Is the right thing to do giving him another chance?

[rubysmama]

This is going to be long, but here goes. I'm a 20 year old girl with a 1 year old daughter. Ruby's father (I'll refer to him as "A") and I had been together for over 4 years. Our relationship was always a tumultuous one, but we were in love, and that's all that seemed to matter at the end of each day. Before we had our daughter, we had a son who passed away. Obviously we were very young to have gone through something like this, but we stayed together and did our best to work through our grief. "A" already suffered from chronic depression, however, and had since before we'd gotten together.

 

It was one of the reasons I dated him before I thought I was ready- I was afraid of him hurting himself if I said no to him, and although now I see that I should have waited to be with him like I'd wanted to, at 16 years old I thought the best thing I could do was say yes and just be there for him. So when we went through the loss of our son, I very much blamed myself for his subsequent pain, because all I had intended was to make him happy, and instead I felt my presence in his life only made things worse.

 

At first he and I were able to be there for each other, but as many of you know, depression goes in a cycle. During his first "down time" in his cycle since the loss of our son ("down time" referring to sadness caused by depression rather than life occurrences), his grief piled on top of him and in an effort to escape all the hopelessness, he placed blame on me. Feeling at fault myself, I allowed much mistreatment of me. Sometimes I tried to stand up for myself, but a lot of times I didn't. He went through all sorts of addictions, the most painful for me being an addiction to sex and porn, where I felt betrayed and hurt and confused all of the time.

 

Despite my "knowing" it was from the depression and his feeling of needing to escape, I still couldn't "understand", and I still blamed myself further and began going through my own cycles of trying to just comfort him, trying to be stern with him, trying to do anything I could to make him stop hurting me and to get him to just let me make him happy. In spite of all this pain, we got legally married due to pressure from our very religious parents.

 

When I was 18, I got pregnant with our daughter, Ruby. Despite our loss, something in my heart told me that everything was going to be fine with this pregnancy and that I was safe to be excited. When I was 3 months pregnant, I finally told "A" that we had another chance to be parents. I never expected the rage I was met with. Unlike the excited face I'd been given over our son, I got pushed and yelled at sent back home to my parents.

 

I kept my distance from him for awhile, but eventually he seemed to come to terms with the idea of a baby, although he never seemed happy about it. I felt like he'd stabbed me when I was 6 months pregnant and he was suddenly in a funk again and he called me up to tell me to get an abortion. That's when I fell out of love. We'd gone through such profound loss together, and now with the blessing of a second chance at a baby, he wanted to force me to end her life? I couldn't rationalize it in my head with self-talk about how it was just his fear and depression speaking for him, etc. I couldn't excuse him. So I did the best I could on my own and didn't talk to him for 2 months more, when suddenly he called me again to say he really wanted to try for us and to be a good father and husband and that he loved me. I wasn't in love anymore, but I still did love him in that I truly cared for him, and I thought to myself that he deserved a chance to be in our lives. I decided to forgive him and give him his chance. When she was born, he was there for us off and on, sometimes being loving, other times saying and doing mean and spiteful things. I tried to meet his loving moments with gratitude and his ill-treatment with understanding, but sometimes I felt mistrust of his care and felt angry with him for his ill-treatment instead, losing sight of the fact that most of his nastiness was coming from his mental state and not how he might truly feel in his heart for us.

 

Then suddenly out of nowhere came a really nice man, who I'll call "B". "B" is 6 years older than me and has two daughters of his own. He's always been respectful of me, been caring toward my daughter, and has no mental health problems. He has a lot of common interests to mine, and even some of his life struggles match mine in a way that we were able to feel mutual compassion for each other from the start of our friendship. I felt myself falling for him immediately, but I still felt a sense of loyalty to and care for "A" and still wanted things to work out with him. I'd always taken marriage very seriously, and I wanted him to be able to take on his role as Ruby's father and as my husband, certain that as soon as he did, my infatuation with "B" would fade away and I'd be able to fall for "A" again, as though my feelings for "B" were simply a product of relief from being cared about for a change. My relationship with "B" remained platonic despite our mutual feelings for each other, and we only got together with our children present so they could play together and also in order for us to maintain a friendly emotional distance.

