Binah Posted December 17, 2013 Posted December 17, 2013 Hi Everyone, I'm struggling with an ex-boyfriend who I have remained friends with since our breakup four years ago. Over the four years since we broke up, there have been times when he wanted to get back together, but I was in another relationship - and then were times he was in a relationship and I wanted to try again. As of last month, we were both single for the first time since we broke up. He asked me to dinner and I accepted. During dinner he confessed that he still loves me and would still like to marry me someday. I confessed my feeling for him as well and we ended up sleeping together. A few days after, I began to feel anxious about where we were heading and if I could trust him again (he had cheated on me during our relationship). I asked him to please be honest with me about his feelings and not to make claims about being in love if he is not serious. He assured me that he does love me, would marry, but that he cannot just jump in head first to a relationship again. He said he needs some time to be single as his last relationship ended just a month before and he needs to fully heal. I initially felt good about this conversation because I was able to express myself and I felt the door to honest communication was open. However, about a week after this discussion, I invited him to a dinner party and he did not respond. I checked with him by text the next day and he was noncommittal about the invitation, saying he wasn't comfortable with the dress code of the party. I tried calling him to discuss this and he put my call to voicemail. He then texted me and said that he was in a loud place and would call me later. He never called. I texted him the next day and apologized if I he felt I had pressured him about the party and he never responded. That was a week ago and still no response. I've known this man for 9 years and he has never just ignored me like that. We have always remained on good terms and in communication. I'm especially confused by this behavior as just a week before he told me he loved me and talked about marriage. I want to reach out to him and try to understand what's going on, but I'm afraid that I've somehow pushed him away. I hate the feeling of having to be calculating with someone I've known for so long. Any advice would be much appreciated. Binah
eleve82 Posted December 17, 2013 Posted December 17, 2013 It looks like he's pulled a Houdini on you... Sadly men do this a lot and silence only means one thing - he's avoiding you because he doesn't want to commit to you. In all my experiences, when a guy starts backing off, the best thing you can do for yourself is to back the hell off. Men who are afraid of commitment need to be the one to chase you or they will always wonder if they made the decision under pressure. 9 years is a long time to know someone - the way he is treating you now is proof of who he really is. Stop holding on to the image of him you have and start asking yourself: is this the kind of person you want to marry? You deserve better. Cut him off and move on. 2
Author Binah Posted December 17, 2013 Author Posted December 17, 2013 Thank you. If he is to contacts me in the coming days, weeks, months, do you suggest that I engage with him at all? And to what degree? I need advice, as I don't think I can see things for what they are right now.
headinthecloud Posted December 17, 2013 Posted December 17, 2013 Thank you. If he is to contacts me in the coming days, weeks, months, do you suggest that I engage with him at all? And to what degree? I need advice, as I don't think I can see things for what they are right now. Just be nonchalant. Don't respond right away to any text, email or call. Take a couple of hours to respond. And DO NOT initiate any contact. It sounds like it was too much too fast. Give him 2mos to heal from his last RS before you get involved. He's likely trying to fill the emotional void at the moment and is being impulsive. Try not to believe anything he says because he's not thinking rationally.
reddragon588 Posted December 17, 2013 Posted December 17, 2013 Wow an ex says what it takes to get you in bed then disappears. That's a new one.
stillafool Posted December 17, 2013 Posted December 17, 2013 The truth - you've been broken up for 4 years. If he really wanted you back he would have broken up with whomever he was with and begged you back. Now he has been free a month and tells you he is in love wth you and wants to marry you but doesn't get back to you. He is obviously lying. Stop chasing him because he is not serious. If he is saying he needs time to heal from his last relationship he obviously still has strong feelings for her. I think you should definitely move on from this guy as you have already wasted too many years on him with nothing to show for it. Don't waste anymore of your youth on him. It goes by too fast.
