Am I overthinking? *Girlfriend's Guy Friend*

[Eivuwan]

I don't know. I get that she's not gf material, but I think that she deserved an explanation at the very least. Also, just give her the rest of the stuff and go NC. I don't think staying as friends is going to work.

[carsrcool]

LOL, my first guinea pig was named Tribbles. You'd know if you forgot him - squeak, shriek!

Just leave the remainder on the porch. Same drill as last night. Text her once you've put it out.

 

I don't know. I get that she's not gf material, but I think that she deserved an explanation at the very least. Also, just give her the rest of the stuff and go NC. I don't think staying as friends is going to work.

 

She just messaged, "Also I could have miss placed it again but if you find my key necklace could you please just give it to me. ):"

 

I don't plan to keep any of her belongings, that wouldn't be fair. I was thinking to just message her,

"I don't see the key necklace. I have the tribbles and some flower ear rings. Come by at 3pm and we'll talk."

 

Any other way I should say this? I agree that I shouldn't be friends with her, it will just make things worse for me.

[carsrcool]

If i recall, she has work until 9:30 tonight. I still have not messaged her. I'm still a little clustered.

 

I was possibly thinking just having her come over to have her look around for the necklace.. I don't know =/ my mind is on the fritz heh..

[writergal]

If you need to talk to her, then do so, but remember to keep strong boundaries.

 

Otherwise, you could always just leave the earrings and such in another bag and leave that bag outside for her to pick up herself, and then just go about your day as normal.

[ThorntonMelon]

You know, we all need reminders of this from time to time because its the easiest message in the whole world to forget - but no partner (man or woman) worth their time allows us (or us them) to go to bed at night wondering where their priorities lie. Yes we fight, or have disagreement or even sometimes are focused on all of lifes other issues. But if you're with someone who doesn't make you a priority...and can't realize that you don't feel like a priority...can't end well.

[Purepony]

Everything was going well until this... so far you're blowing it already. Go ahead and play games with her but I guarantee you you will lose

[ChatroomHero]

Talking to her you will not get closure. You will not get her to say, "Yeah me and Guy B were hooking up behind your back".

 

 

What you may get is that she "partly blames herself" or some such nonsense. You will probably get how YOU didn't do things that MADE HER feel...

 

I see no point in that. Text her that her stuff will be on the porch at a certain time and you didn't see her necklace but will get it to her if you do. Nothing more.

 

To her you were not very important from what you said. Even best case scenario, if she said what a great guy you were and how she knew it was all her fault, what would you feel after anyway...that is was her pleasantly bs'ing you to get past an awkward situation and make herself feel better?

 

If you want to be friends, if it entailed any contact, just imagine hanging out with her as she is making out with Guy B all night.

 

Just cut her, leave her stuff and let it go. She knows what she did and she knows that you know what she was doing, why give her a chance to make herself feel better at your expense?

[MidwestUSA]

Everything was going well until this... so far you're blowing it already. Go ahead and play games with her but I guarantee you you will lose

 

Who is the one playing games? OP has handled himself quite well under the circumstances!

[Purepony]

According to you he has handled it well. Hows that? By talking and meeting up with the x? when is he going to go full no contact?

 

I still think he should have left her things our and moved on by going nc then maybe be friends in a few months because the way she tossed him aside for guy b was disrespectful and conniving

[Purepony]

Talking to her you will not get closure. You will not get her to say, "Yeah me and Guy B were hooking up behind your back".

 

 

What you may get is that she "partly blames herself" or some such nonsense. You will probably get how YOU didn't do things that MADE HER feel...

 

I see no point in that. Text her that her stuff will be on the porch at a certain time and you didn't see her necklace but will get it to her if you do. Nothing more.

 

To her you were not very important from what you said. Even best case scenario, if she said what a great guy you were and how she knew it was all her fault, what would you feel after anyway...that is was her pleasantly bs'ing you to get past an awkward situation and make herself feel better?

 

If you want to be friends, if it entailed any contact, just imagine hanging out with her as she is making out with Guy B all night.

