Our crazy summer romance/my first love. Need to stop that blind hope!

[fartastica]

Hello everyone! Long time [21/F] lurker on LoveShack here. For weeks I’ve struggled about whether or not I should post, but reading everyone's stories and supportive response has been so instrumental in nursing my first heartbreak, I regard doing this—throwing my own story out there—as my final step of healing. I will try to edit everything down and make sure it has nice flow, to make it as easy of a read as possible!

 

 

I met him [21/M]-- let’s call him D—while we were going through security check in a German airport. We were both enrolled in a summer language learning program where we stayed in a university in Europe to learn that language by immersion. We grew up in the same city, but I go to college in NYC, and he studies in the UK.

 

We randomly started chatting and immediately hit it off talking about pop culture and traveling. Over the course of our conversation, we realized that we have actually met each other as kids—our (nutjob!) parents have both strong-armed us into joining this super embarrassing children’s choir when we were 10. It was hilarious reminiscing over those times, and I’ve never had an easier conversation with someone I’ve just met. It really wasn’t anything romantic at first: We always had interesting banter and possessed the same snarky sense of humor, which came in handy when you’re stuck with 50+ loud college-aged kids!

 

Everyone found their cliques within the program pretty quickly, and we naturally formed this core group of 4: Me, D, and two other girls. The four of us would travel everywhere together, talk about anything, and always eat out after class. It was those dinner conversations I’ve always wanted to have—over amazing wine, sitting on the esplanade under the balmy night breeze, and laughing uncontrollably about something funny he said until food came out of our noses. All of us grew very close, but D and I would always find ourselves in our own little world, engrossed in some inside joke. I think the other girls (who were amazing and will remain my great friends) picked up on that, and were always rooting for us to be together.

 

Eventually, the topic turned to each of our backgrounds, and I discovered that he came from a very dysfunctional family: He grew up on the lap of luxury, but with very little affection coming from his parents. They are both high-ranking government officials (as a matter of fact, his mother was the chair of this academic program—I will get to her later) and are the most distrusting and emotionally-stunted people I’ve ever heard of. Although D would sometimes come off as a bit spoiled and immature, I was honestly surprised that he turned out to be a relatively compassionate human being, given his circumstances.

 

There was another completely crazy thing we had in common: We had the same birthday, which fell on one of the weekends we were in Europe. Our friends threw us this huge blowout party and we all went clubbing, it was the best birthday I’ve ever had. He asked me to get a smoke with him outside the club, and we ended up sitting on the balcony, talking for hours. That was when I realized I have hopelessly fallen for this person. I tried hard to hide it as I thought he probably didn’t have feelings for me, but I’m guessing I didn’t do it very well—since three days later, he kissed me and asked me to be his girl.

 

Our time together was completely blissful, as for all couples in their honeymoon phase, I guess: I have been in relationships before, but never have I felt so strongly for another person. That was the first time I feel like a significant other is looking at me exactly the way I’d like to be appreciated. He loved that I was an independent girl who knows what she wants in life and how to achieve them. But the prospect of parting has always loomed over us: We had a little less than a month left together, and immediately after the program ends I have to return to NY. I remember staring into his eyes and never being so sure about anything else in my life: I knew I wanted to lose my virginity to him, while we were still in Europe. (He was much more experienced)

 

But actually sealing the deal proved to be a very difficult task: His mother flew in and supervised the students for the last week of the program, and because he NEVER shares any details of his personal life with his mom, we had to keep our relationship secret. Even though I understand where he was coming from, I was still hurt. And of course, his mother immediately disliked our group and thought her son could be doing much better than having friends like us—three middle-class girls who are nothing but “vultures” trying to profit from him. Bitch be crazy since I never took anything from him: I never let him pay for anything as it’s exactly the impression I didn’t want anyone to get—that I’m after his family money and status.

 

I think his mother could sense that there’s something between us, and asked D relentlessly whether we are dating or not. He lied and said there was nothing between us, that I had a boyfriend and she was just overthinking. His mother then went on badmouthing me, implying that I was “slutty” for being so close to him while in a relationship, and that I must have a secret agenda. Naturally, I was not thrilled about this accusation and was so disappointed that he couldn’t stand up for me in front of his mother. But eventually I moved past it, as I knew he was committed to me enough otherwise. When we finally spent the night together, it was pure magic: We listened to jazz and danced stark naked in close embrace. He said he would never let go of me, since what were the odds of finding another girl who was smart, pretty (in his words), who completely gets him and is born on the same day?

