How do you get a guy to make you a priority?

[lioness75]

So, I have been dating a 45 yo guy ( i'm 36) for 2 months now. we live in different cities and we see eachother on avg 2 times per week. Every time we meet is just perfect, he makes me feel like i'm the only girl in the world. He has been very clear from the beginning that he wants a serious relationship with me.

There is absolutely no indication that he is not into me.

 

However, when we are apart he sometimes seems to forget that i exist. In the first 3-4 weeks he would text me everyday, nice stuff life "i'm thinking about you", "cant wait to see you again", a good morning text each morning etc, but he would not call me unless i asked him to. After the first time we had sex, all that changed. He still texts me, even though no so much, but he started to call me & skype me.

 

Given the fact that we do not see each other that much, i like to be in contact with him every day. The problem is that whenever he "forgets" about me, he makes me feel needy and insecure. i immediately think something is wrong. This is due to the fact that in all my previous relationships i would have daily calls and texts from my bf.

 

He is an workoholic, but i do not believe that this should be an excuse not to contact someone. After all a text takes only 1 minute. I have a busy life as well and i still managed to make time for him. I recently went to see him on a working day because he had an infection and high fever. So i made him a priority.

 

My question is: how do you become someone's priority? In the past i never had this problem, but now i feel more like a convenience than a priority. It's like i'm the weekend girlfriend and that's it. He seems to be wired that way in the sense that he is not even contacting his children every day ( they live in another city).

 

I also feel disappointed that he does not feel like calling me, texting me. It seems weird for me to have to ask for these things.

 

I have read in some other posts that there are people who hate being in daily contact with the person they are dating. For me it's a way to stay close, i cant ignore someone 2 days and then pick up where we left off, i am just not comfortable with it and it makes me withdraw and take a step back.

 

what can be done in this situation?

 

thank you in advance.

[ascendotum]

Its quite likely that a lot of guys at 45 are not going to be the lovey dovey type they might have been when younger. Times that by 2 if they are now workaholics. You are competing with his career, and during a work day that's going to be his main focus and he could be knackered when he gets home. While you say a txt only takes a minute to send, a token 'morning babe' text is really also not a lot to turn a weekend only relationship into something so much more special. I can totally understand it would be nice to hear from the most special person in your life, but some people (more so guys) just don't need that constant communication. Talking about trivial stuff just for the sake of it when they know they will see you in a few days and can devote their full attention then. They wont feel feel needy and insecure or think there is something wrong if they don't here from you for a day or two, so we don't think in the same way you do. He still txts but less. He calls & skypes. (though later on you say he doesn't?) I think you are anxious because he is doing something different from what you are used to.

 

I would be inclined to say the best way to make someone make you a priority is for them to feel they might lose you. Making yourself less available does tend to prick the other person into appreciating what they have, but usually only if there has been an imbalance in the effort from one of the partners. In your case I would not say that would apply. My guess is you not sending him a daily txt wont prompt him to worry about you and to start texting more. If a person is not really in love then its going to be really hard to get them to make you a priority, but people show their love in different ways and have different styles of communication, but that does not mean they don't love their partner.

 

Have you communicated your insecurities regarding daily communication to him?

If you explained how its makes you feel more special and it means a lot to you then he might be more inclined than if you said you expect it, or all my past bfs would not do this or you are making me insecure. Try phrase it so it does not seem like an obligation otherwise its less meaningful. You can send him a txt everyday if you wish to prompt a reply. You don't have to leave it all for him to initiate.

[ExpatInItaly]

So, I have been dating a 45 yo guy ( i'm 36) for 2 months now. we live in different cities and we see eachother on avg 2 times per week. Every time we meet is just perfect, he makes me feel like i'm the only girl in the world. He has been very clear from the beginning that he wants a serious relationship with me.

There is absolutely no indication that he is not into me.

