nescafe1982 Posted December 17, 2013 Posted December 17, 2013 ...and I'm never quite sure where I stand with her. Backstory: I met this woman five years ago, in grad school, and we were really close for a couple years. Like talk every day, dinners at one another's homes, etc, close. One point of convergence in those days was that we were both wading through elite educational institutions as "non-traditional" students (she's a first generation college grad and child of immigrants, I was a first generation college grad from a working class neighborhood in the deep South). We related on a lot of things and that drew us together, as did shared interests (we share a passion for cooking, for instance). We also both came to grad school paired up in unhappy relationships: my (now)-ex and I slowly melted down over the course of this friendship, and her BF and her were on the rocks a lot too... so we were the girls who supported and talked ot one another about these issues, too. Anyway, in 2010, lots changed: my EX and I broke up, and her BF proposed and they got married. She was intensely supportive of me as I got over the breakup (we'd been together 7 years... the breakup nearly killed me) and I don't know where i would have been without her. But when, after a year, I started to get better, we drifted apart in ways I have never been able to comprehend since. We're still in the background of one another's lives. She and her husband just had their first child (a boy, who is amazing), and I now live with the BF I met in 2011. I've finished grad school, and she's almost done too. We email back and forth, call occasional, and visit infrequently. It basically sounds like a fizzling, "growing apart after school and marriage" type of friendship, right? Well, maybe that's part of it.... but there's also this new, erratic pattern that irks me and mitigates the closeness we once had: she blows hot and cold on a dime, and it confuses me to the point of not knowing whether we're friends at all. Examples: - When I started dating again after my last relationship, this friend went from supportive-shoulder-to-cry-on to making the occasional mean-spirited comments about my appearance, the guys I was seeing, etc. She targeted my weight in particular: I've never been "heavy," but I lost 15 pounds after the breakup and was looking pretty svelte... which drew complements from my other friends but nasty sideways remarks from her. This was around the time she got engaged, so I took it for a bit of "buyer's remorse" or maybe cold feet.... I tried not to take it personally. - She fell off my radar completely for a while after that. She started hanging around with some girls at my office who I think of as the workplace "mean girls," bullies who picked on the new grad students, and definitely did NOT like me (I've never been one to tolerate bad behavior on the job). I was really hurt when I discovered during this period that she had some big party at her place, and invited literally everyone we knew EXCEPT for me. I chalked it up to the "mean girls'" presence... these bitches would routinely say things like "I'm only coming if you don't have XX there." (Yes, really. And they are in their 30s.) - Just as I was starting to think she was completely done being my friend, she starts calling me again. She doesn't mention the long absence, and neither do I. We get close again and I help her plan her wedding. - Then, I meet my current BF, and fall very much in love and very quickly. My friend is less than enthusiastic, and makes mean comments about him even before they meet! (The one that stuck with me was when I relayed to her that he was the "hot geeky type," and she replied flatly that geeks are terrible lovers. What?) - Three months go by and not a word from her. She then calls me up and says she wants to have a "ladies night" and get a bunch of the women from our school together for drinks. Feeling like she's my friend again, I enthusiastically set up a Facebook event on the date we chose. Our mutual friends sign up, and then, two days before the party, she bails saying (literally) "I might have other things to do on Friday." I wrote her, saying something like "what's with you?" (I could have been nicer about it), and I get no response for months after that. - Then, after no contact for a period of time, she emails, saying, "getting a couple people together for lunch tomorrow. Want to come?" Ecstatic, I say yes. But when I go, she avoids eye-contact with me, doesn't say but two words to me, and it was an exceedingly awkward lunch for me (I'm not sure our mutual friends noticed). - She then persistently contacts me on Facebook for months, spilling personal problems and wanting advice and help... all the while not acknowledging the weird things that had transpired in previous encounters. But her dad died, she was having trouble at school, and she found out she was pregnant... so of course I tried my best to be there for her. She invited me to the baby shower, and I was the only one in our group of mutual friends who went. I thought that was strange but didn't ask questions. - After the baby was born, she fell from the face of the earth (which is not surprising). We've chatted a couple times on Facebook, always at her initiation. But again this past couple of weeks, she's been sort of cold towards me: the last time we chatted, she tried to create drama with my BF and I ("when are you getting married? What's wrong with him that he hasn't proposed yet? Is he planning to leave you?" that kind of thing. I mentioned I was sending an Xmas card her way, and she got upset with me. And I found out a couple days ago that she recently had a dinner party to introduce her son to some of our mutual friends, and I wasn't invited. The reason (according to a mutual friend who I trust very much and who thought this was bogus), "well, I've invited all married couples, and I thought it would be uncomfortable for Nescafe to be here with us." I don't know how to make heads or tails of this "friendship." Like, we're friends sometimes, and in the past she's been really very supportive and we've been very close, but now it's almost like she thinks I've done something wrong, or she has beef... but she never comes out to tell me what her problem is. I am not the kind of person who handles subtlety well, either... so this "hot/cold" thing, if it's come on because I've done something wrong, I wouldn't know it unless she talks to me. But at this point, I'm wondering if I ought to just throw up my hands and call this one quits. I don't want to because I value having strong women in my life (and don't have as many female friends as I would like to), but when you have friends like this, who needs enemies? Any thoughts?
