Author Kevin_D Posted December 18, 2013 Author Posted December 18, 2013 Honestly, if this is how you communicate, I can understand why she might have been hesitant to have this conversation with you. And aren't you being a bit hypocritical in your second paragraph? This whole thread is about how the person YOU want didn't operate in a way YOU wanted her to and didn't address her issues with YOU in a way that YOU deemed acceptable. No, the whole thread is about what she stated that she wanted. She told me all the time how important it is for her to feel secure in the relationship because of her chaotic childhood. She had a bipolar mother who could suddenly disappear, break her toys or blaming her for her misery. And I was more than willing to be that steady guy, that would always be there for her when she felt insecure or afraid. The problem is, this made me feel secure as well. I had a very cynical view on life (as you can imagine ) before I met her. I thought, if she wants this so badly from me, she must be willing to always be there for me as well. Wrong. This is actually the saddest part. I realise that I sound like a cynical idiot. If you had asked a few months ago, I would have told you about how my girlfriend made me realise what true love is. I think it's very immature to say stuff "I'll always be there for you" if you aren't 99,9% certain that this will be the case. Why not say something like "I'm here for you today and hopefully tomorrow as well"?
ponchsox Posted December 18, 2013 Posted December 18, 2013 No, the whole thread is about what she stated that she wanted. She told me all the time how important it is for her to feel secure in the relationship because of her chaotic childhood. She had a bipolar mother who could suddenly disappear, break her toys or blaming her for her misery. And I was more than willing to be that steady guy, that would always be there for her when she felt insecure or afraid. The problem is, this made me feel secure as well. I had a very cynical view on life (as you can imagine ) before I met her. I thought, if she wants this so badly from me, she must be willing to always be there for me as well. Wrong. This is actually the saddest part. I realise that I sound like a cynical idiot. If you had asked a few months ago, I would have told you about how my girlfriend made me realise what true love is. I think it's very immature to say stuff "I'll always be there for you" if you aren't 99,9% certain that this will be the case. Why not say something like "I'm here for you today and hopefully tomorrow as well"? Because nothing in life is guaranteed tomorrow. It's all in Gods hands. She probably meant it at the time and things change. One thing I do know is if you're always cynical about the future of a relationship, it's probably not going to succeed. 1
Author Kevin_D Posted December 18, 2013 Author Posted December 18, 2013 You can never be sure of that. Ever. Things change. It's not immaturity to say those things, it's optimism. Optimism is needed in relationships, otherwise they won't flourish. Optimism is usually goes hand in hand with immaturity or even stupidity. I do agree that a certain degree of optimism is needed (for example, if you lose attraction, you need to believe that it will eventually come back). A 10-year old can have hundreds of ideas on how we can solve the world's energy problems. A 60-year old scientist may have one or two ideas. Does this mean that the kid does a better job? Of course not. If you look at the statistics (my ex was only 17 years old when we met): Divorce Statistics and Divorce Rate in the USA Now, bear in mind that we weren't even married. Simply looking at the first table should give you a hint. With these statistics in mind, it's rather careless to say things such as "I'll will always be there for you even if you get handicapped" and so on. That's not optimism, it's just stupid. But I don't even know why I am writing her. Obviously there's something wrong with trying to analyze a relationship from a scientific point of view. It's almost like people don't want to be reminded that we're just animals in a synthetic jungle.
