How do you get a guy to make you a priority?

[Emilia]

Maybe the real issue OP is that you are not likely to see each other more frequently longer term?

[lioness75]

I understand the daily contact, I prefer that too.

 

But I've said it before - try to discourage patterns, eg EVERY morning, or EVERY goodnight. Because then you really miss it when they can't do it, or switch to different times.

 

yes, patterns are very bad. I have never asked for that morning text, he just sent it to me for 4 weeks and when he stopped it was shocking, like i had been taken off a drug or something

[Iguanna]

The story if my life... My experience has shown me that there is nothing we can do when a person is like this. There are some people like you and me who want to be close to their partner and have them as priority in their lives. There are other people (which is the majority) for whom a relationship is just one part of their lives and they give it a part of their time and attention. None of the two categories can change. Oh have I tried it. Have I begged, have I shouted, have I cried, have I explained... Nothing changes cause at the end of the day they can't understand me and you. Even when you explain it to them they will just think you are psycho and you whine a lot for no reason. This man seems to put work first, this doesn't mean he doesn't care for you, but this is all he can give you: his attention on weekends (if you are lucky). This won't change even if you get married, I bet it won't. In my cases I wasn't happy. I could understand in my mind that what the other person wanted was logical, but I was still unhappy in my heart. The only solution is, either you accept it and compromise either you leave him now before you get more attached to him. I would normally suggest to talk to him but I've been there and talking won't make them change cause that's how they are. It's like saying to a kid "chocolate is not good so, not only should you not eat it, but you shouldn't even like it". They can't help it. They may know this is a bad thing, but they can't change their instincts.

[lioness75]

Maybe the real issue OP is that you are not likely to see each other more frequently longer term?

 

odds are we wont see eachother more frequently due to our jobs.

 

the real issue is that i do not see the same effort from his part. i mean, when i decided to go to him because he was very sick, i just cancelled my meetings and went. he didnt insist for me to do it, i did it because i wanted to.

so yes, i would expect him to have one minute for me even if he has 1000 things to to at work.

[ponchsox]

The story if my life... My experience has shown me that there is nothing we can do when a person is like this. There are some people like you and me who want to be close to their partner and have them as priority in their lives. There are other people (which is the majority) for whom a relationship is just one part of their lives and they give it a part of their time and attention. None of the two categories can change. Oh have I tried it. Have I begged, have I shouted, have I cried, have I explained... Nothing changes cause at the end of the day they can't understand me and you. Even when you explain it to them they will just think you are psycho and you whine a lot for no reason. This man seems to put work first, this doesn't mean he doesn't care for you, but this is all he can give you: his attention on weekends (if you are lucky). This won't change even if you get married, I bet it won't. In my cases I wasn't happy. I could understand in my mind that what the other person wanted was logical, but I was still unhappy in my heart. The only solution is, either you accept it and compromise either you leave him now before you get more attached to him. I would normally suggest to talk to him but I've been there and talking won't make them change cause that's how they are. It's like saying to a kid "chocolate is not good so, not only should you not eat it, but you shouldn't even like it". They can't help it. They may know this is a bad thing, but they can't change their instincts.

 

This is great advise. Perhaps this is a bigger issue for the OP. I just ended a 1.5 year relationship with my GF because she was a single mom and couldn't make us a priority, or even 2nd in her life. Not that I expected to be first, but we just didn't have enough time together. We had maybe 3 hours a week, tops. Even if we got married, it would be the same thing. We would basically be two people living under the same roof and having sex once in a while. This is not what I want in a marriage.

[Emilia]

odds are we wont see eachother more frequently due to our jobs.

 

the real issue is that i do not see the same effort from his part. i mean, when i decided to go to him because he was very sick, i just cancelled my meetings and went. he didnt insist for me to do it, i did it because i wanted to.

so yes, i would expect him to have one minute for me even if he has 1000 things to to at work.

There seems to be an imbalance here OP. You are putting a lot of work into something that's only 2 months old (you are both practically still strangers) and may not potentially go anywhere.

[lioness75]

The story if my life... My experience has shown me that there is nothing we can do when a person is like this. There are some people like you and me who want to be close to their partner and have them as priority in their lives. There are other people (which is the majority) for whom a relationship is just one part of their lives and they give it a part of their time and attention. None of the two categories can change. Oh have I tried it. Have I begged, have I shouted, have I cried, have I explained... Nothing changes cause at the end of the day they can't understand me and you. Even when you explain it to them they will just think you are psycho and you whine a lot for no reason. This man seems to put work first, this doesn't mean he doesn't care for you, but this is all he can give you: his attention on weekends (if you are lucky). This won't change even if you get married, I bet it won't. In my cases I wasn't happy. I could understand in my mind that what the other person wanted was logical, but I was still unhappy in my heart. The only solution is, either you accept it and compromise either you leave him now before you get more attached to him. I would normally suggest to talk to him but I've been there and talking won't make them change cause that's how they are. It's like saying to a kid "chocolate is not good so, not only should you not eat it, but you shouldn't even like it". They can't help it. They may know this is a bad thing, but they can't change their instincts.

