mirage12 Posted December 17, 2013 Posted December 17, 2013 I've posted a lot on here about this recently, and I think this is the last time I'll post about my own recent breakup unless she contacts me at some point. Many of you have read my story - 2 recent law school grads/now attorneys. Knew each other for a year, dated 8 months. Split 1 month after she started working because she couldn't handle her new career and a serious relationship. Been 5 weeks since we split, 1.5 weeks of NC. I'm not sure why it's so difficult for me to let this one go...especially because there were red flags throughout, and I also thought about ending things myself in the month before we split. I'm such a mess over her, and I think it's because she's such a unique girl/I've never met anyone like her, that I wonder if I'll ever find someone so unique again. My ex before her was first love for me. That one destroyed me - I made all the wrong moves, texted her endlessly, called her, drunk dialed, wrote letters and emails. We talked constantly for a month after we broke up - but mostly because she was probably guilty and felt bad. It went nowhere and I ended up taking almost two years to fully heal from her. This last lawyer ex was engaged before but she broke it off. One of the things that she said was that she started to pity the guy, and you can't love someone you pity. I'm struggling so much with this but I think I'm starting to realize two things. 1 - if I make any moves that are desperate or pathetic, she will pity me. Whether or not we have any chance in the future (probably not), I want her last memories of me to be positive ones, knowing that I took our breakup in a mature/dignified way...especially because we ended on such good terms and seemingly more so because life kind of got in our way. 2 - I keep telling myself how much I love her...and I do. But I've started to realize that pushing for any kind of reconconciliation is selfish - it's something that I want. It's not something that she wants or can do right now...that much is kind of clear. I love her, and I want her to be happy. And for her to be happy, she needs to be out of our relationship...to focus on herself and her career. So...I guess that if I do really love her, there really is only one move here, and as you said - it's to let her go. Maybe she will come back. Probably she won't. I'm not really trying to hang on to any hope. I wish there was something I could do, ANYTHING I could do to make it still work. Being with her was the last time I've been truly happy in the last three years I guess after all is said and done though, it seems like I'm never going to be a part of her life like that again...and that reality is horrible to think about.
TaraMaiden Posted December 17, 2013 Posted December 17, 2013 The moment you hang your 'I am happy' coat on someone else's shoulders, you're batting on a sticky wicket. She should never have been, nor ever should be, the person who makes you happy, complete, whole, fulfilled or any other adjective you care to mention. YOU - should be that person. Dependency on another person's presence in your life, giving you that 'happy-pill' is not proper happiness at all. This is skewed. If you were prepared to break up with her just a month before she did it to you.... I'd seriously question that process and circumstance, myself..... 2
Fangorn Posted December 17, 2013 Posted December 17, 2013 You know what you can do? Kick her off that pedestal and remain in No Contact. It'll get easier with time. If you want her last memories of you to be positive then you will hold onto your dignity and ride this out with courage. The first week of my break up I couldn't get out of bed, I was a broken down wreck and now, 4 weeks in and I can see that glimmer of hopeful light at the end of the tunnel, hope not to reconcile with this girl, but to live my own life for myself and be the best version of myself I can be. I've started weightlifting and Muay Thai, learning to drive, finding a job and getting back into art again. Realising that I'm free, independant and still here has also made me far more confident than I ever have been before.
Author mirage12 Posted December 17, 2013 Author Posted December 17, 2013 The moment you hang your 'I am happy' coat on someone else's shoulders, you're batting on a sticky wicket. She should never have been, nor ever should be, the person who makes you happy, complete, whole, fulfilled or any other adjective you care to mention. YOU - should be that person. Dependency on another person's presence in your life, giving you that 'happy-pill' is not proper happiness at all. This is skewed. If you were prepared to break up with her just a month before she did it to you.... I'd seriously question that process and circumstance, myself..... You're right about the dependency, and that's not what I meant to say. I was happy before her, and that's how I got her initially, because I was happy. Maybe what I should've said instead was that it took me that long to have those kinda of feelings for another person again and she was that person. As for the breakup thoughts, it was a hard time. We didn't communicate well as our relationship tried to transition to the changes in our lives/careers...and that failure to communicate well caused a lot of frustration on my end.
