Oh the anger....how do you rid the anger?

[Porridge]

Quick scenario - Ex wife is a serial liar, self harmer, has impulsive behaviour issues, manipulative and emotionally all over the place. She was diagnosed with BPD in 2008. We have two children.

 

There has been many incidents in our past but the crunch came earlier this year when she went very strange for a while and then said she wanted out of the relationship. A couple of weeks later I found that she had been stealing from an elderly person that she was supposed to be caring for.

 

In an effort to deflect guilt and lay blame on others, she took to making scurrilous claims about me. She told mothers at the children's school that she left me because I was beating her up and that she'd only just mustered the strength to leave after nine years of hell. The intensity of lies increased as I found out she was going with a bandage on to claim that i'd fractured her wrist in a fight etc. In truth, there had never been a flick between us or any form of bullying at all. Well....in hindsight she was the abuser, but I never really saw it until I got out.

 

After she left the marital home, the police gathered enough evidence to charge her and she ended up in court. She received a suspended prison sentence (she didn't actually go to jail but will if she does anything else in the next year) and a fine. The sentence was public and she appeared in the local newspaper, so the mothers and other people that she'd spread the disgusting lies to all became aware of the truth. They swiftly gave her a wide berth. The ex abandoned all friends and social media in response, promptly painting everybody black in the entire town.

 

The next stage was all too predictable. She'd been sleeping around but found some chap online. He's a very slight individual, polite and sensitive. Typical rescuer really and he fit the bill for the ex perfectly. She went for the kill and within days, he was moving in along with my children. From what i'm aware, he knows about her recent past but has somehow been convinced that she did it as a reaction to the bullying she was suffering.

 

Two weeks after them meeting, somebody who was still occasionally in touch with them was informed that they intended to move to his local area and that she was trying to conceive. That's TWO WEEKS into meeting him.

 

To be honest, having regular contact with the children was my only concern. However, over recent weeks the ex has become increasingly resentful and bitter, attempting to make things difficult and taking her 'paint it black' attitude to extremes. If I ask standard questions such as "what do the children like to eat for dinner at the moment" or "shall we discuss Christmas presents so there are no clashes", it gets completely ignored. She won't even tell me when there are school events as she wants me to miss them and look bad, so I have to keep in touch directly with them to keep in the loop. When she calls me, it's always with an agenda of some kind.

 

Yesterday I received an email from the ex which was copied to the school. It stated that they were all moving in January and that the children would be changing schools. It's not really a geographical issue as it's only 15 miles down the road, but it is a big upheaval for the children who have dealt with enough in recent months without having to adapt to a new school.

 

The ex has also changed her name by deed poll and got engaged to this guy (yet she still hasn't filed the divorce against me which she promised to do!). It's another part of the cycle which i've seen before. After she does something reckless, she attempts to disassociate herself from the person who committed the bad acts. The name change and new start, in her mind, enables her achieve that detachment from her old self.

 

So anyway, my issue, aside from the my kids, is dealing with the anger that i'm storing within. The anger that this no good piece of s**t made up such despicable lies about me, that she completely uprooted the children's lives, that she makes decisions in her own interests and not in theirs, that she has a warped ability to deflect all blame for everything onto me and others rather than seek any introspection whatsoever. No apologies for her actions, no remorse, just a self-centred attempt, as usual, to leave the s**t she caused behind and leave others to sweep it up.

 

It just makes me so angry and I find myself wishing ill-fortune on her. Problem is, I don't want to harbour all of this negative energy, I want to reach a point of indifference where I can put her down to a bad experience and not care about what she's done.

 

Has anybody else been at this stage of real anger? Is it just a case of time? I don't ever wish to forgive her and I don't ever wish to like her, but I can't begrudge her actions forever.

 

Just on a final point, some may suggest filing for custody and I am considering that, but this is more about dealing with negative emotional energy.

[deponie12]

Get the book "The Dance of Anger" it has helped me. My anger was horrible. I allowed my ex to make me angry, I now am learning not to be so angry anymore.

