Sticky ex-boyfriend problems!

[randomusername1]

Hi all, I know you probably get plenty of first timers posting here fueled by a mixture of heartache and impatience looking to clarify what they already know, so I apologise if I come across in that way! I've never joined a forum for advice from strangers but I'd genuinely value any of your opinions.

 

It's nothing too dramatic.. my girlfriend and I have been 'together' for 2 months and have only known each other for about 5 months. I've been in a handful of year-or-two-long lasting relationships before and I like to think of myself as far from naive but I genuinely love the girl. I can't believe my luck and it makes me reflect quite humourously on my past heartaches and headaches if you know what I mean...

 

Anyway.. The issue is her ex. I'm 26 by the way and she's 22, she was with her ex boyfriend (same age as her) for 4 years, it was her first relationship and her first taste of love. They split about 3 months before we met and considering the circumstances (first love, length etc) I knew there'd be a few hiccups but I'd have been a fool to let that get in the way unless I thought she still had a thing for him, which I'm sure she does not.

 

I'm better looking, a lot more mature, infinitely more intelligent / better in bed / suited to her (her words not mine!) etc. My concern isn't that she wants him again as she said she now views their relationship as nothing in comparison to ours even at this early stage but more that she's started saying she has the occasional urge to contact him. I don't quite know why this bothers me as I've never been the jealous type before? She never thinks about him when she's with me but she occasionally thinks of him when she's alone for any length of time. They were your textbook miss-matched youthful couple; met in a club, lustful, allowed herself to get emotionally attached to someone that she shares nothing with but intimacy which then creates the illusion of love, comfort... nothing to be ashamed of, we've all been there.

 

He broke her heart and wanted nothing to do with her until months after when he discovered that we were seeing each other and then all of a sudden he quite selfishly wanted her back (no longer had her as a backup / comfort blanket, wants what he can't have, again we've all been there). I know she's not fully over him which makes me think we probably met too soon but if we'd had met before she wouldn't have been single and any later and we wouldn't have met at all.. it was pure chance but we're fine with the timing. The two main reasons for her desire to contact him (in her words as a result of my prodding) are:

 

1) He really hurt her and I suppose subconsciously she doesn't fully want him to get over her as she wants him to suffer in the same way / doesn't want him to forget about her

2) She misses his family, walking his dog, his home, the fact that he knew her well (purely as a result of time).. she misses everything but him really haha - which is understandable as you do often get attached to the aspects of what you think is a nice relationship to convince yourself it's all good.

 

She said she's comforted by the fact that she could talk to him if she needed to, but I'm hoping that she'll gradually lose the desire to do that over time. I guess this has all made me realise that when I feel a lot for someone perhaps I can get a little insecure! I've told her it'll take much longer to get over him if she keeps contacting him and that he is clearly already hurt and regrets breaking up with her but for all for the wrong reasons and that you need to let him move on and find happiness (he text her once recently saying something like "I can't even think of sex with other girls other than you, I can't stop thinking about you". She keeps telling him that she's moved on and is happy. It's all very confusing!

 

In case it's not clear she is a very considerate, extremely mature, maternal, sweet and shy person, not spiteful or a typical youth at all. I generally have quite little patience for issues like this but I have to appreciate that she's young and very sensitive, usually I'd have run a mile from the baggage but you only live once and I'm utterly in love with her! She got quite emotional the other day on a rather romantic evening in and said that I'm too good to be true and that for the first time she's been infatuated with me from day 1 and could seeing us being together indefinitely, which despite being a bit full-on I'm actually fine with and couldn't agree more. Neither of us were looking for anything serious but.. you know how it goes.

 

I've wracked my brain thinking about it so I was wondering whether a fresh mind (or 10) could possibly foresee any problems in the not too distant future or if it is just a minor hiccup caused by the timing of our meeting?

 

I guess I'm just a sap looking for reassurance! Go easy on me

[nescafe1982]

The title of this thread culled a very different image in my mind. But here goes.

 

If this young woman respects you, she should not be in contact with her ex at all. Now, I'm not one of those people who says you can't be friends with an ex... but this guy is actively pursuing her, sending her racy text messages, and is basically trying to steal her away. And from the sounds of it, she's letting it happen because either 1) she enjoys the attention and drama, or 2) she is entertaining getting back together with him. Either is a piss poor prospect.