 

Just cut her, leave her stuff and let it go. She knows what she did and she knows that you know what she was doing, why give her a chance to make herself feel better at your expense?

 

 

 

Exactly!!!

[MidwestUSA]

According to you he has handled it well. Hows that? By talking and meeting up with the x? when is he going to go full no contact?

 

I still think he should have left her things our and moved on by going nc then maybe be friends in a few months because the way she tossed him aside for guy b was disrespectful and conniving

 

He has not met up with and talked to her. Not sure where you got that?

[Purepony]

 

I was possibly thinking just having her come over to have her look around for the necklace.. I don't know =/ my mind is on the fritz heh..

 

Thinking about it is just as bad. This guy needstoo to go nc fast

[MidwestUSA]

Thinking about it is just as bad. This guy needstoo to go nc fast

 

That's hardly 'blowing it', LOL. It's a process, he's doing fine. Chill.

[carsrcool]

So after an hour of my last message on here, i decided to talk to her. I texted her,

"Are you currently working? If not, when are you scheduled to start today."

 

She responds,

"I'm actually near your house, just finished an event."

 

I responded,

"Okay, come over and we will look for the necklace and talk. See you soon."

 

Her, "Oh uhm okay"

 

When she got here, she obviously seemed very distant. I asked about the event and how it did, she said it went well. She asked if it was alright to come in, I assured it was fine. I explained that I was already looking for the necklace but was unable to find it but I found the other things I mentioned on the forum. She said "Oh alright, thanks, yea i must have just misplaced it like my ipod."

 

So when we got to my room, she saw the stuff, sort of acknowledged it being there, looked at me and out of being a little nervous, I smiled and slightly chuckled. She didn't like it and responds and she somewhat tears up, "Really? After what you just did? You're laughing?" I closed the door while she was still complaining. I told her to sit down. She sat on the bed and I sat on my desk chair. I apologized for laughing, that it was just out of impulse, it had nothing to do with out situation.

 

She said she was shocked that I would break up by text even though we discussed it before where I wouldn't do that (My first Ex broke up via Text which we talked about). I told her that the way she has been acting for the past week, bailing on me, going to the mall, lying about going home; that it honestly felt like you didn't care to see me, including that last text how she found me randomly found me annoying and MAYBE we'll hang out. How I have been trying this whole week to hang out with her and she has been blowing everything off to go hang out at the mall and guy B. There was no point in trying to see you as I felt like she would just blow it off again. She didn't give much of a response other than how one of her friends suggested that my GF (Now Ex) should just text me that message. She was not planning on messaging me at all since she felt like I was mad at her.

*This was the message I am talking about*

Hi. Sorry I've been.. Avoiding you. I've just been super stressed and upset and idk got weird and found you annoying so i thought it would be best if I had some time away from you. I hope you're not stressed out. I just need some time to think about things and calm down from school. Maybe we could hang out tonight? Idk. I'm just not in a happy place right now :/@

 

She was at the mall when I broke up with her. She explained how she began to cry in the middle of the mall. How it was really childish of me to do it by text and block her on Facebook and be a complete ******* to her. How most of her friends really hate me know for doing it that way.

I said, "Look, I'm sorry that I broke up with you by text, I really am. But given the circumstances that I have had to deal with these past few weeks, can you blame me? You didn't want to see me, out of no where. You couldn't even make a simple phone call when I needed you most, granted when I had the worst final the next day, I went to go walk the dog with you after i explained how bad i needed to study for this final. Not only that but you then asked if I wanted to go see the movie and when I said let's see it another day, you played the 'Make my BF jealous card' and went to see it with Guy B. I knew as soon as you said that you will see it with someone else that it would be with Guy B, and I clearly showed my frustration when I got to your house. But when you couldn't just make a simple phone call, it killed me, I was shocked." She didn't make much of a response other than how Guy B was wanting to go see the movie with her and how he clearly wanted to see it compared to me and that she 'forgave me' for doing it by text. (At this point i really didn't care for what she had to say).

