FineFreshFierce Posted December 17, 2013 Posted December 17, 2013 Hi everyone, This is my first post, but I've been lurking, reading and taking some of the advice I've gathered from this forum. I've been on 3 dates with a guy and I haven't offered to pay once. He's probably spent $90+ on me so far and given me really expensive wines. He does well financially but I still kind of feel awkward for not saying anything every time he whips out his credit card. I'm going to see him again in a couple days, so I'm wondering if I should say something then? Or if I should wait until I know if it'll last? Thanks in advance for all responses!
DarkNoel Posted December 17, 2013 Posted December 17, 2013 You don't HAVE to. But it's nice to sometimes have the woman pay, or split the bill. The only exception is the FIRST date, in which I think the norm is the guy always should pay. I think you should figure out some way to pay for something, or the poor guy might go broke (unless he's a doctor or lawyer). I've seen guys pay for meals but girls pay for ice cream, movie tickets, or coffee, etc.
MrNate 2.0 Posted December 17, 2013 Posted December 17, 2013 If you want to get into these jeans, prepare to pay, sister.
anna121 Posted December 17, 2013 Posted December 17, 2013 I always offer. And I insist on contributing every 2-3 times. If he'll let me pay the whole thing, I'm happy to do that too once in a while. It's nice to be generous with people. 2
ktya Posted December 17, 2013 Posted December 17, 2013 Hi everyone, This is my first post, but I've been lurking, reading and taking some of the advice I've gathered from this forum. I've been on 3 dates with a guy and I haven't offered to pay once. He's probably spent $90+ on me so far and given me really expensive wines. He does well financially but I still kind of feel awkward for not saying anything every time he whips out his credit card. I'm going to see him again in a couple days, so I'm wondering if I should say something then? Or if I should wait until I know if it'll last? Thanks in advance for all responses! I work with people like this and if hes only spent $90 on you then he hasnt broken into the really expensive wines yet (I've been in places where its $38 a glass or $799 a bottle coming to the table and that wasnt even the best stuff they had). Chances are he enjoys whippng out his credit card for you. Best thing to do is offer to take him out your treat to someplace that you can personally afford, and when he protests just say that you feel bad with him paying all of the time, that you're not that kind of girl out for his money. He will probably keep paying but he'll definitely think you're a keeper and take you up on your one time treating him. Especially with online dating I find there are a lot of girls who are serial daters just out for free dinners and drinks. Offering to treat him once shows him you're not like that. Depending on how much you like him, initiate intimacy with him after the date you treat him on. Then he knows that his money isnt buying him the love... its how he treats you that is getting you interested. Just some thoughts. 1
MalachiX Posted December 17, 2013 Posted December 17, 2013 Hi everyone, This is my first post, but I've been lurking, reading and taking some of the advice I've gathered from this forum. I've been on 3 dates with a guy and I haven't offered to pay once. He's probably spent $90+ on me so far and given me really expensive wines. He does well financially but I still kind of feel awkward for not saying anything every time he whips out his credit card. I'm going to see him again in a couple days, so I'm wondering if I should say something then? Or if I should wait until I know if it'll last? Thanks in advance for all responses! I'm confused. You say you feel bad about this but you've never offered to pay for anything. You say you feel awkward not saying anything but then don't say anything. How hard is it to say, "I got this one?" Also, $90 dollars over 3 dates sounds pretty economical on his part (what city do you guys live in?) 5
manders_01 Posted December 17, 2013 Posted December 17, 2013 I refuse to go on a date that I can't at least pay for myself and always offer to split the bill. If I'm treating or offering to do so, I ask him out and make the plans. I never expect the man to pay for me but it's always very nice when they do!
Author FineFreshFierce Posted December 17, 2013 Author Posted December 17, 2013 We live in LA, for all the dates he asked me what I wanted to do. I met him online and I wasn't really interested, so I reluctantly agreed to a date. I said I only wanted to get coffee (so that I could bolt since I didn't expect it to go well). I was shocked, he was a million times more like able and better-looking in person. The next time we went out he asked if we could just watch a movie at his house because he worked late that day and wanted to just relax. He bought a ppv movie, ordered takeout and gave me the nicest wine. Then the 3rd date I said we should go to the movies, and he paid for the tickets and the snacks (it was an upscale theater so everything was a lot pricier than normal). After the movie he asked if I wanted to go to a nice restaurant but I declined as I was full from the popcorn. Not sure what we're going to do next time, but it'll probably be a fancy restaurant. LA is full of thirsty, gold-digging women, so I don't want to come across as another taker, and never a giver.