valerasoy Posted December 17, 2013 Posted December 17, 2013 (edited) ...and I'm never quite sure where I stand with her. Backstory: I met this woman five years ago, in grad school, and we were really close for a couple years. Like talk every day, dinners at one another's homes, etc, close. One point of convergence in those days was that we were both wading through elite educational institutions as "non-traditional" students (she's a first generation college grad and child of immigrants, I was a first generation college grad from a working class neighborhood in the deep South). We related on a lot of things and that drew us together, as did shared interests (we share a passion for cooking, for instance). We also both came to grad school paired up in unhappy relationships: my (now)-ex and I slowly melted down over the course of this friendship, and her BF and her were on the rocks a lot too... so we were the girls who supported and talked ot one another about these issues, too. Anyway, in 2010, lots changed: my EX and I broke up, and her BF proposed and they got married. She was intensely supportive of me as I got over the breakup (we'd been together 7 years... the breakup nearly killed me) and I don't know where i would have been without her. But when, after a year, I started to get better, we drifted apart in ways I have never been able to comprehend since. We're still in the background of one another's lives. She and her husband just had their first child (a boy, who is amazing), and I now live with the BF I met in 2011. I've finished grad school, and she's almost done too. We email back and forth, call occasional, and visit infrequently. It basically sounds like a fizzling, "growing apart after school and marriage" type of friendship, right? Well, maybe that's part of it.... but there's also this new, erratic pattern that irks me and mitigates the closeness we once had: she blows hot and cold on a dime, and it confuses me to the point of not knowing whether we're friends at all. Examples: - When I started dating again after my last relationship, this friend went from supportive-shoulder-to-cry-on to making the occasional mean-spirited comments about my appearance, the guys I was seeing, etc. She targeted my weight in particular: I've never been "heavy," but I lost 15 pounds after the breakup and was looking pretty svelte... which drew complements from my other friends but nasty sideways remarks from her. This was around the time she got engaged, so I took it for a bit of "buyer's remorse" or maybe cold feet.... I tried not to take it personally. - She fell off my radar completely for a while after that. She started hanging around with some girls at my office who I think of as the workplace "mean girls," bullies who picked on the new grad students, and definitely did NOT like me (I've never been one to tolerate bad behavior on the job). I was really hurt when I discovered during this period that she had some big party at her place, and invited literally everyone we knew EXCEPT for me. I chalked it up to the "mean girls'" presence... these bitches would routinely say things like "I'm only coming if you don't have XX there." (Yes, really. And they are in their 30s.) - Just as I was starting to think she was completely done being my friend, she starts calling me again. She doesn't mention the long absence, and neither do I. We get close again and I help her plan her wedding. - Then, I meet my current BF, and fall very much in love and very quickly. My friend is less than enthusiastic, and makes mean comments about him even before they meet! (The one that stuck with me was when I relayed to her that he was the "hot geeky type," and she replied flatly that geeks are terrible lovers. What?) - Three months go by and not a word from her. She then calls me up and says she wants to have a "ladies night" and get a bunch of the women from our school together for drinks. Feeling like she's my friend again, I enthusiastically set up a Facebook event on the date we chose. Our mutual friends sign up, and then, two days before the party, she bails saying (literally) "I might have other things to do on Friday." I wrote her, saying something like "what's with you?" (I could have been nicer about it), and I get no response for months after that. - Then, after no contact for a period of time, she emails, saying, "getting a couple people together for lunch tomorrow. Want to come?" Ecstatic, I say yes. But when I go, she avoids eye-contact with me, doesn't say but two words to me, and it was an exceedingly awkward lunch for me (I'm not sure our mutual friends noticed). - She then persistently contacts me on Facebook