 

I explained how all of a sudden she was constantly talking about Guy B and not caring for what I had to say, just getting off the phone as soon as I wanted to talk about something really stuck it to me. How it seemed like you lost all interest and wanted to go out with Guy B. She didn't respond only looking down and to my left. She did say that I could have called her up anytime and ask if she was cheating (Really?).

 

She told me how she talked to her parents about it, how they said that they were also shocked about it and how they thought that I was in love with her etc. The mother mentioned how yes, it would have been nice for the Theme park to be romantic but it's also nice to go with friends to make it more fun since I seem to be more of a 1 on 1 person and she's more of a social bug. I explained to her how I was so happy to go to the theme park together but when I find out randomly that she invited a few friends without talking to me about it, it was hurtful, like I didn't matter what I had to say. I then said "maybe I would just go with it" - she yells, "Exactly!" - I then explained that I already told her that I wanted it to be just the two of us and that I didn't want anyone else coming (She needed an excuse to 'uninvite' one of her friends that she didn't want going, this girl was the same girl that as soon as she found out that she liked someone else, that it was okay for her to come), and after that, I find out Guy B is still coming. It's as if you don't care about me.

 

It got quiet for a little, she was just staring at me waiting for me to say something. My emotional side kicked in and I said something (in my opinion) stupid. "Look, I would love for us to still be together.. but.." I obviously caught myself ".. I want to make sure I'm actually going to be a priority and not some other person that feels like a bank account, because the way you've been acting really feels like all you ever expect from me is that I pay for everything and you rarely show any appreciation for it. I have been going to bed, wondering.. questioning if I am actually a priority in your life and if you really care for me." She stops me, "Look I really am thankful for what you have done for me, for all the things you have helped me with, for the crafting, gas, and food, etc." I respond, "Thank you but it would be nice to hear actually hear this often as it just seems like you say this once every other month." She explained that it would be nice to actually dress up and go out to dinner every once and a while (..wow) and how she was upset I wouldn't get her a christmas present and get upset she was going to get Guy B a present. I told her, "Look, I would love to go on fancy dinners as well and give you more gifts but my credit card bill is rising up and I have been helping her throughout the year. I am trying to save as much money as I can and I want you to save as well, we can't afford to just constantly spend money we really don't have. Speaking of which, when was the last time you gave me a gift?" She went quiet. She did explain how she's made some money over these few weeks, how she's babysitting more often and how her intern (payed) needs her more *The way she was saying it made it seem like she was trying to show off to me*. I congratulated her.

 

 

I got up and showed her this tiny card she made for me for valentines day (Which I kept in my wallet since I got it until now). I told her I read this over 100 times this month (I really read it once or twice). It said,

I couldn't resist this card Thank you for being there for me when i need it & putting up with my tempers I wubbs you! Hope you enjoy today as much I know I will! My pens keep dying on me D: Ha! Thank you for everything you have done <3 Your cut kitten lover, (GF Name) <3

 

She read it, was really quiet and didn't know what to say. I started pulling out these little gifts that she gave me early in the relationship. Looking at them, putting them back. I asked her what she was thinking. "Well after a long and deep conversation with my mom, I feel like maybe we really are not for each other. Like.. I love you, but I don't know if I am IN love with you.. you understand what I am saying?" - I say, "Yea, sure" - "I just don't want to get back together and waste each other's time -- Not that our time together was a waste of time, I loved our time together, but with what happened over this month, I don't want it to build up and become a worse kind of break up if it were to happen again. I told this to you before we started going out that I don't really feel ready to be in a relationship as I still need to find myself (This was true, she did say this, but she was also deciding if she should go out with me or a previous ex. One of her friends told her to go out with me as I am clearly boyfriend material and the other guy was not.. So the way I took this was she was considering someone else already). I would love to get back together as well but I just need time to think, I don't want you holding on to me either" -- I interrupted, "I won't" and smiled -- she responds to it, "Oh thanks, and I hope you won't just go straight to having another girlfriend. Honestly, I thought when you were going to *A City* that you already met someone else." I assured her that it was not the case, I hung out with my brother and his friends (I probably should have just said something around the lines but lying can be difficult for me). I said "I hope you won't have a boyfriend any time soon either." She looked far to my left (almost 90 degrees away from my eyes) and down, saying "No.. I won't."