Author FineFreshFierce Posted December 17, 2013 Author Posted December 17, 2013 Next time I will offer to pay, I just didn't want to offer if it's standard in dating for him to keep paying.
MissBee Posted December 17, 2013 Posted December 17, 2013 Hi everyone, This is my first post, but I've been lurking, reading and taking some of the advice I've gathered from this forum. I've been on 3 dates with a guy and I haven't offered to pay once. He's probably spent $90+ on me so far and given me really expensive wines. He does well financially but I still kind of feel awkward for not saying anything every time he whips out his credit card. I'm going to see him again in a couple days, so I'm wondering if I should say something then? Or if I should wait until I know if it'll last? Thanks in advance for all responses! After 3 dates I'd be more than willing to offer to pay and/or suggest a date, which would also be easier to offer to pay if it is my suggestion to begin with. Let him turn your offer down if he chooses to, but I think it would be nice to offer, esp if you feel awkward about not doing so.
MissBee Posted December 17, 2013 Posted December 17, 2013 I'm confused. You say you feel bad about this but you've never offered to pay for anything. You say you feel awkward not saying anything but then don't say anything. How hard is it to say, "I got this one?" Also, $90 dollars over 3 dates sounds pretty economical on his part (what city do you guys live in?) I was going to add that too! That $90 seems very cheap actually. Not sure what the dates have been but if for example you're gonna do dinner and a movie where I live, it's about a little over $20 for 2 movie tickets, not counting if you buy snacks, which can be another $20, then dinner at a decent restaurant that isn't high end, at minimum an entree might be $14, not counting any drinks or appetizers, so each that's about say $30 a person, and already one date will be closer to $90!
jonny walker Posted December 17, 2013 Posted December 17, 2013 Its not about you paying or him paying ..you both have to understand each other finiancially..if his earning is gud then let him pay..whats wrong wid that bt if he cant bear everytime then i should say that even girls can pay..bcoz if its a date then its a date for both of you..
salparadise Posted December 17, 2013 Posted December 17, 2013 I respect women as my equal and fully functional human beings. I date intelligent, progressive women and they usually earn good money, and sometimes surprisingly large incomes. We're living in the 21st century and the notion that the man always pays in a world where women are equals in every other way is archaic. The women I've dated usually offer to split the check on the first date, but I pick up the first one which is usually inexpensive, and usually the second which is often a nicer restaurant. After that we start taking turns. It's a lot less hassle than having to divvy up at the table or have them put it on two cards. The one woman who never offered to pick up a check was the one who made the most money, ten times what most would consider a good income. She was also extremely smart, but she had some weird attitudes and expectations. I got tired of her crap, and it just wasn't happening emotionally, and ended it after a few months. There are surely some guys out there who are old school and insist on always paying, but if I were a woman I would never take that for granted. If you want to be treated like a fully functioning, equal person then you need to actually be one. 1
Elliotte Posted December 17, 2013 Posted December 17, 2013 If a woman considers herself equal to a man, she should split the bill. The majority of women I have dated short term and long term have been fine with splitting the bill. I only start picking up all of the tab sometimes once we've started seeing each other regularly, when things even themselves out naturally.
Author FineFreshFierce Posted December 17, 2013 Author Posted December 17, 2013 Also I forgot to mention that he said his employer reimburses him for a lot of his meals. Does this change things at all?