Simon Phoenix Posted December 18, 2013 Posted December 18, 2013 Optimism is usually goes hand in hand with immaturity or even stupidity. I do agree that a certain degree of optimism is needed (for example, if you lose attraction, you need to believe that it will eventually come back). A 10-year old can have hundreds of ideas on how we can solve the world's energy problems. A 60-year old scientist may have one or two ideas. Does this mean that the kid does a better job? Of course not. If you look at the statistics (my ex was only 17 years old when we met): Divorce Statistics and Divorce Rate in the USA Now, bear in mind that we weren't even married. Simply looking at the first table should give you a hint. With these statistics in mind, it's rather careless to say things such as "I'll will always be there for you even if you get handicapped" and so on. That's not optimism, it's just stupid. But I don't even know why I am writing her. Obviously there's something wrong with trying to analyze a relationship from a scientific point of view. It's almost like people don't want to be reminded that we're just animals in a synthetic jungle. You need to get out of the lab dude. Human emotion and feelings don't work that way. I'm analytical too (though not nearly to the extent you are it seems) but that does you no good when dealing with human emotion and feelings. The more you think about it in these terms, the more you'll drive yourself insane and psyche yourself out for relationships in the future. 1
Author Kevin_D Posted December 18, 2013 Author Posted December 18, 2013 You need to get out of the lab dude. Human emotion and feelings don't work that way. I'm analytical too (though not nearly to the extent you are it seems) but that does you no good when dealing with human emotion and feelings. The more you think about it in these terms, the more you'll drive yourself insane and psyche yourself out for relationships in the future. Please, give me advice on how to do this. And I really mean it. Seriously. Because you're right, it's driving me insane. I'm really not a bad guy. My problem, if anything, is that I've always been to humble (yeah, that's right). Let's face some facts: - I'm rather short (5''8') - I've got a high-pitched voice - I'm a terrible leader - I've got no self-esteem - I believed in Hollywood movies I wouldn't say that I'm ugly, but as you can imagine, I used to get friend-zoned A LOT. All the girls "loved" me, but for some reason no one wanted to kiss me. So I began doing research. I studied science, psychology and dating guides. I began to look at women as computers. If I enter the right syntax, good things will happen. And guess what? It worked. The problem was... I wasn't happy playing games all the time. I wanted to be able to cry in front of my girlfriend. I wanted to be able to have bad days. But as soon as I stopped playing games, they ended it. But my last girlfriend was different. It seemed that she didn't like the cynical me. She like the "real" me. I felt that the more I opened up, the more she loved me. And this is why I am so confused and heart-broken right now. I stopped playing games because I finally felt safe and secure. A phone call later, and she's reduced to stranger. She plays mind games, flirts openly with guys that she knew I was jealous of, throws me occasional breadcrumbs. Wants to meet me for coffee, but takes 40 hours to reply and so on... This made me think. When we met, I was 20 and she was 17. I was studying to become a civil engineer, had done some travelling, knew the good resturants... She had no self-esteem, no money and lived with her bipolar mom. My friends couldn't believe that I was interested in her. The said that she was "pale and fat". Fast forward six years. She is now a bombshell. Really. She's one of the hottest girls I've ever seen. Actually, almost everytime we went out together, I got to hear stuff like "How did you get her!??!" or "You bring hope to all the nerds in the galaxy". I had mixed feelings about this. I enjoyed that people envied me, but I didn't like being treated as a nobody. She has studied at the university. She has many new friends. I, on the other hand, can't seem to find a job. I've got very little money and therefore I live with my parents at the moment. In her eyes, I'm no longer the older, sophisticated guy. I'm a reduced to a whiny and grumpy failure. Was the entire relationship a power struggle all along? Did I managed to cheat nature by getting someone "out of my league" by realising her true potential before she did it herself?
Author Kevin_D Posted December 18, 2013 Author Posted December 18, 2013 You manipulated her by playing games and she wised up. And suddenly everything is clear. Yo're not going to have a successful relationship if you don't have self-esteem and confidence in yourself. So I'd be focusing on fixing that first. To view women in such a cold and unfeeling way, I'm not at all surprised that she finally worked it out. Did you even read what I wrote? I told you that I didn't have to play games with her. That's why she is so special to me. She appreciated me for who I am. But since you know everything, please tell me about your successful relationships. How long have you been together with your current boyfriend/huspend (I assume you are a girl)?