 

However, when we are apart he sometimes seems to forget that i exist. In the first 3-4 weeks he would text me everyday, nice stuff life "i'm thinking about you", "cant wait to see you again", a good morning text each morning etc, but he would not call me unless i asked him to. After the first time we had sex, all that changed. He still texts me, even though no so much, but he started to call me & skype me.

 

Given the fact that we do not see each other that much, i like to be in contact with him every day. The problem is that whenever he "forgets" about me, he makes me feel needy and insecure. i immediately think something is wrong. This is due to the fact that in all my previous relationships i would have daily calls and texts from my bf.

 

He is an workoholic, but i do not believe that this should be an excuse not to contact someone. After all a text takes only 1 minute. I have a busy life as well and i still managed to make time for him. I recently went to see him on a working day because he had an infection and high fever. So i made him a priority.

 

My question is: how do you become someone's priority? In the past i never had this problem, but now i feel more like a convenience than a priority. It's like i'm the weekend girlfriend and that's it. He seems to be wired that way in the sense that he is not even contacting his children every day ( they live in another city).

 

I also feel disappointed that he does not feel like calling me, texting me. It seems weird for me to have to ask for these things.

 

I have read in some other posts that there are people who hate being in daily contact with the person they are dating. For me it's a way to stay close, i cant ignore someone 2 days and then pick up where we left off, i am just not comfortable with it and it makes me withdraw and take a step back.

 

what can be done in this situation?

 

thank you in advance.

 

How often is he contacting you?

 

Also, ultimately you cannot make someone prioritize you. They have to choose that for themselves. You can, however, make yourself less available/communicate your concerns to him. He might not be on the same page as you when it comes to your current relationship - maybe he sees this as more of a casual arrangement than you do. In any case, it would be a good idea to talk to him and see where he stands. Ask yourself whether you can meet each others' needs while still being happy with the relationship. Then decide if he's a generally a good match for you.

[Emilia]

thank you in advance.

How often do you call and text him?

[lioness75]

Its quite likely that a lot of guys at 45 are not going to be the lovey dovey type they might have been when younger. Times that by 2 if they are now workaholics. You are competing with his career, and during a work day that's going to be his main focus and he could be knackered when he gets home. While you say a txt only takes a minute to send, a token 'morning babe' text is really also not a lot to turn a weekend only relationship into something so much more special. I can totally understand it would be nice to hear from the most special person in your life, but some people (more so guys) just don't need that constant communication. Talking about trivial stuff just for the sake of it when they know they will see you in a few days and can devote their full attention then. They wont feel feel needy and insecure or think there is something wrong if they don't here from you for a day or two, so we don't think in the same way you do. He still txts but less. He calls & skypes. (though later on you say he doesn't?) I think you are anxious because he is doing something different from what you are used to.

 

I would be inclined to say the best way to make someone make you a priority is for them to feel they might lose you. Making yourself less available does tend to prick the other person into appreciating what they have, but usually only if there has been an imbalance in the effort from one of the partners. In your case I would not say that would apply. My guess is you not sending him a daily txt wont prompt him to worry about you and to start texting more. If a person is not really in love then its going to be really hard to get them to make you a priority, but people show their love in different ways and have different styles of communication, but that does not mean they don't love their partner.

 

Have you communicated your insecurities regarding daily communication to him?

If you explained how its makes you feel more special and it means a lot to you then he might be more inclined than if you said you expect it, or all my past bfs would not do this or you are making me insecure. Try phrase it so it does not seem like an obligation otherwise its less meaningful. You can send him a txt everyday if you wish to prompt a reply. You don't have to leave it all for him to initiate.

 

I was thinking exactly the same. He thinks he will see me so then he will devote his full attention to me. He has done it on each date. And no, if he doesnt hear from me, he will not think something is wrong. In the beginning i used to mirror his action: if he answered after 2 hours to a text, I answered after 2 hours and so on. Sometimes he called me if he saw i didnt answer. Sometimes he continued to text. He wanted to share stuff. The first big change was after we first had sex when the morning texts that he sent EACH morning, without me asking, just stopped. It felt very weird at first but then he started to call instead of texting, usually once a day and i enjoyed that. The skype thing is very sporadic.