 

One day, I was spending time with "A" and I knew I had to talk to him about moving back in together, as he'd been pressuring for, and asking about if he intended to get a job, continue schooling, etc. as I had. Unwisely from my end, I'd approached the situation very stressed and upset, and although I wasn't callous or abrupt, I WAS crying, which I know stressed him out from the get-go. But there he was, saying he wanted to know why I was sad and that he'd be there for me no matter what was wrong, and in my gratitude for a chance to actually lean on him for once, I just spilled out all my worries and my questions to him. Instead of being there for me as he said he'd be five minutes prior, he slumped into the couch and wouldn't look at me. Finally I resigned to saying that we didn't need to talk about it, that I'd be happy just to be hugged awhile and he could let me know about what he wanted to do as he figured it out. But he wouldn't even just hold me. Eventually it turned into me hugging him and crying on his shoulder, then him pushing me off of him pretty hard and telling his mom to take me home because he didn't want me in his sight anymore. He didn't even have the decency to take me and the baby home himself. When I heard him sending me home, I felt every mean word, every betrayal, every moment alone in my pregnancy, hit me like a ton of bricks and I felt this numbness toward him I'd never experienced before. It was my complete breaking point, I suppose. The final repetition of pain for me. I told him I wanted to legally divorce him that night, and to consider us separated for good.

 

I found myself grieving the ended relationship the next day, and completely unprompted, "B" called me that night asking if I was okay, because I was on his mind and he felt kind of worried about me for no reason. I pretty much told him everything I was feeling and everything that had happened (excluding about being pushed... I felt it's best to maintain "B"s respect for "A" at least, no matter what happens) and he said he'd take out Ruby and I with the girls the next day to take my mind off of everything. His lack of judgement and his genuine concern for me melted all the emotional boundaries from me for the next day, and when I saw him and we were playing with the kids together and he was making me laugh, I felt this joy I haven't felt since I was a kid myself. About a month passed and he asked me to be his girlfriend, and I said yes, of course. I was and am really in love with him.

 

Now I've been with "B" all of about a month and a half, and there's "A" trying to win me back, and saying he wants to be a good father and husband, etc. He texts me every day with some sort of compliment and randomly asks if there's anything I need or if he should watch Ruby for me at any point during the week, and things to that effect. It just makes me sad and angry. I don't understand why I was with him for so long and it took him losing me to another guy for him to want to be there for me. I'm not even sure if it's that he wants to be there for me or if he's just trying to get me wrapped around his finger so he'll have my support again. But it really hurts, and it causes so much confusion in me. It makes me wonder if I'm being selfish by giving up on him and going out with "B". It also makes me wonder if he really should get a second chance, because he does unfortunately seem so genuine.

 

Do I really have any right to dish out consequences to him, such as me and Ruby being separate from him and his role being given to someone else? I feel nervous, because I know whatever I decide is truly irreversible. If I stay with "B", and then "A" does get better and is ready to step up to the plate as a father and husband, then what happens? Won't I have wronged him? If I decided to leave "B" and just be single and wait around for "A" and then he never fills his shoes for us, then I've broken "B"s heart and my own for nothing at all. I know "B" would be a great father to Ruby. I know "A" is Ruby's REAL father. I know if I'm with "B" and suddenly "A" is better, I'll feel guilty for choosing "B" despite how much I love him, because "A"s rightful place is with Ruby and me if he can actually do it. I know if I leave "B" to wait for "A", I'll feel guilty forever unless or until "A" actually DOES get better. How likely is it that "A" can get over his depression and be there in our lives? How do I even have a right to judge? Obviously if I left "B" and "A" even did step up to the plate, we'd need a lot of counseling together to work out everything from the past, and we'd basically be starting from scratch. But I would hate to be with "B" out of laziness to work through issues with the guy I married.

 

I know I'm capable of loving and being in love with whomever is in my life, so long as I can trust him. Right now that love and trust is for "B", but I know I'm capable of reigniting a spark for "A" should he and I work things through. I feel tired and conflicted. I just want to know from you what you think is the right thing to do. I don't want to be selfish. I don't want to choose my happiness (being with "B") over what's really truly right, if what's right is letting "A" try his best. What should I do?

Edited December 19, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[letsplaygofish2]

From my take on this situation, it sounds like A isn't very mature and doesn't know how to communicate his feelings properly. He's pushed you away so many times, hurt your feelings, abandoned you and told you to get an abortion. Do you really think that this person would be fit to be a father and the rock in your life? I mean, you can't expect him to grow up when he can't even treat you (his wife) like an adult! For crying out loud, he asked his mother to drive you home. WTF.

 

My vote is to stay away from A and let him go. He sounds like he doesn't have his marbles together due to immaturity. B, on the other hand, sounds like a great guy. I think that you should do what is best for you RIGHT NOW. Don't wait for someone who isn't ready and hasn't had a track record of being consistent. That, there, should give you the answer alone... but I understand your feelings for A.

 

Good luck!