And be prepared to leave with handcuffs on. 2
headinthecloud Posted December 18, 2013 Posted December 18, 2013 In your situation, I would drive to her place and wait till she shows up if she's not there. I agree with ponchsox...showing up at her house would not be a good idea.
Author Jon10 Posted December 18, 2013 Author Posted December 18, 2013 Yeah, that sounds very strange. Have you talked to her about what happened? Did you ask her why the sudden breakup? There has to be a logical explanation! She avoided telling me anything by apologising a number of times and saying there are some things that are too difficult for her to explain.
legion113 Posted December 18, 2013 Posted December 18, 2013 "She avoided telling me anything by apologising a number of times and saying there are some things that are too difficult for her to explain" It's kind of hard to explain CRAZY
headinthecloud Posted December 18, 2013 Posted December 18, 2013 Jon, I'm sorry this happened to you and the pain you're feeling. She obviously doesn't communicate well so please try not to read into things because it won't help you. From what you describe though, it sounds like she just wasn't that into you. It happens. Maybe she felt there were some fundamental differences that she couldn't get over and rather than tell you that you can't meet her needs she just left the relationship. Its an awful feeling to be led on which is why she told you she feels like a bitch. you sounds like a decent guy so don't let this girl affect you. It's likely just a case of incompatibility - plain and simple. Maybe you came across as needy in your communication style (or she interpreted it that way) - from what you describe she sounds like an independent girl. Unfortunately, the whys just don't matter now. Only you and your happiness matters. You've mourned the RS so it's time to kick yourself into high gear and get back to getting healthy and meeting new people. You need to "fake it til you make it" right now so make a choice to be happy and then do it. Reject her reasons, whatever they are. The fact is she doesnt want you in her life and it's an awful reality to face that all of us dumpees have had to deal with. My ex chose other people over me. Well it's his loss. Sure he'll find someone else and good for him, but no one will love him as unconditionally as I did. He just didn't love me enough to want me in his life. I hate the idea still, but I've accepted it and moved on. It was hard but if I did it, you can do it. Check out the links in my signature, they are a good starting point. Right now, you have to try and delete her from your life. In time, the pain will go away and you'll find someone new to share your happiness.
flitzanu Posted December 19, 2013 Posted December 19, 2013 yeah there's no need to keep overanalyzing this. she decided she didn't want to be with you, plain and simple, and there's nothing "logical" about it to be found. she ended it and moved on, so that's the only thing you can do. also do not follow the advice about showing up at her door, that just screams CRAZY.
Recommended Posts