lamaga Posted December 17, 2013 Posted December 17, 2013 i've been dating a guy for almost a month now and we've been on 8/9 dates so far. some of those happened at bars, restaurants or get togethers with friends, we also went to the cinema, other times we cooked at his or my house. we are intimate and i am starting to develop feelings for him - in fact, i really would love for this to at some point develop into a relationship. he's really bad at social media and communication via text - mostly he calls when he wants to see me or just drops by (he lives a street away). though two days ago, i might have done something wrong... as mentioned in earlier posts, at the beginning i must have given off the vibe as if i simply wanted sex or a FWB situation, when he was being sweet. eventually, i started to be sweet and showed more initiative, but now i feel like he's not getting it and either is playing along with the whole 'too cool to care' attitude, or if he really just wants a FWB situation. i mean, as i said, two days ago, he asked me out to have dinner at a restaurant and i told him i'd rather save money and cook at home, so we did eat at his house and then cuddled a bit. at the moment, we are BOTH stressing like crazy over exams, so he wasn't really as attentive as before. we slept together and then i was gonna go home. we decided to cuddle some more, but then he eventually said "i think you should go now", something he'd never said before. usually he wanted me to stay the night or even make me breakfast the next day. i know we both had an important exam the next day, but the way he said it just seemed as if he... really wanted me to leave for other reasons. i was a bit pissed at his attitude and so i kissed him goodbye and left, without saying much, but "good luck tomorrow". that was two days ago. yesterday i haven't heard from him and today neither. i am going insane. is he just silent because of exam stress, or is it that i might have made too much of a bitchy exit? the conversations are deep, we get along wonderfully and laugh a lot together, his stares show a lot and he is sensual and gentle with me, he is very affectionate and always wants to cuddle. he said that despite the stress he has at the moment, i am making everything a bit better. everybody i know who has seen us together says he is clearly interested in me and i worry too much. the sex is great too and is getting more wonderful with each time. i am just super into him, even though i've been not always showing it to him because of some mechanisms of mine that result out of having been hurt in the past after i invested too much too quickly. but since i don't want to initiate contact as of now, i am getting super anxious. i don't want to come off as needy. has he decided against US or is he just busy? should i send him a signal or should i keep waiting? we are both leaving for christmas holidays on monday, and he had asked me if i am going to the semester ending party on friday, and i think i will see him there at last, but i really wanted to go together. what should i do? wait? call? text? drop by? be sweet? be assertive? forget it? any hints are appreciated.
Divasu Posted December 17, 2013 Posted December 17, 2013 Give him a bit of space. He may be stressed from the exam and the bitchy exit on your part may have added to it. You can always send a non evasive message to him to put a smile on his face and hopefully he'll bounce back.
d0nnivain Posted December 17, 2013 Posted December 17, 2013 It's the time of year -- exams, the holidays etc. Call him if you like. use the actual phone since you said he's bad at social media.
kiss_andmakeup Posted December 17, 2013 Posted December 17, 2013 There are two separate issues here, IMO: 1. You haven't heard from him in two days. 2. There is a lack of clarity about what the intention for this relationship is - FWB? Commitment? I think you'll find that if you straighten out number 2, number 1 will follow. Maybe he is starting to develop feelings for you, but feels that he should take a step back because he thinks you only want FWB. You guys need to sit down and have a chat about this. Especially since you are intimate - you don't want there being any confusion about the concept of exclusivity and other boundaries. 1
Author lamaga Posted December 17, 2013 Author Posted December 17, 2013 There are two separate issues here, IMO: 1. You haven't heard from him in two days. 2. There is a lack of clarity about what the intention for this relationship is - FWB? Commitment? I think you'll find that if you straighten out number 2, number 1 will follow. Maybe he is starting to develop feelings for you, but feels that he should take a step back because he thinks you only want FWB. You guys need to sit down and have a chat about this. Especially since you are intimate - you don't want there being any confusion about the concept of exclusivity and other boundaries. We have established exclusivity and he told me he is only seeing me. We haven't talked about having a relationship though. Things are indeed very vague, and yes, it bothers me. I am unsure how to address it... It's just a bad time for that as well, since.. exams...