TaraMaiden Posted December 17, 2013 Posted December 17, 2013 So, think: Why, if your instinct to break up with her was there, did you not act upon it? What - and think about this acutely, carefully and really mull over this: What PRECISELY about her finishing it with you - REALLY got to you? See, my husband is a solicitor. First Class Honours degree in law. So, I know a bit about how the typical lawyer's mind works; having met several of his fellow students, I can see a similarity between them - and he told me he would never date another lawyer.....
TaraMaiden Posted December 17, 2013 Posted December 17, 2013 Without the internet!! Aaaargh! Don't you just hate technical break-downs?! ((HUGS)) mtnbiker!! 2
Author mirage12 Posted December 17, 2013 Author Posted December 17, 2013 So, think: Why, if your instinct to break up with her was there, did you not act upon it? What - and think about this acutely, carefully and really mull over this: What PRECISELY about her finishing it with you - REALLY got to you? See, my husband is a solicitor. First Class Honours degree in law. So, I know a bit about how the typical lawyer's mind works; having met several of his fellow students, I can see a similarity between them - and he told me he would never date another lawyer..... Not sure what you're getting at here. It's not an ego thing...although you're right, we do both have pretty large egos. I think it was that even though I thought about it, I was in love with her and I still wanted to try to make it work. And when the breakup actually happened, I didn't want it to because I didn't want her out of my life. As for the lawyer thing, yeah it wasn't easy. My first two years of law school I stayed far far away from other female law students. They are like women that have a p**** (don't know if I'm allowed to use that word). It definitely wasn't easy to date her always - when we'd argue I could almost never win because she's just as smart and argumentative as I am. We would have such great conversation though. I guess I broke most of my rules when I started dating her, and thought that it was because she was slmething special.
ponchsox Posted December 17, 2013 Posted December 17, 2013 Basing your happiness on someone else is a losing battle from the start. Reality is what you make of your life. You either have someone in your life or you don't but you happiness depends on YOU.
TaraMaiden Posted December 17, 2013 Posted December 17, 2013 The legal world is as yet, still very much a male-dominated one, so I think (again, having spoken to female students) some women studying/practising law sometimes believe they have to be macho, aggressive and in-your-face to be able to compete with their male counterparts on the same level.... And this is an ingrained attitude... To illustrate (and I'm sure it's not a deliberate slight, but - ), you say: when we'd argue I could almost never win because she's just as smart and argumentative as I am. Why did you not put that the other way around? The way you've put it, it seems to be an unusual revelation. as I said, and I emphasise, I know you didn't mean it that way deliberately - but it merely serves to illustrate the subconscious mind-workings of a man in a male (predominantly) dominated world. She's like a guy. The guy is not like her. Do you get my point....? Your ex- felt constrained therefore, to make a choice (in her eyes): heart - or head? Love - or career? Just as you decided in years 1 & 2 that your best option was to stay, and I quote, "far far away from other female Law students", so she came to the realisation that in order to really take her career seriously, and do AS WELL AS her male counterparts - something had to give. The feminine reputation of 'multi-tasking' only goes so far; when it comes to juggling heart and head, I don't think we're always very good at it. Multitasking is all well and good, when all 'tasks' are on a similar plane; But take two distinctly different planes, and we have to make a choice. It was her intelligence and smart mind that led her to this decision. One sadly, I think you're going to have to respect.
Author mirage12 Posted December 17, 2013 Author Posted December 17, 2013 You hit the nail on the head. Yes, in some ways she does act like a man - she's very intense, aggressive, independent. She's known since before we started dating that she was going into the particular industry she was (she's at a very high pressure firm) and I knew it too. I think we didn't break up long before we actually did because somewhere along the line, we both developed feelings that were stronger than we expected and things became more serious than we thought they would. But at the end of the day, it's as you said - her career was going to come first. She even told me that, especially because she wants to make a long term career at where she is. So...in retrospect I do understand. I couldn't ask her to jeopardize a career on an 8 month relatjonship, even if she did love me. Unfortunately, it's also what's made the breakup so hard. I have a hard time being angry or upset at her because I get it. It's just hard for me to think that life got in our way with this relationship, that we didn't necessarily split because she doesn't love me still...but we split more because she can't give herself to both career and serious relationship. And the truth of that reality is the horrible part :/
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