bobby326 Posted December 17, 2013 Posted December 17, 2013 Soooo, I'm almost 4 months post Breakup from a 4 1/2 year relationship that really messed me up, she broke my heart, destroyed my confidence, it came out of no where. I was very active sexually with my ex and before her i never had any issues. Recently I went on a few dates with this girl, I really like her and want to hang out with her more but I think I messed things up last Night. We got to the point where we were making out about to have sex and I got really nervous and kept worrying that I would not be able to "perform" and asked her if we could just mess around and wait to have sex. We did a little bit but it was obvious that she was not interested in just foreplay. I explained sounding like a non-confident wuss that I was nervous and it had been a long time and I want to get to know her more before going down that rd and i've had pregnancy scares in the past blah blah (making excuses) Shortly after I left her place. About 2 months ago when I got really drunk and hooked up with a friend I could not "perform" either, I've never had this problem, I suppose I've had issues in the past if I was sick or tired but now I'm thinking way Too much before it happens and it's killing me. I want to have sex, I want to be with other women but every time something happens like this it crushes my confidence and I worry it will happen again. Any advice would be much appreciated, I feel like I'm going to chase a lot of women away because of this issue. Thanks.
bmh Posted December 17, 2013 Posted December 17, 2013 The RIGHT girl will not be so easily chased away....it's the same for guys as it is women...if she cares enough she can wait till you are ready. 2
radiodarcy Posted December 17, 2013 Posted December 17, 2013 maybe you just need to hold off on sex altogether until more time has passed. after break up your emotions are too raw. and we all experience a drop in confidence and self-esteem. i know i did :/ for me it took about 18 months until i felt i was ready to have sex with someone else. of course i'm not saying you should wait that long. but if you're having issues now, it may mean that you're simply not ready and you need more time to heal from the pain of the rejection and loss of your last relationship. at this rate, trying to do what you're not ready to do is only going to make you feel worse 2
Haydn Posted December 17, 2013 Posted December 17, 2013 Yes this is a tricky one, i am in new relationship and we have made the beast with 2 backs! But i was comparing a lot. Somehow something was missing....i mean for me, (She was very happy) But in all seriousness it takes time to adjust again. I feel i entered into it too soon (No pun intended) But i am taking it really slow and getting to know what someone likes is nice.
FortunateSon Posted December 17, 2013 Posted December 17, 2013 Soooo, I'm almost 4 months post Breakup from a 4 1/2 year relationship that really messed me up, she broke my heart, destroyed my confidence, it came out of no where. I was very active sexually with my ex and before her i never had any issues. Recently I went on a few dates with this girl, I really like her and want to hang out with her more but I think I messed things up last Night. We got to the point where we were making out about to have sex and I got really nervous and kept worrying that I would not be able to "perform" and asked her if we could just mess around and wait to have sex. We did a little bit but it was obvious that she was not interested in just foreplay. I explained sounding like a non-confident wuss that I was nervous and it had been a long time and I want to get to know her more before going down that rd and i've had pregnancy scares in the past blah blah (making excuses) Shortly after I left her place. About 2 months ago when I got really drunk and hooked up with a friend I could not "perform" either, I've never had this problem, I suppose I've had issues in the past if I was sick or tired but now I'm thinking way Too much before it happens and it's killing me. I want to have sex, I want to be with other women but every time something happens like this it crushes my confidence and I worry it will happen again. Any advice would be much appreciated, I feel like I'm going to chase a lot of women away because of this issue. Thanks. I have experienced this after long term breaks up too. It just takes time, to heal and get through things. Don't put too much pressure on yourself. If your current partner can't accept what your going through, she is probably not the one for you. Communication is key. It is 6+ months since my BU of a 6 year RS, I been dating someone and have had similar issues to you, it has gotten better and it is nice to have a supportive partner. Things will get better, don't rush it if you are not ready!