 

She was looking at her phone, she then said, "Oh, it's getting that time, I have to go soon, I still didn't make my present for the gift exchange, thanks for breaking up before all this by the way." I didn't respond, I sat on the bed as well, we hugged (I honestly felt like she wanted to kiss or w/e but I didn't really feel like it, I was disgusted by how she was behaving throughout this whole conversation). She started looking around and said, "Maybe you forgot something of mine.. I don't trust you." She gave me the stink eye. She then saw the 'sexual' stuff and said, "What are you going to do with this stuff? You should probably just throw it out." She grabbed a gift she gave me during the summer and showed affection to it (Hugging it and all the sort) and said, "Can I keep it?" I responded, "Why? I thought it was a gift to me." She then said, "Yea but I don't want it to get burned like what my first ex did." I said well, you basically cheated and left him for someone else. She gasps and says, "So you would burn it if I did that?" I said, "No." She then saw a keychain with a wookie (From star wars) and asked me if i was still going to use it with my keys. I told her to keep it. Basically she started looking through all the stuff she gave me that she deemed valuable to her, giving excuses as why she wanted them and what not. I only gave her the keychain.

 

She grabbed the rest of her stuff, I told her I will walk her to her car. It was basically quiet, I mentioned how it was good that we talked, maybe we will talk again sometime, I will unblock her from facebook. She asked if I was going to be a dick to her still, I said "No." When we got to the car, she hugged me again, she asked for the $26 for the movie tickets (Payment for both of our tickets to pay back a friend I said I would do.). Thinking about how she tried to show off her making money, I gave her a disappointed face. She paused and then said, "Fine, I will pay for it."

 

---

That was basically the whole conversation. Thinking about it, I may have missed a few things but most of it is there. I haven't unblocked her on Facebook, I don't even know if I want to. I feel a lot more content now that I talked to her and see how she reacted to my arguments. Most of the time, she was not looking me in the eye when answering the touchy questions like Guy B's involvement. All I know is, she was already considering moving on. She did apologize for a lot of my issues I told her about, how she didn't realize what she was doing to me when she was doing them. At this point it doesn't matter if they are genuine apologies, it's the fact that she doesn't understand how she treats people and doesn't do anything in terms of seeing if she is causing a problem. She's got a load of issues that she needs to resolve with herself. She still has the attitude towards her parents, "I'm 21! I can do whatever I want!" She would then cry to me saying she may have to move out since they are going to kick her out. Not my problem anymore

 

Now all I have in my mind is how she acted in our last conversation yesterday.

 

 

I know that maybe what I said here and there may have brought her to being on top of the breakup, but it doesn't bother me, I got what I needed from her without having to think about it. Yes, it was probably naive of me to have this conversation with her but I am inexperienced and having this conversation helped me train for possibly the next one I will have with the next GF.

[writergal]

It wasn't naive for you to have this conversation with her. (I don't think there are any exact "rules" for how to handle a break-up.) It was important for you to have a last conversation with you, so that you could tell her how her actions misled/hurt you. I think that's healthy.

 

Clearly, her behavior during the conversation is just more proof to you that you made the best decision to break up with her.

 

Most of the time, she was not looking me in the eye when answering the touchy questions like Guy B's involvement. All I know is, she was already considering moving on. She did apologize for a lot of my issues I told her about, how she didn't realize what she was doing to me when she was doing them. At this point it doesn't matter if they are genuine apologies, it's the fact that she doesn't understand how she treats people and doesn't do anything in terms of seeing if she is causing a problem. She's got a load of issues that she needs to resolve with herself. She still has the attitude towards her parents, "I'm 21! I can do whatever I want!" She would then cry to me saying she may have to move out since they are going to kick her out. Not my problem anymore

 

She sounds very immature. I wouldn't count her apologies as genuine either if she doesn't think beforehand how her actions will come across to others. Her load of issues are no longer your responsibility to bear (not that we should ever bear others problems as our own). So count yourself lucky now. Her "me, me, me" attitude is not going to get her far in life.

