Nightingale980 Posted December 17, 2013 Posted December 17, 2013 Hi all, I've been reading a lot of threads tonight and decided to sign up to ask for some advice. Some background: My ex-boyfriend and I were together for just under 4 years. I broke up with him about 6 weeks ago after thinking about it for a long time. Basically I felt that I was putting more effort in to our relationship/valued it more, and was tired of being taken for granted. I have been on an emotional roller coaster since breaking up. On Saturday, I found some of his things that I knew he would want back, so I texted him (after 6 weeks NC) to ask how I should go about returning them. I ended up going to his apartment so we could exchange some things, and I stayed for about an hour. I cried a lot, and we talked. Since then I can't stop thinking and wondering if I did the right thing. Part of me wonders if I wasn't vocal enough about our problems during the relationship, and maybe if I had been, things would be different. While I was at his place on Saturday he was really great and respectful of the breakup, but he did say "I know that it's for the best, for now", and the "for now" makes me think that he hopes we will get back together. Which now has me thinking about the possibility of getting back together. I haven not dated anyone since we broke up, and currently have no interest in doing so. I do not want to send him mixed signals, so we haven't talked since our exchange on Saturday. I know we both have a lot of work to do individually before we can think about the possibility of getting back together, or we will just fall into our old patterns and it won't work out. How do I tell him that I am open to the possibility of us reconnecting in the future, after a few more months of being apart? Will that just complicate things further? I feel lost. Thanks for reading.
xUnknown Posted December 17, 2013 Posted December 17, 2013 Sit on it for another few weeks. Give yourself a timeline - an end date to your questioning. You're very emotional right now and not thinking clearly. Seeing your ex set you back. Give yourself 1 month, until Mid January...set up a time to speak then should you want him back. You can't ask US here what to do, because you're the one that knows your relationship best - not us. We can give you advice, but its not fair to you (or for us) to give you the final decision - because what we may think may be completely different than how you feel. My ex came back to me Friday, said everything a dumpee would want to hear - at first I gave her the impression of "no"...now having second thoughts. So I texted her and told her I appreciate her having the guts and self refelction to show up unannounced and do it in person. I said we'll meet in January. She was surprised I texted her saying what I said because she mentioned how bad she thought it went. Now I'm going NC again to regather my thoughts, all the pros/cons. Everything is too fresh for me to judge it rationally without emotion - so I gave myself a timeline. I suggest you do the same Its good that you came here for advice and to vent, but this decision has to be yours, and yours alone. I realize from therapy that I rely too much on what other people think I should do - as if I'm not capable of making the decision for myself. Everyone always wonders - what is the "right" thing to do. Remember, there is no "right" answer here...only what you feel is BEST for you. --edit: we were together for just shy of 2 years, BU for 3 months, NC for all of that time, except she texted me on our would be 2 year anniv 2 weeks into NC--
Sandy99 Posted December 17, 2013 Posted December 17, 2013 I think you have made an important discovery. You realized where you went wrong. Breaking up with your boyfriend was a bit passive aggressive of you. Wasn't it? Instead of communicating your feelings, you just broke up with the guy. You clearly need to work on your communication skills. I think that's the problem with a lot of dumpers. They don't even tell the other person what is bothering them, they keep it inside and then do something really cruel to their significant other...like break up with them out of nowhere or cheat. Then the dumper thinks, okay great....I'm free... Now I can move on to somebody who I really love, only to find out they have the same problems with the next person. Because a big part of the problem is them. So go back and tell your ex what you want. Communicate your feelings to him. I'd try to work this out. You don't need any more space. I'd just go do it. How can you live with yourself knowing that you dumped somebody just because you couldn't tell him your true feelings? Maybe he won't want you back, but at least you know where you went wrong and you own up to it. I'd do it sooner than later. Once a dumpee gets over their ex, there is little hope usually for a reconciliation. 3
Author Nightingale980 Posted December 18, 2013 Author Posted December 18, 2013 Thank you both for your input. We talked again today, and not only are we on the same page, we are on really good terms. We agree that we both have a lot of work to do personally before we can have any sort of chance at a lasting relationship. We are going to continue being apart for a while (didn't exactly specify a time, but we were thinking at least until the spring) to work on ourselves and figure out what part we each had in everything. As you pointed out Sandy99, it was passive aggressive of me to break up with him in the first place, and I need to work on becoming more assertive and communicating better. I have been talking with select friends and family members about it all, and I'm getting mixed feedback from them, but I like what you said xUnknown, I need to decide for myself. I still have a long ways to go, and am really struggling with how I move forward now. I don't exactly know what my life looks like without my ex, and that is something I need to figure out.
jphcbpa Posted January 27, 2014 Posted January 27, 2014 only to find out they have the same problems with the next person. Because a big part of the problem is them. . this... the same script is still running until you face it and work on it, work through it to the other side. you can change actors in the play (the ex for a new person), but if the script is still unchanged, you will have the same issues come up.
maliha3492 Posted January 29, 2014 Posted January 29, 2014 Yeah, she wants you to reply so that she gets you thinking about her, thus, making her feel better. Keep NC man. 7 years is a long time. It will take a while for both of you to get over all this.
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