Author bobby326 Posted December 17, 2013 Author Posted December 17, 2013 Yeah, I agree that maybe I need to hold off on the sex but that is exactly what I tried to do and I think it backfired and made me look strange and awkward. She was probably wondering what the big deal was but I didn't want to start and then not be able to and it be even more embarrassing. I sent her a message this morning trying to lighten things up not mentioning what happened and no response so she's prob ran for the hills. Just another crush to my confidence, this really sucks.....
radiodarcy Posted December 17, 2013 Posted December 17, 2013 Yeah, I agree that maybe I need to hold off on the sex but that is exactly what I tried to do and I think it backfired and made me look strange and awkward. She was probably wondering what the big deal was but I didn't want to start and then not be able to and it be even more embarrassing. I sent her a message this morning trying to lighten things up not mentioning what happened and no response so she's prob ran for the hills. Just another crush to my confidence, this really sucks..... i think the problem is the opposite of what you think it is: you didn't wait long enough. four months after a 4.5 year relationship that left you hurt and broken isn't nearly enough time to heal. And it's certainly isn't enough time to recoup your confidence from the break up. i know it probably seems like a long time given how often you and your ex were intimate. but those memories are still going to be fresh; having sex at this stage is only going to trigger those memories and bring you back to square one. Not to mention, it's probably reminding you of all the great sex you had with your ex and make you want to replicate that with someone else. But again, it's going to take time to build a connection with someone before you can get to that point....
Author bobby326 Posted December 17, 2013 Author Posted December 17, 2013 i think the problem is the opposite of what you think it is: you didn't wait long enough. four months after a 4.5 year relationship that left you hurt and broken isn't nearly enough time to heal. And it's certainly isn't enough time to recoup your confidence from the break up. i know it probably seems like a long time given how often you and your ex were intimate. but those memories are still going to be fresh; having sex at this stage is only going to trigger those memories and bring you back to square one. Not to mention, it's probably reminding you of all the great sex you had with your ex and make you want to replicate that with someone else. But again, it's going to take time to build a connection with someone before you can get to that point.... I know and your right, some days I feel I am completely over her others I don't. It's not that I want her back or still feel love for her but its just the emotional trauma I think from the breakup, it really ****ed me up, I really just want to be normal and confident again. I was doing online dating for a bit but I have canceled it, the girl I was with last night I met randomly at a bar so I really was not trying to seek out anything. I'm afraid though that if I purposely avoid dating women or meeting women because I need time to heal that I may miss out on someone great. I guess that if a girl is really worth it then she won't care about me having a few issues getting back on the horse in the bedroom, it's just really embarrassing and makes me feel inadequate, none of my friends have these issues, they can sleep with random people without any issues, I just don't feel normal......
radiodarcy Posted December 17, 2013 Posted December 17, 2013 I know and your right, some days I feel I am completely over her others I don't. It's not that I want her back or still feel love for her but its just the emotional trauma I think from the breakup, it really ****ed me up, I really just want to be normal and confident again. I was doing online dating for a bit but I have canceled it, the girl I was with last night I met randomly at a bar so I really was not trying to seek out anything. I'm afraid though that if I purposely avoid dating women or meeting women because I need time to heal that I may miss out on someone great. I guess that if a girl is really worth it then she won't care about me having a few issues getting back on the horse in the bedroom, it's just really embarrassing and makes me feel inadequate, none of my friends have these issues, they can sleep with random people without any issues, I just don't feel normal...... Trust me -- everything you're feeling is completely normal. we all go through the roller coaster of emotions. and as annoying as it is - - you need to go through that roller coaster in order to get back to the normal emotional baseline where you have you confidence back. coming here has definitely helped me purge those fluctuating emotions and it may help you too. will it speed up the process? not necessarily. but there are people here who are going through the same feelings you are - - so you won't feel as abnormal (even though you're not ) as if you were to keep everything to yourself or continue to vent to friends and family who may not be able to relate. i too had a fear of missing out on great guys and started dating right away. but the problem was, because my confidence and self-esteem was so low, i wasn't in a position to appreciate them. and that was because i really needed to work on myself. until i do that, it's not fair to the other person. sure you could get into a relationship with a wonderful woman. but if you haven't worked to repair the wounds of your last relationship, you're not going to be able to enjoy that relationship as much as you would like to.