Debanked Posted December 17, 2013 Posted December 17, 2013 OP it would be nice of you to offer. He might still insist that he pays but I'll bet he'll appreciate the gesture.
salparadise Posted December 17, 2013 Posted December 17, 2013 Also I forgot to mention that he said his employer reimburses him for a lot of his meals. Does this change things at all? Perhaps his employer reimburses business/travel expenses, but I've never heard of one that covers the cost of dating. Sounds like you're hoping someone to tell you that it's ok to let a man bear the entire cost. Would you be happy doing that? How does that logic work? Here's my suggestion, given the income disparity... invite him to a modestly priced restaurant, your treat, and plan on picking up the check. If he let's you, then it's understood that he appreciates you contributing even if it's not equal. If he intercedes and will not let you pay, use it as an opportunity to get things out in the open. Ask if he's really ok with picking up the check every time. If he says that's the way he prefers it then I guess you've got an old school guy with a fat wallet, and a free ride for as long as it lasts. But if I were you, I'd still be making him home-cooked meals of his favorite dishes to show genuine appreciation. The high-income brainiac woman I mentioned before had an attitude of entitlement that manifested in more ways than the expectation of free dates, and I found that unattractive to say the least. Don't be like that; show him you're fully functional and capable of reciprocating.
d0nnivain Posted December 17, 2013 Posted December 17, 2013 His employer reimbursing him changes nothing. $90 over 3 dates in LA is not spending a lot of money on you. $90 on one date is about average for dinner around here. By the 4th date if you haven't at least offered to treat him, you risk being viewed as a gold digging user. He may say no. Some men are like that but you need to at least offer. It's no longer about gender. It's about kindness. If you can't bring yourself to spring for the date, get him one of those nice bottles of wine as a Christmas present. 1
regine_phalange Posted December 17, 2013 Posted December 17, 2013 I always reach for my wallet and offer to pay, but I want the man not to let me do so in the first couple of dates. Even if we grab a beer and sit on a bench (not all men have a lot of money to spare, I don't have either this period of my life). If you don't even take out your wallet, he will feel that you think you are entitled and you don't appreciate his courting. And rightfully so! 1
Ruby Slippers Posted December 17, 2013 Posted December 17, 2013 I always offer sincerely, but pretty much all the men I've dated want to pay and politely refuse the offer. At some point I initiate a discussion about it, and they let me know where they stand. Most of them have said, "I enjoy taking you out, and it's not a problem for me, so don't worry about it." 2
regine_phalange Posted December 17, 2013 Posted December 17, 2013 I always offer sincerely, but pretty much all the men I've dated want to pay and politely refuse the offer. At some point I initiate a discussion about it, and they let me know where they stand. Most of them have said, "I enjoy taking you out, and it's not a problem for me, so don't worry about it." I think a woman should not let the man pay always! After some dates, if the man doesn't let you there are other solutions; ~ Pretend you go to the toilet and pay secretly ~ Buy tickets for something beforehand ~ Buy him presents 1
Ruby Slippers Posted December 17, 2013 Posted December 17, 2013 I think a woman should not let the man pay always! I disagree. If he wants to pay, and has a lot more money than I do, why not? (Isn't there a consolidating "paying for dates" thread somewhere? These discussions always get sticky.)
MidwestUSA Posted December 17, 2013 Posted December 17, 2013 You'veA) met him for coffee B) gone to his house for pay per view and takeout C) gone to the movies (with popcorn!) Are you worried that the cost of the third date could total more than the sum of the first three?
Ruby Slippers Posted December 17, 2013 Posted December 17, 2013 ~ Pretend you go to the toilet and pay secretly ~ Buy tickets for something beforehand ~ Buy him presents I have done all this, though - grabbed the bill and insisted on paying now and then, bought tickets for us in advance, bought him presents, bought groceries for us for the weekend when he was coming to me, etc. But when it comes to going out on the town and the like, the men I tend to date like to pay. They've suggested it's "what a man does", and that they will feel emasculated if I steal their thunder by insisting on paying. 1
regine_phalange Posted December 17, 2013 Posted December 17, 2013 I disagree. If he wants to pay, and has a lot more money than I do, why not? (Isn't there a consolidating "paying for dates" thread somewhere? These discussions always get sticky.) I don't know, it makes me uncomfortable and feel unbalanced in the relationship. He can pay for the fancier activities if he can afford them, sure, but from time to time I want to treat him too, at least something simpler. Men greatly appreciate this, even if they don't admit. It's mostly about the vibe of reciprocation and not the amount of money. Of course, I don't date stingy people because usually they are stingy when it comes to affection and feelings as well (generosity is not always about the amount of money someone spends).
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