Exclusivity Conversation

[Lovingsomeone2013]

I'm curios as to how long after your dating someone is it acceptable to have this talk. I've been dating a guy for a month & we've seen each other a lot & have had sex. I've expressed my concerns about not sleeping with him & having him sleeping with other women as I'm not sleeping with other men. However I am one who gets hurt easily & am not up for investing myself into this relationship without feeling like its worth my time & that it's going some where. I talked with him a bit about my concerns regarding being scared of getting hurt & he talked about just seeing where things go. I feel like after a month one should know if this person whom they've been spending so much time with is indeed someone they're interested in continuing to get to know on a more exclusive level. I've talked to others about my fear of bringing this conversation up in fear of "scaring him off" & have been given feed back along the lines of "the scared off excuse just means they don’t like you as much as you like them , which is probably something that’s good to know. And what are the benefits of not asking for what you want anyway"? Also "If someone is that easily scared, then isn’t it better you learn say, after a month or two of seeing them, than after a longer period of time in which you’ve managed to fall madly in love with them? Aren’t these the sort of things we want, are important, to know before we invest"?

 

Intend to agree *with this advise, what are your thoughts? Also what are your thoughts if I do bring up the conversation & there is resistance from him, what's that telling me??

[freetolove]

Just say that you believe in one guy at a time thing and if he says NO move on!

[Lovingsomeone2013]

So you think it's ok to have this talk then? I feel like we kind of sorta of, but not really have, because I've talked to him a little about my feelings regarding getting hurt, etc. but the talk about exclusivity never came up. I'm just really wanting to know, because I feel myself emotionally falling for this guy (and he knows) & want to get out quickly if he's not feeling the exclusive thing. It think that's being fair to myself & feel I need to be fair to myself in an effort to not get hurt.

[Leigh 87]

If he met a girl he was truly crazy about, he would want to be exclusive right away.

 

The guys who have been really into me all knew from date on that they DIDNT want to see other women.

 

He likes you but he isn't that into you.

 

If he was into you he would have said " I really like you and I want to see how things go between the two of us; I don't want to see other people at this stage"

 

Move on.

[writergal]

If you are afraid to ask your romantic partner to meet your needs, i.e. "I want to be exclusive," then that is a red flag for yourself (a low self esteem indicator) and for your romantic partner (he's not interested in anything long-term).

 

I don't think you should be afraid to speak up for yourself about what you want from someone you've already slept with after 4 weeks. Is this a pattern for you, where you feel the need to wait for the guy to tell you what he wants, before you share with him what you want out of the relationship? If that is your dating pattern, that tells me you lack self confidence.

 

If you want to know if he sees you long term, then ask him. Do you see him as long term? What do you want out of this?

 

How do you know that he knows how you feel, if you "kinda sort of but not really" told him. If you have problems with communication, then you will never be able to have a real relationship that lasts long term.

 

Never assume you're exclusive just because you sleep together. And don't psychoanalyze his behavior either, to try to figure out why he either can't commit or won't bring it up. That's mind reading. And no one has the ability to read anyone's mind; just their own mind.

 

If you can bring yourself to directly ask him (not kinda sort of but not really), see what he says.

 

When you ask him, pay attention to how he responds because that will give you his answer. For example, if he responds by being quiet, or acts confused, or changes the subject, or says something vague about being exclusive "some day, now is not the right time," then he just isn't interested in being exclusive with you, but is too chicken to say so because he doesn't want to feel guilty for having to hurt your feelings (men do this manipulative behavior when they tie their self worth to how others view them). On the other hand, if he directly answers, "yes, I want to be exclusive with you," that is the only true "yes" answer there is. Any other kind of response is an elusive (not obvious) form of "no, not interested," meant to confuse you, and cause you to question yourself or doubt yourself or feel bad about yourself for asking for something you want (because some men out there would rather lie than tell the truth to the woman they need to reject) so you stick around for him to continue to date and have sex with. Not all men act this way, but some do. Sounds harsh, but it happens.

Edited December 18, 2013 by writergal

[Leigh 87]

If a man doesn't know after a month if he wants to be exclusive, he will continue to keep you around until he finds a girl he is nuts about.

 

don't think for a second that some guys just need "time" to "chill" and "take it easy" and " go with the flow":rolleyes:

 

They can do ALL those things ^^ in an exclusive arrangement.

 

A man knows right away if there is something about you that is special.

 

It does not take weeks for a man to figure out if he is crazy about you.

[d0nnivain]

IMHO if you are serious about someone, you have the exclusivity conversation before you have sex.

 

If you really need exclusivity to keep having sex, you have the conversation as soon as possible but you need to be willing to walk away if the other person wants to keep the relationship open.

