Should a woman offer to pay for a date?

[regine_phalange]

I have done all this, though - grabbed the bill and insisted on paying now and then, bought tickets for us in advance, bought him presents, bought groceries for us for the weekend when he was coming to me, etc.

 

But when it comes to going out on the town and the like, the men I tend to date like to pay. They've suggested it's "what a man does", and that they will feel emasculated if I steal their thunder by insisting on paying.

 

That's allrighty then

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Hi everyone,

 

This is my first post, but I've been lurking, reading and taking some of the advice I've gathered from this forum.

 

I've been on 3 dates with a guy and I haven't offered to pay once. He's probably spent $90+ on me so far and given me really expensive wines. He does well financially but I still kind of feel awkward for not saying anything every time he whips out his credit card. I'm going to see him again in a couple days, so I'm wondering if I should say something then? Or if I should wait until I know if it'll last?

 

Thanks in advance for all responses!

 

 

 

The rule is: "Whoever extends the invitation, pays for the date"

 

 

If you have witnessed somebody inviting you out, and paying every time, and find yourself feeling uncomfortable about that seeming imbalance, then the correct way to offset it is to invite him to do something you pick, and then pay for that yourself.

 

(perhaps buying tickets for an event in advance might work, if he doesn't have a cluttered schedule, and/or you can gain a commitment about that date and time in advance)

[crederer]

$90 in 3 dates? I'm sorry but it's probably significantly higher. Probably about 4 or 5 times that to be perfectly honest.

 

I'd offer to pitch in. Doesn't mean he wants you to, but the gesture is nice and appreciated by most guys. Most guys don't want you to pay but at least aknowledge and show appreciation for it.

[Leigh 87]

If you have a job that affords you meals out, offer to pay your own way.

 

Or, better still: treat him if he has treated you so far..

 

I don't offer to pay often since I have gone back to college and can't seem to find even a menial job to gain extra income.

However, I told my boyfriend early on that I am a student, and while I have a nice house and car due to my parents immense generosity as well as very nice clothes and material possessions: I CANNOT afford to pay for meals out.

He understood that I cannot pay for meals out. He said he will treat me if he chooses to eat out.

 

 

 

 

 

If the guy earns a lot and the woman has a LOW income, that come on now... The guy should pay!

No generous guy would make things strictly 50/50 when he earns SIGNIFICANTLY more than a woman who earns a low wage.

 

If both parties earn roughly the same, they should split the bills accordingly, with both people treating each other and doing nice things for each other.

[MidwestUSA]

$90 in 3 dates? I'm sorry but it's probably significantly higher. Probably about 4 or 5 times that to be perfectly honest.

 

 

Did you see her dates? They haven't had a proper dinner yet. Date #4 is gonna be the biggie!

[freetolove]

I usually offer to pick up dessert or coffee after

[FitChick]

Your dates sound boring. Treat him to the Petersen Auto Museum or one of the Getty Museums.

 

You could make a day of it. Start at The Getty Villa and have lunch there after you walk around, then go to the Getty Center for a totally different experience. If you go to both in the same day, you only pay once for parking -- $15. Offer to pay for parking. Admission is free.

 

The Getty Center is open late on Saturday and has an elegant restaurant but you will need reservations. He could pay for that. It's romantic and less crowded in the evening.

 

Send him the link to all three museums and let him decide. He may wind up taking you to the others another weekend.

[acrosstheuniverse]

I always offer, by getting my purse out to make it Dutch, when it's just general dating. If I'm in a relationship I'll often treat my boyfriend and pay for the whole meal, I actually enjoy taking a partner out for a meal and treating them.

 

When I started dating my ex I'd sometimes wait for him to go to the bathroom in a coffee shop and get the bill paid while he was gone.

 

On first dates I've always found that a guy will insist on paying, whether for dinner or coffee, admittedly women get an easy ride in that respect because it could not go anywhere and the guy has just dropped £50-70 on a night out. I'm always very appreciative.

 

I have a friend of mine who I'm pretty sure has feelings for me, he tries to pay for EVERYTHING when we go someplace together, whether it's taxis, club entrance fees, drinks, meals, even when we went for piercings the other weekend he didn't want me to pay him back for mine. But I always insist because it makes me feel really uncomfortable, even if sometimes it literally means when we're in a group getting to the cash register first so that I can pay my portion of a group meal before he has chance to pay for us both.