 

I have not communicated my concerns to him yet. I hesitated because i dont want to be demanding and nagging and also because it bothers me that he does not feel like doing it on his own. I have tried to use my example: call him & text him first ( not more than once a day), ask him if he is ok when he was sick, drove there to spend the day&night with him to make sure he's ok. He seemed very happy i did that. Then on saturday i arranged tickets to a concert and a hotel afterwards as an advance Christmas gift, as he is going aboroad on dec 21st. He told me he liked it very much and he is very impressed that i have organized this for him.

That said, i have not heard from him since sunday evening.

[lioness75]

How often is he contacting you?

 

Also, ultimately you cannot make someone prioritize you. They have to choose that for themselves. You can, however, make yourself less available/communicate your concerns to him. He might not be on the same page as you when it comes to your current relationship - maybe he sees this as more of a casual arrangement than you do. In any case, it would be a good idea to talk to him and see where he stands. Ask yourself whether you can meet each others' needs while still being happy with the relationship. Then decide if he's a generally a good match for you.

 

Usually he did contact me every day, but there were times when i would text or call him him and wouldnt answer and then call me the next day.

I have often thought about making myself less available, but then it always feels like we have too little time together and i didnt want to ruin it.

 

It somehow feels like in the beginning he had to conquer me, say sweet stuff, text me, secure dates, etc. Then when i was conquered he did not need to do anything in between dates. This would be an ease "he's just not that into you case" if he wasnt so attentive and nice during the dates. I mean, i never had anyone hold me through an entire rock concert! )

[lioness75]

How often do you call and text him?

 

usually i text him once a day, but i dont always initiate it. same with the calls.

what bothers me is that sometimes he does not answer and he does not call back.

[Emilia]

usually i text him once a day, but i dont always initiate it. same with the calls.

what bothers me is that sometimes he does not answer and he does not call back.

You mean straight away? He must call back eventually even if not on the same day.

[xxoo]

He seems to be wired that way in the sense that he is not even contacting his children every day ( they live in another city).

 

If they are young, this should tell you a lot.

 

It sounds like work is his priority. You aren't going to change that. He put on "best behavior" for a short while (as we all do), and now you're seeing the real him.

[lioness75]

You mean straight away? He must call back eventually even if not on the same day.

 

We have had cases when i have called him in the evening and he has returned the call the next day. If that were me, and i have missed the call for whatever reason, i would have sent a text if it was too late to call.

 

Our last communication was sunday evening. Yesterday i have not heard from him, i called him in the evening. Until now he hasnt called or texted me.

I do know he had a lot of work to do yesterday and today, i know he is an workoholic, but it does seem rather strange not to think about the person you say you care about and not contact her, especially since you have seen that she called you.

[ponchsox]

A phone doesn't make a relationship. How do you feel when you are with him and do you both openly communicate?

[Emilia]

We have had cases when i have called him in the evening and he has returned the call the next day. If that were me, and i have missed the call for whatever reason, i would have sent a text if it was too late to call.

 

Our last communication was sunday evening. Yesterday i have not heard from him, i called him in the evening. Until now he hasnt called or texted me.

I do know he had a lot of work to do yesterday and today, i know he is an workoholic, but it does seem rather strange not to think about the person you say you care about and not contact her, especially since you have seen that she called you.

I see. I agree with xxoo. It appears you two have very different priorities in life in general. Don't take it personally but perhaps something you need to look into in terms of compatibility.

[lioness75]

If they are young, this should tell you a lot.

 

It sounds like work is his priority. You aren't going to change that. He put on "best behavior" for a short while (as we all do), and now you're seeing the real him.

 

They are in college, not so young. And they are going to see him for Christmas vacation - so same story : they will see eachother soon, why bother speaking every day.

[Emilia]

They are in college, not so young. And they are going to see him for Christmas vacation - so same story : they will see eachother soon, why bother speaking every day.