 

Every dating experience brings lessons with it, so count this as just another lesson learned.

 

As far as whether or not to add her to your Facebook account again. I wouldn't. She's an ex. It would create too much awkwardness with anyone new you date. And your love life is none of her business. Right?

 

I hope you feel better now that you've had the chance to talk with her and can start to move forward again with your life. Dating gets easier with experience.

[MidwestUSA]

OP, thanks for coming back to update us. I think you handled everything in a very mature manner.

 

How very materialistic that she wanted to pick thru and take back items she had given you as gifts. You can bet some of them would have gone to guy B! So you could have called her to ask if she was cheating, LOL?! Her not looking you in the eye told you all you needed to know I guess.

 

Agree with writergal about the Facebook; you don't need the drama. Move forward, do well in school, live your life. Sadly, she'll learn nothing from this experience, but you have.

 

Happy holidays!

Edited December 24, 2013 by MidwestUSA

[carsrcool]

It wasn't naive for you to have this conversation with her. (I don't think there are any exact "rules" for how to handle a break-up.) It was important for you to have a last conversation with you, so that you could tell her how her actions misled/hurt you. I think that's healthy.

 

Clearly, her behavior during the conversation is just more proof to you that you made the best decision to break up with her.

 

 

 

She sounds very immature. I wouldn't count her apologies as genuine either if she doesn't think beforehand how her actions will come across to others. Her load of issues are no longer your responsibility to bear (not that we should ever bear others problems as our own). So count yourself lucky now. Her "me, me, me" attitude is not going to get her far in life.

 

Every dating experience brings lessons with it, so count this as just another lesson learned.

 

As far as whether or not to add her to your Facebook account again. I wouldn't. She's an ex. It would create too much awkwardness with anyone new you date. And your love life is none of her business. Right?

 

I hope you feel better now that you've had the chance to talk with her and can start to move forward again with your life. Dating gets easier with experience.

 

You know, my mother said this stuff as well, and I can definitely agree that this time spent with her was not a waste of time (maybe near the end), it did bring many experiences and having that talk really helped me emotionally in terms of knowing how she felt and me being able to tell her my issues. I will probably unblock her in a few months, I won't send any requests or try to contact her. I don't need her to be around right now (Or ever for the matter)

 

OP, thanks for coming back to update us. I think you handled everything in a very mature manner.

 

How very materialistic that she wanted to pick thru and take back items she had given you as gifts. You can bet some of them would have gone to guy B! So you could have called her to ask if she was cheating, LOL?! Her not looking you in the eye told you all you needed to know I guess.

 

Agree with writergal about the Facebook; you don't need the drama. Move forward, do well in school, live your life. Sadly, she'll learn nothing from this experience, but you have.

 

Happy holidays!

 

Most definitely, you guys have helped me immensely and I would feel like this whole thread would not be complete if I did not at least post the ending. I feel like this may help the next person who may stumble upon this and give him or her some guidance on their relationship if they are noticing the same things.

 

For all we know, she may have not cheated. The fact of the matter is she's down right selfish and clearly did not care for me or the relationship. She did show some happiness at a point, trying to say how that now I was not going, that she will get a pass for the theme park. She was basically trying to show off to an extent where I may feel jealous and regret that I broke up with her. Sure, maybe a little bit of regret, but the big reasons as to why I had to end things were far more important that undermine any 'lovey' emotions I would have with her (Which I can have with any other girl).

 

 

The moral of this story, is that most of the time in life, being more logical and less emotional will get the job done and done right. 90% of the reason we were still together for that long was that aside from the random poor treatment when she's stressed out (I get it, people snap when stressed), or the worry of her possibly cheating, I enjoyed my time with her and we did have a good time spent together. This was just up until this month where it died down, which she admitted she was having an issue during this month.

 

If I stayed logical from the very first post, I probably would not have come here and posted asking for advice. I'm sure I will come back if I still have issues, I feel confident with the community here. I will also try to give my own advice for any others in need of it.

