How do you get a guy to make you a priority?

[Emilia]

I think OP that you are not in a relationship and I would even hazard a guess that he knew sooner that he was moving further away than he told you. People jump into 'relationships' all the time. Hence my cautioning to look after your heart. He is a stranger who is moving away. Please don't allow yourself get caught up in something like this again. Give people time to prove that they want what you want before you embrace them so closely. Optimism is a great thing but you owe it to yourself to be more careful.

[MissBee]

Maybe he's not big into texting or he's busy? I think you're reading too much into it.

 

No. It's called being rude and less invested.

 

Even if I hated texting or I'm busy, if I like a man there is no way I am going to ignore his calls/messages or use I'm busy as an excuse. Who does that? It's very normal that when you're really into someone you often bend things for them and go out of your way for them.

 

In casual dating that person is often out of sight and out of mind.Which is how it seems for the OP...he is attentive when she is in sight and forgets her, ignores her calls etc when she isn't around. This sounds like a case of, I like you when I'm around you but I'm not that into you to return your phone calls etc when you're not around.

 

I've experienced it and have also done it myself. It's really simple. When I am VERY into a man, he need not ask that I prioritize him. I just do. I've also dated men who for me were out of sight out of mind. I liked them well enough and when they were around it was cool and we were affectionate etc. but then when they weren't around I didn't really spend much time thinking about them. I think we spend lots of times talking ourselves out of how we feel, the OP feels like a convenience to this man, there is something to it and she should listen to it instead of squinting and closing one eye trying to make excuses for why she feels this way. She has dated before and hasn't felt this way so this feeling is probably telling her that her level of value to this man isn't as she's used to/needs, which is okay. Not everyone you date will be on the same page as you and its best you find out early on and make decisions about it than making excuses for it and turning a blind eye hoping things will be different.

[lioness75]

I told you, there is no other answer or other way. I assure you I've tried everything but they can't change, even if they want to. As you said you put people first, he puts work first. His moving to a more distant town seems to be the cherry on the cake: if he is distant at 100kms, imagine how distant he will be at 200. Don't feel bad or think you did something wrong. It's rare to find a person who is like you and me. Keep searching or agree to compromise. I assure you with all my heart, there is no other solution. I have compromised but I don't regret it cause I knew that it is almost impossible to find a good guy who is also like me. But isn't life about compromises after all?

 

I know logically that is the answer, but i am having a hard time deciding to stay or to leave, mostly because he's so great when we are together.

He also seems to be very confident that the relationship will work out even if he moves and has even suggested for me to go spend more time with him there - in theory it is possible, my job allows it.

I dont think i am ready to give up yet.

[lioness75]

You are someone's priority or you're not, there's nothing you can do to make yourself their priority. It has to be totally authentic and from them.

 

I never get jealous in relationships but the situations in which I have felt insecure and jealous and antsy were when through the man's behavior I FELT and knew deep down he was not as invested as I was. There was nothing I could do about it. It seems the same is happening for you. You feel insecure because he is showing you you're a convenience and not his priority. You know that working isn't an excuse and you have other relationships to compare it to as well.....don't spend time figuring out how to "make" yourself his priority. That is already an imbalanced relationship where you're forcing him to feel and act in certain ways towards you...it won't work or if it does it won't last.

 

The truth is: if you're not a priority of his, that's how he feels, and all you can do is decide it doesn't work for you. You can share how you feel. See if things change, but I wouldn't suggest waiting around trying to stuff to "make" it happen. In the past with other men it naturally happened...that's how it should be. Even for yourself, think about it, when you're super into a guy (like you seem to be him) you make him your priority naturally. It's not anything you have to think about or anything he has to do to get you to...you just naturally want to see him, talk to him, prioritize him. If you're not into a man so much, it's totally different. It's the same thing he's exhibiting.

 

This is exactly how i feel.

[ExpatInItaly]

I know logically that is the answer, but i am having a hard time deciding to stay or to leave, mostly because he's so great when we are together.

He also seems to be very confident that the relationship will work out even if he moves and has even suggested for me to go spend more time with him there - in theory it is possible, my job allows it.

I dont think i am ready to give up yet.