[SameOldFear]

Oh my gosh, that so terrible! I'm so sorry. And I thought I had good reasons to be angry at my ex. I'm not sure if you've already tried doing this, but I'm almost positive you could take her to court over your kids. She doesn't sound like she has the best parenting skills. Meditation has really helped me with anger though. Just realizing that some people are sick and there's nothing you can do, so don't spend your time thinking about them. Don't let them make you feel negatively.

[Porridge]

Thanks for the replies guys. It's strange really - it's like she received her sentence in court and then sought to just ride off into the sunset, giving the birdy to everyone behind her. The one thing I have to remind myself is that this is mentally ill, incapable of compassion or honesty. Whatever life she decides to run to (and it's likely they'll be several of them over the forthcoming years), she'll never find inner peace.

 

But it's not about her anymore, it's about the kids and I. That's the goal, to somehow diffuse all the outrage that i'm feeling.

 

I'll check the book out Deponie, thanks.

 

SameOld - I no doubt do have a good case and that's something that i'm considering, but as a bigger picture. My friend is a hypnotherapist and meditator so perhaps he can give some tips.

 

Thanks again.

[sc17]

I have a piece of advice for you, I was in a similar situation, I'll try to keep it brief.

 

Write in a journal. Anything and everything about the situation. As I said I was in a similar situation and when we split my wife did a lot of hurtful things...I am a product of a divorced mother and father and my father died before I could ever talk to him about why they split. We never had a relationship and the man that my siblings talk about I never knew. I only have my mother's side and she turned me against him.

 

I swore that my side of this story would be told one way or another so I decided to "document" my journey. I unlocked a huge therapeutic experience that helped me cope (and still does). I documented my version of what was going on and my feelings about it all. It was very liberating and helped me work through some of my own demons. I still journal for a lot of other reasons but should my children want to know (they were old enough to remember a lot of what was going on) we can either talk about it or they read my journals. Hopefully it will be the former.

[Porridge]

I have a piece of advice for you, I was in a similar situation, I'll try to keep it brief.

 

Write in a journal. Anything and everything about the situation. As I said I was in a similar situation and when we split my wife did a lot of hurtful things...I am a product of a divorced mother and father and my father died before I could ever talk to him about why they split. We never had a relationship and the man that my siblings talk about I never knew. I only have my mother's side and she turned me against him.

 

I swore that my side of this story would be told one way or another so I decided to "document" my journey. I unlocked a huge therapeutic experience that helped me cope (and still does). I documented my version of what was going on and my feelings about it all. It was very liberating and helped me work through some of my own demons. I still journal for a lot of other reasons but should my children want to know (they were old enough to remember a lot of what was going on) we can either talk about it or they read my journals. Hopefully it will be the former.

 

That's quite profound and humbling, especially since you've made it your first post on this site. Thanks so much. Incidentally, something i didn't mention (otherwise it could easily turn to War and peace) was that I ended up in court after the ex attempted a restraining order on me upon making complete untruths. I won the trial because her lies were unfolded beforehand and she refused to attend. The judge also advised that I keep a documented diary/journal as a form of protection for when she tries her tricks again.

 

The reasons and content within may differ. I assume yours is to put your feelings to paper, whereas the judge just wants me to cover my backside so when she makes an allegation, i'll know what i was doing. I guess both can be done together though.

 

Thanks again.

[ponchsox]

I told my ex to go **** herself and that she was a dirty skank

[Softie]

You hopefully find writing things and feelings on here helps some?

 

Also what about hitting the gym and a punching back, verbally venting while you do it or if you cannot do that baseball bat to the bed matress would probably do.

 

I think you have to let it out, different people have different ways.

[Porridge]

Thanks for further comments. Actually I do hit the gym three times a week. It has given me something positive to focus on and has been a great help.

 

Thanks for the book references. I guess i'm a little different to most on here as the majority are stunned, in denial, wanting their partner back, still in love etc. I'm not like that, I'm well rid of her so wasn't sure if it was a state that many here would empathise with. Thanks again for your advice.