yet another 'i want my ex back' but read it.

[sak21]

Well .. my story..

I met this girl via twitter.I really liked her and did all the rights things to gauge her level of attraction towards me.I made a date and it was like magic ..you could cut the attraction with the knife.We were very compatible in most things,share the same principles etc..It was instant..Of course i asked her about her last relationship and how long has it been since she broke up with him..she said 4 months.She said that he dumped her after 4 years..he just dissapeared..She didnt mention anything else or be bitter about the whole thing..she mentioned him to a very close friend of mine (female) once, that her ex called her and she rejected him telling him that she was with me now..(she called her when we were together a couple of months..)That was about one and i half month before the break up ..

 

The first 2 months it was like heaven..she did everything she could for me and she even said that she loved me and dreaming about our future.

The thing was me ..i was very much into her but my work was at the lowest point.I was expecting a work deal that was a 'do or die for me' that didnt flurish and i went COMPLETELY broke!!i was shocked..i didnt have a dime.Only the home i was living in and little support from my mother pension.It was the first time for me and i didnt know what to do.I was depressed.She was very supportive and sweet..she was paying for my drinks when we went out or taking me small trips with her car..

 

The relationship was completely in her hands.i could do anything or made any desicion cause i hadnt any money.The whole thing was effecting my mood and my sexual drive..i didnt want to make love to her..i was a wreck..and took her for granded(i know...big mistake)..I was the woman in the relationship(sad but true)

 

After the fourth month mark she started slowly removing her sexual interest(she didnt talk about making love so often as before)and become distant but tender..We never argued

The fifth month things went downhill.She became more distant and we didnt see each other a lot..

I was clingy from the moment i went broke and leaning to her ,giving her the keys of our reliationship but at the sixth month i became suspicious and jealous..

The more she drifted away the more jealous i became..(another HUGE mistake..)

 

The last week of our relationship i caught her texting once when we where out ,i asked her about it and she told me that she was from a facebook girlfriend.I didnt know her...

I didnt believe her and i was very persistent.I told her that something was very fishy..and then she asked to meet me..i refused and then she gave me the 'i dont feel this way for you anymore' speech..I said 'ok..the end' in anger and hung up the phone..

 

The next day i send her a text saying to deliver my expensive camera to our mutual friends for me to pick it up.She said that she wanted to bring it to me personally ..i declined..and she said 'you dont want to see me even for two minutes? ..i didnt reply and told her to send it to our friends..

The next day she called me to say that is ok..

 

Our mutial friends told me that she was in bad shape.Deep down i knew the real reason of the brake up..(i was the 'girl' and the submissive one)but they thought otherwise and beg me to call her..i did one week after we broke up.We spoke for about 10 minutes ..she stated that she was starting to 'lose it' gradually over the last two months and become angry with herself..anyway i told her not to go back with her ex who mistreated her and to find someone new..i also told her that i was going to block her from fb..i was devastated..

 

M work was getting better and after 20 days with NC i finally sealed the deal i was expecting for so long..i was really happy ..it was a life changer for me..and i thought since she was so concerned and supportive about it when we were together that she would be happy for me even now..(of course i miss her)The same day my nephew told me that he is going to see a play with his school at the theater my ex works..i texted that to her telling her to take good care of him and then 'miss you brat' (stupid move ..i know)..she replied that she would try to spot him, find a good seat and even get him autographs from the actors..i then text her to call me when she got home cause i have something to tell her ..something important about my job that would made her happy..She did..I missed the call and call her after two hours..i was trying to be more happy than i actually was and talk about my success..i also told her that i understood how bore and uninteresting i was from the time i went broke(in a funny way) but i didnt say anything to come back together..i asked to take care of my nephew again and said goodbye..The next day my nephew told me that noone had reach out for him and also told me that he saw the lady i was telling him..

 

Its been another 30 days since then ..with NC.. but i think of her all the time..

What should i do??my gut tells me that she is with her ex again..(i m not sure.)I really dont know if i was the rebound guy or not..

 

Please advice..sorry for the long post..

Edited December 19, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[bmh]

I would continue with NC.

[letsplaygofish2]

I don't think you were the rebound guy. She kept with you for so long while you were depressed and was very tender towards you. But you pushed her away, so her reaction was to also go away. I don't think that she used you for anything, but rather the course of the relationship was driven primarily by your work/finances...

[sak21]

i dont know for sure of course..she become indiferrent the last month and a little bitchy..(just a little..).When we talked on the phone about my work she was cold and distand and at the end she wanted to end the conversation politely..the thing that really made me feel strange is that she didnt keep her word about taking care of my nephew..i really dont know what happened for sure..maybe it was her way to tell my to not bother her again or something..(we only talked two times since we broke up as i mentioned and i wasnt begging or pleading to get her back..(although i want..)