Zahara Posted December 17, 2013 Posted December 17, 2013 Dinner: I am still in love with you and want to marry you someday. You both have sex. After dinner & sex: I am still in love with you and want to marry you someday BUT I can't jump into a relationship just yet. He should have said the latter before he slept with you. But he didn't. I'm sure he knew that he wasn't ready for a relationship? No? Which to me sounds like he said what you wanted to hear at the time, and now that you are requiring him to step up to the plate and follow through with his words, he's bolting. I'm also wondering if all the times you were both reaching out to each other was because each of you needed to fill an empty void after each break-up -- not so much because of love. If it was die hard love, you both would have let your partners go and been with each other. All these years of back and forth. And he cheated on you. I would try to move on. He's not the only man to walk the face of the earth. Things haven't even taken off and he's already playing games with you. 2
Author Binah Posted December 17, 2013 Author Posted December 17, 2013 Thank you, everyone! I think what is most difficult right now is trying to understand how someone who has been in my life for nearly a decade, is suddenly cutting me off with no warning. I can understand that we want from 0 to 60 and it was maybe too much, even for me. But what I don't understand is with all our history and with our recent conversation (when I gave him an opportunity to recant anything that was untrue), he is now flat out ignoring me. Why not just tell me directly he could not go to the dinner party? Why not tell me it's too much too soon and he can't see my right now? Why not tell me he needs space from me? Why leave me hanging? I'm not some girl he met last month or even last year. At this point does anyone feel there is any benefit to me confronting these issues with him? Would any good come of it, or would it just make things worse? Or do I just leave it and go NC? I'm both hurt as I love him romantically, but I'm also hurt because I value him as a friend.
Author Binah Posted December 17, 2013 Author Posted December 17, 2013 There is a strong part of me that wants to stand up for myself and confront his behavior as that was something I never really did when we were together years ago. My only fear in confronting him is that he will use the opportunity to manipulate me further, if he is insincere. I'm also not sure how I would react if he ignored such a serious message or responded negatively; I could fall apart. Am I crazy for even giving him the time of day now? I know that a man's actions are what really count and his actions are telling me what I need to know. But has anyone ever felt the need to stand up and tell their ex that their manipulative behavior is not ok? Is this just more energy that I'm wasting on him?
Zahara Posted December 17, 2013 Posted December 17, 2013 Binah, people who have been married to each other for decades do all sorts of shady things and act out of character. Maybe he's hiding because 1) realizes he's not cut out for commitment with you and doesn't have the courage to tell you 2) he's feeling guilty that he can't step up for you 3) he's a douchebag 4) he's avoidant and emotionally stunted. Who knows. Don't contact him. Don't chase him. Stop. NC. He's ignoring you for a reason. And that's because he cannot face you so forcing him for answers will only push him further away.
Zahara Posted December 17, 2013 Posted December 17, 2013 There is a strong part of me that wants to stand up for myself and confront his behavior as that was something I never really did when we were together years ago. My only fear in confronting him is that he will use the opportunity to manipulate me further, if he is insincere. I'm also not sure how I would react if he ignored such a serious message or responded negatively; I could fall apart. Am I crazy for even giving him the time of day now? I know that a man's actions are what really count and his actions are telling me what I need to know. But has anyone ever felt the need to stand up and tell their ex that their manipulative behavior is not ok? Is this just more energy that I'm wasting on him? Yes, you are wasting your energy. Manipulative people do things to benefit themselves so whatever you feel or value is of no regard to them.
Author Binah Posted December 17, 2013 Author Posted December 17, 2013 Thank you, again. This is really so helpful to me. What suggestions do you have for staying strong when he inevitably contacts me again?
Author Binah Posted December 17, 2013 Author Posted December 17, 2013 This may sound extreme, but I've always thought if I ever made the decision to truly go NC for good, I would need to change my phone number. I don't know that I am strong enough to cut him off when I see a call or a text come in; especially if it's apologetic. I'm too prone to seeing the good in him. Has anyone ever had to take it to this extreme?
