justadudehere Posted December 18, 2013 Posted December 18, 2013 (edited) I will try to make this as short as possible. I was engaged to a woman for about 4 and a half years when I caught her in a lie. We decided to try again, but the things she did and her explanations didn't add up so I never was ok with it all. (lying about where she was, becoming secretive with her phone and such..) Anyway she gave me the ring back eventually and we still saw each other on the weekends and talked on the phone everyday. It seems everytime I say that I am done or it is not working out, she comes back crying and all that jazz but never admits or owns up to anything. I started having that feeling in my gut again, and our last conversation was me saying we needed to talk in person and I felt she was keeping things from me. She said "OMG" and "I feel sick" and we hung up. Haven't heard from her since. I found out a day or so later that she was lying again and hiding things from not only me but my family and friends. We both have children from previous marriages. heres the kicker... she has been divorced three times, found out after the start of the relationship but she was embarrassed by it and said they cheated or did this or that. (red flag , I know now) She had a rough childhood , being molested by a relative for many years. She didn't know her real father, her real father and his family denied her. Also, she has never had any counseling or therapy of any sort. I guess I should've known better (with the three divorces). I am angry at the time wasted and that she would really think I would fall for her bogus excuses. I am angry at myself for even to continue with her in anyway after the first lie. I so want to confront her in person and see the look on her face when I tell her what I know, but I know it wouldn't do any good and she would probably never admit to anything. I guess I did dodge the bullet by not being #4. Why am I so damn angry though? I want it go to go away and move on and get past this hurt. In my mind(now) I know it was doomed but it seems like I am holding on to the anger. Thanks , I had to vent someplace where I know some of you can relate. I feel better when talking (typing ) it out. Edited December 18, 2013 by justadudehere
barky2 Posted December 18, 2013 Posted December 18, 2013 Dodge a bullet? Sure,maybe. Sum ting wong.....seriously. She's being secretive about something. Start the healing process now, take it one day at a time. Focus on you. Barky
Volthi10 Posted December 18, 2013 Posted December 18, 2013 She sounds like a toxic person. If she is already being strange its best you let go. Do you and try to find somebody who offers as much as you do.
Clay Posted December 18, 2013 Posted December 18, 2013 RUN and don't look back. Life is to short to live with someone that you can't trust. Clay
Author justadudehere Posted December 18, 2013 Author Posted December 18, 2013 Barky, correct my friend one day at a time and focus on me. I had been thinking in the last few months about telling her we need to stop talking and having sex. It seems like she wanted to just string me along. Vol, I have read up recently on adult survivors of sexual abuse and it opened my eyes. I had asked years ago if she had considered any therapy, as I had been witness to the nightmares and some flashbacks. She got very defensive and stated that she was fine and didn't need any and that she had worked through it herself. Also, I know the whole issue with not knowing her real father still impacts her. So yeah toxic would be a good description. I can only imagine, I will get a call or she will show up outside my house in the next week or two crying and all that. I hope not this time, because I don't think closure for me is possible in this situation. This whole things has taken a toll on me almost as bad as my divorce and it shouldn't. At least I can rationalize the effects of the divorce, 12 years , two children, mortgage...etc.
Author justadudehere Posted December 18, 2013 Author Posted December 18, 2013 RUN and don't look back. Life is to short to live with someone that you can't trust. Clay Clay, I am kicking myself in the behind for not doing that before now. Trust is a must to have any kind of success in a relationship and its broken and has been for a while, the funny thing is she will turn it around on me and my shortcomings. The passive aggressive light bulb went off in my head today. I never really thought about it but damn she fits the bill to a T.
bubbaganoosh Posted December 18, 2013 Posted December 18, 2013 Barky, correct my friend one day at a time and focus on me. I had been thinking in the last few months about telling her we need to stop talking and having sex. It seems like she wanted to just string me along. . Then tell her. If she wont meet in person then use the phone and end it. Look what it's doing to you. She needs to be able to help herself with her issues. You can't put a gun to her head and force her. All in all, she's got too much baggage and maybe you should find someone with less. I mean we all come with baggage, but some have more than others.
Author justadudehere Posted December 18, 2013 Author Posted December 18, 2013 (edited) bubba I agree, be I tried to call and text once since the last time we talked and she hasn't returned either. I am thinking screw it, I am not going after her like I did when we initially broke up the first time. I now realize she has too much baggage and I could never trust her. If the opportunity presents itself to tell her in person what I think, I will. She had me convinced that she was the "victim" in all her previous relationships. I had to quite a bit of thinking about how behaves and reacts to things before I realized she needs some serious help. Edited December 18, 2013 by justadudehere
rec88 Posted December 18, 2013 Posted December 18, 2013 You're angry because you feel you deserve/have earned better treatment. Totally understandable and totally frustrating. I think it's not the loss of that person that hurts the most or the longest in these cases, it's the lack of respect they showed you.
Author justadudehere Posted December 18, 2013 Author Posted December 18, 2013 You're angry because you feel you deserve/have earned better treatment. Totally understandable and totally frustrating. I think it's not the loss of that person that hurts the most or the longest in these cases, it's the lack of respect they showed you. Lack of respect and her thinking I was so gullible to believe anything. I had stated several times to her that if she wanted something else to let me go, just let me go but nooo she shows up all boohooing and crap. I could be that much further along with healing from this crap if she hadn't done that. She once told me I was too loyal, loyal when I shouldn't be. I always wondered where that came from but now I know. It was her cryptic way of saying I shouldn't be loyal to her.
rec88 Posted December 19, 2013 Posted December 19, 2013 Now you have witnessed the mental gymnastics that emotionally unstable people use to justify themselves. They don't do it consciously, they aren't that calculating. It's just their natural reaction and it's a really difficult thing to change. The good news is now that you've seen it, you won't slide in with someone like that in the future. That's something you don't let happen twice.
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