 

At this point, I wouldn't put much stock into that comment from him. He is already a little MIA and you're feeling uncomfortable with that. It seems like he wants the perks that come with a relationship but isn't able to put in the time to give you what you'd like. He doesn't sound like a bad guy, but maybe not the most compatible one for you. Give it some time but discuss your concerns. That isn't being needy; it's just communication and assessing whether there's a future in this relationship

[Iguanna]

I'm thinking about this topic and I wanted to comment that sometimes it happens that these men who seem unapproachable and distant they meet a woman who is "colder" than them, they fall for her and she manipulates them and makes them change their attitude towards her. I mean, sometimes if a woman is distant herself and shows high self esteem and she seems that she doesn't need a man to feel completed, they find this type of woman intriguing and they tend to change only for her.

 

I'm not suggesting that the OP becomes like this. I'm just commenting on this possibility. Sometimes the more we show people we need them, the more they go away from us. That's why there is this saying "if you love someone, let them go; if they come back, they're yours. If not, they never were".

[RedRobin]

I know logically that is the answer, but i am having a hard time deciding to stay or to leave, mostly because he's so great when we are together.

He also seems to be very confident that the relationship will work out even if he moves and has even suggested for me to go spend more time with him there - in theory it is possible, my job allows it.

I dont think i am ready to give up yet.

 

no, no, no!! Why would you do that? The guy barely talks to you during the week, now he wants you to spend more time with him... um, where??

 

THERE!

 

This is so unbalanced. And, let me add, not very fulfilling to you, is it? How are you going to feel after he's used up all your time and he finds someone closer to home?

 

Here, you thought (hoped) you were investing and building something... and to him, you are this gal he sees on weekends and dribbles out just enough attention during the week to keep you on the hook.

 

Uh, uh.... not good.

[lioness75]

Update: EMILIA was right: i dont have a relationship.

I texted him last night asking if he is ok, no answer. Called this morning- no answer.

 

We have had a similar situation when he didnt answer calls/texts for 2 days and then i went to his house and acted like his a victim: apparently his iphone, ipad, macbook had been stolen when he visited a farm owned by the company he works for. Did everything he could to convince me everything was stolen and didnt know how to contact me. Then miraculously everything was found again. Seemed a little SF but i accepted it.

 

Now i saw he has even deleted me from skype.

 

Cant understand why someone would do this. I mean, you are unhappy for whatever reason, you dont want to be with that person anymore, fine, I get it. But why treat her nice and then just disappear?

[Emilia]

Update: EMILIA was right: i dont have a relationship.

I texted him last night asking if he is ok, no answer. Called this morning- no answer.

 

We have had a similar situation when he didnt answer calls/texts for 2 days and then i went to his house and acted like his a victim: apparently his iphone, ipad, macbook had been stolen when he visited a farm owned by the company he works for. Did everything he could to convince me everything was stolen and didnt know how to contact me. Then miraculously everything was found again. Seemed a little SF but i accepted it.

 

Now i saw he has even deleted me from skype.

Very sorry lioness. This is why you have to get to know someone before you invest so much. I know you want a good guy and a good relationship but you can't transform a guy into someone you want. He has to be right for you, you can't make him to be right for you.

Cant understand why someone would do this. I mean, you are unhappy for whatever reason, you dont want to be with that person anymore, fine, I get it. But why treat her nice and then just disappear?

My guess is that he saw you were so invested so quickly, he took the easier option (for him). The ipad/phone/etc disappearance should have been a clue. You shouldn't have gone to his house afterwards. You need to slow down.

[RedRobin]

Update: EMILIA was right: i dont have a relationship.

I texted him last night asking if he is ok, no answer. Called this morning- no answer.

 

We have had a similar situation when he didnt answer calls/texts for 2 days and then i went to his house and acted like his a victim: apparently his iphone, ipad, macbook had been stolen when he visited a farm owned by the company he works for. Did everything he could to convince me everything was stolen and didnt know how to contact me. Then miraculously everything was found again. Seemed a little SF but i accepted it.

 

Now i saw he has even deleted me from skype.

 

Cant understand why someone would do this. I mean, you are unhappy for whatever reason, you dont want to be with that person anymore, fine, I get it. But why treat her nice and then just disappear?

 

Very sorry this happened to you...

 

The answer to your question above is... because they can.

 

Please don't feel bad for trying to trust someone. He's the smuck, not you. However, also please know that you owe it to yourself to be more careful about whom you give your heart and time to. It was a big shock to me after my divorce... the cavalier way people treat others in the dating world. It only took me once to snap me into shape. Let this be your lesson and 'reminder' going forward.