[Zahara]

i dont know for sure of course..she become indiferrent the last month and a little bitchy..(just a little..).When we talked on the phone about my work she was cold and distand and at the end she wanted to end the conversation politely..the thing that really made me feel strange is that she didnt keep her word about taking care of my nephew..i really dont know what happened for sure..maybe it was her way to tell my to not bother her again or something..(we only talked two times since we broke up as i mentioned and i wasnt begging or pleading to get her back..(although i want..)

 

A little entitled, aren't you.

 

Of course someone is going to seem indifferent and "bitchy" when they were pushed away, and worst of all, she probably didn't even know why. You can't treat someone that way and then expect them to be happy sunshine just because you've decided to make a turn around.

 

She is not responsible for your nephew. She never promised you that she would take care of him. She said she would try and spot him. That's it. She doesn't owe you anything nor should you expect anything from her.

 

Then you tell her to call you and she does call you back which was a good sign, then you don't even answer and take two hours to call her back. She's probably thinking you're really not into it and just went along with your niceties and called it a day.

[sak21]

i think you got it all wrong..

When i was with her i never mistreated her..i was very tender and sweet to her..trust me on this ..i didnt push her away cause of that..but just the opposite ..i became clingy and not masculine sort of speak..too available..she took me for granded and slowly began to lose interest..

And another thing..my nephew went close to her that day 10 feet away from her just to be noticed by..but..

[Zahara]

The thing was me ..i was very much into her but my work was at the lowest point.I was expecting a work deal that was a 'do or die for me' that didnt flurish and i went COMPLETELY broke!!i was shocked..i didnt have a dime.Only the home i was living in and little support from my mother pension.It was the first time for me and i didnt know what to do.I was depressed.She was very supportive and sweet..she was paying for my drinks when we went out or taking me small trips with her car..

The relationship was completely in her hands.i could do anything or made any desicion cause i hadnt any money.The whole thing was effecting my mood and my sexual drive..i didnt want to make love to her..i was a wreck..and took her for granded(i know...big mistake)..I was the woman in the relationship(sad but true)

After the fourth month mark she started slowly removing her sexual interest(she didnt talk about making love so often as before)and become distant but tender..We never argued

The fifth month things went downhill.She became more distant and we didnt see each other a lot..

 

I don't think I have it wrong. Read what you wrote, in bold. Seems that she was supportive of you but YOU started to let your issues get in the way of your relationship with her and how you treated her. A woman needs emotional sustenance. We are nurturers by nature and most desire tenderness, intimacy and attention. And when she wasn't getting it and felt that SHE was being taken for granted (just as YOU stated), she grew distant. It happens and it's a normal progression when someone is detaching when they feel unappreciated, unloved or undesirable.

 

I'm sorry for your nephew, but did you once think that maybe it was hard to see him because it reminded her of you and it was triggering bad feelings for her. Less than a month of the break-up and knowing that she was in bad shape, you called her out of the blue and expected her to do what you wanted her to do. Wrong. You don't get to dictate what and how she handles herself. It wasn't her responsibility.

Edited December 18, 2013 by Zahara

[sak21]

sorry but no..please trust me on this..please..i dont want to argue of course but when i said that i took for granded i mean that i thought that she would stay with me until my work take a better turn..when we met i was very affectionate and tender to her..even at my first phone call after a week the break up she explained the reasons..when a woman say its not your fault its mine..it means its your fault that a lost attraction for you cause you re acting like a little girl and you are not the strong man who i want in my life..(at least in my vocabulary..)in the last two months i wasnt push her away i was clinged on her more cause i saw all the signs of a person with low interest (thats a bad move)

Dont get me wrong i still think that she is an amazing girl..thats way i want her back..otherwise i wouldnt even bother..trust me....i think she just got sick of me and my insecurities about what to do with my work and my future and left..

[Zahara]

sorry but no..please trust me on this..please..i dont want to argue of course but when i said that i took for granded i mean that i thought that she would stay with me until my work take a better turn..when we met i was very affectionate and tender to her..even at my first phone call after a week the break up she explained the reasons..when a woman say its not your fault its mine..it means its your fault that a lost attraction for you cause you re acting like a little girl and you are not the strong man who i want in my life..(at least in my vocabulary..)in the last two months i wasnt push her away i was clinged on her more cause i saw all the signs of a person with low interest (thats a bad move)

Dont get me wrong i still think that she is an amazing girl..thats way i want her back..otherwise i wouldnt even bother..trust me....i think she just got sick of me and my insecurities about what to do with my work and my future and left..

 

Yes, you thought that she would take all your mood swings and coldness until you decided to get out of your funk. You can't take someone for granted that way. I can bet that if you communicated how you felt, she would have been supportive of you. You didn't have the ability to communicate your issues to her but rather internalize them and act insecure and out of character. And if she found herself losing attraction to you, unfortunately, it will and can happen. She was probably feeling isolated and unsure as to what was going on with you. And a person will lose interest and feelings will change when things aren't working for them in the relationship and when they aren't getting what they need from their partner. It doesn't matter how you were with her in the beginning. All that is irrelevant.