 

 

Thank you all for all the help you have given me. I did not see any reply as bad advice, I did like seeing both sides of an argument (Such as the if I should talk to her or not). Hearing both sides of a suggestion helps greatly and also giving me the message of, "Cheer up, she is not relationship material," is nice to read, especially from others and not just family. Some of the advice I didn't hear before and was definitely helpful for me logically and emotionally.

 

 

P.S: With the whole her eyes not looking at me, when she was actually certain of something and was clearly speaking the truth, she would look me right in the eye(s) and tell me (Which was happening throughout this last/final talk we had). So when she did actually look away, I could only take it as she either felt bad and does not feel brave enough to look at me after I pointed it out, or that she is lying to me at my face and can't look at me in the eye anymore. When she said I could have called to ask about her possibly cheating, she looked straight at me, in the eyes; She then looked away when Guy B was mentioned (As well as another guy which brought a scare during the summer).

[Keke1]

Man you're Wayyyyyyyyyyyyyy to nice. You were IMO giving her away. It was actually painful reading your reaction to some of the things she said and did. If you let ppl walk over you theywwill. You can't be too nice to ppl because ppl are selfish and only care about their feelings.

[FrankieFrank]

"Oh thanks, and I hope you won't just go straight to having another girlfriend. Honestly, I thought when you were going to *A City* that you already met someone else."

 

LOL.

 

None of her business who you mingle with now that you broke up.

 

She was looking at her phone, she then said, "Oh, it's getting that time, I have to go soon, I still didn't make my present for the gift exchange, thanks for breaking up before all this by the way." I didn't respond, I sat on the bed as well, we hugged (I honestly felt like she wanted to kiss or w/e but I didn't really feel like it, I was disgusted by how she was behaving throughout this whole conversation). She started looking around and said, "Maybe you forgot something of mine.. I don't trust you." She gave me the stink eye. She then saw the 'sexual' stuff and said, "What are you going to do with this stuff? You should probably just throw it out." She grabbed a gift she gave me during the summer and showed affection to it (Hugging it and all the sort) and said, "Can I keep it?" I responded, "Why? I thought it was a gift to me." She then said, "Yea but I don't want it to get burned like what my first ex did." I said well, you basically cheated and left him for someone else. She gasps and says, "So you would burn it if I did that?" I said, "No." She then saw a keychain with a wookie (From star wars) and asked me if i was still going to use it with my keys. I told her to keep it. Basically she started looking through all the stuff she gave me that she deemed valuable to her, giving excuses as why she wanted them and what not. I only gave her the keychain.

 

How classy of her to go through gifts she gave you and (try to) take them back. Maybe she wants to give them to Guy B now. How would it feel for him to know these are second-hand gifts that were given for an ex and taken away during break up?

 

Dodged a bullet? More like entire salvo.

[Els]

Didn't even manage to read it all, but... holy crap on a cracker. 21 year olds are generally not the most mature beings on the planet, but your gf somehow takes the cake even compared to the rest of her peers.

 

You really would be better off out of this R.

[ChatroomHero]

Man you're Wayyyyyyyyyyyyyy to nice. You were IMO giving her away. It was actually painful reading your reaction to some of the things she said and did. If you let ppl walk over you theywwill. You can't be too nice to ppl because ppl are selfish and only care about their feelings.

 

I agree exactly. No need to be mean or rude or spiteful, but she turned it around on you, I think I predicted that.

 

Instead of her saying, "Yeah, I blew you off and wouldn't talk to you on the phone and lied to you, ignored you while I chose to hang around with another guy... so breaking up by text was really the only option for you and what I deserved", she made you the bad guy to her parents and friends for how you broke up and made herself feel better about everything she did, like the means were suddenly justified by the end for her.

 

She was already done with you and her actions more than proved it, when she said she was hurt by how you ended it etc., you know she was actually relieved and not hurt at all other than an ego shot that someone wouldn't take her crap and she didn't have you wrapped around her finger as much as she thought. That's why I think it is usually pointless to have that final, "open" talk, it doesn't change anything in the past.