[Fondue]

If a man doesn't know after a month if he wants to be exclusive, he will continue to keep you around until he finds a girl he is nuts about.

 

don't think for a second that some guys just need "time" to "chill" and "take it easy" and " go with the flow":rolleyes:

 

They can do ALL those things ^^ in an exclusive arrangement.

 

A man knows right away if there is something about you that is special.

 

It does not take weeks for a man to figure out if he is crazy about you.

 

SOme of your posts are genuinely nice, polite, and helpful. I usually like them.

 

But I always disagreed with your perception that all men fall head over heels for someone immediately. And that those that don't, are not the men you should be seeing. This is very, very unrealistic. I simply doesn't happen. Men MIGHT have been like this in the past, but definitely have cooled off recently. We have become more cautious. Society in general has. Both men and women. People take things slow and warm up to one another, not simply attach ourselves like magnets.

 

Besides, as we all know, relationships that start off hot, fast, and just over the top usually become rollercoaster rides, cool off quickly, and end in a steaming pile of drama-****.

 

I just wanted you to know that you have to lower your expectations of what it means to be attracted to someone. They are not correct.

 

With that said...

 

OP, you're probably in good position to ask about it now. I would just bring it up in conversation over some hookah, or something. Say you're no longer comfortable seeing other people, and want to keep things exclusive.

[todreaminblue]

if i consider and am dating a guy,and consider him worth knowing better and putting all my attention on....i ask straight up how do you feel about me dating others.....not necessarily meaning that i will.......but me just finding out how they feel about sharing...of they so dotn have a problem with it....they arent for me...incompatible....then i know how to move......either away or towards......deb

[Leigh 87]

SOme of your posts are genuinely nice, polite, and helpful. I usually like them.

 

But I always disagreed with your perception that all men fall head over heels for someone immediately. And that those that don't, are not the men you should be seeing. This is very, very unrealistic. I simply doesn't happen. Men MIGHT have been like this in the past, but definitely have cooled off recently. We have become more cautious. Society in general has. Both men and women. People take things slow and warm up to one another, not simply attach ourselves like magnets.

 

Besides, as we all know, relationships that start off hot, fast, and just over the top usually become rollercoaster rides, cool off quickly, and end in a steaming pile of drama-****.

 

I just wanted you to know that you have to lower your expectations of what it means to be attracted to someone. They are not correct.

 

With that said...

 

OP, you're probably in good position to ask about it now. I would just bring it up in conversation over some hookah, or something. Say you're no longer comfortable seeing other people, and want to keep things exclusive.

 

 

 

I don't mean totally nuts, from the instant you meet. I guess I amplified that I really meant.....

 

I mean that from the first date, a man knows if he has a good feeling about a girl, if he is super excited about her, if he has good chemistry with her and if he likes her enough to want to rule out other prospects.

 

The guys that have been the most into me, and all of the friends I know; they knew from the first date that they liked us enough to NOT want to see other people.

 

They weren't at our windows at night singing us love stories and proclaiming their undying love:lmao:

 

I meant the PRE - curser to falling head over heels DOES NOT normally start with indifference, or a lukewarm first date.

 

I have yet to meet a male who fell head over heels and very much in love with a women, who met her and thought: "gee, Sally is nice, but I am not sure about her and feel like dating other women still"

 

 

EVERY guy I know who DID eventually fall hard, they all knew from date one that they didn't feel like dating other women.

[Leigh 87]

I personally cannot imagine a guy thinking " well, I am really into this girl but, you know, I am going to date other women! I find myself thinking of this one girl a lot after our first date, I really like her and think of her a lot and all, but you know, I am still going to date others.. while I think a lot of the first girl and our wonderful date"

 

 

Can you see how ridiculous that all sounds ^^^? If a guy was really into a woman, why would he need to date other women, if the ONE woman was stuck in his head a lot of the time?

 

I get that after ONE date, sure, we don't want to throw out eggs into ONE basket; heck, I even multi dated once when I was really into a guy, since I didn't want to trust that he was genuine after only seeing him once.

After a month and a few dates though, come on... Most guys now by then if they are heading in the direction of being head over heels, crazy about a woman. If they are not this already ^^^^

 

On my first date with my boyfriend we talked all day for hours, I really enjoyed myself and later found out he did too; why would we date others when we were both clearly thinking a lot about each other, and how well the date went, and how much we wanted to see each other again?

 

A month is long enough for a man to know whether or not a woman really gets your heart racing.

 

 

 

 

I have never met a guy who is crazy about his wife or girlfriend, who took a month or more to figure out that he was really into her.

[Sand Man Dan]

He isn't very into you on a level outside the physical.

