Stop me!!!

[anna121]

Thankss

 

I understand, I just come here and feel attacked sometimes and I don't know why. I didn't want to contact him because I know it's the wrong thing so I was hoping I would be talked out of it. I came here to get help and right away everyone says to contact him because I'll do it anyways and they are making bets that I will. I think that is very mean. These are my emotions.

 

I just feel like from now on I'll keep things to myself and ride the waves.

 

Thanks for the help though..!

 

People are frustrated because it has taken you quite a long time to get to this place. You must admit: there has been a lot of back-tracking on your part.

 

Admittedly, it is always easier to recognize the right thing when it's not you who has to actually DO it.

 

Some of it may across as mean, but almost all of it is coming from concern that you not do more stupid, counter-productive things.

[Zoe Lilith]

Cotton socks -

 

Please block his number.

 

Can you do that?

 

You will feel much better MUCH sooner if you do.

 

 

...Or better yet, CHANGE the number. New place, new number - new start!

[stillafool]

...Or better yet, CHANGE the number. New place, new number - new start!

 

I've always found that doing the above was the single best thing that helped me get over a breakup. It prevents you from wishing they would call, wondering if they are going to call and best of all it prevents them from calling. Try it because it really works.

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

I didn't text him. The urge went away. Thanks for being there.

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

I called up a friend who shared her story about how she broke contact with her ex once and what happened...and let's just say it didn't end very well.

 

It completely dissipated any ludicrous urge I had! I have to focus on why I'm going NC...to get over him! Plus, if he had ignored me or said something mean, it would have really hurt me. It's better to cling onto my pride and dignity. I also read the NC guide on here and it was really helpful.

 

I know my next step is to change my number. But I'm afraid that I'll wonder if he texted and what he said...but that's just the side of me who wishes it could have worked. That's bad!! It's kind of an ego thing also, to be honest...I want him to miss me like I do. I want him to text so I can ignore him. But you all are right, once it's over...it should be over. I shouldn't care if he texted or not. And you know what? I wake up every hour checking my dump phone to see if he texted. If I change my number, I won't have to worry about it! I'm going to find that courage today to just get it over with...I'll feel better right? Don't you guys ever wonder if they tried to contact you?

 

How did you guys build the courage to change your number?

 

By the way: I woke up today feeling very content and not sad at all. Thought I would mention that because it's such a valuable thing to have during heartbreak. I know there will be nights/mornings that just suck, so I really appreciate the times that don't!!

[Zahara]

Don't you guys ever wonder if they tried to contact you?

 

How did you guys build the courage to change your number?

 

I did wonder if he was trying to contact me. But I would resolve that with, "Even if he did contact, what would have changed? He'd still be the same asswhole he was before. And it would only hurt me." I knew nothing could come out of contact. The thing is we think we will have satisfaction out of ignoring them. We don't because if you read here, 9 out of 10 times contact will just pull you back down again and before you know it you're struggling about responding, not responding, what will he think, am I rude, what does he want, maybe he has changed, etc. It's a mindp***. Essentially, contact gives you absolutely nothing.

 

The push to change your number? It is about getting to a point where you're absolutely done and you choose protecting your mental and emotional health as your priority. What's important in making the step to completely disappearing from his life and completely turning the focus back on you is acceptance that you are done, it is over. Self-preservation has to be what's important to you, even when getting there hurts you. What he does and what he wants becomes secondary. What you have to do and what you want becomes primary.

[Still Searching]

I second what Zahara said above. Also, I just wanted to say congrats on getting to the point you're at, even now. I've been one of the harsher critics at times here, but I meant well. Remember mornings like today, how you felt, and know that with time, those moments will be more frequent. You'll relapse, want to contact him at times, but listen to others here, myself included, as we've all experienced first-hand what comes from contact (99% of the time, it's nothing good).

 

 

You're doing the right thing, even if it feels wrong. With my ex, the continued contact and mess we were in was one of those situations where it felt so right, even though it was so wrong. The key was to listen to my mind, and not my heart. People say, "follow your heart", but sometimes a person needs to know better. Mine has led me to a lot of unnecessary heartache in the past. Things got to where they were with you and your ex for a reason. Chances are, those reasons still exist, and with the happenings of these past few weeks, the hole you'd have to dig yourself out of in order for that relationship to work got a whole lot deeper.

 

 

Good luck going forward.

