belinda22 Posted December 17, 2013 Posted December 17, 2013 Since some of you may not read my previous thread I will do a quick summary. My ex and I were dating for over four years. I'm his first gf in over 10 years (he's 30). Basically all the signs of commitment phobia. We have broken up twice and taken "space" two times. Each time it was when we were really close and about to take a step in the relationship. This time we were looking at investment homes and about to get engaged. We have talked openly about marriage and family but he always gets scared. We took a break in August an eventually started seeing each other and ring intimate again. He came to the house and helped me with chores. And bam! He was gone again. Said he didn't want to be half in and half out. This was end of October. Since then we've texted. He's come over to the house to talk (he bawled) said he'd think about what I said and he loves me. He's on this whole all or nothing train of thought that he won't come back until he can commit to forever even though he loves and misses me and our house. Last time we spoke I made him angry. We are no contact now and tomorrow will be a week. It's so hard. It kills me. It kills me that this can seem easy for him. I need help to remain strong. It's such a mind game going from marriage to not speaking. He's trying to be the nice guy and saying I can move on but when he came to the house he looked in every room including the fridge. I need to remain strong and not reach out, but it's so hard. He does have issues. I acknowledge that, but we were really close.
ks0985 Posted December 17, 2013 Posted December 17, 2013 Since some of you may not read my previous thread I will do a quick summary. My ex and I were dating for over four years. I'm his first gf in over 10 years (he's 30). Basically all the signs of commitment phobia. We have broken up twice and taken "space" two times. Each time it was when we were really close and about to take a step in the relationship. This time we were looking at investment homes and about to get engaged. We have talked openly about marriage and family but he always gets scared. We took a break in August an eventually started seeing each other and ring intimate again. He came to the house and helped me with chores. And bam! He was gone again. Said he didn't want to be half in and half out. This was end of October. Since then we've texted. He's come over to the house to talk (he bawled) said he'd think about what I said and he loves me. He's on this whole all or nothing train of thought that he won't come back until he can commit to forever even though he loves and misses me and our house. Last time we spoke I made him angry. We are no contact now and tomorrow will be a week. It's so hard. It kills me. It kills me that this can seem easy for him. I need help to remain strong. It's such a mind game going from marriage to not speaking. He's trying to be the nice guy and saying I can move on but when he came to the house he looked in every room including the fridge. I need to remain strong and not reach out, but it's so hard. He does have issues. I acknowledge that, but we were really close. Probably a really good chance this is not the case, however it does not mean he isnt trying to move on. Break ups are tough for both people 1
reddragon588 Posted December 17, 2013 Posted December 17, 2013 The darkest hour is just before the dawn! Keep it up! 1
Author belinda22 Posted December 17, 2013 Author Posted December 17, 2013 Well in my mind I know he's not "great". He's drinking a lot. He's lost weight, and he was already skinny. He has had about 5 cold sores I'm assuming From stress, and he cried when he talked to me. When we were trying to do the see each other once a week thing, he was having nightmares and almost like panic attacks. He's so terrified of commitment. It's like he has to avoid me so he doesn't have to feel. It's awful. Part of me thinks it would be better if he just didn't like me, but I doubt that would make it easier.
BlessYourCottonSocks Posted December 17, 2013 Posted December 17, 2013 It is very hard to remain NC, but it would be harder to prolong the inevitable, keep contact and be lead on! These men never change, we have to accept that. Read this: What do they "feel" when we go No Contact, the Abuse Cycle, Silent Treatment, and will he change if I go NC? | Lisa E. Scott
Author belinda22 Posted December 17, 2013 Author Posted December 17, 2013 Socks- thanks for the article. How are you doing since you moved out? Has he tried To contact anymore? I just struggle so badly with no talking. He was my best friend and we loved together almost the entire time (although it took two years to officially move in). He wants to be alone to figure himself out w no influence from anyone. I hate it. Trying to remain strong. I've already done the begging and pleading. This is my only option.
