Critique my OLD initial messages.

[Mrlonelyone]

Online I have found a profile for a woman who is active on the site who on paper is perfect for me. She is, on paper, super crazy perfect for me. Like a woman created in a laboratory just for me or something. She has written of herself in her profile that she likes and is into everything that I am. I noticed her, as I recall, because she had looked at my profile first.

 

I have sent a couple of messages and tried to sound interested in chatting or meeting her but at the same time not over eager.

 

These are the two messages I sent. Redacted and altered to preserve some privacy.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Well a 92% match percentage. What could the missing 8% be?

 

Right now I am looking for a good an genuine person to share some of my life and some fun times with and see where things go. Reading your profile you sound both perfectly like me yet different enough from me to make dating interesting. So please check me out and if you like what you see and read we can have a nice non-pretentious conversation about my thesis research*. ;-). Or not.

 

 

Then a day latter. *She actually mentions talking about such a thing in her profile.

 

Hello WLEKR . What I like about your profile is that you really are into the rock climbing that everyone else only claims that they are into. It comes across as genuine. Were you into it before it was cool?

 

I noticed you checked out my profile and if I may ask what did you like/dislike about it?

 

No response, other than checking out my profile to the first one. I suppose out of the torrent of messages getting her to at least look at my profile again says there is a grain of interest there.

 

OK people. I am really good with the hangout, hook up, regular hook up, hang out more suddenly were in an RLship kind of dating. I need a bit of help with online dating.

 

How can I get this woman to reply to me? Were my messages too bad and I should just leave it? Needless to say I am a hard to impress person and this one is a doozy.

Edited December 17, 2013 by Mrlonelyone
Edited to add correct first message.

[nescafe1982]

At first blush, there is too much negativity in the first message. You say you like her hobby (rock-climbing) but that 1) lots of people are fake in OLD, and 2) it's a faddy, trendy interest.

 

If I got this message, I wouldn't respond either. I think maybe she checked your profile because your message, while demonstrating negativity, also showed her you were trying to have a real conversation. The mixed signals might encourage me to check you profile to learn whether a) you really are so critical or b) your first message was just a little awkward.

 

In OLD, it is VERY important to lead with your best foot, and to be as positive as possible. It's difficult to recover from an awkward statement when it's in black and white, written on a computer screen. When you contact a woman, you're absolutely right to pick out an interest of hers and engage her on it. But avoid adding in negative statements because (while this was clearly not your intention), they make you sound cynical at best, and overly critical at worst.

 

Edit to add: Opps, I missed your first message. But again, you lead with a negative statement (the "what could that 8% be?") From the very get-go you're being critical... that's going to turn women off and leave them wondering if you're angry or something.

[nescafe1982]

Also, I say this as a former grad student: no one wants to talk about your thesis research. It's an interest of yours, but not good first date material.

 

And don't ever write, "or not." in an OLD message or profile. It sounds mean. When I was OLD, I did not engage men who did that because I found them to be too confrontational.

[Mrlonelyone]

Interesting things you see as hostile or critical I see as humorous. It really is a matter of taste. You know, mentioning the 8% difference as a way to make lite of the 92% similarity. Which can be a bit intimidating. It doesn't get much better than 92%. I take your point though. I really don't want to seem hostile.

 

As for the thesis thing, she mentions it in her profile as something she'd like to discuss.

[nescafe1982]

Oh, okay... that makes more sense (the thesis thing).

 

As for the humor/hostility... sarcasm doesn't render well on a computer screen. Just remember that and keep the jokes light... darker humor is better suited for in person, IMO.

 

For the record, my current BF and I were a 92% match.

[todreaminblue]

i asked a guy what movies he liked he told me espionage...i replied do you like the hunger games........he said sorry someone at the door.......for real ...that is what he said ...i replied with this ....lol

 

 

so dont ask about the hunger games...unless ..maybe i should have said......may the odds be ever in your favor....or ....I VOLUNTEER I VOLUNTEER.....and confuse the f.............uck out of him instead...sad state of affairs when someone doesnt like the hunger games for me....sad face inserted here..........deb

[FineFreshFierce]

Personally, I prefer when a guy messages with a short question, that shows that they actually read my profile not just looked at my pictures. For example, if you saw I wrote that I love horror movies, you could initiate contact by asking "so, what's the scariest horror movie you've seen?" I'd definitely reply. Long messages like the example you gave, are a turn off. It sounds like you're trying to sell yourself.

 

Recently, one guy messaged me a lot and I wasn't interested so I never replied. The next message he sent was "how many times do I have to annoy you until you finally reply?" I found that hilarious and kind of cute, so I replied and ended up hanging out with him last week.