 

I was weary when he asked me to go long distance with him at the end of summer: I knew so many friends whose LDRs didn’t work out, and was worried that we didn’t have a strong enough foundation to go into one. (We were only dating for 1 month at that point) He convinced me that distance won’t be an issue for us, and he would get a part-time job to save up and come see me in NY. He gave me a letter when we were at the airport and said “I love you.” I loved him too, in whatever capacity of my understanding of love at this very young age. I dug up some old photos of us in the choir: We were standing right next to each other, without knowing that 10 years down the line, we would fall in love! Life works in mysterious ways.

 

A month into the LDR and we were fine— Skyped everyday, showered each other in endearments, the usual humdrum. Eventually, however, the distance took a toll on us: We would both well up on how it was a blessing to have met each other, but how painful it was to be apart. He told me that everything he saw in England reminded him of me: magazines (I’m an aspiring journalist), my favorite latte, even the pen I like to use. We decided that I would go visit him for Christmas (splitting the cost--he wanted to pay for everything at first and I refused) He even began to look for graduate schools in NY, so he can move closer to me after graduation.

 

But things took a turn for the worse when school started for him: He was stressed about where to go for his master’s as the deadline gets closer. There weren’t any good schools for what he wanted to study on the East Coast. He became more and more distant and after a fight we had, he acted like a jerk to me for days. I got an ominous feeling we might not be working out, and all I really wanted was to be treated with respect. So I asked him to take a few days to decide whether or not he still wanted this relationship. He said he doesn’t know what he wants anymore, but he would think about everything and tell me the next day.

 

The next day came, and he never called. I was like a cat on a hot tin roof, but decided to wait it out one more day as I knew he had been drinking a lot. When I contacted him he said he still needed more time. Fine. By the time weekend rolled around I just couldn’t stand to be on death row anymore, and I told him to give it to me straight via Skype. He appeared agonized and said he was a hypocrite and a coward, that the LDR was tiring him out despite all his promises. He said I deserve with be with a much better guy in NY who is close and can actually take care of me. He said he could never reciprocate the level of love and care I had for him.

 

That last sentence was a dagger to my chest. This was the first person I’ve completely opened up to and really thought we are in it for the long haul. I knew there was nothing I could possibly say to change his mind, so I just accepted it with as much grace and composure I could feign. In retrospect, it was foolish of me to surrender all the power, where I should have just ended things when I feel like he wasn’t into it anymore.

 

I have implemented NC and it’s been 2 months (except breaking it once for a brief and unsatisfying conversation). I have finally sworn off looking at his social media—everybody here is absolutely right, looking at his partying pics on Facebook does nothing but hurt me. For the most part, I am fine: my head is screwed on very straight and nobody can ever break me enough for me to give up on myself. I channeled my heartbreak pain into working on my own career, and I am proud to say that I got a dream internship lined up, and I just won a scholarship for student journos!

 

 

Of course, I still think about him every day, and sometimes that overbearing pain takes over and I find myself slumped on the floor, bawling and asking the universe why the hell it didn’t work out. I’ve had countless dreams of our reconciliation, and waking up from those ARE THE WORST. I think part of my melancholy also stems from nostalgia: This past summer in Europe was the happiest time of my life, and I wonder if I’ll ever get to experience something that amazing again. This guy was like (forgive me as I’m about to get ridiculous) twin flame--my mind was so blown by the fact that we were born on the same day and fit together like 2 pieces in a puzzle. We could seriously finish each other’s sentences. How will I ever be so connected to someone again?

 

 

Deep down, I still harbor the pathetic hope that maybe a few years down the line when we move back to our city, we might get back together. I know that this is an extremely toxic thought and I need all the help I can get to kill it. I just WISH he realizes what he has given up, although there’s nothing I can do. So everyone: Please slap me into my senses! any advice on getting over that hopeful mindset would be appreciated!

 

 

Thank you so much for taking the time to read this whole novel!

[Robbyrob]

Wow your story sounds just like mine!!!

 

I think you have no other choice than going NC and living your life!

LDR is the hardest thing to deal with and it changes people.

If you were with him all the time without going back to your own city, everything would have worked out, but the distance changes. MY ex also told me right now she wouldnt feel the same anymore for right now and weeks before I was still her everything and best boy she met in life.

 

At the end we need to think realistic if it really does make sense. I know its so hard and difficult. I am in the exact and same situation! But you need to go your own way and maybe in life you will meet again. Im always looking for an answer but there is no answer. You didnt do anything wrong.Love yourself and try to meet new people and new guys.

 

Believe me, be glad we have distance inbetween, that will make it lil bit easier for us, otherwise it would be even harder.

Take all the time you need to grow and learn from it. The great memories will always stay and he knows that too.