CptSaveAho Posted December 17, 2013 Posted December 17, 2013 "why waiting a few days after a date for contact is a "good" thing for men post...." hopefully the guys on LS see this
Author lamaga Posted December 17, 2013 Author Posted December 17, 2013 "why waiting a few days after a date for contact is a "good" thing for men post...." hopefully the guys on LS see this i am not sure what you are referring to and can't find the post?
FitChick Posted December 17, 2013 Posted December 17, 2013 Tell him to come over for dinner and cook something he likes. Don't pressure him, but be clear that you really care for him, want to get to know him better, are developing strong feelings, etc. However, if he doesn't feel the same, or the timing is wrong for him, you will understand. Then don't see him again.
Author lamaga Posted December 17, 2013 Author Posted December 17, 2013 Tell him to come over for dinner and cook something he likes. Don't pressure him, but be clear that you really care for him, want to get to know him better, are developing strong feelings, etc. However, if he doesn't feel the same, or the timing is wrong for him, you will understand. Then don't see him again. We might not have a chance to do this before we both leave Is there anything else I could try?
justwhoiam Posted December 17, 2013 Posted December 17, 2013 he had asked me if i am going to the semester ending party on friday, and i think i will see him there at last, but i really wanted to go together. what should i do? wait? call? text? drop by? be sweet? be assertive? forget it? any hints are appreciated. I guess I wouldn't go to the party. As I can't go with the guy I fell for, I'd rather stay home and tell my friends the reason why I'm not going to the party, because I don't feel like trying to have fun, when I know I need something else. And I don't want to use any guy I'm not interested in just to go to a party. And I would feel too down to be around the party on my own. News spreads like wildfire... if he really cares, he might leave the party and come to you.
Author lamaga Posted December 17, 2013 Author Posted December 17, 2013 I guess I wouldn't go to the party. As I can't go with the guy I fell for, I'd rather stay home and tell my friends the reason why I'm not going to the party, because I don't feel like trying to have fun, when I know I need something else. And I don't want to use any guy I'm not interested in just to go to a party. And I would feel too down to be around the party on my own. News spreads like wildfire... if he really cares, he might leave the party and come to you. What a gamble... We don't really have the same circle of friends, though. And I am unsure if he is even going...
justwhoiam Posted December 17, 2013 Posted December 17, 2013 What a gamble... We don't really have the same circle of friends, though. And I am unsure if he is even going... Ok. Maybe you bump into one of his friends, by chance... Maybe he's going to call you with short notice or on the same day of the party... if he invites you to go with him, ask him what he would like you to be... if he calls or visits you but doesn't mention the party, you can ask him if he's going. If he's going and not inviting you to join, say thanks for the call or visit but that you need to go and say bye. And stop contact. That's what I'd do. See if it makes sense. You want him to ponder a bit. If he doesn't care to ponder/lose you etc., why trying so hard to get him?
