talk me out of being OW -i am in so much pain.

[yakamoz]

Hello everyone. I am new here and I am just going crazy out of my mind because I have no one else talk to about this. I need some advise about my situation before I do something really bad. Short of the story is that I am crazy obsessed with my married boss. I don't know if the attraction is mutual. We are hot and cold - sometimes I think he is into me as much as I am in to him and sometimes I think it is all in my head.

 

Background- After a long term unemployment that destroyed my self esteem, I finally found a good job. My first day in the job was the first time I met him. He is younger than me and a very attractive man. I was attracted to him immediately. We hit it off right away and had a really good work relationship. He slowly built my self esteem and helped me with depression I have been suffering for a few years. Fast forward, our relationship evolved into friendship and currently I am not sure where we stand. I should add, I have been married for 10 years to a wonderful man. I love my husband. He is a sweetheart who would do anything for me. He is also the only man I have ever been physically intimate with.

 

So how I feel about my boss is emotionally devastating to me. I don't know what to do with myself. I hate myself for feeling this way. A grown married woman should not act like a teenager with crush but here I am. Every morning I go to work with a resolve that I will not let him affect me. Every morning my resolve just melts when I see his face and look into his eyes. I spoke to my husband about this. I never hide anything from him but he trusts me completely and I don't think he realizes how deep my feelings are. So I was reading about OW experiences here and there seem to be a lot of regret. I was hoping someone could help me deal with this and stop me from crossing the line with him.

 

As long as he doesn't make a move, I should be ok because I would never make the first move. But if he does, I will not be able to say 'no'. In the last few months, I feel he may be feeling the way I feel. We have lot of eye contact, long gazes and his face just lights up when he sees me. On several occasions, he also seemed he was about to say something and backed out. I don't know, everything is so confusing. I need someone to talk some sense into me, if possible. I don't know why this is happening to me. I don't think I have ever done anything that was inappropriate in my entire life. I am so shamed of how I feel and sick of being in constant emotional pain when I am with him. Getting another job is not an option right now and in any case, I don't think I can cope with not seeing him.

 

I did think of just sleeping with him once and get it out of my system. I sometimes think I am in love with the idea of how good he is. If I actually became intimate with him, he would turn into regular man with all the imperfections the men have. This has happened to me when I was single. I would have a crush on a co-worker or friend and fantasize about him forever. But on few occasions when I actually got the chance to be intimate with my crushes, I was turned off almost immediately. My husband was the only man this did not happen. Of course my attraction for my boss is the most powerful I ever felt for a man but same thing may happen again. Did anyone here got totally turned off after starting a PA with their MM?

 

But then I am scared when I hear people talk about how cheating sex was the best they ever had etc...Of course this may all be me giving myself an excuse to cheat. I wish I could just turn off my emotions. I am sick of ongoing pain.

Edited December 17, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[whichwayisup]

1)Show your husband what you've written here and together you two go to marriage counseling and also go on your own. Then maybe your H will know how seriously close you are to having an affair, wanting someone else.

 

2)Google baggage reclaim and read as many articles on there as you can.

 

3)You Don?t Miss Him. You Miss The Idea Of Who You Wanted Him To Be. | The Current Conscience

(Could help you gain perspective)

 

4)Quit your job. No way can you continue working there, lusting after your boss. Your own reputation is at risk, as well as your marriage and all that you know and love. You could lose EVERYTHING if this MM boss chooses to have an A with you.

 

Read as many posts in this section and as well as infidelity section so you can see both sides, the OW perspective and also the betrayed spouse side. What you'll be doing to your own husband, turning his world upside down, him losing ALL respect and trust/faith in you. Not ever being able to look at you the same way ever again.

 

DO NOT cheat.

[Cinnimon]

May I ask what your husbands reaction to this was?

[Ruffian1]

I have been married for 10 years to a wonderful man. I love my husband.

 

How would it make you feel if your husband was thinking the same thing about a woman he knows?

 

Just curious . . would it bother you??

[yakamoz]

Thank you for your suggestions. I repeat all of these to myself everyday. I also try to protect myself from temptation. For instance, I would never stay after work alone with him or go out after work even with a group. I also try to always make point of asking about his wife and child and talk about mine. But you are right, maybe I need some counseling. I would never want to hurt my husband or his wife. I was a teenager when my father cheated on my mom. It was devastating and this is why I am in so much pain over my emotions.

 

My husband's reaction is subdued so far. He loves me very much and I was unhappy and depressed for a while due to finances and unemployment. He was helpless in getting me out of my depression so when I got this job, he was happy about the positive changes. He knows I have grown emotionally attached to this person but I don't think he really expects me to do anything physical with him. I do love my husband very much and we always had a solid marriage. I am hoping this is just a phase and I will shake myself out of it.

[yakamoz]

Ruffian1 - Of course it would bother me but I would blame myself if he falls for another woman. This is not to say I blame him. I know this is me. It is all my fault and my inability to control my feelings for this man.

