The more I think about it....

[Nothisgirl]

Confusion.

Guess work.

Unsatisfied desires.

 

?? I'm lost

[Nothisgirl]

It is harder to back out. You see all the warning signs some more obvious than others but some where you hope there is going to be something great come of all of this.

 

You can't be the only one feeling the way you are. How could he just walk away from this feeling.

 

Let me tell you I bought this hook line and sinker once and did get the girl in the end. I actually talked to her Husband one day on the phone and he told me you have no idea what you are getting into. He said shes always sick even when she is not. I'm thinking in my head this guy is just saying anything he can to push me from her. He goes on telling all kinds of other wilds things. I figure he is off his rocker. Sure enough she leaves him and they start the divorce. I spent six months with her living together. She demanded I marry her. Every thing he had said was true. She was crazy. I told her I was not going to marry her and she left a few weeks later.

 

It was probably one of the worst situations I had ever gotten myself into. I ruined their marriage not like it was much of one but it was theirs and they did have kids together. I caused my own kids a lot of grief they do live with me I have custody of them.

 

I learned a lot from that experience. Careful what you wish for you just might get it.

 

You say you love him. I say RUN while you still can.

 

Clay

 

Whoa. That's crazy! But I know others who this has happened to..my ex husband left me for his OW, married her, she cleaned him out financially and left 8 months later..he will tell you, me, anyone who will listen that it was the single biggest mistake of his life.

 

Ty for your response. He will be sad when I walk away and NC will make him crazy (not in a psycho way) but I think being as angry as I am will help me make the break

 

Do you all think I can do it over email/text

Face to face I always chicken out/am not firm enough

[Clay]

I would do it by email and just walk away clean.

 

Clay

[Snipercatt]

If you have made the decision to end this R then I agree that you end this in what ever fashion permits you to move on, with resolve. If a face-to-face would jeopardize that resolve, then end it in a manner that works for you.

 

Don't worry about "owing" him that information in a certain fashion, or worry about whether it would be rude. Just do it.

[experiencethedevine]

Long story short is that he picked me up for a "date" we typically meet in a neutral spot and take my car from there..anyways he picked me up at my house and told me he had rented a room in a really lovely hotel..arranged dinner and wine...keep in mind I had made up my mind to initiate NC that night so I think he must have known and upped the ante...anyways, we talked, laughed, cried..I said NC was what I needed but wasn't very firm...anyways I feel asleep in his arms only to be woken at 1am still dizzy from drinking wine to be told he couldn't stay the night and we had to check out and drive home...I was in my bed, alone, by 230am...I don't think I've ever felt more pissed/humiliated

 

I know that he doesn't see it that way but I really don't care. Mm needs to start using his brain...

 

 

 

He woke you at 1 in the morning to make you take him home after he'd had his fill of you?? What a vile pig..............................................

[Britain]

Yes this is tiring and beneath anyone. I am glad you are feeling stronger and knowing you are decibels better than being treated as second fiddle . You can again be on top of the world. I also agree with the snarky comments. Constructive criticism is well and good, but the silly banter, take it with a granule of salt. It would be as snarky as telling someone asking a question about their wayward spouse, you married the ass, your decision, your problem. We are not children here, we know when being riled.

[violet1]

The angrier I get!! I am so tired of:

 

-having to hide, restaurants, shops out of the way..we cant go out in our own city

-lying to my family and friends

-hearing how "complicated" it is for him to leave

-feeling so wrapped up in him...I'm more independent than this!!

-the guilt..omg the guilt. Enough said

-hating myself for doing this to another woman..I'm a better person than this

 

I read in another thread someone say something to the effect of " you are an adult who IS capable of making a decision" (paraphrasing) and you know what?? I am!! And I will...as much as it hurts and is hard..I attempted the start of NC on Friday and he's not really listening and I'm not being firm enough..however every single time I think about having to leave that hotel room (see my other thread) in the middle of the night because "he couldn't stay" I get angrier. I deserve so so much more

 

End rant.

 

What are you tired of???