 

I feel like I'm taking advantage if I let him keep doing it because I'm not interested in him romantically. Then again he does earn a decent wage and doesn't have that many friends who'll go out eating with him (most are boy mates who want to go out drinking) so he seems not to mind paying because he enjoys my company... and he's super generous with even his male friends too, lending them money or paying for their drinks if they're too poor to go out clubbing :\

 

He earns way over double what I do so I can't really spring the whole check back very easily but I do other stuff like made a fuss of him on his birthday by organising a meal with some friends for him and getting him a cake with candles and a card and cooking for him etc.

[acrosstheuniverse]

If I was a guy and I went out for dinner on a date, and the woman didn't even make an attempt to pay, I wouldn't see her again. It screams entitlement and a lack of belief in gender equality. Even if the guy is going to INSIST on paying, the very least you should do as an equal human being is offer, ESPECIALLY when you don't even know each other that well and it's not like a relationship where it's more 'our' money! I can't even imagine not offering.

[OnlyHonesty]

Hi everyone,

 

This is my first post, but I've been lurking, reading and taking some of the advice I've gathered from this forum.

 

I've been on 3 dates with a guy and I haven't offered to pay once. He's probably spent $90+ on me so far and given me really expensive wines. He does well financially but I still kind of feel awkward for not saying anything every time he whips out his credit card. I'm going to see him again in a couple days, so I'm wondering if I should say something then? Or if I should wait until I know if it'll last?

 

Thanks in advance for all responses!

 

I have to be honest here, I felt ashamed from reading this (probably counter transference from the shame you feel deep down somewhere). Part of the blame lies with the guy who is willing to keep paying though. I think you feel awkward because deep down, you know it's not right and you are just sitting back letting it happen, making excuses for it etc.

 

I don't see why you don't invite him out somewhere as your treat for a few times and pay for it.

[MalachiX]

Also I forgot to mention that he said his employer reimburses him for a lot of his meals. Does this change things at all?

 

Changes nothing. It especially doesn't change the fact that you claim this bothers you but are doing nothing about it. Seriously, it's 2013. You really are incapable of pulling out your damn wallet and paying? Especially given that you claim this bothers you; are you really telling us that the only action you're capable of is going on this message board? JUST PAY FOR SOMETHING FOR F's SAKE!!!

 

Your dates sound boring. Treat him to the Petersen Auto Museum or one of the Getty Museums.

 

You could make a day of it. Start at The Getty Villa and have lunch there after you walk around, then go to the Getty Center for a totally different experience. If you go to both in the same day, you only pay once for parking -- $15. Offer to pay for parking. Admission is free.

 

The Getty Center is open late on Saturday and has an elegant restaurant but you will need reservations. He could pay for that. It's romantic and less crowded in the evening.

 

Send him the link to all three museums and let him decide. He may wind up taking you to the others another weekend.

 

I love Getty dates but are you sure she's lives in LA? I can't imagine anyone in Los Angeles managing to spend only $90 over three dates. Unless those dates have been McDonalds (and all the women I've dated have demanded Wendy's or higher if they're going to put out ).

 

If I was a guy and I went out for dinner on a date, and the woman didn't even make an attempt to pay, I wouldn't see her again. It screams entitlement and a lack of belief in gender equality. Even if the guy is going to INSIST on paying, the very least you should do as an equal human being is offer, ESPECIALLY when you don't even know each other that well and it's not like a relationship where it's more 'our' money! I can't even imagine not offering.

 

You know what thread I've never seen on here? One with the following title?

 

Why do my dates always offer to pay for dinner. Don't these women know how much I the thought of it?

 

Here's the dirty little secret about most guys: We don't "love" to pay for everything but we also want to put our best foot forward so we usually try to in the first date (or first couple of dates). We know it goes against gender equality but we think it's a small price to pay to let some girl know that we like her and hope to treat her well.

 

We may even go out of our way to stop a woman from paying during those first few dates but it's not because we just love to lose money. It's because we want to make a good impression and feel that's worth a little cash (if we have it).

 

Deep down, we all actually appreciate it when I woman offers to pay because that let's us know that, once we're a bit more secure in the relationship, we're going to be a team in all things. I personally find it especially endearing if we try to compromise; i.e. (hey; you got the movie so can I grab dinner?).

 

We're not going to be bitter about paying for the first date or so because, in some ways, it's a gift from society. It's a thing that's become expected where we're allowed to be generous without seeming too eager or clingy (as a lot of other gestures might be intepretted). That doesn't mean we always want it to be a one-way streak. I've known a lot of guys who have complained, "she never offers to pay. Ever! And she wants to go out a lot. It's not that big a deal but I wish she cared enough to take the bill some times and not just take me for granted."

[Noproblem]

I read it somewhere

that some guys like it if you once tried or offered to pay

even if they won't let you. It might means a lot to them