Author Kevin_D Posted December 18, 2013 Author Posted December 18, 2013 There is no scientific formula, and you need to stop looking for one. You just have to be a happy, confident, interesting person. Be kind, but not a pushover. Be generous, but not a doormat. Be empathetic and non judgmental. Be happy without love, and people will be drawn to that. Hehe. You told me not to play games, but the traits you're listing are all part of a game (if you don't have them naturally). Sure, I can stick a pencil between me teeth to trick my brain that I'm laughing, which stimulates the release of dopamine (scientifically proven by the way), which would make me a happier person. And yes, I write "I'm a sexy guy. Everyone thinks I'm totally hot" 1000 times on a piece of paper I read it every night. And I can pretend that I have the "right" opinions about things (that I'm a believer of destiny, true love and eternal happiness blah blah blah) But that would be playing a game.
hermitinator Posted December 18, 2013 Posted December 18, 2013 Are there any dumpers here than can shed some light on this? How can you suddenly switch off all compassion? How can you become so narcissistic that you stop caring about people that have helped you so much in the past? Can you really expect someone else to invest in a relationship, if you're going to walk away without a warning when something feels wrong? This is hard to read. Especially concerning the response's to the "dumper", sensationalized. I recently got out of a two year relationship with a man who I still love. I was the dumper. There are a lot of people who are dumpers and behave as you have described: cold, narcissistic and uncaring. This is the first time that I have had to be the "dumper" because the man that I still love has admitted to me that he has never dumped someone and never will, that he has prolonged an abusive relationship before after it had become a corpse - intitially, was dead. We are both then passive when it comes to ending a relationship, but I am not one to be part of a zombie relationship because I have always found distasteful. This doesn't mean that I am going to run away with my tail between my legs at a small sign of struggle. We did try. Thus, I don't think the "dumper" should be generalized, but should be narrowed down to the person that you are dating, who is an actual human being with feelings, thoughts and experiences. I am not attempting to devalue anyone's hurt feelings during their process of healing, but to only point out a different perspective. This is my own personal experience. First of all, if a "dumper" wants to break up without working on the relationship, they aren't interested in sticking around to find out if it will work. They don't want to stick around to see if it would work. Don't look to into it, it most likely says more about them than about you. For instance, I talked to a friend (male) who admitted that he is intimacy shy in relationships; thus, he doesn't stick around long enough to see if it would work. How a "dumper" approaches the difficulty of a relationship is his own personal struggle and it says more about him or her than it says about the dumpee or "victim", as most see the person as. Let me put it this way. There is no easy way to answer your questions because everything is circumstantial and how people, individually, react to a break-up or onlook of one. The break-up hasn't been easy for me. For one, this is one man that I have found a profound intimacy and connection with. Will I find this in another man? I don't know. Two people might be good together, but they aren't good for each other. As I put it to a friend: "it's a circle of disaster": I will cry, but remind myself why it didn't work out. Then cry again because he was such a big part of my life, was my best friend and my lover. I was very involved in my relationship and tried to fix the problems that were in it; some of it was because of the circumstances and others was behavioral. This is not an easy ride for the dumper or the dumpee if both were giving the same effort into the relationship. The dumper needs the same support as the one who was dumped. What a person shows you might not be what they are experiencing. They might rationalize that they or you need to be completely cut off from their or your life for you to move on; only to then become friends in time. People react differently to a break-up because of its overwhelming nature. The Break-Up is a personal experience, it has nothing to do with the dumpee. As the dumper, I feel like I haven't just broken his heart, but I have broken my heart. In this sense, I am reacting to the break-up as the dumper (rationalizing why it didn't work, that I tried making work, that circumstances suck), but also as the dumpee (sentimentality, hurt, devastated, aloneness, heartbroken). 5
Author Kevin_D Posted December 18, 2013 Author Posted December 18, 2013 Thank you hermitinator for a great response. This was what I was looking for. I actually feel a lot better now. Like I said, I can stand being alone, but I can't stand the feeling that someone is perfectly fine with throwing away six years without even trying to discuss things. I still don't get how she could turn into a monster though. Perhaps it's easier for her to hate me.
