It's the dealing with rejection that's the hardest...

[halfalive]

I'm only in the second round of NC for a week now. I told him I couldn't talk to him and move on at the same time. He didn't give me the response I wanted to hear, of course.

 

 

It's so much harder the 2nd time. I wish I could squash my feelings. I know he is toxic and an actual relationship with him would have been so damn frustrating.

 

 

But -

 

 

What I'm realizing is that what is hardest for me is dealing with the rejection. WHY?! I'm attractive. I'm intelligent. He's now single. The only thing I could think of is that he would be embarrassed by the age difference. I wish he would have just given me a god honest answer, so I could just know why.

[halfalive]

"I've been waiting for you to make the leap to being single. I love you too." haha....yes I laughed while I wrote that.

 

 

Well when we were in the affair, he said "I will do anything to be with you. I'm leaving my wife." Which he did. Things went downhill after that because of things happening in our families. So you may be right on the bad karma or stigma. It just makes me sad that he said so many things that never happened.

[Quiet Storm]

The rejection is not about you. It has nothing to do with your intelligence, your attractiveness, etc.

 

It's about him & his issues. He won't make a good partner for anyone.

 

Think of it like this. You probably would not care if a drug addict, a homeless person, or a criminal rejected you. This is because their love has no value to you. You don't see their love as something special.

 

You have to think of MM the same way. His love has no value to you. You don't need his validation, approval or attention. It is worthless to you. It only brings you pain & heartache. He is a MM that lied, a MM that is cowardly. He is not special.

[halfalive]

The rejection is not about you. It has nothing to do with your intelligence, your attractiveness, etc.

 

It's about him & his issues. He won't make a good partner for anyone.

 

Think of it like this. You probably would not care if a drug addict, a homeless person, or a criminal rejected you. This is because their love has no value to you. You don't see their love as something special.

 

You have to think of MM the same way. His love has no value to you. You don't need his validation, approval or attention. It is worthless to you. It only brings you pain & heartache. He is a MM that lied, a MM that is cowardly. He is not special.

 

Thank you!! This is exactly what I needed to hear. I think I will come back and read this post when I'm feeling down.

[whichwayisup]

I'm only in the second round of NC for a week now. I told him I couldn't talk to him and move on at the same time. He didn't give me the response I wanted to hear, of course.

 

 

It's so much harder the 2nd time. I wish I could squash my feelings. I know he is toxic and an actual relationship with him would have been so damn frustrating.

 

 

But -

 

 

What I'm realizing is that what is hardest for me is dealing with the rejection. WHY?! I'm attractive. I'm intelligent. He's now single. The only thing I could think of is that he would be embarrassed by the age difference. I wish he would have just given me a god honest answer, so I could just know why.

 

Don't let this ruin your self esteem. You even say he's toxic and having a real R with him would have been frustrating so it makes me think that this is mostly ego taking a hit? You know you're a great person, this is HIS loss, not yours. He is fu.ked up and messed in the head, toxic as you say, so really, why shred tears or energy on someone that you know is bad for you?

 

Be around genuine friends and family who love and care about you, people you trust and love - Build up yourself that way, and not on whether or not he 'chose' you. Hope this helps.

[Cocochai]

The rejection is not about you. It has nothing to do with your intelligence, your attractiveness, etc.

 

It's about him & his issues. He won't make a good partner for anyone.

 

Think of it like this. You probably would not care if a drug addict, a homeless person, or a criminal rejected you. This is because their love has no value to you. You don't see their love as something special.

 

You have to think of MM the same way. His love has no value to you. You don't need his validation, approval or attention. It is worthless to you. It only brings you pain & heartache. He is a MM that lied, a MM that is cowardly. He is not special.

 

I agree it has nothing to do w/ your looks or personality. Sometimes they just don't know what to say so they say.... Nothing.

 

They can't tell you what you want to hear because they can't live up to those expectations. So they wade it out buy silence for days, Weeks, and months at a time. It's not that he wanted NC w/ you half the time it's just that they know telling you everything you want to hear or see (via text)... Would be living a lie even more.

 

You Also have to remember it's mostly coming from a selfish part of themselves.

[Snipercatt]

It is true that it isn't about you. It really isn't.