[Zoe Lilith]

I called up a friend who shared her story about how she broke contact with her ex once and what happened...and let's just say it didn't end very well.

 

It completely dissipated any ludicrous urge I had! I have to focus on why I'm going NC...to get over him! Plus, if he had ignored me or said something mean, it would have really hurt me. It's better to cling onto my pride and dignity. I also read the NC guide on here and it was really helpful.

 

I know my next step is to change my number. But I'm afraid that I'll wonder if he texted and what he said...but that's just the side of me who wishes it could have worked. That's bad!! It's kind of an ego thing also, to be honest...I want him to miss me like I do. I want him to text so I can ignore him. But you all are right, once it's over...it should be over. I shouldn't care if he texted or not. And you know what? I wake up every hour checking my dump phone to see if he texted. If I change my number, I won't have to worry about it! I'm going to find that courage today to just get it over with...I'll feel better right? Don't you guys ever wonder if they tried to contact you?

 

How did you guys build the courage to change your number?

 

By the way: I woke up today feeling very content and not sad at all. Thought I would mention that because it's such a valuable thing to have during heartbreak. I know there will be nights/mornings that just suck, so I really appreciate the times that don't!!

 

 

If he really wants to be with you, he'll find a way to contact you and get in touch with you.

[lauri]

Focus on numero uno first then worry about what comes afterwards. Who knows, when you regain your strength and he does reach out to you, you may feel nothing and tell him to screw off.

 

No way you should ever get back with someone just because you are a mess without them. You need to be able to step away and realize that they should enhance your life not make it. Keep it up and I promise you that things will be okay.

[Cabinet]

And I don't really think it's always the best idea to have no contact if you do something like leaving without telling someone. Because it could make the text-barrage worse. She *could* text him something like, "I'm fine, I'm safe. A friend helped me move. Please don't contact me and respect my space" to reiterate that she is putting her foot down this time.

 

Caitlin

 

 

I just wanted to ask.....

 

Why on earth does it matter WHO helped her move? (rhetorical question) He broke up with her and he doesn't need to worry if she is "fine" or "safe" anymore. He can assume she is "safe" since she has a family. As for "fine".... well, she is as fine as she is going to be for a while - thanks to him.

 

In no way does he deserve a text back.

 

BYCS - I wrote in the other thread that the vanishing act was to make your move more dramatic and to elicit a reaction. You swore it wasn't. You said it was just to empower yourself. Fair enough! Keep your power then! Stay Vanished. Any reappearance, any communication back, anything back to this guy now just negates what you think you gained and gives him back the power. Don't do it and stay strong!

 

The hardest part is over - hang in there!

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

I just wanted to ask.....

 

Why on earth does it matter WHO helped her move? (rhetorical question) He broke up with her and he doesn't need to worry if she is "fine" or "safe" anymore. He can assume she is "safe" since she has a family. As for "fine".... well, she is as fine as she is going to be for a while - thanks to him.

 

In no way does he deserve a text back.

 

BYCS - I wrote in the other thread that the vanishing act was to make your move more dramatic and to elicit a reaction. You swore it wasn't. You said it was just to empower yourself. Fair enough! Keep your power then! Stay Vanished. Any reappearance, any communication back, anything back to this guy now just negates what you think you gained and gives him back the power. Don't do it and stay strong!

 

The hardest part is over - hang in there!

 

lol! Yea, my family and friends were wondering why he asked WHO helped me move and if I was "safe". My friend was like, "You should have told him you had a homeless person help you move and now you're living on the streets in a cardboard box!"

 

I know he asked that because he was jealous that it might have been one of my guy friends...I was his "property" and that's why he thinks that way. Not anymore!

 

Moving wasn't to elicit a reaction at first, but then it became that. That was my own emotion and fault, stemmed from the sadness/finality of it all. We all want someone to fight for us...

 

But now, by ignoring him and remaining no contact and being as strong as I can, I am learning to empower myself.

 

And you are right - the hardest part IS over. Thank god.

[devastated777]

You sound like me. you will regret it if you contact him. He's trying to be nice because you are sweet. If he wanted you to stay, he would not let you go when you were moving. I still believe I was "special" because of his bs words. Maybe he did mean them, maybe not. Actions speak louder than words.

