tbf Posted December 19, 2013 Posted December 19, 2013 That's what I usually do. One of my best friends is a man I dated for over a year. In fact, I'm always the first to TRY and salvage a friendship if just the normal dating misunderstandings, etc have occurred or we are incompatible. I can get past feelings of rejection, etc, if there were any genuine caring there at all. I'm more capable than most of not throwing the baby out with the bathwater. Where I draw the line is when a betrayal has occurred. I can forgive them but they will never be invited into my life again. I can be civil, but that's as far as it goes. There is a very good book on this called "How good do we have to be? A new understanding of guilt and forgiveness" Another one from the same author is "When bad things happen to good people" It's all about forgiveness... for ourselves and each other. It helped me a lot after my divorce... it helped me reconcile the feelings I had toward my ex... that it was ok to miss him and think positively about the time we shared together... without feeling that I needed him in my life. It also helped me come to terms and forgive myself for the things I know must have caused him pain as well. True forgiveness does not mean you need to invite them back in for anything or keep them in your life. True forgiveness means you have a choice that is not burdened by guilt, shame, or retribution. I also don't need to 'prove' to myself that I'm a good person via accepting someone back in my life. When seen in the light of day, most of the time, there is simply nothing all that compelling about that person or interaction... and given enough time, it and them will disappear like a puff of smoke. Best to devote my time and energy to people who have demonstrated consistent care and respect for me. That's what it really comes down to... Where I choose to spend my time and energy. Not proving to myself I can be some forgiving saint. BTDT.So that you understand, I'm not encouraging you to bring him back into your life which is why the reference to cost/benefit and if they bring anything to the table sufficient to warrant their reentry. Also, forgiveness has nothing to do with the other person. It's the first step towards letting go of the resentment and then eventually, true detachment. It's for your benefit since negative emotions can impair your immune system since the human body is a delicate ecosystem.
FrankieFrank Posted December 20, 2013 Posted December 20, 2013 uh huh.... ok, do me a favor. Walk up to the next person you pass on the street who looks half way decent and hand them a $100 bill and see what happens. That's what lots of men these days expect women to do. Offer up things of immense value.... their heart and/or bodies... to complete strangers. If she did that in the past, and decided it was foolish to do so in the future, that's not 'putting you on a leash'. That is learning her own boundaries and deciding to get to know you. And any man worth a damn who values himself would expect me to earn his trust as well... but still find a way to be nice about it that doesn't oblige me to be a doormat or pretend to give a shyte so he can get laid while he's getting to know me. Besides, no one is offering you a laundry list of anything. It's more about reminding people to value oneself even if the other person isn't or doesn't want to. Edited: I might also add that it is almost always 'men' who talk like this. You sound like the new contractor I hired who expects to get paid before the job is done. In other words, your kind of whining shows me it's all about you and your needs. If you had anything valuable to lose yourself, you'd also be careful. As it is, statements like yours are just another form of bullying and deflection so that you can get what you want with the least amount of effort. LOL. Bullying. So everyone who doesn't agree with you is bullying and deflecting? You honestly sound paranoid to me. You do not have to "give your body and soul" to anybody, if that is your wish. Especially not just because someone else wants it that way, if you don't happen to want it back. Where exactly is the problem? Might be with people picker. All I have to say is any decent guy won't be taking advantage of any woman and treating decent guy as a potential "bully" who's about to take advantage of you is, frankly, insulting.
Elliotte Posted December 20, 2013 Posted December 20, 2013 I've been wrestling with the idea of sending my first serious girlfriend (from 20 years ago) an apology/thankyou letter. I have no expectations, just a weight on my chest that I really want to lift. We are both married with families and I have absolutely no desire to disrupt either of our lives. Here is a link to a letter I wrote without sending it. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/coping/117844-post-here-instead-contacting-your-ex/post-5396802.html#post5396802 I've rewritten it many times to make sure I'm not putting any expectations, hinting at anything, laying any guilt trips, questioning her life or her decision to leave me. I know I really want to tell her these things, but I also can see how it might be a bad idea. I'm hoping time will make things more clear for me. Right now I can't see myself getting over this feeling, but I've never been great at looking forward. Dude. 20 years. Move on. Apologizing at this point is madness. Forgive yourself and let it go. It is not healthy for you and anyone you involve! 1
Author RedRobin Posted December 20, 2013 Author Posted December 20, 2013 LOL. Bullying. So everyone who doesn't agree with you is bullying and deflecting? You honestly sound paranoid to me. You do not have to "give your body and soul" to anybody, if that is your wish. Especially not just because someone else wants it that way, if you don't happen to want it back. Where exactly is the problem? Might be with people picker. All I have to say is any decent guy won't be taking advantage of any woman and treating decent guy as a potential "bully" who's about to take advantage of you is, frankly, insulting. uh huh... well, most normal people realize that everyone on this planet comes to the table with prior experiences that have informed their decisions. You included. Anyone who comes at me with protests of 'trust me' without offering the actions that naturally PROCEED such trust being given... is well... someone looking for a sucker and a free ride. You'll notice that trustworthy people have no issues with this. It's only the flakes and users who expect others to trust them unproven.... and as I've said in many other posts... it is women who predominantly pay a much higher price than men do for their choice of partners... especially in the early stages. You don't like it? Too bad. Keep on with the 'bullying' and protests... I guess it must be working for you. As for me? I have some very good friends. My people picker seems to be just fine. Can't really blame my romantic problems all on me. I didn't invent the hookup, eff buddy, FWB culture, nor am I commitment phobic. I'm just really good at eliminating those who are. *shrug*
Under The Radar Posted December 20, 2013 Posted December 20, 2013 Travails and Askance ...... the lexicon that is LS. I don't know anything about a "people picker", but for sure my vocabulary has improved over the past few threads. Thanks RedRobin 1
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