 

You can have fun and get to know someone, but keep an close eye on his words and deeds. If they don't match, then eject.

[lioness75]

I was so invested so quick because he seemed to be the same and said he was the same. Until the iphone/ipad disappearance. Even then he insisted so much on the story, that i accepted the possibility that i might me wrong. He is generally a very serios person, but that doesn't men ****, as i can see.

 

And what upsets me is not the breakup, i would have been fine if he would have just told me straight what he wants. I had my own doubts about the relationship.

What upsets me is the lack of respect and the fact that he mocked me not once, but twice, the second time after i helped him through his sickness, found him a doctor, went to the hospital with him. Hell, i even brought him soup! Would it have been so difficult to treat me with respect?

[Emilia]

I was so invested so quick because he seemed to be the same and said he was the same. Until the iphone/ipad disappearance. Even then he insisted so much on the story, that i accepted the possibility that i might me wrong. He is generally a very serios person, but that doesn't men ****, as i can see.

 

And what upsets me is not the breakup, i would have been fine if he would have just told me straight what he wants. I had my own doubts about the relationship.

What upsets me is the lack of respect and the fact that he mocked me not once, but twice, the second time after i helped him through his sickness, found him a doctor, went to the hospital with him. Hell, i even brought him soup! Would it have been so difficult to treat me with respect?

I don't mean to make your hurt worse but you are contradicting yourself. He seemed to be the same yet he mocked you? It seems to me that you ignored red flags in order to make it work.

 

I'm not trying to catch you out, what I'm trying to say is that you can't make assumptions about a complete stranger, you mustn't be blinded by the very early stages. Half the time people aren't even malicious or try to trick you, they are just naturally on their best behaviour to try to get you to like them. A lot of people have very little self-awareness, they don't even realise how important it is to be consistent.

 

You have to get to know someone's character and how they are with you when you go out of your way to help them out (your visit) is a good indicator of what kind of person they really are.

[Leigh 87]

Guys often keep girls around when they are not that into them so they can use them for sex and company until they get bored or someone better comes along.

 

If a guy doesn't want to date you seriously he may still keep you around.

 

It is not always the case of when a man doesn't really fancy you , he tells you he isn't feeling it and wants to end things with you...

 

No.. men often do keep these women they don't really like all that much around. ..

 

 

As long as he is attracted enough to you to enjoy sex with you and he can stand being around you long enough to do the deed... you can bet that he may keep you around, knowing full well that he doesn't want a relationship with you.

[Leigh 87]

I had two guys be soo nice to me only to dissappear.

 

The last guy made up that he went to hospital. He was unwell.

 

Guys would rather make things up than simply say that they aren't that into you.

 

And I also suspect my ex played the I am unwell I'm in hospital card because we had INSANE, off the charts sexual chemistry and he wanted to use me for sex.

 

He probably figured he would have less of a chance of getting sex from a slim blonde in her 20s if he was , umm geez... nice to her???!

 

If they told us that they didn't really fancy us but they wanted sex , we wouldn't have obliged. So they lie.

[jphcbpa]

sorry for your pain, but at least now you know that your gut was right. just know that this is his stuff and not yours. he was this way before you meet.

 

have your feelings, but do not blame or shame yourself.

 

better to know now than any further down this road.

[winny]

Well I have not read all the pages of discussion.

I would say, you cannot get someone to make you their priority

They have to do it themselves on their own.

 

For this guy you are not a priority. He likes you but not that much that he fears losing you. And in 2 months he is like this, how will he be in 6 months?

 

I completely get how anxious you must feel when you have not heard from him and how you think you may seem needy if you ask him to call you and stuff.

 

What I have realized if a guy really really likes you, there would never be any moment when you will doubt whether he is into you or not.

 

And I agree with Leigh's points above.

 

At this time my suggestion is, you also make him less of a priority in your life.

Meet other men.

[MissBee]

Update: EMILIA was right: i dont have a relationship.

I texted him last night asking if he is ok, no answer. Called this morning- no answer.

 

We have had a similar situation when he didnt answer calls/texts for 2 days and then i went to his house and acted like his a victim: apparently his iphone, ipad, macbook had been stolen when he visited a farm owned by the company he works for. Did everything he could to convince me everything was stolen and didnt know how to contact me. Then miraculously everything was found again. Seemed a little SF but i accepted it.

 

Now i saw he has even deleted me from skype.