 

Mine asked me who helped me move. I wish I hadn't even responded but he came to bring me some items I had left so we were face to face. Oh, and he gave me a booty call, crumb, whatever you wanna call it. The next day, he sent me a pic of some chic he was with. Yeah, really. I still cannot believe this person had me so snowed. My friends are still in shock, as they are single (two are) and he gave them hopes that there are still good men out there. This is still hard for me to accept but I have a thick skull. Still hanging on to his words from when things were the fairytale my mind created.

 

Trust me, I was the good girl (even in my mind) until all this happened and I retaliated when he sent the pic. Then it was back and forth. I WISH I would have kept my fingers in my pockets and just not responded at all. Then, he would remember how good I was and miss that. Now that it turned ugly, he wont. Your best thing here is let him remember what a great girl he let walk out. Let him hear the crickets chirping. Trust me and everyone else on here , NC.

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

You sound like me. you will regret it if you contact him. He's trying to be nice because you are sweet. If he wanted you to stay, he would not let you go when you were moving. I still believe I was "special" because of his bs words. Maybe he did mean them, maybe not. Actions speak louder than words.

 

Mine asked me who helped me move. I wish I hadn't even responded but he came to bring me some items I had left so we were face to face. Oh, and he gave me a booty call, crumb, whatever you wanna call it. The next day, he sent me a pic of some chic he was with. Yeah, really. I still cannot believe this person had me so snowed. My friends are still in shock, as they are single (two are) and he gave them hopes that there are still good men out there. This is still hard for me to accept but I have a thick skull. Still hanging on to his words from when things were the fairytale my mind created.

 

Trust me, I was the good girl (even in my mind) until all this happened and I retaliated when he sent the pic. Then it was back and forth. I WISH I would have kept my fingers in my pockets and just not responded at all. Then, he would remember how good I was and miss that. Now that it turned ugly, he wont. Your best thing here is let him remember what a great girl he let walk out. Let him hear the crickets chirping. Trust me and everyone else on here , NC.

 

You are so right! If he wanted me to stay, he wouldn't have let me go.

 

I'm so sorry you went through that. That's awful!! UGH

 

The last thing my ex said to me was "I'm gonna find hot tight pussy" which he claimed was just a joke. Whatever. But it made it easier and now i have a bad taste in my mouth about him because that was diabolical. Last thing I said to him before I moved out was "fu.ck you. go find your tight pussy. I'm done"

 

So I'm sure he is trying to be "sweet" to make up for that remark.

 

Silence is golden. Silence is power. Silence is everything!!

[BC1980]

I did wonder if he was trying to contact me. But I would resolve that with, "Even if he did contact, what would have changed? He'd still be the same asswhole he was before. And it would only hurt me." I knew nothing could come out of contact. The thing is we think we will have satisfaction out of ignoring them. We don't because if you read here, 9 out of 10 times contact will just pull you back down again and before you know it you're struggling about responding, not responding, what will he think, am I rude, what does he want, maybe he has changed, etc. It's a mindp***. Essentially, contact gives you absolutely nothing.

 

The push to change your number? It is about getting to a point where you're absolutely done and you choose protecting your mental and emotional health as your priority. What's important in making the step to completely disappearing from his life and completely turning the focus back on you is acceptance that you are done, it is over. Self-preservation has to be what's important to you, even when getting there hurts you. What he does and what he wants becomes secondary. What you have to do and what you want becomes primary.

 

It is a mind f$ck to keep contact. I would agonize over if or how to answer texts. That's when I said enough was enough. You get pulled back into a pointless relationship. Why do I need to worry about what I'm going to text back? I don't agonize over what to text my actual friends.

 

If you fall off the face of the earth, most people will get the clue. I did end up asking my ex for distance because he just kept on texting even when I wouldn't answer. I did answer them in the beginning, but I stopped at the end. He actually texted more once I ignored him. He started calling and asking to hang out, and I just wanted it to stop. Hopefully, your ex will just leave you alone. It's the kindest thing he can do.

[devastated777]

Well, for every hot chic with a tight puss, there's usually someone tired of bangin her. So let him go get some of that and when it gets old, and it will eventually, let him remember what a good gal he had and he let her go.

[Simon Phoenix]

Also, to everyone else - I'd like to mention that although No Contact is indeed the best policy to get over someone...

 

Not everyone is ready to get over someone. And I don't really think it's always the best idea to have no contact if you do something like leaving without telling someone. Because it could make the text-barrage worse. She *could* text him something like, "I'm fine, I'm safe. A friend helped me move. Please don't contact me and respect my space" to reiterate that she is putting her foot down this time.