 

Sometimes we think life will be a certain way and we think we know how we will react, and then the thing we expected happens differently than expected, or we feel differently than we thought we would. We think we know, but sometimes what happens, or how we feel just isn't predictable.

 

Also, no matter how much a person wants to leave their marriage, or their job, or what have you, it may feel like a loss. Life will be very different and sometimes we aren't prepared for that.

 

I'm sorry for your pain.

[halfalive]

I agree it has nothing to do w/ your looks or personality. Sometimes they just don't know what to say so they say.... Nothing.

 

They can't tell you what you want to hear because they can't live up to those expectations. So they wade it out buy silence for days, Weeks, and months at a time. It's not that he wanted NC w/ you half the time it's just that they know telling you everything you want to hear or see (via text)... Would be living a lie even more.

 

You Also have to remember it's mostly coming from a selfish part of themselves.

 

What great points! I have to say that this made me feel quite a bit better (about myself anyway), but I am struggling with wanting to break the NC that I imposed. : ( I want to wish him a Merry Christmas.

[Snipercatt]

I want to wish him a Merry Christmas.

 

Of course you do. But he can't miss you if you're always there. Also, wishing him probably isn't going to change anything in your favor.

 

Start thinking about the things you do and weighing whether it weighs in your favor.

[halfalive]

You're right. And I do - I just end up having constant battles in my mind. Such as:

 

 

"I should wish him a Merry Christmas so he knows that I do care about him even though I imposed NC."

 

 

One minute later "No, I don't want to look pathetic. I need to stay strong. Maybe he'll show me he cares eventually."

 

 

"Wait, but if I stay silent maybe he'll never contact me and he'll just move on."

 

 

 

 

Hmm....reading his myself. I have little self respect, don't I.

[ladydesigner]

You're right. And I do - I just end up having constant battles in my mind. Such as:

 

 

"I should wish him a Merry Christmas so he knows that I do care about him even though I imposed NC."

 

 

One minute later "No, I don't want to look pathetic. I need to stay strong. Maybe he'll show me he cares eventually."

 

 

"Wait, but if I stay silent maybe he'll never contact me and he'll just move on."

 

 

 

 

Hmm....reading his myself. I have little self respect, don't I.

 

Sweetie, gently A relationships end up making a person feel like they have no self respect. At least the majority of them do I shouldn't say all.

 

Your post resonates with me as it applies to rejection from any angle from an OW or a BS. I have been both btw. I was rejected by my xAP and by my WH so rejection played a huge role in my self esteem issues. I went to therapy and realized much of it is FOO issues (family of origin). My father was very cold, emotional distant, and very critical of me. I constantly felt rejected by my father. I have recreated this situation over and over again successfully with exactly the same outcome. My therapist says we recreate these situations hoping that it will change, that we will get closure. In reality we need to get healthy and make healthier choices. I hope this makes sense. Hang in there!

[lilmisscantbewrong]

Sweetie, gently A relationships end up making a person feel like they have no self respect. At least the majority of them do I shouldn't say all.

 

Your post resonates with me as it applies to rejection from any angle from an OW or a BS. I have been both btw. I was rejected by my xAP and by my WH so rejection played a huge role in my self esteem issues. I went to therapy and realized much of it is FOO issues (family of origin). My father was very cold, emotional distant, and very critical of me. I constantly felt rejected by my father. I have recreated this situation over and over again successfully with exactly the same outcome. My therapist says we recreate these situations hoping that it will change, that we will get closure. In reality we need to get healthy and make healthier choices. I hope this makes sense. Hang in there!

 

Lady designer - I think I have been through the exact same thing as you - abandoned by my xmom and then my husband had an affair - had to dig deep to understand why and mine was mostly my mothers rejection and sexual molestation as a young girl - messed me up!

 

Anyway - there are those here that understand - I am four years out and even though I know I won't do it, there are times I want to reach out too - the holidays make us sentimental. Things will be better after the new year - promise!

[blue963]

Has he earned your kindness of a merry christmas?

[Scott Thomas]

Imagine the hurt your husband/family might feel from your rejection (of them). Chose between your husband or the OM and then stick with your choice. Dithering about is unfair to both if them