ExpatInItaly Posted December 17, 2013 Posted December 17, 2013 i've been dating a guy for almost a month now and we've been on 8/9 dates so far. some of those happened at bars, restaurants or get togethers with friends, we also went to the cinema, other times we cooked at his or my house. we are intimate and i am starting to develop feelings for him - in fact, i really would love for this to at some point develop into a relationship. he's really bad at social media and communication via text - mostly he calls when he wants to see me or just drops by (he lives a street away). though two days ago, i might have done something wrong... as mentioned in earlier posts, at the beginning i must have given off the vibe as if i simply wanted sex or a FWB situation, when he was being sweet. eventually, i started to be sweet and showed more initiative, but now i feel like he's not getting it and either is playing along with the whole 'too cool to care' attitude, or if he really just wants a FWB situation. i mean, as i said, two days ago, he asked me out to have dinner at a restaurant and i told him i'd rather save money and cook at home, so we did eat at his house and then cuddled a bit. at the moment, we are BOTH stressing like crazy over exams, so he wasn't really as attentive as before. we slept together and then i was gonna go home. we decided to cuddle some more, but then he eventually said "i think you should go now", something he'd never said before. usually he wanted me to stay the night or even make me breakfast the next day. i know we both had an important exam the next day, but the way he said it just seemed as if he... really wanted me to leave for other reasons. i was a bit pissed at his attitude and so i kissed him goodbye and left, without saying much, but "good luck tomorrow". that was two days ago. yesterday i haven't heard from him and today neither. i am going insane. is he just silent because of exam stress, or is it that i might have made too much of a bitchy exit? the conversations are deep, we get along wonderfully and laugh a lot together, his stares show a lot and he is sensual and gentle with me, he is very affectionate and always wants to cuddle. he said that despite the stress he has at the moment, i am making everything a bit better. everybody i know who has seen us together says he is clearly interested in me and i worry too much. the sex is great too and is getting more wonderful with each time. i am just super into him, even though i've been not always showing it to him because of some mechanisms of mine that result out of having been hurt in the past after i invested too much too quickly. but since i don't want to initiate contact as of now, i am getting super anxious. i don't want to come off as needy. has he decided against US or is he just busy? should i send him a signal or should i keep waiting? we are both leaving for christmas holidays on monday, and he had asked me if i am going to the semester ending party on friday, and i think i will see him there at last, but i really wanted to go together. what should i do? wait? call? text? drop by? be sweet? be assertive? forget it? any hints are appreciated. Well, did you ask why he said that? Seems rather abrupt to just send you on your way. There are plenty of more tactful ways to end a night, especially after having just been intimate. Call him. Don't text.
Author lamaga Posted December 17, 2013 Author Posted December 17, 2013 Well, did you ask why he said that? Seems rather abrupt to just send you on your way. There are plenty of more tactful ways to end a night, especially after having just been intimate. Call him. Don't text. usually i am the one who says "i think i should go now". it was 00.30 and we wanted to go to sleep early because of exams. either he really just wanted to go to sleep and knew i didn't wanna sleep there, or... he wanted to play it cool...
Author lamaga Posted December 17, 2013 Author Posted December 17, 2013 "why waiting a few days after a date for contact is a "good" thing for men post...." hopefully the guys on LS see this again, could you elaborate?
Under The Radar Posted December 17, 2013 Posted December 17, 2013 again, could you elaborate? He means: Clearly this guy's unavailability is escalating insecurity and increasing your attraction to him. The ball appears to be in his court rather than yours. You are afraid to contact him for fear of looking needy or giving him "control". Personally, I don't agree with the delayed calling tactic, but many guys do.
Author lamaga Posted December 17, 2013 Author Posted December 17, 2013 He means: Clearly this guy's unavailability is escalating insecurity and increasing your attraction to him. The ball appears to be in his court rather than yours. You are afraid to contact him for fear of looking needy or giving him "control". Personally, I don't agree with the delayed calling tactic, but many guys do. Oh jeez. Ok, so I should keep waiting?
Under The Radar Posted December 17, 2013 Posted December 17, 2013 Oh jeez. Ok, so I should keep waiting? Not necessarily. Many women here will tell you to wait for him to contact you. I am of the opinion that reaching out to him and initiating communication is perfectly fine. If he really likes you, isn't playing games, and wants to see you again ...... he'll respond favorably. Most importantly, the next time the two of you are together, you need to broach the subject of exclusivity in more detail. Specifically, what it is you both are looking for in the relationship? Is it even hashed out yet that you two are a couple? There is nothing wrong with asking these questions. If you were calling him all of the time or holding his "feet to the fire" to get answers then you will come across as needy and controlling. However, addressing these issues while being honest, and mature, will help you both figure out what direction this is heading long term.
