LonelyQueen Posted January 4, 2005 Posted January 4, 2005 Hi, I am new around here. I need some help regarding my relationship. My boyfriend and I have been together for 6 months and it has been really hard for me to deal with several things that have popped out. He is not really honest and I am getting tired of his allibies for excusing what he is doing wrong. Among the many things that are not right comes up the fact that I found a picture of him and and an exgirfriend who he supossed did not spoke to, kissing in the cheek very passionately (this is a picture so it does not show the whole figure) and the picture was taken during our relationship. I've asked him and he first denied it, then said they made peaces and they took the picture in the moment of making peaces, but it sounds like a lazy excuse after swering he did not come near her since he doesn't like her and bla bla bla. Then he sweared over his dead mom's body that he would have not come close to her, then I showed him the picture and he said: Ohhh, THAT picture. Then he apologized for the mistake and we "resolved" the issue, or so I thought. Despite all my reserves and my suspicions, I tried the forget the whole thing and put it back for us to move on. Then with a very bad luck for me and specially for him, I found porn pictures of him with other woman, involving dildo's, oral sex, menage a trois and bottles. I was completely shocked. Thought I knew he might be hidden something else, the most I thought I was going to find was pictures of naked ladies or him kissing with someone, I mean what we find "normal", but never up to this degree. I do not want to make a judgement statement but definately is not someone I could blindly trust to be with. He claims this is old stuff. In fact I am not as worried for all this as I am on how he respond to things. He works nightshifts, he doesn't have goals and setted ideals to focuss himself into. He goes to sleep around 7 a.m and wakes up around 12 hours late, he is hard to get a hold of, he hardly responds to my calls, and I do not call him during the day since I know he is sleeping and respect his time. But then he is hard to find and when I come to the messenger system we use to speak he is always at work and always to busy to answer anything I might need to speak to him. Our fights have been resolved over the phone, messenger or with sms messages. I'm a single mom, independent with my own house and pay my own bills, and I feel I do not need to watch over a grown up man. Besides I feel frustrated since he is supossedly interested in our relationship. He also works as a photographer for events in pubs, clubs, disco's and specially for concerts, though he is working ad-honorem, he doesn't like to miss any event. I was clear with him regarding this, but he always makes me feel like I am taking something sacred from him. It is ok with me if he goes and takes his shots, but the problem comes when I see that he asks for permissions to miss work for the events but has hardly sacrifice anything for spending quality time with me. He was already planning to come to my parent's house for Christmas, take me to his parents and leave me home to go to his activities. And so he did for New Years Eve. I feel bad, this is not what I dreamed a relationship to be or feel like. He hides his celular phone, locks it, or goes to the bathroom or to the garden to speak on the phone. Answer his sms messages while we are together, and sometimes we hardly spend time since he is concentrated in his phone. I have given him too much space in my life and in my house. He comes to my house and spends nights goes to work and sometimes comes back and stays there, he can go over all my stuff, I have nothing to hide and so I do not feel treatened by his presence, but I don't feel the same situation where he is concerned. I am angry at this point, frustrated and do not know what to do. I love him badly and the plans we've made for the future seemed nice and possible since he was telling me his progress in many areas, but right now with his behaviour I doubt he really means what he says. I feel I represent lots of comfort for him, I am a family person and a hard working woman with no vices and with high values, I am not uptight and I do not want to judge him for his past, I want to be fair and be objective, but how realistic is for me to believe it won't happen again, or he is not sneaking around. At the event's, the pictures are always showing me him speaking with ladies, taking shots with them, and is obvious to me he is playing around, so I really don't know if I can believe his good intentions with me and our relationship. The fact that he want's to keep the relationship no matter what, makes me worried more than happy, since I see his habits and I realize that it is very comfortable for him to have a place where he is treated like a king without much effort. The truth is that any inteligent man who meets me and is treated like I treat him will be flattered. I am a very very good girlfriend and a very open minded person that he could speak anything with me, why always hidding things? why always bad surprises? I don't feel our sex life is a problem, at the contrary, is amazingly good for both. I love sex and I do not use it as a weapon or as an emotional way of manipulating things like most people do sometimes. It worries me the fact that I do not know if I should trust him.
HokeyReligions Posted January 4, 2005 Posted January 4, 2005 Sheesh! He sounds like a real loser. Are you only holding on to him because of sex? You obviously can't trust him, you have only been together six months -- dump him and find someone who is a better match to you morally and ethically. You'll have even better sex if you love, respect and trust someone. The fact that he want's to keep the relationship no matter what, makes me worried more than happy, since I see his habits and I realize that it is very comfortable for him to have a place where he is treated like a king without much effort. The truth is that any inteligent man who meets me and is treated like I treat him will be flattered. I am a very very good girlfriend and a very open minded person that he could speak anything with me, why always hidding things? why always bad surprises? Some people are lazy, good-for-nothing jerks who keep girlfriends or boyfriends because they are master manipulators and the sex is good. Save yourself further grief, stop asking questions as though the relationship should be saved, and move on. When I was younger I used to wear shoes that hurt my feet. I bought them too small because they didn't have my size, or the style was just wrong for my feet and I couldn't walk without pain, but damn! they looked good! My attitude was worse when I wore them because really, when your feet hurt it effects every things. Mood, sense of humor, ability to focus, ability to please self and others...... As I got older and out in the work world and dealing with other things I started finding shoes that were more comfortable. My attitude changed for the better. New friends liked me because I had a sense of humor again, I could focus on work, not on the blister forming on my heel. This guy sounds like a pair of very uncomfortable shoes to me.
thebeesknees Posted January 4, 2005 Posted January 4, 2005 Great analogy Hokey Lonely, any one of those examples would be enough for me to question a relationship. A normal guy who loved you wouldn't act that way. I am always wary of people who tell you one thing and then change their story when you have 'proof'. Chances are, this is not the only thing he stretches the truth about. You have already spent too much time and emotion on this man. Move on.
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