 

I'm not sure you're GF is as mature as you think she is, basically. yes, you're timing with this relationship was less than amazing, but it's basic respect ad courtesy to protect a relationship from this kind of nonsense.

 

Are you two exclusive? If so, If I were in your shoes, I would tell her you expect her to not carry on with men who are flirting, pursuing, or otherwise acting in a disrespectful manner towards her or your relationship. I would tell her you expect her to end her weird affair with her ex, immediately. No contact. And I would be prepared to walk away if she cannot live up to those very reasonable expectations.

[randomusername1]

Thanks for the response! I agree with what you said in principal.

 

She's said he doesn't have anything that I can't give her, I think it's just the immature attachment? If we never met he would never have got jealous and I don't think he would have felt the need to contact her unless her got bored and lonely, in which case she'd probably have been over him by that stage. Either way, I said to her very openly something like; "Genuinely, I don't want to get hurt, you don't want to get hurt, I'm not an unreasonable guy and you say you love me, in which case; If you feel something flame-like for your ex that could end up separating us, as hard as it may be just tell me and I'll be happy" and she said she feels absolutely nothing for him romantically, isn't attracted to him whatsoever and doesn't have a desire to be with him. But she can't explain why she sometimes thinks about him and also said "If the situation were reversed it'd kill me so I know it must be frustrating for you".

 

I asked her what she'd do if it were the other way round and she replied "you're worth it so I'd be patient". Is it just a matter of patience?!

[BeingMe]

Are you sure you're not more than 4 years older than her? The way you speak about her age & experience compared to your own...sounds like you have a lot more life experience than that?

 

Anyway. It reads like your her rebound. The only way she's going to be able to work out her feelings for both of you, is if you offer to give her space to work it out for herself. It's a risk, but it's worth it to find out now, rather than further down the line. And it would show respect for her confused feelings and respect for yourself.

[randomusername1]

Cheers for the reply..

 

Haha, I'm sure. I'm 26 and she's 22. But yes I've had far more experience. I also thought about me being her rebound, I asked her about that and she said there's not a chance in hell. I've had a few rebounds myself and they've been nothing like this, I only broke up with my ex of 3 years a month before she broke up with hers and I have no desire to speak to mine whatsoever so why is she? Lack of experience in separating herself from her emotions and the benefit of cold turkey? She tells me she knows that what I'm saying makes sense but a lot of time logic does not apply in most emotional situations.

 

You're right though, I should probably say to her that I've had time to think (she's away with family as of yesterday until new years eve) and that if I do mean this much to you then you'll respect my request for you to not contact your ex again.. Or else I should give her space, but even at 26 it's hard to risk it like that

[BeingMe]

A couple of things:

 

 

1. You don't need to make it an ultimatum like that. You talk honestly and let her know that you're glad that she can be honest with you about what she's feeling. But that knowing she feels that and still sees him, makes you feel uncomfortable and isn't healthy as part of your relationship dynamic. Then ask her what she thinks she should do about that (don't let her get you off topic). If she feels you imposed NC between her and her Ex, she will resent you and you will have put yourself in the parental role.. If she feels she chose it herself, she will have worked out and strengthened her own boundaries, which will help her to mature for herself - much better in the long run

 

2. You say you don't understand why she feels that about her ex and you don't. Well,was she the dumped one? Were you? Had you already mentally checked out of your relationship before it ended? Are you more guarded? All thosethings can affect how we feel after a break-up

[randomusername1]

BeingMe - Thanks. I have been honest with her about how I feel, I'm too old for games, I can quite easily recognise games and I know when someone has hidden motifs and intentions. I'm genuinely not worried about her going back to him, I know it wouldn't work - I've explained to her how I've gone back to people / got people back in the past in identical situations due to loneliness / being bored of the single life and it always blows up very soon after for the same reasons it did the first time round. She knows that, she agrees with me and doesn't want him anyway.

 

Surely it's not a matter of 'letting her go' to then hope she comes back to me when it's me she wants anyway? I'm sure her feelings are based purely on the fact that we met too soon and she didn't have time to mourn him due to the fact he got back in contact with HER as a jealous response to knowing that she is now with me?

 

Sorry if it seems like I have all my own answers but despite advice from the left and right I know that's how she feels so I guess it comes down to.. Given the above circumstances (in this reply), is there a good chance she will just eventually forget about him?