BlessYourCottonSocks Posted December 17, 2013 Posted December 17, 2013 Socks- thanks for the article. How are you doing since you moved out? Has he tried To contact anymore? I just struggle so badly with no talking. He was my best friend and we loved together almost the entire time (although it took two years to officially move in). He wants to be alone to figure himself out w no influence from anyone. I hate it. Trying to remain strong. I've already done the begging and pleading. This is my only option. I am doing okay. I have my tough moments, but they go away (and then come back). He contacted twice, but I've ignored. I struggle just as much as you, but you have to be strong, because being strong is all you have right now. Forget about what has NOT happened yet, and focus on what HAS happened. He left you and now you have the power to handle the situation the proper way. You get to sit back, take care of yourself and move forward. It is actually really easy if you think about it. If he wants to come back he has to do all the work, NOT YOU. Remaining NC is vital. If he contacts you and you feel the need to say something, say, "Please respect my privacy as I respect your decision to move on". Be strong. Can you PM yet? Message me!
Author belinda22 Posted December 17, 2013 Author Posted December 17, 2013 Socks- I can't pm yet I don't think. I have ok days and terrible days like today. I knew he had these issues but its always been that he comes back and says he's not ready but he wants to be with me. I don't know why it's different this time. It's maddening. He cycles through being mean to me (usually via text, email, or phone). Then in person he's so much more loving and nice. I don't get the game he's playing this time. He says he has to be all or nothing this time, when I will just be with him without marriage. It's hard when there's no one to talk to who understands or has dated a person with commitment phobia.
Author belinda22 Posted December 17, 2013 Author Posted December 17, 2013 It's so hard to not text. To try to get some reassurance from him. But I won't text him and instead ill just post here. Most disappointed in the person he is.
BlessYourCottonSocks Posted December 17, 2013 Posted December 17, 2013 Socks- I can't pm yet I don't think. I have ok days and terrible days like today. I knew he had these issues but its always been that he comes back and says he's not ready but he wants to be with me. I don't know why it's different this time. It's maddening. He cycles through being mean to me (usually via text, email, or phone). Then in person he's so much more loving and nice. I don't get the game he's playing this time. He says he has to be all or nothing this time, when I will just be with him without marriage. It's hard when there's no one to talk to who understands or has dated a person with commitment phobia. I wish you could PM me. I completely understand what you are going through.
BlessYourCottonSocks Posted December 17, 2013 Posted December 17, 2013 It's so hard to not text. To try to get some reassurance from him. But I won't text him and instead ill just post here. Most disappointed in the person he is. Post here what you would say. Who cares what others thing. We are all strangers. I rather you say it here, then text it to him. That's progress anyhow. He can't give you the reassurance you need. Trust me, I want reassurance too, but you will find out the hard way that they can't provide that right now. Let him come to you. do you see a therapist?
Author belinda22 Posted December 17, 2013 Author Posted December 17, 2013 Yes- I see one weekly. Tomorrow will be my third session. It's so hard for me to focus on work or anything else. Anyway who hasn't dated a commitment phobe can't understand why we do this to ourselves. I can't understand it myself. Logically, I know I was awesome to him. He never had one complaint. In fact he admitted I was the best thing to ever happen to him. I know the first break up he did this exact same thing he said his feelings for me didn't outweigh his fears. This time (4 on and offs later) feels different. Like he had an epiphany that he was cycling. What I'd like to say to him is I realized I perpetuated the cycle as well as him. Each time I'd say I'm ok with not marrying or waiting until he's ready but what happens is things get super good with us then we both start talking about it again. So it's my fault too. So I feel bad about that. I do know I'd just be with him. Obviously the break up sucks but it also sucks that I can't believe the kind of person he's being. As you know, these cp's can be sooo loving. And then like this. It hurts. And it's maddening to not understand their thought process. This is the same man who cried and said he can't live without me and the same guy who told me to get rid of my deceased husbands sperm bc we would be trying for our own children. Socks- how long do I have to wait until I can pm?
Author belinda22 Posted December 17, 2013 Author Posted December 17, 2013 Socks-I must admit I'm so proud of you for walking out on him. You have the power. I wish I wouldn't have begged and plead w him. He certainly hasn't been perfect in the relationship and I certainly tried really really hard. But I'm the one rejected. It's dumb but I wish I had some Power like you do now. What did he say in his second message to you?
allcriedout1 Posted February 4, 2014 Posted February 4, 2014 I am in a similar situation as the two of you. Any updates on your situations? I keep breaking contact since mid Oct when he broke up with me. Its hard. Today is 7 days NC.
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