Clay Posted December 17, 2013 Posted December 17, 2013 You can do what ever you want. Seriously it is your life. But you are kidding yourself if you think this warning sigh is not real. Just the fact you are having these feelings for this other man is a betrayal. If it is not a betrayal then why not tell your husband how you feel about the other man? If you are doing nothing wrong why not let him know. Its clear your judgement is being clouded. If you knew your husband was having feelings about other woman and he was so eager to spend time with her everyday. You would be ok with that right? You think this OM can't see that you are showing this glow for him. What makes you think he wont start to cloud your judgment more. I am sure you are stronger you can stop right? This is your warning sigh. Do with it what you will but it is there for a reason. Your husband ever finds out you have these feelings you may not get a choice in what happens next. Take time and read some of the stories on the infidelity threads. Some people just walk away. You never even get to say good bye or nothing. Your playing with fire and your so close to being burned you don't even realize it. I am only telling you this so maybe you can take a step back and make a better decision. I do hope you work this out for you. Clay
Author yakamoz Posted December 17, 2013 Author Posted December 17, 2013 I have been thinking about all the comments in this thread since yesterday. I had this bottled up in me so long that the fact that i can finally discuss it on this forum made a huge difference. My boss was in my office this morning for our regular meeting and while he talked about work (intermixed with his complements), i was thinking about comments in this thread and ignored his complements. (of course he then spent 45 min in my office fixing the heating system that i passingly mentioned wasnt working properly - sigh- cant win all ) Clay - your points are well taken. About my husband, he already knows i am attracted to this guy. I mentioned it already that i spoke to him about this. He just doesnt know how much energy i put into control my feelings. I have known my husband for 15 years. He adores me and he would never leave me. In fact, right about know he is probably afraid i will fall in love with my boss and may leave him. Of course that will not happen - i love him. In any case,thank you for your input. I am thinking about all of the comments as i mentioned. I am glad i opened this thread, it cleared my head.
Artie Lang Posted December 17, 2013 Posted December 17, 2013 i don't see this working out as long as you work with this guy. your boss is eventually gonna wear you down and you're gonna succumb to his advances- PLAIN AND SIMPLE!
Snowflower Posted December 17, 2013 Posted December 17, 2013 I have been thinking about all the comments in this thread since yesterday. I had this bottled up in me so long that the fact that i can finally discuss it on this forum made a huge difference. My boss was in my office this morning for our regular meeting and while he talked about work (intermixed with his complements), i was thinking about comments in this thread and ignored his complements. (of course he then spent 45 min in my office fixing the heating system that i passingly mentioned wasnt working properly - sigh- cant win all ) Welcome, yakamoz! Your self-awareness is refreshing. Most people in your situation come here and have no clue why they are doing what they are doing but you have looked inward and know yourself. I also think you would devastate yourself if you were to go forward with an affair with your boss. May I ask, what happened when you ignored his compliments? Did he give up and keep it professional? How did you feel when you ignored his compliments? Clay - your points are well taken. About my husband, he already knows i am attracted to this guy. I mentioned it already that i spoke to him about this. He just doesnt know how much energy i put into control my feelings. I have known my husband for 15 years. He adores me and he would never leave me. In fact, right about know he is probably afraid i will fall in love with my boss and may leave him. Of course that will not happen - i love him. In any case,thank you for your input. I am thinking about all of the comments as i mentioned. I am glad i opened this thread, it cleared my head. Sometimes men (like your husband maybe) don't "get it" when their wife is in a situation such as yours. They think it is cute or kind of funny that their wife has a crush or a work husband and don't see the sinister undertones in it. Talk to your husband and tell him what you have told us here. Tell him you need his help in stopping this crush that you have on your boss. Your husband may be a little upset at first-or hurt-but it is a lot better than a full-fledged affair. FWIW, I'm glad this thread has cleared your head a little bit. Since you are unable to go to therapy, then I strongly suggest reading some books. Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass would be perfect for you and your husband might want to read it with you. Good luck and I truly hope you do the right thing, I mean that!
tired girl Posted December 17, 2013 Posted December 17, 2013 The problem here with what you are doing is that you are not seeing your situation clearly. There are huge red flags here and your marriage with your H is in danger and you are about to betray yourself in a huge way. You have already walked over some major boundaries here and you don't even see that. You have allowed another man to invade emotional territory that belongs only to you and your H and you are not protecting that. Why? I know that you are using your depression as the excuse to let this other man into your life, but do you realize how much damage this is doing to you and to your marriage? You are sitting there fantasizing about another man and your H has no idea. This is called emotional betrayal, and your H has the right to know that this is going on. I understand that your depression made you more vulnerable to another man making you feel good about yourself, but that was all he did. He is not some magical person that you have made into. This is not the land of unicorns and butterflies where you can have it all and everything turns out wonderful. You are about to destroy your life for nothing. This man does not care about you. He cares about getting a piece of ass on the side, that is all you represent to him, do you understand that? All of these special little feelings that you have stored up because of him are false. The only thing that is real is what you have at home. Figure out what is real and quit romanticizing what this person is doing. He is talking you up so he can get some on the side. Men like him know how to do this with women who have low self esteem. I hope you can start to see him for who he really is and start to see yourself for the value you really have. Not what he says, but what you see in the mirror and what is between you and your H. Leave this man in the dust, he is not worth it.
twosadthings Posted December 18, 2013 Posted December 18, 2013 What does it matter who makes the first move when you're so unsure (or maybe too sure) about the outcome. I can never understand why people will entertain the idea of bad, wrong or stupid behavior when the consequences are so devastating and staring them in the face. I also can't understand why you need strangers to tell you the obvious. Get counseling as soon as you can. Twosadthings
Author yakamoz Posted December 18, 2013 Author Posted December 18, 2013 Snowflower - Thank you for your comments. I was obviously little preoccupied and not into our normal banter so he gave up but he must have picked up on my quietness because he then spent the 45 min in office checking the heating system. Than he called the maintenance people and waited until they showed up to look at the fans. In the mean time, he did what he always does - we work in legal profession and he knows I love to talk about legal/policy issues - we discussed some legal issue while waiting. My attraction to him is beyond just a physical attraction and he knows that. I am attracted his intellect and our spending lot of time together started with these discussions. I will pick up the book you mentioned and read it. Tired girl - While I appreciate your comments, I disagree with you. I am very well aware of the situation that I am in. That is the reason why I am in so much emotional pain. I never had problem setting boundaries before and I know I crossed a line with this person. In his defense, however, I really don't think he walks around trying to seduce anyone. I think he is as emotionally conflicted as I am. While he is very attractive, he does not have a reputation as a player in the company. He is also very measured and professional in his treatment of ladies. However, intellectually we are very compatible and our whole friendship started with that. Now it is probably my fault it escalated because as hard as I try, I am probably giving him all kinds of signals. Only in the recent months did he start to act in a way that shows he might be attracted to me.
Clay Posted December 18, 2013 Posted December 18, 2013 Have your husband come to this site and read everything you wrote. I doubt seriously you really told him to this level how you feel about your boss and how your boss is showing you more attention. Clay
Author yakamoz Posted December 18, 2013 Author Posted December 18, 2013 Have your husband come to this site and read everything you wrote. I doubt seriously you really told him to this level how you feel about your boss and how your boss is showing you more attention. Clay I have been saying that from the beginning of the thread. He probably doesn't realize how deep my feelings are. However, he knows my boss pays more attention to me and that we spent lot of time together. That was never a secret and it makes sense. We have similar education and work experience. He spends time with others too but he has always been more attentive to my questions and requests.
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