 

This is exactly how i feel: i can understand he is busy and his work is very important to him but i am still unhappy. i feel like i'm not special enough for him. especially since in the first month he used to contact me more often between dates.

 

I also feel that talking to him about this will make me seem needy, as i could see that for him there is no problem, in his opinion i should be just fine, nothing is wrong.

I really dont know what to do as i really like this guy and he has surprised me many times in good ways. Dont know if i can accept things exactly the way they are though.

[lioness75]

There seems to be an imbalance here OP. You are putting a lot of work into something that's only 2 months old (you are both practically still strangers) and may not potentially go anywhere.

 

You are right. i need to slow down. he will be away for 2 weeks so i think that will help.

[soccerrprp]

I feel great! All the time we spent together ever since we met has been great!

 

But we dont see eachother during the week, so am i expected not to talk to him at all? and even if i initiate the text and he does not answer or answers very briefly that does not make it any better.

 

My gf and I communicate daily. Whether it's a text or a conversation over phone. We always respond in a timely fashion. Priorities. I would thank it was crazy not to communicate during the week. I mean, we're busy too, but no way there isn't time for some quick texts at least.

[jphcbpa]

still very early in the R. give it time and let the dust settle a little more. as long as he is calling back, texting back, making dates and going on dates, then you are still moving forward.

 

my advice is to keep being you and to keep asking yourself questions, ask others advice like you are doing here. do not make this about him. take this as a growing experience to learn about you.

 

what are your and his patterns in previous Rs?

 

have you always been more "anxious" in Rs?

 

has he always been more the "avoidant" in Rs?

 

 

I would suggest doing some writing. Write out your feelings. feel them, process them and know it is okay to have them. You do not need to make your feelings about him.

[Iguanna]

There seems to be an imbalance here OP. You are putting a lot of work into something that's only 2 months old (you are both practically still strangers) and may not potentially go anywhere.

 

Emilia you know how much respect I have for you (or you find out now ) but I disagree here. I personally would not even start a relationship if I wouldn't have enough certainty that it would go somewhere (and with "somewhere" I don't mean marriage and kids but at least for him to take me seriously and respect me). The effort I put in this relationship starts on day 1. I'm not expecting for like 6 months to pass and then wake up one day and decide "yeah 6 months have passed, NOW I can put some effort in this relationship". To be honest the first months with my bf were the ones that we discussed the most cause we were trying to know and understand each other. We were meeting every day after work, we had like 6 hours sleep every night but we wanted to be together badly. If I had seen that he is not that interested to give me the time and the attention I wanted, I would pretty much leave him cause I've come to know in life that people who don't seem interested in you from the start, they will never be later.

 

OP it seems things are good. Forget about this incident and start fresh with this guy. Good luck

[Emilia]

Emilia you know how much respect I have for you (or you find out now ) but I disagree here. I personally would not even start a relationship if I wouldn't have enough certainty that it would go somewhere (and with "somewhere" I don't mean marriage and kids but at least for him to take me seriously and respect me).

You don't have to agree with me at all, this is a discussion board.

 

The OP and the guy live in different cities and I asked her whether it was likely that they would meet up more frequently. She said no. In my experience people go through this level of anxiety early on when they have doubts over the relationship. People also put less effort in when they are not sure it will go anywhere. That might be his reason?

The effort I put in this relationship starts on day 1. I'm not expecting for like 6 months to pass and then wake up one day and decide "yeah 6 months have passed, NOW I can put some effort in this relationship". To be honest the first months with my bf were the ones that we discussed the most cause we were trying to know and understand each other. We were meeting every day after work, we had like 6 hours sleep every night but we wanted to be together badly. If I had seen that he is not that interested to give me the time and the attention I wanted, I would pretty much leave him cause I've come to know in life that people who don't seem interested in you from the start, they will never be later.

 

OP it seems things are good. Forget about this incident and start fresh with this guy. Good luck

When you date strangers, you should take care of your heart. You owe it to yourself to get to know the other person first before you invest so much.

[xxoo]

I also feel that talking to him about this will make me seem needy, as i could see that for him there is no problem, in his opinion i should be just fine, nothing is wrong.