 

One idea I had is to let her meet up for him with a coffee in the new year, for closure. That's probably the best way to get it out of her system. She doesn't still SEE him by the way, they just occasionally message each other via whatsapp (couple / few weeks). good / bad idea?

 

Thanks again!

[SincereOnlineGuy]

The most important factor for you, OP, is tiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiime... and once you have accumulated enough of combined time and recency to out-weigh the 4 years they spent together... then you'll be in the clear.

 

 

And y'know, why shouldn't a young woman have the occasional urge to contact her first serious boyfriend????

 

Little things like teddy bears at the State Fair, and school dances, and other stuff like that mean a lot to girls... and yeah, this 'ex' was the one there for those...

 

But what you've gotta resolve, is that you won't fly off the handle in response to this little-ish thing, and ruin the general shut-out you're pitching when comparing yourself directly TO her 'ex' in terms of what kind of a 'catch' you are.

 

Time is your ally...

[randomusername1]

Thanks for that mate, you speak a lot of sense. A lot of people on these forums (I joined 3) seem to be particularly bitter as though they've been hurt horrendously in the past. The main advice has been "Tell her she must stop it at all if she has any respect for you - if I were you I'd dump her". I was near the point of thinking "You know what, I need respect, she's not respecting me, so I'm going to lay down the law and TELL her my demands and if she doesn't like it I'm gone", but I was convinced that was retarded.

 

The irony in being sure I was better than her boyfriend and then flying off the handle at the thought of her still contacting him makes me laugh, and you're right. Thanks

[GoreSP]

Well, even if they were 'mismatched', they were together for 4 years...this creates habits and, most importantly, attachment.

 

If they broke up less than a year ago, chances are she is still dealing with the break-up and one way people do this is to get a new partner that 'fills up the void' for a while. The word is rebound.

 

Now I'm not saying this is the case with you, but just be careful you don't get hurt is all I'm saying...

[InnocentMan]

Most new relationships come from a 'rebound' standpoint, one way or another. Blaming her behaviour on the rebound effect, is a cop-out. Of course she probably has residual feeling for an ex that dumped her, who doesn't? Does it justify continued contact with him? Only you can decide that.

 

The problem with situations like this, is you end up spending more time talking about it, than you do your own relationship. Even when you're not discussing it, it's on both peoples minds. A couple is 2 people, not 3.

 

I wouldn't advise to break up with her, but I do think she needs time alone. Whether that's practical is another matter. Her 'encouraging' inappropriate texts, is hardly a good start for any relationship.

[randomusername1]

GoreSP - I see what you're saying, but... My ex-ex broke up with me, she met someone else a month later and is still with him 4 years later. I also met my ex 2 months after that which lasted 3 years.. I then broke up with her and she's fallen madly in love with someone who is perfect for her 2 months later and I'm happy for her. Point being, you can never tell the outcome of a rebound as it depends on the person. I'm not a sappy love-blind type person, I know that my current girlfriend is an incredible person and I believe her when she says she loves me, I'm just cautious of the fact that obviously she likes the closeness and to be with someone after the agony of the breakup.

 

InnocentMan - very fair points. I can justify her contacting him as she says it's just her way of dealing with it, she's quite a fragile person, she's only 22 and her ex was her first relationship, a long one at that. So far it's only been a couple of message exchanges in a row, twice in 2 months, inspired by the fact that he contacted her first. His inappropriate text was a result of his inability to accept the fact that wanting her suddenly because she's now taken is retarded and she knows that, I don't think she even replied to that message. She's away for Xmas for 2 weeks in a place with barely any internet access so I'm using this as a period to think and hopefully she'll do the same as we can only chat via email every few days.

 

Thanks for taking the time to reply guys I really appreciate it. Hopefully things will be clearer in the new year!

[GoreSP]

GoreSP - I see what you're saying, but... My ex-ex broke up with me, she met someone else a month later and is still with him 4 years later. I also met my ex 2 months after that which lasted 3 years.. I then broke up with her and she's fallen madly in love with someone who is perfect for her 2 months later and I'm happy for her. Point being, you can never tell the outcome of a rebound as it depends on the person. I'm not a sappy love-blind type person, I know that my current girlfriend is an incredible person and I believe her when she says she loves me, I'm just cautious of the fact that obviously she likes the closeness and to be with someone after the agony of the breakup.

 

 

Oh I know! But just because all these other times worked out, doesn't mean this one will.

Like I said - just be careful you don't get hurt