 

Cant understand why someone would do this. I mean, you are unhappy for whatever reason, you dont want to be with that person anymore, fine, I get it. But why treat her nice and then just disappear?

 

Hi Lioness,

 

I'm sorry about all of that. Unfortunately, this is more common than anyone would like. Lots of people are this way. They are conflict avoidant and instead of firmly and gently turning you down will continue to hang out with you, have sex and then dodge you, lie and disappear.

 

I agreed with Emilia and I think dating is a discovery phase but sometimes women esp seem to get carried away and make it a relationship without taking the time to really pay attention to where things stand. The good thing is that you didn't invest that much time into this man.

 

In the future though, I think you should pay attention to your feelings. If something feels wrong or you have to ask too many questions and second guess, chances are something IS wrong! Usually when you are on the same page with a man and things are going well there is no need to do that. When you are insecure, need to figure out how to be his priority, he constantly makes excuses etc. don't bother to waste time giving the benefit of the doubt, assume he's up to bullshyt until proven otherwise, as often times that's the case. As others have said, and as you've experienced before I'm sure, when a man is genuinely on the same page as you and is into you, you DON'T have to ask. It is very apparent.

Edited December 18, 2013 by MissBee

[mortensorchid]

LDRs do not work out, I have been in two in my lifetime. The first one was a whiny, insecure man who never lifted a finger and expected me to do everything (ex. travel) as well as do the breaking up with him (which I wouldn't and he had to via email I might add). The second one was a better one, we did it the right way. If you're not seeing each other at least once a month you tend to do a lot of fantasizing, and then when you are together you end up getting into this whirlwind of activity. In the end that whirlwind ends up feeding the fantasy even further and hurts it. And we did all that the right way, seeing each other once a month and alternating. He turned out to be an abusive monster, he broke it off because he didn't want me to move and give up everything in my city.

 

 

LDRs are bad things for a variety of reasons, and this is no exception.

[MissBee]

LDRs do not work out, I have been in two in my lifetime. The first one was a whiny, insecure man who never lifted a finger and expected me to do everything (ex. travel) as well as do the breaking up with him (which I wouldn't and he had to via email I might add). The second one was a better one, we did it the right way. If you're not seeing each other at least once a month you tend to do a lot of fantasizing, and then when you are together you end up getting into this whirlwind of activity. In the end that whirlwind ends up feeding the fantasy even further and hurts it. And we did all that the right way, seeing each other once a month and alternating. He turned out to be an abusive monster, he broke it off because he didn't want me to move and give up everything in my city.

 

 

LDRs are bad things for a variety of reasons, and this is no exception.

 

This man just wasn't into her...that's the actual problem. Not the LDR part. Although I agree about the fantasy whirlwind, which can happen in LDRs, affairs, etc.

 

When you're in an LDR with someone who is actually really into you, it doesn't at all look like this.

 

I've done it, other people have, and this situation just looks like a regular case of he's not that into you, whether near or far, when a man isn't into you he will behave like this.

[winny]

OMG I read most of the comments and I am sorry for what you are going thru.

I am also in similar situation. Guy told me he was so much into me and all the sweet stuff. Was so nice and caring towards me and all. Then without warning he disappeared. Came back and then disappeared again.

No explanation. No answer to texts or calls.

I have left it there.....

 

And he also made stories about phone not working... all kinds of excuses...

 

This is how some guys are.

They tell you that they like you and want you and then when you start trusting them they leave you without any concern about how hurt you might be.

 

Why they do this, I don't know.

 

But you know what, he has done you good by disappearing like this.

You have amazing qualities and a man who has equal amazing qualities deserves you. Not this guy. He is a loser for not being able to appreciate you.

So believe in yourself and don't give a damn about him.

I am myself on this path and am slowly starting to talk to other guys. It's been tough but its a start.

I have decided never to waste time on any guy who confuses me or makes me feel like am an option to him. However much sweet or caring he might be intermittently. That's not who he really is.

 

And next time put only as much effort the guy is putting. If you start feeling he is pulling back, you do the disappearing act

 

Good Luck.

[winny]

I was so invested so quick because he seemed to be the same and said he was the same. Until the iphone/ipad disappearance. Even then he insisted so much on the story, that i accepted the possibility that i might me wrong. He is generally a very serios person, but that doesn't men ****, as i can see.

 

And what upsets me is not the breakup, i would have been fine if he would have just told me straight what he wants. I had my own doubts about the relationship.