 

Be nice. You wouldn't want someone betting on your failure. The only way to help someone is to lift them up, not cut them down.

 

Caitlin

 

I don't agree with this post at all. She doesn't owe him an explanation for anything. And no one is actually exchanging money -- there were no actual bets placed, it was a figure of speech.

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

Hmmm now the two different opinions about NC have me wondering again...lol

 

But it's kind of too late for a response now. It's been 3 days.

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

No. Not 'lol'.

 

He told you he was happy to watch you crawl back, and debase yourself for his own amusement.

 

Forget returning a call, the guy needs his sack kicked in. Please just do not contact him, ever. Not even if he's bleeding in the street and the ambulance is too far away. Cut him out forever.

 

Yea you're right! I need to remember the negatives, my "niceness" gets in the way sometimes.

 

Silence speaks louder. Texting him would be giving him power and letting him know that it is okay to treat me like crap.

 

I would never move out unexpectedly and vanish if I were in a healthy relationship. I left like that for a reason.

[Zahara]

I wasn't suggesting that she owed him an explanation. Only that it's her choice. Sometimes if someone drastically moves out or whatever, it's better to put out the fire of questions right away as to what happened. I know if someone moved out on me, I'd be super concerned for them and would probably keep trying to contact them until I knew they were at least okay. And would probably be calling all around asking my friends to try and contact them too. Is that really what's best? I suggested the text to put out the fire and make it easier if she thought that's what was going to happen. It's different when you break up with someone and say "I'm moving out." and then you do it. And THEN they text you. That totally warrants an *ignore*.

 

You have to consider that when things end badly it's harder to get over them. People end up seeking "closure" months down the road because contact ended so abruptly. I like the no contact idea - in 99% of cases it's the best thing, and I'm glad she's out of there, but you have to also look at what's going to put out the fire permanently.

 

Caitlin

 

I'm not understanding this logic.

 

If someone has disrespected and treated you badly:

 

1) They are not entitled to ask questions nor have any privy into my life. The day that they so called chose to devalue my feelings and my existence, is the day that they chose to forfeit any rights to my whereabouts, my feelings, my well-being.

 

2) Their "concern" as to whether I am safe is of no issue to them. That person was never concerned about her when he told her bluntly he was going to look for tight pussy and to watch her crawl back. Was there any care for what she was feeling or going through? No. What concern do you speak of? Don't project your concern when the situation and the ex do not warrant it.

 

She is not responsible to put out any fire. Her only concern is to stay away from someone that has mistreated her and to prioritize her efforts to move on and if NC allows her to do that, whatever bothers or concerns her ex, is not her responsibility. When he dumped her and chose to insult her, he lost all priviledge to any courtesies.

 

Closure comes from within. Her closure comes from knowing he has chosen to opt out of having a relationship with her (and he's a dbag). His closure is his own concern. She is not responsible to fix that.

Edited December 18, 2013 by Zahara

[Simon Phoenix]

I wasn't suggesting that she owed him an explanation. Only that it's her choice. Sometimes if someone drastically moves out or whatever, it's better to put out the fire of questions right away as to what happened. I know if someone moved out on me, I'd be super concerned for them and would probably keep trying to contact them until I knew they were at least okay. And would probably be calling all around asking my friends to try and contact them too. Is that really what's best? I suggested the text to put out the fire and make it easier if she thought that's what was going to happen. It's different when you break up with someone and say "I'm moving out." and then you do it. And THEN they text you. That totally warrants an *ignore*.

 

You have to consider that when things end badly it's harder to get over them. People end up seeking "closure" months down the road because contact ended so abruptly. I like the no contact idea - in 99% of cases it's the best thing, and I'm glad she's out of there, but you have to also look at what's going to put out the fire permanently.

 

Caitlin

 

I wholeheartedly disagree. This would not put a fire out -- this would put her in harm's way. I just can't disagree more with your sentiment that he's owed some sort of explanation. Not at all. Just not buying what you are selling.

[rosedl]

Wow.

 

Why the hostile tone to her?

 

Contrary to all the saints on the board who apparently never text their ex back or slip and handle all this so perfectly (big eye roll).....

 

You know what? To actually leave is a huge step....I never have handled my break ups text book. But, you know what? I have left bad relationships on my own volition.

 

No one here knows your history or why this break up is particularly hard for you or the demons you have to confront to actually move through the process....