 

Why are you concerned about seeming needy? It's about compatible needs, not judging whose needs are correct.

 

It's ok to give it some time and see how things play out. Time reveals truth. But be careful about hiding your own needs because you don't want to be seen as needy. That's false advertising. And if you feel confident about who you are and what you need, you won't worry about how you "seem" to anyone else.

[lioness75]

 

When you date strangers, you should take care of your heart. You owe it to yourself to get to know the other person first before you invest so much.

 

how do you get to know the person if you only see each other 2 times per week and you dont talk so much on the phone? when do you know it is time for you to invest?

 

I mean, i already had to invest time and energy as it would not have worked otherwise. I might have done too much, yes, but it felt as the right thing to do at the time. Am i unreasonable to expect some effort from him?

[d0nnivain]

Workaholic men know how to prioritize & go after what they want.

 

 

Your initial Q is how do you get him to make you a priority. The answer is you don't. he has to make that decision & he's not making it the way you want. You now have to decide if you want to put up with it.

 

 

You apparently get his full attention when you are together but think he forgets about you when you are apart. I doubt he forgets but you just aren't as important to him as he is to you. If that bugs you, find another guy. If you can deal with it, be happy about the time when you have his full attention. Celebrate what you do have rather than complain about what you don't

[Emilia]

how do you get to know the person if you only see each other 2 times per week and you dont talk so much on the phone? when do you know it is time for you to invest?

 

I mean, i already had to invest time and energy as it would not have worked otherwise. I might have done too much, yes, but it felt as the right thing to do at the time. Am i unreasonable to expect some effort from him?

I don't know how far you live from each other and what your long term plans are. Do you think this will go anywhere? I'm thinking you will be bored of the 2 days/week thing in a few months?

[xxoo]

how do you get to know the person if you only see each other 2 times per week and you dont talk so much on the phone? when do you know it is time for you to invest?

 

I mean, i already had to invest time and energy as it would not have worked otherwise. I might have done too much, yes, but it felt as the right thing to do at the time. Am i unreasonable to expect some effort from him?

 

IMO, relationships should move steadily forward. It sounds like he started out of the gate too fast, and now is backing up. That's why it's bad to rush things in the beginning. Yes, all relationships "settle in" over time, but not this fast. At two months, interest and contact should be increasing.

 

You should trust what you are seeing now, vs. what you saw then, as his truer self.

[lioness75]

Why are you concerned about seeming needy? It's about compatible needs, not judging whose needs are correct.

 

It's ok to give it some time and see how things play out. Time reveals truth. But be careful about hiding your own needs because you don't want to be seen as needy. That's false advertising. And if you feel confident about who you are and what you need, you won't worry about how you "seem" to anyone else.

 

you know, it is a new relationship...he is very cool and he never complains about anything, i seem to be the only one who keeps having issues. And i think this comes from different priorities: his priority is his work, mine is the people i care for. when it was necessary i just rearranged my work schedule, postponed 2 meetings, got my laptop and worked from his place, just to make sure that he is OK. went to the hospital with him to get the antibiotics shots, etc. maybe it was too much too soon, but it seemed like the right thing.

[lioness75]

I don't know how far you live from each other and what your long term plans are. Do you think this will go anywhere? I'm thinking you will be bored of the 2 days/week thing in a few months?

 

we live 100km from eachother, that's one hour on the highway, not so bad.

when we first met he had plans to move with his job to my city, so we kind of assumed that the long distance thing was going to be temporary, but now it looks like he will be relocated to another city, 200km away.

[Emilia]

we live 100km from eachother, that's one hour on the highway, not so bad.

when we first met he had plans to move with his job to my city, so we kind of assumed that the long distance thing was going to be temporary, but now it looks like he will be relocated to another city, 200km away.

So I gather this is the answer to all your questions. Unless you want to be in an LDR. Which is a different conversation between the two of you.

[lioness75]

IMO, relationships should move steadily forward. It sounds like he started out of the gate too fast, and now is backing up. That's why it's bad to rush things in the beginning. Yes, all relationships "settle in" over time, but not this fast. At two months, interest and contact should be increasing.

 

You should trust what you are seeing now, vs. what you saw then, as his truer self.

 

yes, i did feel that he started out too fast. even before i had decided whether i want to be in a relationship with him, he had already made it clear he wants me. and also, i do feel sometimes that he is backing up, but only in between dates, when we meet everything is perfect, i cant complain about anything.

[lioness75]

Workaholic men know how to prioritize & go after what they want.