Zahara Posted December 17, 2013 Posted December 17, 2013 Thank you, again. This is really so helpful to me. What suggestions do you have for staying strong when he inevitably contacts me again? Personally, I'd ditch this one. This is what he'll do. He'll give it some time, some silence, hoping that things will settle down. Then when he thinks you've calmed down, when you've lowered your expectations because god forbid you would be afraid of him disappearing again so you step back and let him set the tone, or when you've forgotten or at least lessened your anger at him for not responding to you, he will emerge. He will start his dance again with you. It's called the reset button. Any man that ignores you this way isn't worth it. I'm not even sure why you are entertaining someone that cheated on you. Aren't you remotely fearful of him doing it again or can you safely say you'll be able to completely invested with zero paranoia? I don't think you are thinking this through. You're love driven. How to stay strong? I'm not sure how you can do it when every minute of the day you will be on pins and needles hoping for contact. This is why this sort of behavior should never be tolerated because the only one that suffers is you. Just go about your day, as usual until he contacts.
Zahara Posted December 17, 2013 Posted December 17, 2013 This may sound extreme, but I've always thought if I ever made the decision to truly go NC for good, I would need to change my phone number. I don't know that I am strong enough to cut him off when I see a call or a text come in; especially if it's apologetic. I'm too prone to seeing the good in him. Has anyone ever had to take it to this extreme? It isn't extreme at all. Infact it is encouraged. It's the best way to go NC. I don't think you are prone to seeing the good in him. So when he cheated on you, you still saw good in him? You don't have good boundaries and you most likely have taken hits to your self-esteem, and that is why you tolerate what he does. I posted this on another thread -- "I did wonder if he was trying to contact me. But I would resolve that with, "Even if he did contact, what would have changed? He'd still be the same asswhole he was before. And it would only hurt me." I knew nothing could come out of contact. The thing is we think we will have satisfaction out of ignoring them. We don't because if you read here, 9 out of 10 times contact will just pull you back down again and before you know it you're struggling about responding, not responding, what will he think, am I rude, what does he want, maybe he has changed, etc. It's a mindp***. Essentially, contact gives you absolutely nothing. The push to change your number? It is about getting to a point where you're absolutely done and you choose protecting your mental and emotional health as your priority. What's important in making the step to completely disappearing from his life and completely turning the focus back on you is acceptance that you are done, it is over. Self-preservation has to be what's important to you, even when getting there hurts you. What he does and what he wants becomes secondary. What you have to do and what you want becomes primary."
Author Binah Posted December 17, 2013 Author Posted December 17, 2013 What gave me hope this time around was that after our initial breakup he became sober and has remained sober for about 4 years. I thought this was a big enough change to believe I could trust him again after the cheating and lies. I do see many positive differences in him since becoming sober, which is another reason why this hurts so much. I really thought I could trust him this time. He told me a year ago that sobriety gave him clarity about life and that one of his biggest regrets that came with that was his regrets about me. I believed it.
Zahara Posted December 17, 2013 Posted December 17, 2013 What gave me hope this time around was that after our initial breakup he became sober and has remained sober for about 4 years. I thought this was a big enough change to believe I could trust him again after the cheating and lies. I do see many positive differences in him since becoming sober, which is another reason why this hurts so much. I really thought I could trust him this time. He told me a year ago that sobriety gave him clarity about life and that one of his biggest regrets that came with that was his regrets about me. I believed it. Sobriety aside. With someone that has had a tendency to lie(s) and cheat on you, what you should have done was to take your time with reconnecting with him. Date. Go out. Get to know each other again. How much of change could you have possibly noticed when you've only reconnected within a month of breaking up with each of your other partners. Also, people will tell you whatever it is you want to hear. I hate to be a cynical but sometimes you have to tread carefully. Don't just trust because someone says so. It could be that sobriety has changed him. It could be that his biggest regret was losing you. All that aside, focus on his behavior towards you now. It is what matters. It isn't right. 1
Author Binah Posted December 18, 2013 Author Posted December 18, 2013 I have seriously considering changing my number, so that my ex cannot contact me any longer. It occurred to be tonight that one "benefit" of doing this is that I will never have to know if he decided to stop contacting me himself (if I'm done, maybe he's done too). It won't be heartbreaking in a month, two months, six months, if he contributed to ignore me because I will never know. Having said, by changing my number am I allowing myself to live in a false reality where I can believe that he did try to contact me and apologize after all, he just couldn't find me. Does it continue to create a false storyline in my own mind? I can envision myself creating such a scenario to protect my heart and ego. Has anyone ever experienced this? Does it even matter? Has anyone ever regretted changing their number?
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