 

Every step you take in a healthy direction makes you stronger. In reality, people slip. Many times people need to leave a time or two, just like quitting smoking. Every step towards your own truth and your own strength makes it more and more likely that you will be able to succeed in moving on with your life. It's called going through the process.

 

We are supposed to be here to SUPPORT each other, not take bets on if she will slip.

[KelC411]

I keep feeling like an awful person for just leaving his house out of nowhere and ignoring his text he sent me at 1am:

 

Why do I feel guilty and like a bad person? Why do I feel this pain?

 

Should I just say something like, "I'm okay, thank you."

 

Help!

 

I am glad you did not text him back in the end HOWEVER I totally understand why you had that urge. People are acting like you have made no progress but moving out was a big step for you. I do think you shold stay NC but I also think its normal to have those feelings and easy for people to judge when they aren't in your shoes. Honestly, sometimes emotionally abusive situations (which it sounds like this was, at least at the end) are the hardest to leave because you feel so unsure of yourself after all the negativity. Been there. i had ex who everyne said "he is an *******, why cant you just see that?!" And I had to date him twice before I realized it. Definitely not recommending that course of action. Just saying I understand how much it sucks when other people are acting like you are being crazy for having feelings for someone like that.

 

But you left! And thats awesome! Dont let anyone take that away from you even if you are stil struggling with it.

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

Last night I had a HUGE temptation to text him. I literally texted EVERYONE (even my therapist) and asked if I should text him or remain NC. 9 out of 10 of them said no, the other one...well, she is a bit naive and too sweet. :-p

 

It was so bad that I had to take a pill, put my phone away and go to sleep. I mean, I had the text message written out and everything and about to press send.

 

But I didn't. And I woke up this morning so glad I didn't. I would have given him all my power that I left the house with. He would have either 1.) Ignored or 2.) been short and ambivalent. Both of which would have hurt.

 

There is no good that can come out of texting him, I have to remember that. And the other fact is, he hasn't texted me since Monday. He is doing fine without me. I would have just embarrassed myself.

[BC1980]

Last night I had a HUGE temptation to text him. I literally texted EVERYONE (even my therapist) and asked if I should text him or remain NC. 9 out of 10 of them said no, the other one...well, she is a bit naive and too sweet. :-p

 

It was so bad that I had to take a pill, put my phone away and go to sleep. I mean, I had the text message written out and everything and about to press send.

 

But I didn't. And I woke up this morning so glad I didn't. I would have given him all my power that I left the house with. He would have either 1.) Ignored or 2.) been short and ambivalent. Both of which would have hurt.

 

There is no good that can come out of texting him, I have to remember that. And the other fact is, he hasn't texted me since Monday. He is doing fine without me. I would have just embarrassed myself.

 

It would be heartbreaking to get a cold, short text, which is likely what would happen. The breakup is bad enough, so there is no need to stay in contact. Texting will only make you relive the breakup again and again. My ex texted me "Happy Thanksgiving" at 9:00 that night, and it took a lot to delete that text. However, I was so tired of playing nice and being concerned with his feelings and how he viewed me.

 

One of my friends broke it down for me. She reminded me of how emotionally manipulative he had been for 3 years. Then, she asked me why I felt that me not responding to his lame texts would be so much worse than what he put me through? Why did I need to feel like a bad person when his behavior has had such devastating effects on me, my family, his family, even his son. His actions were terrible, and ignoring his texts are self-preservation for me. If you respond to any text or initiate contact, all you are doing is setting yourself up to have your feelings hurt over and over.

 

I feel that I lost my self-esteem during my relationship, and the only opportunity I have to get it back, at this point, is to simply remain silent. I wish I had acted differently during the relationship, and I regret it. I'll be d*mned if I'm going to act weak after the relationship.

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

One of my friends broke it down for me. She reminded me of how emotionally manipulative he had been for 3 years. Then, she asked me why I felt that me not responding to his lame texts would be so much worse than what he put me through? Why did I need to feel like a bad person when his behavior has had such devastating effects on me, my family, his family, even his son. His actions were terrible, and ignoring his texts are self-preservation for me. If you respond to any text or initiate contact, all you are doing is setting yourself up to have your feelings hurt over and over.

 

I like this. I'm going to keep it.

 

It is so true. We have no reason to feel guilty for ignoring them. It is time for us to be SELFISH and think only about ourselves while we heal and move on.