 

I think I would have let her get her stuff and told her that you both knew she was lucky to get a text because she deserved less than that. I have a feeling she wouldn't have disagreed with that because she would know she really couldn't. And the whole, "You could have asked me if I was cheating" was her saying she cheated but excusing it because you "never asked".

 

Hope you got closure and it helps you get over it. You did show some confidence and self respect overall which is a good thing to add to your experience.

[ChessPieceFace]

Hey guys, my mind is going nuts here and just need a second opinion since I am less experienced (23 y/o) and maybe someone can guide me with some suggestions. I keep contradicting myself with ideas and just need some advice.

 

I have been dating this girl for 11 months now (she's 21). She's very sweet, attractive, and talented. She lives about 20 miles away. She's told me that she had a rough past and cheated on 2 ex's

 

Stopped reading there. Whatever she may or may not be doing right now, expect cheating in your future.

[bubbaganoosh]

This girl is a walking. talking, living, breathing red flag and she would have made your life miserable.

 

Her immaturity and self centered behavior will come back and haunt her in the future and maybe by then, she'll grow up and start respecting other peoples feelings.

 

You could have been ugly and ignorant but you chose the right way and you did good. She's the one who couldn't look you in the eye.

[carsrcool]

LOL.

 

None of her business who you mingle with now that you broke up.

 

 

 

How classy of her to go through gifts she gave you and (try to) take them back. Maybe she wants to give them to Guy B now. How would it feel for him to know these are second-hand gifts that were given for an ex and taken away during break up?

 

Dodged a bullet? More like entire salvo.

 

She could do whatever she wanted with those gifts if she got them back. It did shock me how she wanted to take them back, I was further disgusted by that. I think we can all agree that I dodged an entire salvo haha.

 

I agree exactly. No need to be mean or rude or spiteful, but she turned it around on you, I think I predicted that.

 

Instead of her saying, "Yeah, I blew you off and wouldn't talk to you on the phone and lied to you, ignored you while I chose to hang around with another guy... so breaking up by text was really the only option for you and what I deserved", she made you the bad guy to her parents and friends for how you broke up and made herself feel better about everything she did, like the means were suddenly justified by the end for her.

 

She was already done with you and her actions more than proved it, when she said she was hurt by how you ended it etc., you know she was actually relieved and not hurt at all other than an ego shot that someone wouldn't take her crap and she didn't have you wrapped around her finger as much as she thought. That's why I think it is usually pointless to have that final, "open" talk, it doesn't change anything in the past.

 

I think I would have let her get her stuff and told her that you both knew she was lucky to get a text because she deserved less than that. I have a feeling she wouldn't have disagreed with that because she would know she really couldn't. And the whole, "You could have asked me if I was cheating" was her saying she cheated but excusing it because you "never asked".

 

Hope you got closure and it helps you get over it. You did show some confidence and self respect overall which is a good thing to add to your experience.

 

Well you guys did predict it, no doubting it. She did attempt to shift blame on me and not put anything on her. Sure I do admit some blame, I am way too nice, probably a little bit of a pushover. Obviously she did walk all over me and I did not respond in a way I should have, but it's how I am. I treat someone the way I want to be treated (With care, support, happiness, etc.). I did stand my ground at times throughout the relationship, but it's clear to me that it was not enough.

 

Thinking over the whole talk, she did say that I don't talk about a lot of things but only a specific subject and a lot of it (For example, Cars). Not a lot of her friends are really into cars which is something I am really into. I guess it bothered her since she couldn't join in on the conversation, but all of her conversations with her friends was talking about their other friends that I have never met, making me just sit there and listen. Sure I would ask questions here and there when I was able to, since there was contradicting information.

 

Regardless, what I need to do is find more interests to talk about with others more so than just a few subjects that not many may want to talk about. Cars/Video Games/Computers/Electronics. Maybe you guys can give some suggestions?

 

This girl is a walking. talking, living, breathing red flag and she would have made your life miserable.

 

Her immaturity and self centered behavior will come back and haunt her in the future and maybe by then, she'll grow up and start respecting other peoples feelings.

 

You could have been ugly and ignorant but you chose the right way and you did good. She's the one who couldn't look you in the eye.