Author lamaga Posted December 18, 2013 Author Posted December 18, 2013 Not necessarily. Many women here will tell you to wait for him to contact you. I am of the opinion that reaching out to him and initiating communication is perfectly fine. If he really likes you, isn't playing games, and wants to see you again ...... he'll respond favorably. Most importantly, the next time the two of you are together, you need to broach the subject of exclusivity in more detail. Specifically, what it is you both are looking for in the relationship? Is it even hashed out yet that you two are a couple? There is nothing wrong with asking these questions. If you were calling him all of the time or holding his "feet to the fire" to get answers then you will come across as needy and controlling. However, addressing these issues while being honest, and mature, will help you both figure out what direction this is heading long term. I am still unsure as to how to bring this up with him. It might be even a language thing. You must know, I've lived abroad in the States for 4 years and now I moved to the Netherlands, doing an English study, so for the past 4 years I've only been speaking English on a daily basis. I am hyper-fluent and my native tongue, German, I rarely speak anymore. So the guy I am seeing is also German, we communicate in German. I feel I am a different person when speaking German and can barely identify with it. I am constantly switching back and forth and sometimes we text in English even, but it feels at the same time unnatural to speak English with each other, when again I feel I am more of a 'personality' in English, since I've developed my character in English over the past 4 years (which were crucial, I am almost 27 now). I must say, I am very insecure when I talk German with him and feel almost too vulnerable to be cool enough to bring up the whole subject matter. In English I am sexy and flirty, in German still the naive 22 year old. Does that make sense to you? Any advice is appreciated.
SunnySide0418 Posted December 18, 2013 Posted December 18, 2013 We have established exclusivity and he told me he is only seeing me. We haven't talked about having a relationship though. Things are indeed very vague, and yes, it bothers me. I am unsure how to address it... It's just a bad time for that as well, since.. exams... Why not send a text and ask how his exams went?
Under The Radar Posted December 18, 2013 Posted December 18, 2013 I am still unsure as to how to bring this up with him. It might be even a language thing. You must know, I've lived abroad in the States for 4 years and now I moved to the Netherlands, doing an English study, so for the past 4 years I've only been speaking English on a daily basis. I am hyper-fluent and my native tongue, German, I rarely speak anymore. So the guy I am seeing is also German, we communicate in German. I feel I am a different person when speaking German and can barely identify with it. I am constantly switching back and forth and sometimes we text in English even, but it feels at the same time unnatural to speak English with each other, when again I feel I am more of a 'personality' in English, since I've developed my character in English over the past 4 years (which were crucial, I am almost 27 now). I must say, I am very insecure when I talk German with him and feel almost too vulnerable to be cool enough to bring up the whole subject matter. In English I am sexy and flirty, in German still the naive 22 year old. Does that make sense to you? Any advice is appreciated. Everybody gets insecure, but you have to muster the courage to broach the subject. Without doing that you cannot expect to get the answers you desire. My suggestion would be to write down what you want to say/ask him on paper in German. Practice out loud the questions and general ideas you want to speak with him about in German. Jotting down your thoughts and rehearsing them alone should help. Once you are with him it will not be as hard as you think to talk about this. The more you dwell on this, the more anxiety you will have, and the harder it will be to have the conversation.
Eternal Sunshine Posted December 18, 2013 Posted December 18, 2013 Yes I would wait and next him if I am waiting too long.
Under The Radar Posted December 18, 2013 Posted December 18, 2013 Yes I would wait and next him if I am waiting too long. That's game playing. There is nothing wrong with the woman initiating communication. If he ignores that, or reciprocates with "bread crumbs", then next him. 2
fujidabruin Posted December 18, 2013 Posted December 18, 2013 Yes I would wait and next him if I am waiting too long. Based upon Eternal's previous posts, I do not believe this response is game playing. IMHO, I think this is the viewpoint of a confident woman who IS NOT interested in playing games. Our male brotherhood too often chastise a girl for allowing herself to be a doormat and label her a "bitch" when she shows poise and self-respect. Sunshine's comment seems to be receptive to an appropriate response, "Yes I would wait" yet she is in control of her actions and is respectful of herself - "next him if I am waiting too long" I like this..... 2
fujidabruin Posted December 18, 2013 Posted December 18, 2013 There is nothing wrong with the woman initiating communication. If he ignores that, or reciprocates with "bread crumbs", then next him. This is valid too^..... however, if the ball is in his court and he refuses to respond then that is a response of sorts, albeit a negative one. Lamaga, if you are to initiate communication here, I would hope you do it with confidence and focus on establishing an understanding between the 2 of you. Hopefully, things work out for you. Just hope you are prepared to move on if he does not respond well.
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