 

Use your anger to your advantage. Affairs are very addicting and difficult to break free from. If you start to feel the temptation to break NC, log in here and reread your above post. If you start to miss him, think about how humiliated you felt when you left the hotel at 1 am. Use how sick and tired you are to get yourself out of this mess. You can do this! Just keep telling yourself, "I deserve better!"

[Britain]

Your anger will turn into a beautiful, a soothing ~conviction~, you will have the rigid belief, fully convinced, the conviction you are more beautiful than this, more deserving of a man you can count on. One who can give you his world and share with you unselfishly.

[Nothisgirl]

Ty everyone...omg what a day today has been...went to log onto a social media site from my iPad and he was still logged in (from the last time he was here, he had been showing me something and I haven't used it since..so I guess because I have it set to automatically save info it saved his?) anyways...right smack in front of me is a conversation between him and his ex OW (yes I am not the first--but I'm different right? Ugh @@) anyways it was innocent enough, merry Christmas hope you're well etc, and initiated by her..HOWEVER, in his response he sends her his new number...this after just telling me this past Friday (in the hotel) that he has no desire to maintain contact and that they haven't spoken since the summer..they work in the same industry and she moved across the country..anyways, I digress...it was like a light switch for me...my anger went to hurt then to rage then to resolution. I called him and told him I read it and that I wasn't interested in sharing him not only with his wife but also with his ex OW (he already knew this btw) he went into this soliloquy about how he was just reaching out to talk to her about work stuff and he figured she wanted to discuss that...I called him on his bull****. #1, 5 days ago he had nothing to say to her..now, THE MINUTE, she reaches out to him he sends her his new #? Puhhlease! #2, she said nothing about wanting to talk..she simply wished him well and happy holidays..HE was the one to initiate further contact...he apologized and said he understood why i was upset but that that was not why he contacted her while at the same time saying that I was misunderstanding and then pulling the "what? I can't have female friends?" Card. I shut that **** down faster than he could get the words out. I told him that he can do whatever he wants but that AS HE ALREADY KNEW I am not interested in sharing his time/affection with not only his W but also his exOW. He said again that he understood and was sorry he had hurt me.

 

I told him I was done. That this was a last straw for me. That he only thinks about himself and satisfying his own ego.

 

Then his kids came home from school and we hung up.

 

I hope he doesn't contact me again and I will not respond to any contact he initiates.

 

I feel so dumb to think our R was different. He still swears it is that I'm the love of his life but really, if that w true wouldn't he be banging down my door? Oh wait! He can't! He needs to make sure his happy little life intact...and thinks he can "deal" with me and my feelings after. Screw that! I'm so done. D.O.N.E

[hurtnomorerika]

Love this post. Everything you described is the main reasons why I never wanted to hook up with a MM. Look at me now, though.

 

OW that are in the beginning stages should see that it gets worse and before you know it you are an emotional wreck, on highs and lows.

 

You really do forget who you are and what you stand for.

 

That makes everything about being with a MM sucks.

[violet1]

Ty everyone...omg what a day today has been...went to log onto a social media site from my iPad and he was still logged in (from the last time he was here, he had been showing me something and I haven't used it since..so I guess because I have it set to automatically save info it saved his?) anyways...right smack in front of me is a conversation between him and his ex OW (yes I am not the first--but I'm different right? Ugh @@) anyways it was innocent enough, merry Christmas hope you're well etc, and initiated by her..HOWEVER, in his response he sends her his new number...this after just telling me this past Friday (in the hotel) that he has no desire to maintain contact and that they haven't spoken since the summer..they work in the same industry and she moved across the country..anyways, I digress...it was like a light switch for me...my anger went to hurt then to rage then to resolution. I called him and told him I read it and that I wasn't interested in sharing him not only with his wife but also with his ex OW (he already knew this btw) he went into this soliloquy about how he was just reaching out to talk to her about work stuff and he figured she wanted to discuss that...I called him on his bull****. #1, 5 days ago he had nothing to say to her..now, THE MINUTE, she reaches out to him he sends her his new #? Puhhlease! #2, she said nothing about wanting to talk..she simply wished him well and happy holidays..HE was the one to initiate further contact...he apologized and said he understood why i was upset but that that was not why he contacted her while at the same time saying that I was misunderstanding and then pulling the "what? I can't have female friends?" Card. I shut that **** down faster than he could get the words out. I told him that he can do whatever he wants but that AS HE ALREADY KNEW I am not interested in sharing his time/affection with not only his W but also his exOW. He said again that he understood and was sorry he had hurt me.