 

I wish you luck and I hope you get through this, whether it is with her or without her. Communication is key. When you choose not to express yourself and let someone in, all sorts of wrong can happen, even when you don't intend for it to happen.

[sak21]

see..?thats the mistake you made..i was very talkative about my problem..and never got angry..she understood that..i dont blamed her for anything..

[Zahara]

see..?thats the mistake you made..i was very talkative about my problem..and never got angry..she understood that..i dont blamed her for anything..

 

Sak, do you really want me to believe that someone that is going through depression, who's a wreck as you claimed, someone that was having mood swings and someone that was shut off sexually and denied the other intimacy is someone that was capable of healthy and insightful communication with their partner?

 

I'm no spring chicken. I have been in relationships with men that have behaved this way. They retreat. They don't communicate or communicate in a healthy manner nor are they "talkative"...quite the opposite. People that retreat, internalize and shut people out, just as you did by refusing her intimacy and dwelling in your own moods.

[pteromom]

You got depressed.

You stopped wanting to sleep with her.

You started getting jealous and accusatory.

When she gave up on wanting sex, rather than fight for your relationship, you just let it slide further downhill.

 

She had no choice but to leave if she was going to hold on to her self-respect.

 

If you want her back, tell her. Just make sure that you aren't romanticizing the relationship and that you have grown past letting your relationship suffer if your life isn't going as planned.

[letsplaygofish2]

So, let me get this straight. You want her to be at your beck and call even though you withheld sex, were emotionally unavailable, depressed and broke? And why does it matter that she went back to her ex? And you expect her to take care of your nephew?

 

Seriously, now that you're feeling better you're expecting her to just BE there for you? Sounds a little bit selfish, doesn't it? Did you consider HER needs? Her feelings? How she felt being in a relationship with someone who is depressed and pushed her away? Of course she's going to be mad at you and slowly disappear. You disappeared to begin with!

 

You kind of broke up with her yourself... what did you expect? Wow, that's pretty selfish of you to only think about yourself. Very inconsiderate.

[sak21]

Wow..wow..hold your horses a minute..

I said that she was an amazing girl and still is..i said from the start that the problem was me..!!!ok so far?

i also said that i was tender and loving despite my state of mind..trying to compensate my lack of sexual drive..we stopped having sex gradually till one month prior the break up..she also said that by the time you had sex for the last time she was already lost it..

The (kind of) depression kicked slowly after the first shock..she saw that and she tried to cheer me up..

When we broke up she was very calm..not angry at all a little frustrated maybe..

i didnt used her nor she..i m still saying that she is a great girl..

I m not accusing her for anything.. i have no proof for anything..

We broke up in good terms..thats why it seems 'unatural' to me the thing she did with my nephew..thats all..im not accusing her..i m trying to understand..

I didnt treat her poorly.. she was the leader and i was the follower..(find me one woman who wants that..)for the last time..i dont try to argue with you..please try to understand..

[sak21]

i dont expect to be there for me..i want her back cause i think i ve lost a wonderful girl due to my condition at the time..and i want to be with me now that i m fine and confident about my future..i m asking what you think should i do or shouldn't that's all ..i didnt cause her any harm intentionally for god's sake i m not a jerk..

[Zahara]

We broke up in good terms..thats why it seems 'unatural' to me the thing she did with my nephew..thats all..im not accusing her..i m trying to understand..

 

This is why people are seeing you as selfish because you can't see beyond your own feelings.

 

Your friends said she was in bad shape. Why is it unnatural that she chose to stay away from you nephew? Maybe she felt it would hurt her. Maybe she felt it would trigger a reminder of you. Maybe she felt that it would be best to stay away because she didn't want to be involved again. Breaking up on good terms doesn't mean you can be pals/buddies and pretend that everything is okay. There is still hurt and pain on both sides.

 

If you want to reach out, do so. But be prepared with whatever her choice may be.

[letsplaygofish2]

I think what you need to learn from this is respect and understanding.

 

Respect the fact that she is angry at you.

Respect the fact that the relationship ran it's course.

Respect the fact that you went through a tough time and it took it's toll on the relationship.

Respect the fact that she wants her space from you.

And respect the fact that she might not want to be with you anymore...

Understand that you hurt her.

Understand that you couldn't give her what she wanted, which led to disappointment.

Understand that she tried to be there for you, but you weren't ready.

 

For me personally, I'd want my ex to have a bit of compassion, understanding and respect. I just want him to acknowledge the pain and hurt he caused...

 

So if you reach out to her, be prepared.

[letsplaygofish2]

i dont expect to be there for me..i want her back cause i think i ve lost a wonderful girl due to my condition at the time..and i want to be with me now that i m fine and confident about my future..i m asking what you think should i do or shouldn't that's all ..i didnt cause her any harm intentionally for god's sake i m not a jerk..

 

You want her back - but have you considered how she feels? Did you apologize for the hurt you've caused her? So far you've only talked about how you feel. Put yourself in her shoes and consider her point of view.

[sak21]

of course !!!!!i said that break up with me was the right thing to do and i understand it completely..