[pteromom]

I like your messages, and I read them as humorous and would have been intrigued by them. I would have written you back - it is so much more fun to have a conversation like this than the typical "how r u" kind.

 

Maybe the woman you are writing reads online messages more like nescafe does, and she just doesn't connect with you.

 

Also if she was serious about wanting to discuss her thesis, she may have taken your joke about it as a dig toward her.

 

That's all I got. I think you are doing well and it is just going to be a matter of finding that person who gets you.

[Mrlonelyone]

@Pteromom. I really get what you are saying. It's all in the eye of the reader on these things. Either they can connect with the kind of humor I like. Which can be dry, dark, gallows humor (one of the things me and M connected on IRL. It is really hard to find someone that gets dark humor these days.)

 

 

The thesis thing, she said your thesis...so I guess she's not talking about her stuff. I think she means she's into science and would like to date someone with a substantial interest in science. Not just a subscription to popular science.

 

 

@Nescafe. I will try to keep that in mind. At least to an extent I will tone it down a bit, but on the other hand how one tends to interpret the written words could be a hint in regards to compatibility.

 

 

@FineFreshFierce. I really try to start a convo with my messages. So I try to put multiple hooks in a first message. So she can latch onto one of them. You know, I try to make it easy for her to respond.

 

 

Keep the hints coming. This is really good insight into the ins and outs of writing a good OLD first message.

[mikecr50]

I'd like to thank op for starting this thread and to all the women that responded. Very helpful, I think I've made the same mistakes with efforts of humor. Never would I have taken any of those messaages as negative so thanks for making me look at that possibilty. Cheers all!

[nescafe1982]

 

 

@Nescafe. I will try to keep that in mind. At least to an extent I will tone it down a bit, but on the other hand how one tends to interpret the written words could be a hint in regards to compatibility.

 

It's true. I love dark humor, for what it's worth... in person. What I think you've done well here is to take specific info from the women's profiles to inquire about their interests. Anything that says you read the profile for a moment (I used to get a lot of "how r u"s as well.)

 

Also, not every woman is going to read such humor as negative/hostile/etc (as pteromom pointed out), and many women won't analyze a message you send them (as I did just now). But keeping it light minimizes the chances of something being taken the wrong way.

 

Have fun!

[deathandtaxes]

Short answer? You can't get her to reply. For heaven's sake, please don't send a third if she hasn't replied. You will come across as very desperate. If you question every time a woman doesn't respond, you will go absolutely crazy.

 

 

Your first message was utter and complete ****. If I received something like that, I would wonder if you even read my profile? I would be so tempted to hit the no thanks button. And then to receive a follow-up? Your first message would have turned me off so much I wouldn't give a **** what you wrote in the second.

[Mrlonelyone]

Short answer? You can't get her to reply. For heaven's sake, please don't send a third if she hasn't replied. You will come across as very desperate. If you question every time a woman doesn't respond, you will go absolutely crazy.

 

 

Your first message was utter and complete ****. If I received something like that, I would wonder if you even read my profile? .

 

 

Try to remember I altered the message so it would not he too specific for this thread.

[deathandtaxes]

Try to remember I altered the message so it would not he too specific for this thread.

 

Not helping us out then! Don't beat yourself up if she never responds. It is very much a numbers game.

 

Don't get stuck on one. My recent experience with match, it took close to 20 emails sent to get a response. You just have to find the one where the mutual interest and attraction is there.

[Mrlonelyone]

Not helping us out then! Don't beat yourself up if she never responds. It is very much a numbers game.

 

Don't get stuck on one. My recent experience with match, it took close to 20 emails sent to get a response. You just have to find the one where the mutual interest and attraction is there.

 

 

 

That is a good point. The thing is want a good match. Not Just % wise, but on reading their profiles I need to feel something special. I need to feel real potential.

[Targetlock]

all useful advice, as a fellow bloke trying out OLD i also seem to be getting trouble getting a responses to my messages.

[Mrlonelyone]

Here is one I sent to a different woman.

 

 

Good morning ........ According to the match %'s we are 97% enemies and 0% matching and 0% friends. If we met up we'd kill eachother.

 

 

Since everyone I've met on here has been a 90% match and 90% friends and it never really works, why don't we give this a shot? We can meet for coffee, argue, fight, throw coffee at eachother and go to jail. Why not?

[Andy_K]

Your initial message matters less than your profile text.

 

Your profile text matters less than your pictures.

 

Put that in context, and all you really need to do in your first message is give some indication that you read her profile, and have one question as an easy hook to respond to. If she likes your profile, she *will* write back. If she doesn't like it, you're not going to get a meaningful response no matter how good the message.