 

I told him I was done. That this was a last straw for me. That he only thinks about himself and satisfying his own ego.

 

Then his kids came home from school and we hung up.

 

I hope he doesn't contact me again and I will not respond to any contact he initiates.

 

I feel so dumb to think our R was different. He still swears it is that I'm the love of his life but really, if that w true wouldn't he be banging down my door? Oh wait! He can't! He needs to make sure his happy little life intact...and thinks he can "deal" with me and my feelings after. Screw that! I'm so done. D.O.N.E

 

This is a wonderful start, but it's only the beginning. Just remember, you're not his first OW, he's a cake eater! You need to stay strong. He WILL contact you again because he will want his cake. Classic MM behavior is to wait a few days to let the emotions calm down and he'll be back. Block his number and all social media.

 

Don't feel bad sweetie, the majority of people think their affair is different and special. I was an MOW and I thought the same thing. I had to pull my head out of fantasy land to see the reality of the situation. Fact is, he and I didn't have a future. I'm planning divorce in 2014 and he wants to wait for 4 or 5 years. I told him we had to end because I didn't want to get hurt. He said,"Do you really think we don't have a future? Why does breaking up have to be our only option?" Well...duh! I'm getting out of my bad marriage. If his was as bad as he claimed then why would be stay for 5 more years? He and I claimed to be soulmates and such too.

Edited December 18, 2013 by violet1

[Cinnimon]

Ty everyone...omg what a day today has been...went to log onto a social media site from my iPad and he was still logged in (from the last time he was here, he had been showing me something and I haven't used it since..so I guess because I have it set to automatically save info it saved his?) anyways...right smack in front of me is a conversation between him and his ex OW (yes I am not the first--but I'm different right? Ugh @@) anyways it was innocent enough, merry Christmas hope you're well etc, and initiated by her..HOWEVER, in his response he sends her his new number...this after just telling me this past Friday (in the hotel) that he has no desire to maintain contact and that they haven't spoken since the summer..they work in the same industry and she moved across the country..anyways, I digress...it was like a light switch for me...my anger went to hurt then to rage then to resolution. I called him and told him I read it and that I wasn't interested in sharing him not only with his wife but also with his ex OW (he already knew this btw) he went into this soliloquy about how he was just reaching out to talk to her about work stuff and he figured she wanted to discuss that...I called him on his bull****. #1, 5 days ago he had nothing to say to her..now, THE MINUTE, she reaches out to him he sends her his new #? Puhhlease! #2, she said nothing about wanting to talk..she simply wished him well and happy holidays..HE was the one to initiate further contact...he apologized and said he understood why i was upset but that that was not why he contacted her while at the same time saying that I was misunderstanding and then pulling the "what? I can't have female friends?" Card. I shut that **** down faster than he could get the words out. I told him that he can do whatever he wants but that AS HE ALREADY KNEW I am not interested in sharing his time/affection with not only his W but also his exOW. He said again that he understood and was sorry he had hurt me.

 

I told him I was done. That this was a last straw for me. That he only thinks about himself and satisfying his own ego.

 

Then his kids came home from school and we hung up.

 

I hope he doesn't contact me again and I will not respond to any contact he initiates.

 

I feel so dumb to think our R was different. He still swears it is that I'm the love of his life but really, if that w true wouldn't he be banging down my door? Oh wait! He can't! He needs to make sure his happy little life intact...and thinks he can "deal" with me and my feelings after. Screw that! I'm so done. D.O.N.E

 

OMG!!! YOU DID IT!!!

You hit that DONE moment, stick a fork in it, fork you mother forker, go fork yourself!!!

 

Yay, for you!!