Simon Phoenix Posted December 18, 2013 Posted December 18, 2013 Please, give me advice on how to do this. And I really mean it. Seriously. Because you're right, it's driving me insane. I'm really not a bad guy. My problem, if anything, is that I've always been to humble (yeah, that's right). Let's face some facts: - I'm rather short (5''8') - I've got a high-pitched voice - I'm a terrible leader - I've got no self-esteem - I believed in Hollywood movies I wouldn't say that I'm ugly, but as you can imagine, I used to get friend-zoned A LOT. All the girls "loved" me, but for some reason no one wanted to kiss me. So I began doing research. I studied science, psychology and dating guides. I began to look at women as computers. If I enter the right syntax, good things will happen. And guess what? It worked. The problem was... I wasn't happy playing games all the time. I wanted to be able to cry in front of my girlfriend. I wanted to be able to have bad days. But as soon as I stopped playing games, they ended it. But my last girlfriend was different. It seemed that she didn't like the cynical me. She like the "real" me. I felt that the more I opened up, the more she loved me. And this is why I am so confused and heart-broken right now. I stopped playing games because I finally felt safe and secure. A phone call later, and she's reduced to stranger. She plays mind games, flirts openly with guys that she knew I was jealous of, throws me occasional breadcrumbs. Wants to meet me for coffee, but takes 40 hours to reply and so on... This made me think. When we met, I was 20 and she was 17. I was studying to become a civil engineer, had done some travelling, knew the good resturants... She had no self-esteem, no money and lived with her bipolar mom. My friends couldn't believe that I was interested in her. The said that she was "pale and fat". Fast forward six years. She is now a bombshell. Really. She's one of the hottest girls I've ever seen. Actually, almost everytime we went out together, I got to hear stuff like "How did you get her!??!" or "You bring hope to all the nerds in the galaxy". I had mixed feelings about this. I enjoyed that people envied me, but I didn't like being treated as a nobody. She has studied at the university. She has many new friends. I, on the other hand, can't seem to find a job. I've got very little money and therefore I live with my parents at the moment. In her eyes, I'm no longer the older, sophisticated guy. I'm a reduced to a whiny and grumpy failure. Was the entire relationship a power struggle all along? Did I managed to cheat nature by getting someone "out of my league" by realising her true potential before she did it herself? It's good to be introspective and it's good to have a brain on your shoulders, but often times your brain gets in the way of you just being you. Analytical people tend to spend all of their time thinking and less time actually getting things done. Honestly, the length of this post is one of your biggest issues right now -- too much rehashing and analyzation and less "grip it and rip it" mentality. Who cares if you are short, have a squeaky voice, have no job, whatever. Half the guys that pull ass are grungy dudes in rock bands who work at coffee shops and live either in their parents' basement or in a crappy studio apartment with a roommate. They do well because a) they are willing to put themselves out there with music and b) they don't give a sh*t. Women tend to be attracted to guys that exude confidence and that are comfortable in their own skin. Sure, being 6'3 with a six-pack and a sizable bank account helps, but there are plenty of guys without any of that that attract women. I would guess that as your girl was becoming more confident, she saw you as less confident. And that turns girls off -- so does having to analyze everything. Girls want fun, girls want spontaneity, girls want a man. Girls don't want a robot, then want a guy that's comfortable in his own skin. If your skin is a short, squeaky-voice nerd, then be the best short, squeaky-voiced nerd you can be. Own it. I tend to try to think of all the angles before playing them. That's gotten me in trouble, so I've stopped that. Sometimes you have to say "fu*k it" and go. Your ex doesn't want to analyze all of this stuff. She doesn't want to solve a mathematical formula or find a proof to the equation of love. She wants a guy that can relax and be free with himself. So stop trying to treat women as computers and stop trying to solve the Matrix or divide by zero. And last, but certainly not least, Hollywood movies are entertainment. That's it. I learned that the hard way when I was 18 and had a girl break up with me. But yeah, anything you've ever seen in a movie about the geek getting the girl or a girl wanting you to chase her and sweep her off her feet -- flush it. 1
hermitinator Posted December 18, 2013 Posted December 18, 2013 Thank you hermitinator for a great response. This was what I was looking for. I actually feel a lot better now. Like I said, I can stand being alone, but I can't stand the feeling that someone is perfectly fine with throwing away six years without even trying to discuss things. I still don't get how she could turn into a monster though. Perhaps it's easier for her to hate me. I am happy to know that I can assist you in your healing process and that you feel a lot better now. I have been researching articles all day on the right and healthy approach to move on. One thing stuck out to me, which I think might benefit you (take it or leave it, of course): "What your ex is doing is none of your business". I think this could be translated into, how your ex-partner react to dumping you or the separation is none of your business. The fact that you are not a part of her life anymore is her loss. Also, you said: "perhaps it's easier for her to hate me". This is most likely a truth rather than a lie. It is easier to get over someone when you don't like them, when you falsely victimize yourself.
