Tony

[Jan]

Thank you very much for your advice. I think you hit the nail right on, on just about everything you said.

 

At first when I read what you had wrote about me being scared as well, I was like no way. But as I sat here and thought about it, you could very well be 100 percent right. I don't know if scared is the right word, but something in that area. It is like I can't enjoy the relationship and just go with it, I have to sit and find things wrong with it. And now that there is really nothing for me to do, I would rather go find another relationship where things need to be fixed. Thinking back to my past relationships, I see a pattern of where I feel sorry for the guy for whatever reason so I step in to make them feel better about themselves and then when thing's get good I bail out. Maybe I need to be needed? I know this sound's really crazy, but really I am not. *LOL*.

 

My life is up in shambles right now like I mentioned and you were so right I do need to be gentle with myself and realize that everything isn't that bad. And I somehow just want to start everything fresh. I am young 23, but I dropped out of school when I was 17. So I need to go back and finish highschool and find some direction in my life. Right now I don't have a job or anything..I am living at home and basically doing nothing with myself or my life. And the sad thing is I have been like this for close to 6 months. I have dropped all of my friends. Not that they are bad people, but I was just so tired of the club scene. I felt like I was just going out and doing nothing worthwhile, and I got to a point where I couldnt stand it anymore. So here I am with no friends, no job, no school, no life and a boyfriend of three years. And I know you are probably thinking I am depressed but I am not. I have gone to the doctor's and to a shrink and they say I am fine, other than I have no drive in life. And they tell me that none can give me that but myself. So you see a part of why I am staying with this boyfriend is because I have nothing else in my life and I think I am looking for him to fix everything in my life and it just isn't happening. I don't know how to start over, and it just seems easier to stay put and do nothing. I have become really lazy, I don't need the money (up until 6 months ago I had a great job)at the moment, and I know I am not happy in this situation but I continue to go on like this because doing anything would require me to take a risk, to put myself out there.. I did however 3 months ago, apply for my driver's license and I am taking driving lessons. Another thing..anything I have ever started in life I have always never finished. When thing's get too tough or hard I walk away. I never try, I never give it my all. I don't even know where to start or how to go about trying to help myself out. Because even though I haven't even tried I already am like oh I won't be able to do that or I could never be that in life. I want to be a nurse, but I feel like it is so far out of reach and so much work to get there why bother....wow...I don't think I have ever poured all this out to someone before. It actually feel's good to get it off my chest.

 

Thanks once again, I hope you don't mind helping me like you are. I hope maybe someday I can help you in someway.

[Tony T]

Thank you for your very kind words. It's great that you gained some insight here. There are lots of caring folks at LoveShack, always willing to listen and to comment.

 

Stop by often and let us know how you're doing. I know these things aren't easy, especially considering what you've been through.

[Jan]

Thank you for your very kind words. It's great that you gained some insight here. There are lots of caring folks at LoveShack, always willing to listen and to comment. Stop by often and let us know how you're doing. I know these things aren't easy, especially considering what you've been through. Can I ask then what would you do in this situation? if you are getting tired of answering my post's just let me know..

[Tony T]

YOU ASK: "Can I ask then what would you do in this situation?"

 

I have already addressed your situation. However, if you describe what you are referring to in your above question...as briefly as possible...I will respond once again.

[Jan]

YOU ASK: "Can I ask then what would you do in this situation?" I have already addressed your situation. However, if you describe what you are referring to in your above question...as briefly as possible...I will respond once again.

What I meant by that was like do I break up with him?

 

how do I get back into the swing of life?

 

All I want is someone to care about me, and love me rather than me doing all the loving and caring..I am not just refering to my boyfriend, I am saying that in genereal. I just need someone to care about me..........

 

thanks..

[Tony T]

I think that's kind of the general idea about this love business. We all want someone to really, truly, sincerely care about us. That doesn't come easy. Many of us fall madly in love and we delude ourselves into thinking the other person really cares when they don't. So, you do have the correct objective in mind and I guess that's the first hurdle.

 

I'm not going to tell you to break up with anybody. That's your call, not mine. You are the captain of your ship. However, if you do not feel like he cares...if you do not feel good about the relationship...if you are not getting your needs met...if you aren't getting the warm fuzzies you need to be getting...move on, yes, break up!!!

 

You get back into the swing of things any way you want. We aren't here to tell you how to live. It's your life. Now if it was me, I'd take some time to heal. I'd do special things for myself. I'd spend lots of time with friends and make new friends. I'd go places and do things I'd been wanting to but hadn't had the time.

 

But do what you will. It's your life. Spend it like you wish. I mean, we are free human beings here in most countries.

 

Now, if you're really wanting someone to care about you, you have to allow that to happen. Stop being so nice, giving, generous, etc. next time. Let the guy put a little effort into the relationship as well. Make it an even deal or get out of it. You have to feel right about it. You sound like you feel you have no power in life at all. You have ALL the power over your life and you better start using it or life will clobber you and smash you like a steamroller.

[Ed]

Jan,

 

I would like to drop in on this conversation for a moment, if I may. In reference to this statement:

All I want is someone to care about me, and love me rather than me doing all the loving and caring..I am not just refering to my boyfriend, I am saying that in genereal. I just need someone to care about me.......... thanks..

The majority of your loving and caring should go to yourself, first. I'm not talking about being conceited or selfcentered. What I mean is learning how to feel loved and cared for without relying on someone else to give it to you.

 

Accepting yourself for who you are, where you are in life, what you want and what you feel is a major hurdle on the road to living a fulfilling and satisfying life.

 

Learning to be happy and content without love and caring from another also lifts a tremendous burden off of the relationships you have with other people. It also enables you to be more appreciative the love and caring you do get when you are in a relationship.

 

The goal with this line of thinking and living is not to be completely independent and self-sufficient when it comes to love and wanting to be loved. It is to become more balanced in the area of giving and receiving love.