SO PROUD OF YOU!!

Now, I'm sorry your going through this.Expect when the anger settles down a little , you'll question yourself like crazy. Your head will stay pissed but your heart well it will still pine. I am sure he will reach out again as soon as he figures out how he can do damage control. Just be prepared. Remember were here!!

[Clay]

It is so painful to find out these things. I am sure you already had a idea he was like this but nothing is more painful than actually seeing it with your own two eyes. Its more than just a confirmation its a stab to your heart.

 

I am sincerely sorry you are going through this. I would just never contact him again and move on. There are plenty of decent hard working men out there that want a good healthy relationship that will shower you with the love and affection you deserve.

 

Clay

[Nothisgirl]

OMG!!! YOU DID IT!!!

You hit that DONE moment, stick a fork in it, fork you mother forker, go fork yourself!!!

 

Yay, for you!!

SO PROUD OF YOU!!

Now, I'm sorry your going through this.Expect when the anger settles down a little , you'll question yourself like crazy. Your head will stay pissed but your heart well it will still pine. I am sure he will reach out again as soon as he figures out how he can do damage control. Just be prepared. Remember were here!!

 

Lol thank you for the fork comments!! Needed that laugh

And thank you for being there and listening...I'm heavy hearted now but the proof is in the pudding...iî know I need to ignore any contact but ill admit I'm mad/sad he hasn't messaged to see if I'm ok...--but this is what he does when I'm upset and he would claim to be giving me space even though I've told him repeatedly (in the past) if I've been upset with him that I want him to engage--...I know, none of that matters because now that I've done it I need to stick to it and I will...but my heart hurts.....I have a feeling I'm going to be leaning on you guys a lot

[Nothisgirl]

It is so painful to find out these things. I am sure you already had a idea he was like this but nothing is more painful than actually seeing it with your own two eyes. Its more than just a confirmation its a stab to your heart.

 

I am sincerely sorry you are going through this. I would just never contact him again and move on. There are plenty of decent hard working men out there that want a good healthy relationship that will shower you with the love and affection you deserve.

 

Clay

 

Ty so much...you're exactly right...in fact I told him repeatedly that I could never be his W (as he claimed to want) because I wouldn't trust him...I knew me not being the OW would open that spot up...he professed over and over how I am more than enough and how he wouldn't need anyone else

But then why else would he still want to keep that line of communication open??

 

It's all such b.s.

[Clay]

He is a dog. He wants to act like one too. He does not deserve you.

 

He never will.

 

Clay

[Nothisgirl]

This is a wonderful start, but it's only the beginning. Just remember, you're not his first OW, he's a cake eater! You need to stay strong. He WILL contact you again because he will want his cake. Classic MM behavior is to wait a few days to let the emotions calm down and he'll be back. Block his number and all social media.

 

Don't feel bad sweetie, the majority of people think their affair is different and special. I was an MOW and I thought the same thing. I had to pull my head out of fantasy land to see the reality of the situation. Fact is, he and I didn't have a future. I'm planning divorce in 2014 and he wants to wait for 4 or 5 years. I told him we had to end because I didn't want to get hurt. He said,"Do you really think we don't have a future? Why does breaking up have to be our only option?" Well...duh! I'm getting out of my bad marriage. If his was as bad as he claimed then why would be stay for 5 more years? He and I claimed to be soulmates and such too.

 

He's not on most social media..just the one site I mentioned so removing and blocking will be easy...hard but easy kwim?

 

I'm so sorry you are going through this as well....who does he think he is to think you'll just wait another 5 years!? Omg!! They're sense of entitlement makes me crazy!

 

I've heard the same lines you have and initially they roped me in but I'm I'm starting to see that while I believe he loves me its still all about him

[Quiet Storm]

He is a dog. He wants to act like one too. He does not deserve you.

 

He never will.

 

Clay

 

I have to disagree, Clay. Dogs are loyal and protective. He is a sneaky snake... he will squeeze the life out of you if you let him.

[awkward]

So glad to hear you dumped him. I understand that it upset you that he had to leave the hotel in the middle of the night. But really, I would have been pissed about him going home to his wife every time and not so much about the time he left.