organizedchaos Posted December 18, 2013 Posted December 18, 2013 Hermitinator, this really spoke to me: First of all, if a "dumper" wants to break up without working on the relationship, they aren't interested in sticking around to find out if it will work. They don't want to stick around to see if it would work. Don't look to into it, it most likely says more about them than about you. For instance, I talked to a friend (male) who admitted that he is intimacy shy in relationships; thus, he doesn't stick around long enough to see if it would work. How a "dumper" approaches the difficulty of a relationship is his own personal struggle and it says more about him or her than it says about the dumpee or "victim", as most see the person as. My ex did this to me after 2.5 years. I've struggled trying to accept and deal with it. But it makes sense. She's always been selfish and somewhat self absorbed. So it makes sense that she would just walk away when she's done instead of trying to work through things. It still sucks though.
LadyM Posted December 18, 2013 Posted December 18, 2013 (edited) I feel that oftentimes, the dumper has built up a case against the dumpee for quite some time, completely justifying a quick BU. I don't think they "suddenly switch off all compassion." I think it all comes to a head and it seems sudden and cold to us, completely out of the blue, but they've been thinking about leaving for a long time. They generally wait until they have found a new love interest or have lost most feeling for us and just want out pretty badly and pretty fast. Even though they may pretend that things are going well, or even if there are struggles along the way, by the end, I think the dumper wants to eradicate the dumpee quickly, like a flea on their shirt. Flick it off fast and continue on their merry way. I don't even think they feel so much that they are being "mean," as you said, rather, they are concerned with their own feelings, which is relief to be out of the relationship. They are not concentrating on your pain and suffering for long - they move on relatively fast to what concerns them in their new life. That's how they can "live with themselves." They may tell us they love us, but that isn't what love looks like to me. Sometimes I question whether there are any guilt feeling at all. They feel confident with their desire to start anew with very little looking back. Perhaps they "look back" some time down the road, when their lives aren't as particularly rosy as they thought they would be and remember us with a grain of fondness, which is usually when the proverbial breadcrumb is tossed our way. No doubt, not true in all cases, but definitely prevalent when dealing with narcissists. Even though this isn't the way you operate, many dumpers feel a great sense of relief to have the relationship finally end. There are some, like yourself, who would feel greatly pained to end a relationship, but everyone has a different mindset. Just because you would feel one way, you can't expect others to follow suit. I don't understand why many dumpers are particularly cruel during and after the BU, as was your girlfriend. I can only guess that they have some anger built up against us and that's when they finally let it out. Again, not all dumpers act this way, but it surely seems to be a distinct pattern here on LS. No wonder we're all here. Edited December 18, 2013 by LadyM
regine_phalange Posted December 18, 2013 Posted December 18, 2013 I have been a serial dumper, never been dumped... I wish someone would dump me so I wouldn't have to be the "bad" one all the times. Actually when I broke up with my longest relationship, I couldn't eat anything for a week and crying the whole day because I hurt him. So, it's not always narcissistic when someone ends things. Sometimes one just feels there is nothing more to give. All the times I broke up with someone was because they wouldn't pay attention to my concerns for a long time or if the trust was broken... I always hang for a while and wait, try for things to get better. But after a certain point I can't stand feeling trapped in a situation. I feel like I can't breathe and want out.