 

My life was becoming miserable, she would constantly call, talking about her and her problems and then give the cold shoulder to my issues if any arose or if I wanted to talk about what I wanted to do. (This was not the case early in the relationship).

 

 

I do agree that maybe I shouldn't have seen her after the text message break up. She admitted confusion when I told her that we would talk. The talk was for me, to see her true colors now that she doesn't have to 'commit' to me. She was cold and childish. I know it has to do a lot with one of her high school friends. She is a very catty and self centered person. When they both hang out (which is not too often), my (Now Ex) GF would be a complete bitch about everyone, talking behind their back, etc. Sometimes this girl would get the GF to be mad at me, for the STUPIDEST reasons.

 

As an example, a Month ago (Mid November) we spent time together for 3 days at this event, she slept over at my house each night, so it was for over 48 hours. We had a great time together and had loads of fun, but near the end, she didn't feel well for an hour and we went to the nurse's office that was stationed. She told me that I should go out and have fun and I declined, telling her that I need to stay with her to make sure she's okay, that she's more important than some event that happens once a year. It put a big smile on her face. The next day (Monday), she hangs out with her classmates and one of them takes my GF's phone and texts me trying to 'sext'. I was at work, working really hard and knew that the way she was texting that it was not her, so I did not respond since it was annoying me. The same classmate was sending messages to the 'catty' high school friend who then oddly asked if I (Carsrcool) was ignoring her (My GF). which in turn started the stupidest argument between us. All of a sudden now she believed I never want to hang out with her and all I want is sex and nothing more. I made her eventually realize how she's not thinking straight and such but yea.. it takes a toll on me.

 

It's a real shame she didn't pull through but what am I going to expect. I'm just going to focus on school and work. Become successful and confident with myself so I don't have to be somewhat of a pushover, where I don't have to try to make her happy all the time (Not that I wouldn't do it at all ).

 

 

She did message me during Christmas..

"I know you don't celebrate it but merry Christmas :D"

 

An hour later, I showed the message to my parents, we agreed to be nice and just respond,

"Thanks. Merry Christmas to you too"

 

 

That's the end of it, I have a feeling she will do the same during new years, i don't think I will respond if she does attempt to message me. I don't plan on messaging her in a long time. I need to get over her, she still pops up in my mind and it bothers me

She's already doing the things we would do together with Guy B, they got linked on one of their friend's profiles that popped up. Look who's moved on already lol. I've hidden all the posts that would appear on the wall so that I would not see her or get any sort of her mentioned. Going No Contact

 

I at least witnessed first hand on how a girl may act when "**** is going down." I can now at least stand my ground with the next girl without contradicting myself like I did when I first posted.

[ThatMan]

Obviously she did walk all over me and I did not respond in a way I should have, but it's how I am. I treat someone the way I want to be treated (With care, support, happiness, etc.). I did stand my ground at times throughout the relationship, but it's clear to me that it was not enough.

I've looked through the conversations you've had with her. There are moments when you clearly feel uncomfortable but you do not mention it. You even display the opposite of discomfort - you laugh.

 

You've been insincere.

If you can remember for a moment that your now ex was also being insincere in her own feelings. Her actions clearly brought anguish into your life. So imagine what you do to other people when you deliberately conceal your thoughts and feelings. Being insincere is the opposite of care, support, and happiness. When you have a huge concern like what you've gone through, go ahead talk about it in a way that's considerate and tactful. Bottling sets yourself up for failure and it does not force a relationship to work. You have all the time in the world to figure this out. I just wanted to tell you that you never need to accept this for simply being stuck with how you are. Everybody grows and learns, including you.

 

 

I hope you continue with no contact. There's a good discussion in the Coping Section to help you understand the benefits of no contact. There's also something called 'leaving breadcrumbs', in which an ex knows how much you're struggling and they decide to leave you messages while you are in a vulnerable state. I promise you being wished a merry Christmas had little to do with you. You don't even celebrate Christmas. Her message had everything to do with herself and what she could get out of you.

Edited December 30, 2013 by ThatMan
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