for months, spilling personal problems and wanting advice and help... all the while not acknowledging the weird things that had transpired in previous encounters. But her dad died, she was having trouble at school, and she found out she was pregnant... so of course I tried my best to be there for her. She invited me to the baby shower, and I was the only one in our group of mutual friends who went. I thought that was strange but didn't ask questions. - After the baby was born, she fell from the face of the earth (which is not surprising). We've chatted a couple times on Facebook, always at her initiation. But again this past couple of weeks, she's been sort of cold towards me: the last time we chatted, she tried to create drama with my BF and I ("when are you getting married? What's wrong with him that he hasn't proposed yet? Is he planning to leave you?" that kind of thing. I mentioned I was sending an Xmas card her way, and she got upset with me. And I found out a couple days ago that she recently had a dinner party to introduce her son to some of our mutual friends, and I wasn't invited. The reason (according to a mutual friend who I trust very much and who thought this was bogus), "well, I've invited all married couples, and I thought it would be uncomfortable for Nescafe to be here with us." I don't know how to make heads or tails of this "friendship." Like, we're friends sometimes, and in the past she's been really very supportive and we've been very close, but now it's almost like she thinks I've done something wrong, or she has beef... but she never comes out to tell me what her problem is. I am not the kind of person who handles subtlety well, either... so this "hot/cold" thing, if it's come on because I've done something wrong, I wouldn't know it unless she talks to me. But at this point, I'm wondering if I ought to just throw up my hands and call this one quits. I don't want to because I value having strong women in my life (and don't have as many female friends as I would like to), but when you have friends like this, who needs enemies? Any thoughts? Wow. That is tough. I have had a similar situation. It usually didn't end well. It could be mean two things: something in her life is frustrating her and she finds it easier to take it out on you, or she has lost respect for you due to the changes in her life: marriage, friends, social status etc. I know the latter hurts because you value her friendship, but real friends don't do this. She seems very bi-polar, or some emotional imbalance. When you said that none of her mutual friends showed up to her baby shower, that could be a tale sign of her eccentric attitude. Perhaps something is wrong in her marriage; you mentioned issues at school. What if she's trying to appear strong to others, but has inner turmoil. Having a baby creates a big, dramatic shift in ones life as well. She could feel frustrated that she can't relate to you, or you can't because of the marriage aspect. There are so many possibilities! Have you spoken to her face to face about her behavior? You should have a heart to heart conversation and discuss with her about how much you value the friendship. Mention everything you said here, but don't blame her for anything. Have you told your mutual friend,with whom you trust, about your friend? Maybe she can some how vouch for you? I am very interested to see how this unfolds! Please keep us posted! Edited December 17, 2013 by valerasoy
Author nescafe1982 Posted December 19, 2013 Author Posted December 19, 2013 Bump? @Valerasoy: Our mutual friend (who's a guy) has noted that she's sometimes falling off the radar with him too. She does, however, make regular contact with him, and has invited him to see her son, etc (e.g. the invites I miss, he regularly receives). She generally nicer to male friends, actually, especially married ones. I don't think it's about flirtation, but sometimes I wonder if my female "single" (read: non-married) status has somehow poses a threat to her. Sigh. Is this a chick thing? It's a chick thing, isn't it? (although I've had male friends go radio-silent after getting married too.) But it hurts me to feel judged by this friend who I've been close to for a long time. Anyway, any additional advice/opinions welcome.
preraph Posted December 20, 2013 Posted December 20, 2013 It's because she had a baby. Once your friends have babies, they don't have time for most friendships. If you both have kids, it's a little more time because you're providing babysitting support for each other, but it's still all about the kids, not about adult conversation.
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