Edited December 17, 2013 by yakamoz

[Lillyfree]

it is normal that we find other people attractive throughout our life. what's important is that we don't act on that.

 

you seem to be reading too much into your boss' behaviour - read up on limerence. you require validation and an ego boost from someone other than your husband. don't risk a good job and all the improvement it had on your life just because of a passing crush.

[Cinnimon]

It is very hard to control feelings despite what some would like to think but you can control your actions. I'm sorry your having to deal with this, I am sure it is not easy and I am sure you are hoping to not become depressed again. If your husband loves you and would do anything for you, maybe you can talk to him again and tell him how much your struggling with this. He may not be happy about it but I'm sure he would be less happy if you were to act upon your feelings. I wish you the best.

[Cinnimon]

How would it make you feel if your husband was thinking the same thing about a woman he knows?

 

Just curious . . would it bother you??

Who's to say he doesn't? Just saying. I think she already feels guilty and she is asking for help, both from her husband and the people on this forum.

[yakamoz]

Lillyfree - You might be right. My status at work has always been very important to me. I am a highly educated professional. But 18 months of unemployment completely decimated by self esteem. I started this job very unsure of myself and vulnerable. So I probably do seek an ego boost from him. But I have been doing really good at work. I just got promoted recently too. If I am reading too much into his behavior, then there is no danger. I would never make the first move, just suffer silently.

[Clay]

File for divorce and move on.

 

Clay

[yakamoz]

cinnimon - I am reluctant to involve my husband anymore than I already have. He is very understanding and sometimes jokes that he is my work husband but I can tell this hurts him. This was one of the reasons I started the thread. It is not something I can share with anyone, not even with my best friends. Reading replies actually cleared my head a little. Thank you!

[Lillyfree]

your status at work will plummet should this come out... i've mostly worked in male oriented industries, but have ALWAYS kept to the whole 'don't sh*t where you eat' thing. because even flirting with a coworker or your boss will result in your value as a professional becoming secondary. and i've always thought that i work too hard to ruin it but being yet another brainless office chick.

 

i understand, you've been depressed and your self-esteem was low. now that you've got a job you're feeling better but not good enough - you also want to feel attractive, desired. let your husband provide that type of validation, not your married boss!

 

and most importantly: don't talk yourself into being helpless and not in charge of your actions. don't let anyone have power over you, no matter how attracted to them you are.

[Cinnimon]

cinnimon - I am reluctant to involve my husband anymore than I already have. He is very understanding and sometimes jokes that he is my work husband but I can tell this hurts him. This was one of the reasons I started the thread. It is not something I can share with anyone, not even with my best friends. Reading replies actually cleared my head a little. Thank you!

I can understand that. I was just trying to come up with some suggestions. It worries me when you say you went through a depression thats all. I went through one myself and I know how devastating it was to me, my life, my family and friends and how hard and long it took to come out of it. Just worried for you. Again I do wish you the best.

[AlwaysGrowing]

You seem to understand yourself, and your patterns quite well. The whole, once you sleep with men, they lose their luster for you is a very important thing to remember. If you do go through with this...this will not be like the other times when you were single, your husband, this mans wife and children will be hurt, it won't be as simple as it was, when you were single.

 

Seeking advice shows that you are indeed a thinker and at least have enough self awareness that this is not healthy.

 

Have you thought about IC with a same sex counselor? Often times, when we lean too heavily on opposite sex friends it turns into an emotional bond that we didn't intend for initially. That once you remove that part, it goes back to the professional relationship ...which is..the healthy one for you.

[yakamoz]

cinnimon - Thank you for your kind words. Yes, I suffered for a long time but it was mostly situational depression. Once I got a job and our finances got better, I have been feeling lot better.

 

Lillyfree - Thank you. I completely agree with you. I have always prided myself in my work ethic and professionalism. I know this is highly unprofessional on my part (and also on his part I should add). You are right, I would never want to jeopardize my career. If only I can get that thru to my heart.

[yakamoz]

You seem to understand yourself, and your patterns quite well. The whole, once you sleep with men, they lose their luster for you is a very important thing to remember. If you do go through with this...this will not be like the other times when you were single, your husband, this mans wife and children will be hurt, it won't be as simple as it was, when you were single.

 

Seeking advice shows that you are indeed a thinker and at least have enough self awareness that this is not healthy.

 

Have you thought about IC with a same sex counselor? Often times, when we lean too heavily on opposite sex friends it turns into an emotional bond that we didn't intend for initially. That once you remove that part, it goes back to the professional relationship ...which is..the healthy one for you.

 

I am hoping I can break this addiction (to me that's what it feels like) on my own. I just don't know how I feel discussing this with anyone. This thread is the only place I actually discussed my feelings this openly. I am also in a sensitive job that I would have to report seeing a therapist of any kind.