[clia]

I never understand the mindset of "Oh, I'll get naked with you and have an orgasm in front of you, but I'm afraid to ask you if we can be exclusive." Makes no sense to me.

 

That said, I don't think it's a good sign for you that you have been seeing him regularly and sleeping with him for the past month, but he "just wants to see where things go" and hasn't asked you to be exclusive. A month is more than enough time to know if you want to focus on one person, especially in light of what is going on between you two. If it is that important to you that he not be sleeping with someone else, you have to bring it up at this point. As noted above, it is better to bring all this up before you start sleeping with someone.

[Joaquin]

Guys with options will not automatically stop seeing other women just because you've appeared in his life.

 

Why should he when u could be seeing other men. The idea that they should assume to know u and what yr up to is a bit unrealistic. Heck u could disappear after a few meet ups.

 

A simple "I like u and would like us to exclusive, are u into that?" should be an easy enough conversation. A month in or maybe 4-5 dates seems like a good time frame for that convo. If he's up for it it will be an easy discussion and u will get an immediately positive response.

[CrystalCastles]

One month is PLENTY of time to establish exclusivity. Especially if you're seeing him regularly.

 

I think the reason why you are so reluctant to ask him about being exclusive, is because you already know the answer. And the answer is no.

 

This is a sign that this guy won't give you what you want, so you need to move on.

[Aquanut]

Hmm. No street creds here yet. Nevertheless...

 

Never assume you are exclusive unless you have talked about it. Even after you've talked about it you can't know whether you are being played. Always use condoms until you are quite sure your partner is trustworthy (and clean).

 

I will disagree with a previous poster and say guys can definitely be very interested in you and still say they want to just see where it goes. It only takes one very painful breakup to make someone very cautious.

 

My fiancée and I took it day by day at first. After about the 4th or 5th time we got together I told the other girls I was seeing at the time that I was taking my leave.

 

Then I had a conversation with her. I told her I like to date multiple people in the beginning to see who I click with but once things start getting physical I prefer to focus on one person. She told me that she didn't like to share. We agreed that we would not see other people while we were seeing each other but either of us was free to pull the plug at any time without any recriminations. It was only then that we had sex. We were exclusive - but not committed in any I will be with you forever or even next week sort of way. Our only promises were honesty.

 

I was really into her. I was nuts about her. But I didn't stop dating others immediately. And for the first few months we never planned anything more than a week in advance- this was intentional to maintain perspective and to focus on the now and not the future. Gradually that changed. Then one day when we were walking along the beach I wrote in the sand "forever?" She took her foot and erased the question mark. Three months later I gave her a ring.

[writergal]

One month is PLENTY of time to establish exclusivity. Especially if you're seeing him regularly.

 

I think the reason why you are so reluctant to ask him about being exclusive, is because you already know the answer. And the answer is no.

 

This is a sign that this guy won't give you what you want, so you need to move on.

 

Hah! 1 month is not enough time to establish exclusivity. Not by a long shot. Try 3-6 months. And even then, the exclusivity clause may not be mutual. It just depends on each person in the situation. 4 weeks is just 4 weeks. Not much time in the scheme of things. Until one has the "exclusivity conversation," dating multiple people at the same time is acceptable.

[Zahara]

I have to agree with CrystalCastles. Your reluctance to ask is because you know the answer.

 

I've had a guy ask for exclusivity after the 5th date, and I've had the uncomfortable conversation with two guys about exclusivity only to get the standard "let's just see where it goes" and most times that response means it's not going where we want it to go. It could mean he isn't sure or that he doesn't want to be exclusive but doesn't know how to say no or the dreaded string you along until he finds another prospect.

 

Different people have different expectations. If a guy is interested in you, and he can tell after a month, he'd take the next step and it's not going to scare him away.

 

You want what you want. The best thing you can do for yourself is ask. Whatever his response, it'll help you move forward.

[PinkInTheLimo]

I've expressed my concerns about not sleeping with him & having him sleeping with other women as I'm not sleeping with other men. However I am one who gets hurt easily & am not up for investing myself into this relationship without feeling like its worth my time & that it's going some where.

 

It read too many of these stories here. Yes you express your concern about sleeping with him and not wanting to invest in something that is not going anywhere, and YET you have sex with him. Not the best approach if you get easily hurt.

 

You talk the talk but you don't walk the walk. Do you think this guy is going to give one damn about your concerns if you don't make them into an actual boundary? No, the guy sees that you talk the talk but still sleep with him. So you are basically giving him the message that you can be messed around with.

If you want to be sure that dating him is going somewhere, then have dates in a public setting, and do so for at least two months. If he still around, it's probably an indication that he is interested in more than some bed action.

 

Voicing your concerns is not enough. You have to check what his position is on your concerns.