 

 

Your initial Q is how do you get him to make you a priority. The answer is you don't. he has to make that decision & he's not making it the way you want. You now have to decide if you want to put up with it.

 

 

You apparently get his full attention when you are together but think he forgets about you when you are apart. I doubt he forgets but you just aren't as important to him as he is to you. If that bugs you, find another guy. If you can deal with it, be happy about the time when you have his full attention. Celebrate what you do have rather than complain about what you don't

 

Unfortunately, i think that you are right. I was hoping to find other answers where there are none. thank you.

[d0nnivain]

you know, it is a new relationship...he is very cool and he never complains about anything, i seem to be the only one who keeps having issues. And i think this comes from different priorities: his priority is his work, mine is the people i care for. when it was necessary i just rearranged my work schedule, postponed 2 meetings, got my laptop and worked from his place, just to make sure that he is OK. went to the hospital with him to get the antibiotics shots, etc. maybe it was too much too soon, but it seemed like the right thing.

 

 

I'm a people person too. I'd do what you did but I realized a long time ago, most people won't do that for me. Some times that gets me down but it's the way things are.

[Iguanna]

Unfortunately, i think that you are right. I was hoping to find other answers where there are none. thank you.

 

I told you, there is no other answer or other way. I assure you I've tried everything but they can't change, even if they want to. As you said you put people first, he puts work first. His moving to a more distant town seems to be the cherry on the cake: if he is distant at 100kms, imagine how distant he will be at 200. Don't feel bad or think you did something wrong. It's rare to find a person who is like you and me. Keep searching or agree to compromise. I assure you with all my heart, there is no other solution. I have compromised but I don't regret it cause I knew that it is almost impossible to find a good guy who is also like me. But isn't life about compromises after all?

[MissBee]

So, I have been dating a 45 yo guy ( i'm 36) for 2 months now. we live in different cities and we see eachother on avg 2 times per week. Every time we meet is just perfect, he makes me feel like i'm the only girl in the world. He has been very clear from the beginning that he wants a serious relationship with me.

There is absolutely no indication that he is not into me.

 

However, when we are apart he sometimes seems to forget that i exist. In the first 3-4 weeks he would text me everyday, nice stuff life "i'm thinking about you", "cant wait to see you again", a good morning text each morning etc, but he would not call me unless i asked him to. After the first time we had sex, all that changed. He still texts me, even though no so much, but he started to call me & skype me.

 

Given the fact that we do not see each other that much, i like to be in contact with him every day. The problem is that whenever he "forgets" about me, he makes me feel needy and insecure. i immediately think something is wrong. This is due to the fact that in all my previous relationships i would have daily calls and texts from my bf.

 

He is an workoholic, but i do not believe that this should be an excuse not to contact someone. After all a text takes only 1 minute. I have a busy life as well and i still managed to make time for him. I recently went to see him on a working day because he had an infection and high fever. So i made him a priority.

 

My question is: how do you become someone's priority? In the past i never had this problem, but now i feel more like a convenience than a priority. It's like i'm the weekend girlfriend and that's it. He seems to be wired that way in the sense that he is not even contacting his children every day ( they live in another city).

 

I also feel disappointed that he does not feel like calling me, texting me. It seems weird for me to have to ask for these things.

 

I have read in some other posts that there are people who hate being in daily contact with the person they are dating. For me it's a way to stay close, i cant ignore someone 2 days and then pick up where we left off, i am just not comfortable with it and it makes me withdraw and take a step back.

 

what can be done in this situation?

 

thank you in advance.

 

 

You are someone's priority or you're not, there's nothing you can do to make yourself their priority. It has to be totally authentic and from them.

 

I never get jealous in relationships but the situations in which I have felt insecure and jealous and antsy were when through the man's behavior I FELT and knew deep down he was not as invested as I was. There was nothing I could do about it. It seems the same is happening for you. You feel insecure because he is showing you you're a convenience and not his priority. You know that working isn't an excuse and you have other relationships to compare it to as well.....don't spend time figuring out how to "make" yourself his priority. That is already an imbalanced relationship where you're forcing him to feel and act in certain ways towards you...it won't work or if it does it won't last.

 

The truth is: if you're not a priority of his, that's how he feels, and all you can do is decide it doesn't work for you. You can share how you feel. See if things change, but I wouldn't suggest waiting around trying to stuff to "make" it happen. In the past with other men it naturally happened...that's how it should be. Even for yourself, think about it, when you're super into a guy (like you seem to be him) you make him your priority naturally. It's not anything you have to think about or anything he has to do to get you to...you just naturally want to see him, talk to him, prioritize him. If you're not into a man so much, it's totally different. It's the same thing he's exhibiting.