hermitinator Posted December 18, 2013 Posted December 18, 2013 All the times I broke up with someone was because they wouldn't pay attention to my concerns for a long time I can't stand feeling trapped in a situation. . This is what happened to me, that he wouldn't pay attention to my concerns. Or rather, he would, in the beginning, but then we would go back to our own ways when we did try to make a change (he was a functioning alcoholic). Now that I have been introduced to this site, I did have the 'Grass is Greener on the Other Side' Syndrome, but I felt that way because he wasn't giving me what I needed to feel satisfied. And it isn't as if I believed the grass was greener, I knew I had a potential love and I attempted to fix it, but there is so much that you can fix before you start to manipulate your own or your partner's personality. I want to point out that as the dumped, it isn't your problem if you can't satisfy your partner. What you have isn't what they are looking for in a relationship or a partner as to feel happy. I understand that not all person(s) who have dumped, or your partner(s) who have dumped you, are going to be sympathetic to your hurt feelings. As human beings we are self-involved, our main concern is: how could they do this to us? I do not deserve this! The main thing to understand is that we are human beings, we sometimes callously break people without acknowledging that their brokenness might be our responsibility. Then again, if your partner was there for you and did not fall off the face of the world, they supported and tried to be there for you, would you get over them? The world has its doubts. It would be nice, at first, but I think after a while, both of you would realize in order to truly move on, both of you have to fall off the face of each other's worlds for as much time as it takes to get over each other. There are the rare past relationships where two people break up as to get back together; as in, right now is not their perfect time for their love, but when they have themselves figured out more and what they want, they come back together as to create an even bigger love. That is what I am struggling with right now. I wish there was a way as to break up with someone because it is the right thing to do (for them to find someone that lives closer or that fits what they want more, musically or otherwise), but to still have them part of your life. And I keep creating illusions in my head: circumstances are against us right now, maybe after we figure the world and how we fit into it, individually, we will come back to each other.
hermitinator Posted December 18, 2013 Posted December 18, 2013 I feel that oftentimes, the dumper has built up a case against the dumpee for quite some time, completely justifying a quick BU. I don't think they "suddenly switch off all compassion." I think it all comes to a head and it seems sudden and cold to us, completely out of the blue, but they've been thinking about leaving for a long time. They generally wait until they have found a new love interest or have lost most feeling for us and just want out pretty badly and pretty fast. Even though they may pretend that things are going well, or even if there are struggles along the way, by the end, I think the dumper wants to eradicate the dumpee quickly, like a flea on their shirt. Flick it off fast and continue on their merry way. I don't even think they feel so much that they are being "mean," as you said, rather, they are concerned with their own feelings, which is relief to be out of the relationship. They are not concentrating on your pain and suffering for long - they move on relatively fast to what concerns them in their new life. That's how they can "live with themselves." They may tell us they love us, but that isn't what love looks like to me. Sometimes I question whether there are any guilt feeling at all. They feel confident with their desire to start anew with very little looking back. Perhaps they "look back" some time down the road, when their lives aren't as particularly rosy as they thought they would be and remember us with a grain of fondness, which is usually when the proverbial breadcrumb is tossed our way. No doubt, not true in all cases, but definitely prevalent when dealing with narcissists. Even though this isn't the way you operate, many dumpers feel a great sense of relief to have the relationship finally end. There are some, like yourself, who would feel greatly pained to end a relationship, but everyone has a different mindset. Just because you would feel one way, you can't expect others to follow suit. I don't understand why many dumpers are particularly cruel during and after the BU, as was your girlfriend. I can only guess that they have some anger built up against us and that's when they finally let it out. Again, not all dumpers act this way, but it surely seems to be a distinct pattern here on LS. No wonder we're all here. Instead of analyzing why and how they could do this to you, analyze how they came to the situation, what was actually wrong? Was there anything wrong with the relationship? Why were they unhappy? Was it something could have been changed? You might find out that they just wanted an excuse so accept that the person might be conspirying against you with the Devil, but move on. Accept that they don't want to be with you anymore and that they are narcissistic, cold and uncaring. When I was a freshman in college, my boyfriend at the time dumped me through facebook messaging. I was devastated, but I already felt that the relationship was on the rocks. Senior year, he finally confronted me and told me that he always felt horrible for doing that to me (or I heard it from another person that he felt this way).