Most adults don't speak every day to their parents. Do your mother and you speak every day?

[lioness75]

A phone doesn't make a relationship. How do you feel when you are with him and do you both openly communicate?

 

I feel great! All the time we spent together ever since we met has been great!

 

But we dont see eachother during the week, so am i expected not to talk to him at all? and even if i initiate the text and he does not answer or answers very briefly that does not make it any better.

[ponchsox]

I feel great! All the time we spent together ever since we met has been great!

 

But we dont see eachother during the week, so am i expected not to talk to him at all? and even if i initiate the text and he does not answer or answers very briefly that does not make it any better.

 

Maybe he's not big into texting or he's busy? I think you're reading too much into it.

[lioness75]

Most adults don't speak every day to their parents. Do your mother and you speak every day?

 

we text every day, mostly.

[Emilia]

we text every day, mostly.

Well, I can't do a poll here on loveshack but I would say it's probably not the way most people are with their parents. I don't know how much and how well you communicate with this guy when you do talk, ie how meaningful your conversations are, but I think you are probably expecting much more than many people would. It's telling that you think he should be talking to his adult/older children every day. I don't think most people believe that and to be honest for older children it would be likely to be a nuisance.

[lioness75]

Maybe he's not big into texting or he's busy? I think you're reading too much into it.

 

he is busy. he used to text me a lot, i used to joke he's the king of texting, wouldnt pick up the phone to call me.

every time we meet, it looks like i am reading too much into it and i am being insecure for no reason, but i still cant deal with it, it makes me just stop and take a step back.

[stillafool]

We have had cases when i have called him in the evening and he has returned the call the next day. If that were me, and i have missed the call for whatever reason, i would have sent a text if it was too late to call.

 

Our last communication was sunday evening. Yesterday i have not heard from him, i called him in the evening. Until now he hasnt called or texted me.

I do know he had a lot of work to do yesterday and today, i know he is an workoholic, but it does seem rather strange not to think about the person you say you care about and not contact her, especially since you have seen that she called you.

 

But, it's only Tuesday morning. If he is working, busy and got home late I can understand it. Maybe you need someone who likes to communicate the way you do.

[Emilia]

he is busy. he used to text me a lot, i used to joke he's the king of texting, wouldnt pick up the phone to call me.

every time we meet, it looks like i am reading too much into it and i am being insecure for no reason, but i still cant deal with it, it makes me just stop and take a step back.

But now he calls you instead, no? He has stepped it up to be a more personal communication.

[Mascara]

I understand the daily contact, I prefer that too.

 

But I've said it before - try to discourage patterns, eg EVERY morning, or EVERY goodnight. Because then you really miss it when they can't do it, or switch to different times.

 

Today, my guy is quiet at work so we've been chatting on and off all morning. Other times, he'll be snowed under and not contact me until the evening.

 

There are no expectations or requests, because there's a danger that doing so makes it into a chore rather than a genuine desire to contact you.

[xxoo]

If the kids are college-aged, then not speaking every day is completely normal.

 

Like Emilia said, it's about compatibility. It seems odd to you that he doesn't take the time to text or call, because you are not completely obsessed with your work all day long--but he is. And it isn't about what you should or should not expect, but rather what you can and can not accept. He probably isn't going to get any better about contact, so the question is, does this relationship meet your needs?

 

If I were you, I'd have a direct conversation about it. Let him know how you feel when you don't hear from him during the week. Let him know that you feel less connected, and dissatisfied. Ask how he feels about daily contact, and really listen to what he says. And if he promises change, then watch to see if his actions match his words.

 

Just be honest with yourself, and with him, about what you need.

[ponchsox]

You have to ask yourself are you setting expectations and being dissapointed as a result? Or is this a deal breaker for you?

[lioness75]

But now he calls you instead, no? He has stepped it up to be a more personal communication.

 

yes, that is why i did not worry about the morning text, i just found the changes strange as i never had that before. I do like to talk on the phone more than texting.