What upsets me is the lack of respect and the fact that he mocked me not once, but twice, the second time after i helped him through his sickness, found him a doctor, went to the hospital with him. Hell, i even brought him soup! Would it have been so difficult to treat me with respect?

 

If he had that much of a caring heart, do you think he would have ignored and broken up with you?

You are expecting too much from him. He doesn't possess these qualities :-)

[SunnySide0418]

how do you get to know the person if you only see each other 2 times per week and you dont talk so much on the phone? when do you know it is time for you to invest?

 

I mean, i already had to invest time and energy as it would not have worked otherwise. I might have done too much, yes, but it felt as the right thing to do at the time. Am i unreasonable to expect some effort from him?

 

This would totally not work for me. I would eventually not be able to enjoy our time together knowing there would be such minimal contact once we part ways. He treats you this way because you allow him to. I think it's unacceptable and i think you need to ask for what you want and if he doesn't deliver than you have no choice but to move on. When someone really really cares for someonew they want to find out how they are and how their day is. Is it possible he is seeing someone else? This does not sound like a man in "like".

[lioness75]

OMG I read most of the comments and I am sorry for what you are going thru.

I am also in similar situation. Guy told me he was so much into me and all the sweet stuff. Was so nice and caring towards me and all. Then without warning he disappeared. Came back and then disappeared again.

No explanation. No answer to texts or calls.

I have left it there.....

 

And he also made stories about phone not working... all kinds of excuses...

 

This is how some guys are.

They tell you that they like you and want you and then when you start trusting them they leave you without any concern about how hurt you might be.

 

Why they do this, I don't know.

 

But you know what, he has done you good by disappearing like this.

You have amazing qualities and a man who has equal amazing qualities deserves you. Not this guy. He is a loser for not being able to appreciate you.

So believe in yourself and don't give a damn about him.

I am myself on this path and am slowly starting to talk to other guys. It's been tough but its a start.

I have decided never to waste time on any guy who confuses me or makes me feel like am an option to him. However much sweet or caring he might be intermittently. That's not who he really is.

 

And next time put only as much effort the guy is putting. If you start feeling he is pulling back, you do the disappearing act

 

Good Luck.

 

It really puzzles me when i find out that people disappear like this. I mean, i read about it but it never happened to me.

 

Also, i am a very straightforward person and I never just disappear. There have been guys i havent been that much into, so i just let them know. I do not feel it is right to lead them on, tell them nice things, assure them there is nothing wrong and then just disappear. Why hurt people? I cant do that.

 

I understand the idea of non-conflictual people, but I guess i expected too much of him: to be a man, not a coward! He was probably avoiding conflict and an open breakup so that the next time he felt like seeing me, he would have more chances. If it worked the first time, why not a second time?

 

Anyway, i want to thank you all for the good advice, it has been really helpful.

[Iguanna]

People worship honesty and they search for it like crazy, but when it comes to the point when they have to be honest themselves, they get scared or careless "who cares if I am honest to X, I don't care for them anyway and I'm never gonna see them again, let them take the hint". This situation is really hurtful cause not only have you given a part of your heart and time to this person and you didn't receive anything as a thank you, but he has betrayed you in a bad way by letting you wonder and maybe worry that something serious is the matter sometimes, while what really happens is, they're just not into you, they have gone back to their ex, they wanted you only for sex, and dozens of other reasons which you will never know.

 

I've tried in my life not to do this. It's a game I hate. I can be brutally honest and I won't change cause I'm scared to be hurt once more. Only by getting hurt will you eventually find someone who is worth it. Don't lock your heart, don't lose your hope. There are many people who will act like this, but this doesn't mean we have to change our whole personality and soul for them.

[writergal]

To answer your thread title's question:

 

You can't force a guy to make you priority. Well, you can't force anyone to make you a priority.

 

You either are a priority in their life, or you're not.

 

He never made you a priority and that's unfortunate because you were obviously really interested in him.

 

Not all men are like that, so keep the faith. Just don't put yourself in this situation again. If you sense things are off, don't hesitate to do something about it. Don't play head games. Don't psychoanalyze. Don't mind-read. Don't try to predict what he'll do or say or what his intentions may be. Instead, be honest and expect the same from him. If he can't be honest with you -- if you sense he's not being honest based on his actions not syncing with his words, then you need to end contact and leave that relationship behind.