Author bobby326 Posted December 17, 2013 Author Posted December 17, 2013 Trust me -- everything you're feeling is completely normal. we all go through the roller coaster of emotions. and as annoying as it is - - you need to go through that roller coaster in order to get back to the normal emotional baseline where you have you confidence back. coming here has definitely helped me purge those fluctuating emotions and it may help you too. will it speed up the process? not necessarily. but there are people here who are going through the same feelings you are - - so you won't feel as abnormal (even though you're not ) as if you were to keep everything to yourself or continue to vent to friends and family who may not be able to relate. i too had a fear of missing out on great guys and started dating right away. but the problem was, because my confidence and self-esteem was so low, i wasn't in a position to appreciate them. and that was because i really needed to work on myself. until i do that, it's not fair to the other person. sure you could get into a relationship with a wonderful woman. but if you haven't worked to repair the wounds of your last relationship, you're not going to be able to enjoy that relationship as much as you would like to. I really appreciate it. I guess it does make me feel better hearing everyone's experiences and realizing that it is normal but man is it embarrassing, I really do enjoy sex and want to experience it again, I guess I'm a bit more emotional than my friends. It sucks because every time something happens like this I'm afraid it will happen again and that in turn causes it to happen again, it's a circle. I guess I need to chill out, let things happen naturally and if a girl can't understand if I have a hiccup then she's simply not worth it, that girl actually ended up responding, I have no idea if we'll go out again but at least she hasn't blocked my # lol. I do need to focus on myself though, I can't argue that. 1
FortunateSon Posted December 17, 2013 Posted December 17, 2013 Right on, Bobby. It will come back again and you will feel comfortable again when you are ready. I understand the frustration, believe me, I have been there. It's important to not think of it as a race or competition, sometimes it is easy to get that idea caught up in your head. As for your friends, I have had friends who have dealt with the same issue and some who haven't. Depending on how emotional invested you were in the relationship, can depend on how long it takes to heal. As you stated, 4 months after a 4.5 year relationship is still early, healing from that will definitely not be "overnight"
radiodarcy Posted December 17, 2013 Posted December 17, 2013 I really appreciate it. I guess it does make me feel better hearing everyone's experiences and realizing that it is normal but man is it embarrassing, I really do enjoy sex and want to experience it again, I guess I'm a bit more emotional than my friends. It sucks because every time something happens like this I'm afraid it will happen again and that in turn causes it to happen again, it's a circle. I guess I need to chill out, let things happen naturally and if a girl can't understand if I have a hiccup then she's simply not worth it, that girl actually ended up responding, I have no idea if we'll go out again but at least she hasn't blocked my # lol. I do need to focus on myself though, I can't argue that. Anytime. Yea, unfortunately this isn't something that can't be rushed. Although I can remember saying to a friend I wish I could just hit the fast forward button and go back to feeling the way I did before I even met him. But had I not gone through the pain, I would have just gone from one bad relationship to the next and exposed myself to even more heartbreak. That being said there's no guarantee that my or your heart won't be broken again. But these moments can make us stronger and better able to cope with subsequent disappointments down the line. If you can - - try to let go of the embarrassment; there is no point in shaming yourself for feeling the way that you do. We all process break ups and loss differently. And as you've probably already seen from reading through the threads, you are are definitely not alone in feeling the way you do.
jimloveslips Posted December 17, 2013 Posted December 17, 2013 Yep, it happens. First time I went to make out with a new girl after break-up there was nothing there - and I mean absolutely nothing! Very embarrassing. Turns out this girl was a keeper, she was completely understanding, she took me out for a walk then when we came back she was a sex goddess, and we were great together for ten years or so - mother of my child. If she's any good (as a human being) she'll stick around.
Author bobby326 Posted December 17, 2013 Author Posted December 17, 2013 You guys are awesome, this thread already has made me feel a lot better. I felt like an idiot this morning and embarrassed, I do understand why I'm like that but it's hard to describe to this girl why I feel that way. Should I be completely up front and say it's because of the breakup, I was afraid to say those words in fear of scaring her away, she knows about the breakup so I'm sure she can Figure it out but just don't want her to think its her or I have a problem or something. Anyway I'm sure I'm over thinking this thing, thanks again guys.
jimloveslips Posted December 17, 2013 Posted December 17, 2013 it's hard... completely up front... Fixed already.
radiodarcy Posted December 18, 2013 Posted December 18, 2013 You guys are awesome, this thread already has made me feel a lot better. I felt like an idiot this morning and embarrassed, I do understand why I'm like that but it's hard to describe to this girl why I feel that way. Should I be completely up front and say it's because of the breakup, I was afraid to say those words in fear of scaring her away, she knows about the breakup so I'm sure she can Figure it out but just don't want her to think its her or I have a problem or something. Anyway I'm sure I'm over thinking this thing, thanks again guys. That's great! You'll still have your moments when you're feeling anything but great. But that's ok too. It's all part of the process. As for the girl, I agree with jimloveslips: it's best to be up front and explain the situation with her. It may be hard for you to explain why you feel the way you do, but once you tell her - - I'm sure she'll understand. After all we've all been there at one point or another. And she does at least know about the break up.
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