[PegNosePete]

Look you guys are way over-thinking this. What gets responses are good pics and a good profile. If she likes your pics and your profile then it really doesn't matter what your message says as long as it doesn't SUCK completely. Best is to just write 3-4 quick sentences and ask a simple question about something you read in her profile. Don't put too much thought or effort into an initial message. If she likes your photos and profile then she will respond to virtually any message as long as it is not a photo of your junk, "hi" "hey there" or "hay sexy".

 

If your photos or profile SUCK then there is nothing you can write in a message that will get a response (other than no thanks). Statistics released by the dating sites have shown that women look at your photos and profile BEFORE they even read the message. So anyone complaining about getting lack of responses, really needs to look at their own profile and photos. Not the messages they are sending.

Edited December 18, 2013 by PegNosePete

[Mrlonelyone]

Your initial message matters less than your profile text.

 

Your profile text matters less than your pictures.

 

Put that in context, and all you really need to do in your first message is give some indication that you read her profile, and have one question as an easy hook to respond to. If she likes your profile, she *will* write back. If she doesn't like it, you're not going to get a meaningful response no matter how good the message.

 

 

 

The pictures and profile clearly matter more than the initial message. However, that initial message can determine what she'll do.

[Mrlonelyone]

Look you guys are way over-thinking this. What gets responses are good pics and a good profile. If she likes your pics and your profile then it really doesn't matter what your message says as long as it doesn't SUCK completely. Best is to just write 3-4 quick sentences and ask a simple question about something you read in her profile. Don't put too much thought or effort into an initial message. If she likes your photos and profile then she will respond to virtually any message as long as it is not a photo of your junk, "hi" "hey there" or "hay sexy".

 

 

 

 

 

Well I sent a grand total of 6 sentences broke up over two days to the first one.

 

 

One point to consider is that since most women get 100 messages a day that if your message does not catch their eye it could easily get overlooked. Messaging a woman more than once might not be a terrible idea.

 

 

If your photos or profile SUCK then there is nothing you can write in a message that will get a response (other than no thanks). Statistics released by the dating sites have shown that women look at your photos and profile BEFORE they even read the message. So anyone complaining about getting lack of responses, really needs to look at their own profile and photos. Not the messages they are sending.

 

 

 

Well my problem is I get messages without sending any first, from women in which I could have no serious interest. I don't even mean looks. If we have any faith in the system these will be women who are very weak matches % wise, and incompatible in every way. Yet, the ones that I would be compatible with and message first I almost never hear from.

[PegNosePete]

If you don't get a reply it means they don't like you. Who cares what % match they are, if they don't like the look of your photos or the sound of your profile then they are not going to respond. Just like you said yourself.....

Not Just % wise, but on reading their profiles I need to feel something special. I need to feel real potential.

They obviously felt no potential for you despite a high % match. Therefore no reply.

 

Most guys on free dating sites will get 2 or 3 replies per HUNDRED messages they send out.

[Mrlonelyone]

If you don't get a reply it means they don't like you. .

 

 

Even if they look at your profile again and again? That happens to me as well. I send an initial message and they look, and look, and look day after day, but never write.

 

 

Who cares what % match they are, if they don't like the look of your photos or the sound of your profile then they are not going to respond. Just like you said yourself.....

 

They obviously felt no potential for you despite a high % match. Therefore no reply.

 

Most guys on free dating sites will get 2 or 3 replies per HUNDRED messages they send out.

 

 

 

 

 

I care. I'm looking for compatibility. I'm not so desperate that I'll date any random woman who's into me.

 

 

I want advice on how to maximize my chances with women I'd be compatible with.

[bene]

There is nothing wrong with your messages (source: being a woman), they sound lighthearted and humorous to me, not negative. Although, there is a strong point in not bringing any negativity into initial contact.

 

It may sound counterintuitive but being into the same things doesn't necessarily mean that the person would be into you. Some people don't want to date a carbon copy of themselves, something along the lines of http://www.rottenecards.com/card/192328/i-avoid-online-dating-sites-be

[PegNosePete]

Even if they look at your profile again and again? That happens to me as well. I send an initial message and they look, and look, and look day after day, but never write.

Well, maybe they saw something funny in there and are showing their friends and laughing at it. Just an example, there could be many, meany reasons for this and it is pointless to try to guess or divinate the reason. Views means NOTHING. The only thing that matters is responses.

 

I care. I'm looking for compatibility. I'm not so desperate that I'll date any random woman who's into me.

You misinterpret what I wrote. What I mean is that who cares what the % match is, if you don't like the look of her photos or the sound of her profile then you are not going to write or reply to her are you? NO. Same for her, even if you are a 100% match, if she doesn't like your photos or profile, she will NOT respond no matter what your message says.

 

You're placing way too much emphasis on the matching algorithm and your message content, and not enough on the HUMAN side of your profile (and strategy!).

Edited December 18, 2013 by PegNosePete