 

I guess things get wacky in an affair and the bigger picture is overlooked. Think about it this way, would his wife be more upset about the fact that he stayed at the hotel until 2 am with his OW or the fact that he had an OW.

 

Don't take him back. Don't over look that he has wife. Let another woman play the role of other woman for him.

[Clay]

Dogs are loyal to there owner. It does not stop him from trying to hump every leg that walks by.

 

You are right about the squeezing the life out of her.

 

Clay

[happy stillmore]

Nothisgirl,

 

I can sense you have reached your breaking point. The same happened to me. I just couldn't take it anymore. I wonder if MMs have the ability to even see things from other perspectives other than their own. I don't think they can. How would he like it if you did the same to him? My MM didn't seem as bothered by the situation as I did. My M is lousy and I am very much alone. MM had a wife who knew about the A but yet was begging him to stay. He truly had the best of both worlds. I couldn't share anymore. My getting half of him was not enough for me to continue a relationship that was hurting two women.

 

I will tell you my breaking point, (I might even start a new thread). My breaking point was actually minor but it was the straw the broke the camel's back. Hearing about MM doing errands with his W. It was the spring, they were getting gardening stuff which was always something we always talked about. Having our own garden behind our house (a.k.a future faking). They were acting like a married couple, not as two people who were knowingly separating as he presented to me. His actions were not supporting his words. I just didn't see our future as a reality.

 

You do deserve more. Be strong. You can do this.

[Nothisgirl]

Nothisgirl,

 

I can sense you have reached your breaking point. The same happened to me. I just couldn't take it anymore. I wonder if MMs have the ability to even see things from other perspectives other than their own. I don't think they can. How would he like it if you did the same to him? My MM didn't seem as bothered by the situation as I did. My M is lousy and I am very much alone. MM had a wife who knew about the A but yet was begging him to stay. He truly had the best of both worlds. I couldn't share anymore. My getting half of him was not enough for me to continue a relationship that was hurting two women.

 

I will tell you my breaking point, (I might even start a new thread). My breaking point was actually minor but it was the straw the broke the camel's back. Hearing about MM doing errands with his W. It was the spring, they were getting gardening stuff which was always something we always talked about. Having our own garden behind our house (a.k.a future faking). They were acting like a married couple, not as two people who were knowingly separating as he presented to me. His actions were not supporting his words. I just didn't see our future as a reality.

 

You do deserve more. Be strong. You can do this.

 

That was it for me too..You don't plan a trip for months down the road when you are actually trying to get things set to separate...he tried to give me the "it's for the kids" bull****...anyways, much like you it was the reality check where I realized that what he's portraying to me is very different than the truth...well that and I'm tired of sharing. So so tired of it

[sunburned]

Nothisgirl, sorry if my initial reply upset you. I really meant it as a self-deprecating remark, having been there myself. Perhaps it was just too soon. More importantly, it seems like you have taken the same advice -- cloaked in friendlier language -- on this thread and did what you needed to do. Time to change your name to NotThisGirl!

 

 

But I stand by my statement that NC really doesn't require the "buy in" of two people. The holdout gets the hint soon enough.

[spiderowl]

Long story short is that he picked me up for a "date" we typically meet in a neutral spot and take my car from there..anyways he picked me up at my house and told me he had rented a room in a really lovely hotel..arranged dinner and wine...keep in mind I had made up my mind to initiate NC that night so I think he must have known and upped the ante...anyways, we talked, laughed, cried..I said NC was what I needed but wasn't very firm...anyways I feel asleep in his arms only to be woken at 1am still dizzy from drinking wine to be told he couldn't stay the night and we had to check out and drive home...I was in my bed, alone, by 230am...I don't think I've ever felt more pissed/humiliated

 

I know that he doesn't see it that way but I really don't care. Mm needs to start using his brain...

 

No decent guy would do this to a woman. That should tell you something about his true character.

[Nothisgirl]

No decent guy would do this to a woman. That should tell you something about his true character.

 

I know. Idk what made him think it was ok