mmmburrito Posted December 18, 2013 Posted December 18, 2013 Hey guys, I've been lurking for the duration of my post-break-up life, and I decided to take the leap and post. Thank you for all the good you do here on these boards. Here's my story: --8-year relationship, she ended it in October --First four years: 2 years together at college, 1 year long-distance (3hr car ride), 1 year long-distance (4hr plane ride) --lived together for the past 4 years (she moved across the country to me) --spent the past 4 years engaged For the first two years we lived together, I was in grad school and she was starting her career, having just earned her own master's. Her beginnings with her job/career were very stressful and she relied on me for comfort and support. She was very work-oriented; she didn't do much to find friends or her own recreation. It was all about spending time together. She did find a ballet class to take and has been going there ever since; she eventually found other dance classes and people to semi-befriend through her dancing. I have the feeling like she's had opportunities to make solid friendships, but something has held her back. Once I graduated, it took me over a year to find steady work. It was very stressful financially and I had a string of jobs that either did not pay well, were nightmare situations, or both. Then I got a solid job working nights in my field, and have been there for over a year and a half now. Since I started working nights, she says, is the big sticking point of us going downhill. She's been in therapy for the past year, and one of the things she's uncovered is that she apparently was "waiting for me" to have fun, to do things. So Friday nights she'd be alone, and then Saturdays and Sundays she'd be waiting for me to wake up to do anything. During the week she'd rush home to spend an hour or so with me before I had to go to work. Another thing has been why we never got married. At first it was on differences in religious views, but as we've matured we've both dropped that conflict. We both had to mature when it came to this specific manner, me especially, and I came around. The bigger reason we never got married was because she felt we never were on the same page about our future. I'm very career-oriented and have been clear about that for our entire relationship. It's why I went moved across the country and went to grad school. I also have a lot of student loans to deal with. These things make me hesitant to pin a date on when we're to have kids, settle down, etc. She's always been very supportive of my work, but has wanted a more clear timeframe of when all those things can happen. I want kids, the house, the whole nine yards with her, but it's hard to really plan that stuff out when I am in significant debt and am trying to build a successful career. She wants to know that in X years we'll do Y, and with a significant portion of my income going towards paying my loans, I don't know how we can do that. She hasn't had significant debt in a very long time, so she's been saving up, but that contributes to her feeling how one-sided her preparations are. So she says after thinking over it for months or years, that I need to move out, that we need to break up. In that order. I was a mess. Because of my financial situation, I had to take my time apartment-hunting. I needed to build up the funds and find the right place that I could afford. I stayed with my sister as much as I could, flew back to my parents for a few days, she spent almost a week out-of-town, but we still had to share the same roof more than I think she would've liked. But I got out, after about a month, moved almost single-handedly, and went NC for about a week or so. Then she started texting, because I had forgotten things. I did not leave anything on purpose. Moving out on my own was emotional and trying, and things slipped my mind. I also had to close my utility accounts and she needed to open her own, which led to her not having power for a day or so. I felt so bad, because I guess I could've reminded her to open her own, but we had talked about it earlier and I think she should've remembered to deal with her own power. We fought via text about this, but cooled off. We're pretty rational and fair fighters, I think, so we haven't really done much name calling or anything low. She's gotten over that. I arranged to come over and get the last of my stuff. I got stupid/crazy/hopeful and brought her a single flower, and that led to us spending the evening talking everything out and crying and everything. We saw each other a few more times, continued discussing our relationship and our potential future, which still remains her biggest concern. We've seen each other pretty much every weekend since then, and we've been in this same holding pattern: she tells me she loves me , I say the same, we both agree to wanting a future together, and working towards it. I've made a pretty big concession in telling her I'd move somewhere else with her. She doesn't know where, says it will take time to decide. This is part of what's coming from her therapy sessions. I guess she's never really made decisions on her own, and has done things basically because she thought her mother wanted her to, or later, because I wanted her to. So she needs to take an indeterminate amount of time and figure her stuff out. I get this, I've always been behind her when it comes to therapy and I know she needs it. I want her to have a clear idea of what she wants. But this leaves me in this limbo. She hasn't put my ring back on and won't talk anything when it comes to straight up committing here and now, but the talk is consistently that she loves me and wants to be with me for the rest of her life. Sometimes I'm afraid I made a mistake by trying to come back so quickly. But I look forward to seeing her, and she tells me unprompted that she loves me. That's so good to hear. Our weekends together are wonderful, better than we've had in a long time, but I come down hard from them. She was talking in her sleep this past time, telling me how she wanted me to stay, and I had to tell her I didn't live with her anymore, that she kicked me out, and she apologized, cried in her sleep. So even her asleep subconscious is reaching out to me here. We've been together a long time, have been the best of friends and most passionate lovers. She's everything I've always wanted, and I made that clear when I proposed to her. I could drop every cliche in the world on you guys, but I'll spare you and just say I have it good with this girl and I don't want to lose her. I've come around on quite a few things with her, and after the past few months post-break-up, I am now feeling pretty lost. Maybe she does needs time to figure everything out. The things that she's saying things may or may not contradict, even though I believe them. Now we're looking to fly back to our home state for Christmas, and have to face families and friends. I don't know what to do. I know I can't push her, and I know she needs to come to me when it comes to reuniting. But what am I doing? Am I wasting my time?
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