sw2020 Posted December 18, 2013 Posted December 18, 2013 I've dumped, been dumped once and had a couple of mutual breakups. The mutual breakups were by far the worst experiences. One was due to moving away and the other was a 4 year relationship that we just couldn't fix (or ignored to fix). When I was the one dumping, I didn't honestly care all that much. I was sad for a very short period but general relief and freedom were my feelings. Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind. It's not that I didn't care about them, it's just that I knew we had to move on and being honest, there's a certain amount of being pissed off at the other person for them making me have to do it. Perhaps that's a weird rationale. I invested in the relationship too and I felt let down by them. My most recent relationship was insanely up and down. She was by all accounts pretty crazy. Utter infatuation with me in the first 6 months, but there were serious red flags with trust issues and bouncing between utter love and actual dislike towards me. She was taking a lot from me and not giving much back. I was by all account totally in love with her though. I still actually am. (dumped a month ago). Now I did EVERYTHING in my power to save the relationship. Literally EVERYTHING. She blames me for it not working. I was constantly on trial and the most minor mistakes (or made up mistakes) were punished severely. She ended it with me after getting pregnant, then having an abortion (we broke up the day after she had it). She says that I didn't make her feel special enough and didn't include her as part of my life enough (I run two businesses, play loads of sport and have lots of friends). I stopped a lot of what I love because of her though. It was an impossible task for her to be continually happy and it was seemingly all my fault. I still feel incredibly drained and exhausted and upset from the breakup and abortion. Especially as she has been acting like she really doesn't care. Not even remotely bothered. Cold as ice. But the second she thought I was moving on and feeling good, she didn't like it, made contact, I buckled and it set me back a week of progress. I know she was a mess before I met her and she'll be a mess after I'm gone. It hurts like hell at times, but I still remember the man I was before she tore me apart and it makes me happy to begin feeling like that again. Also, in this instance I'm really glad I was the one dumped, because I still have feelings of letting her down and abandoning her. Imagine if I had done the dumping! (Which with hindsight, I really should have done a long time prior).
Juha Posted December 20, 2013 Posted December 20, 2013 How about when someone is having a problem like family members being sick and almost dying and you have to take over everything. Got so stressful and anxiety over took me and made me someone I was not. Needy, clingy, had meltdowns,etc... Treated her badly at times, did not know it as with the anxiety being so bad you can't focus on anything or even remember conversations or things you did. I am not needy or clingy or any of that. I was being that way accroding to my therapist that I am now getting help with. Was being that way because I could not speak about anything or feel anything. It was my way to tell the people I am closest with that I am hurting and need help, please help me. SHe did not know this and still does not. She just ran away, said a whole bunch of mean and untrue things about the relationship. Still has never talked to me about anything. has been totally cold, angry, aloof, and hateful towards me. When I tried to tell her that I finally was getting help and getting better that's when she freaked out on me and broke up and told me I hope this does not have any affect on you. Yes she tried to talk with me and tell me she did not know who I was a and how could she help and just wanted me back. I was so messed up I could not hear anything, concentrate on anything. Things before I got messed up with the situation where great and we were in such a good place it was ridiculous. Now she only thinks of me as weak, needy, smothering, etc. I am not that person now or before. Things could easily have been worked out but she decided to go scorched earth policy and now has turned things around that she did and made me the bad guy. SHe is now projecting whatever she is dealing with on me because she does not want to deal with it. Just totally ridiculous and did not have to be like this. SHowed me how emotionally immature she is and it really sucks that it has to be like this. We were best friends, great lovers, and very caring. Always had fun and no issues at all before I got messed up. Now I am like a piece of trash tossed on the side of the road. She still has feelings and can see she still loves me but is fighting herself and just moving forward no matter what. Just called broke up with me, never spoke at all and has since run away and hid. Made me the bad guy. All I feel is now that the anxiety is better and I am better is that I am being punished for getting sick and losing myself. Now that my mind is clear again and can remember things she did tell me she could not take me being so smothering and needy and to give her space and wanted our relationship to be how it was. WHich if i was not messed up and she did and still does not know the amount of pain I was in at the time. I would not have been like that but to just run away and think of me that way makes me feel like I am being punished and did not do anything wrong to lose the person I love and makes me smile. I'll shut up now just so many emotions and no where to put them.
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