[whichwayisup]

I am hoping I can break this addiction (to me that's what it feels like) on my own. I just don't know how I feel discussing this with anyone. This thread is the only place I actually discussed my feelings this openly. I am also in a sensitive job that I would have to report seeing a therapist of any kind.

 

Then you need to stop feeding your feelings. Stop fantasizing about him, stop looking at him, stop being so personable with him. Stop flirting, following or whatever else. Every time you have a thought of him, MAKE yourself think of your husband. Keep busy, keep distracted and think some negative things about your boss. He is not perfect, not the person you've pumped him up to be in your head. This will help you stop feeding the feeling for him.

 

Be tough on yourself, make yourself accountable too! You are professional and do NOT want a reputation of being a cheater, or a married woman chasing after her married boss. People at work will lose respect for you and see you in a different light...Keep that in mind too, it'll help you keep things professional at work when dealing with your boss.

[Ruffian1]

Who's to say he doesn't? Just saying. I think she already feels guilty and she is asking for help, both from her husband and the people on this forum

 

If he does or doesn't was not my point. (although I was curious if she cared or not if her H was with another woman, can be very telling)

 

I was trying to get her to use mental imagery (hypothetical picture-like representations in the mind), a type of introspection. Mental imagery can sometimes referred to as: visualizing, hearing in the head, imagining the feel of. She is already doing this wondering (imagining) what it would be like to be with the MM. Putting yourself in another person’s shoes (using mental imagery) is a factor that has made our high-level creative problem-solving abilities possible.

Maybe "feeling" the hurt of if her H did it would be enough to give her the resolve not act on those feelings.

You assumed I was not trying to help her??

How so??

[Mamas girl]

All you need to do is read thread after thread of regret and heartache that getting involved in an affair brings (for the most of us). Please don't act on it. In the end, and there's always an end, affairs cause more hurt then you ever could have thought imaginable.

[imfine]

"I have been married for 10 years to a wonderful man. I love my husband. He is a sweetheart who would do anything for me. He is also the only man I have ever been physically intimate with."

 

A lot to throw away for an office crush. Most women would give anything to be able to say this.

[Clay]

Think about the person doing this. At now point does she show any real remorse for betraying her husband and allowing this OM to even be close to her in this intimate way. She only talks about what she wants how she feels. Not once do you ever hear the thought of setting boundaries. People see others that they are attracted to all the time. They don't act on these feelings and if they feel its getting to close to do the right thing. They get away from this person. If that means leaving the job they do it. This person makes statements such as she cant control herself around this OM. This to me is someone who should do her husband a serious favor and divorce him. He really needs someone who is decent. Some one who has moral and respects themselves. She clearly does not.

 

Its sad but such is life.

 

Clay

[yakamoz]

Clay - i respect your opinion. I am sorry if you were hurt in the past with this issue. If i was an immoral person who only cared about her own feelings i would not be here asking for help. I would just go start an A and not care who got hurt. I should also add, i am an attractive woman and i never had a problem setting boundaries with anyone before. The fact that i only had one sexual partner ever is a proof of that. However, i am not angry at your comments because i say these things to myself at least three times a day. Leaving my job is out of question. I just recovered from 2 year depression due to unemployment that devastated my finances. I take care of my elderly parents along with my own family. I live in constant fear of losing my job (i know if i am this worried about my job i should not do anything to risk it). And in the end, i am sure i will not. I just dont like suffering like this. I want to thank everyone who made comments. This has been very helpful to me.

[Clay]

So seriously you wont leave your job but you can not control your feelings about this other man. Then the answer is simple leave you husband. Give him a chance to move on and find real love. Just by you saying you wont leave your job you are making a choice. Why wont you give your husband the same right or respect. Me being hurt in the past has nothing to do with what you are doing. I know what boundaries are and I have never cheated. It does not take a rocket scientist to realize what you are doing to yourself and your husband. You are making a choice without him. Tell him how you really feel about the other man and how you are excited to see him every day and give him a chance to make the choice too.

 

Clay

[yakamoz]

Clay - i am not going to leave my husband and i am not going to leave the job. I AM my husband's real love. I have no intention of ending my marriage. Why do you make it sound like those are my only options? Just because i am having a hard time controlling my feelings, doesnt mean i never will. Perhaps it is just a very strong infatuation that will simply go away. It is possible he will leave. Also, he holds the one part of equation here. We may simply continue like this for years without crossing the line. I haven't done anything with him. I also said before i would never make the first move in any case. I just need to learn to control this. I used to have a co-worker who was a great friend. He confided in me about everything, we went lunch together everyday etc... This went on for years even though i always knew he had crush on me. He was married (i was single at the time). The day i left that job he confessed to me about his crush. It was ok. it never went beyond a good friendship at work. This is the reason why i opened this thread. Reading the comments strengtens my resolve and hopefully this will just go away. I already take steps at work never to put myself in situations where we are tempted.

Edited December 17, 2013 by yakamoz